kartvines

I live in southern California and have since 1955, I love the state but unfortunately I could never recommend it to anyone because the state is heading down the same course as the county we went from the Golden State to the Rust state. However I was born and live in Sugarhouse Utah, lack of work in the 50's drove my family to where the work was.

I have already done that, and I was responding to the original post, but I still struggle, not because of lack of testimony but for fear that I have gone beyond the acceptable and the long journey I now face to redeem myself in order to reach the point of having my wife sealed to me, but it takes one step at a time. Thank you for your feedback

Before I became inactive which lasted 40 years, I had only gone to one ward, and since my return after the death of my wife 6 months ago to this date I have seen many changes from what I remembered in the ward I was attending in the 60's I fell far was from the church even to the point of riding with a Biker gang for many years, after returning from my Viet Nam service, and should that prevent me form retuning to my Church and asking for forgiveness? Overall I do however agree with many of your view points, I know I am far from being perfect and yet I have strives to return and re-grasp the rod that may lead to my salvation. Should I be excluded? The idea that I might be kept me from returning, which I now regret.

Well to be honest with you I have a professional pert control license and belong to the National Plant Diagnostics Network, and have been a landscaper for over 40 years and there is very good reason for this sort of ban and that is to protect native wood lands, many pest such as the oak borer can survive in cured season fire wood and get transported to an area that has not had this pest introduction, and because this imported firewood the pest escape to destroy more trees, that is just one small example I get notices almost every week of invading pest that have and can cripple a state not only for the efforts and cost of trying to control it but also because of lost of native forests.

In last weeks Priesthood meeting we talked about marriage, and we were told that in our Stake and the Church overall there has been a 50% divorce rate even with those married in the Temple. I am no longer married after 34 year and that is only due to being widowed, but it has been my opinion for a long time that too many people bail from marriages for reason of being unhappy, or because it is not easy. I have often hear that everything must be 50/50, but to me that makes no sense, if you are not able to devote 100% into your marriage/family then it will not last. When my kids were growing up they were teased because their parents were still together. Don't get me Wrong marriage is hard, but isn't everything worth while hard? Where are the rewards when something we want is easy to obtain? My wife was not a member of the church. and I was not active for 40 years, and we had our problems, but we didn't bail when thing got rough, and because of that we would have spend the rest of our life together because we were able to work though things that go in our path, and love prevailed. We were committed to each other and to our family and to me that is why our marriage worked

Recently returned and have have been attending regularly for approx 2 months, I just started going and nobody has said much of anything, I am happy that the Bishop allowed me to meet with the High Priests during Priesthood meeting due my being closer to there age, and when I stopped going approx 40 years ago I was 18 and only made it as far as being ordained a Priest, I don't know if the Bishop will eventually pulled me into his office for a chat, he welcomes me every so offend when I show up early for the Sacrament meeting, so I guess it all depends on the Bishop, and Ward. Is there any real policy of the church in this matter?

I was not active for more than 40 years and started back again recently only after the passing of my wife, but the High Priest Home teacher who stopped by each month for years help me feel as if I was still connected in some small way.

No I have not spoken to my Bishop relating to these matter, I don't feel it is timely to open those floodgates and put myself in the position of feeling valuable, currently it is too hard just attending, not that I don't value the time a Church I still process all of the burdens I am bearing along with the greif of loosing my wife of 34 years and I don't want them to become an excuse for me to stop attending, because it is all just too much for me to bear at this time, so every step shall be small safe ones. It is also a special burden and pride that my family were early figures in the Church, and goes back to those who knew and served both J. Smith and B. Young, as well of E. Snow but I don't want to go too deep in this special bond I have with this church, but that is why I have returned after so many years, and I feel there is little value in this threads to rehash stuff I brought up in other threads, it is now just how I see my relations with God is developing and in that my Church relationship would also be strengthen.

Well then I have a very serious problem. I was inactive for over 40 years, just return since the death of my wife. I now consider myself active, and yet I was not active in the building my faith remained strong. Since returning I have not accepted Sacrament , because I don't feel worthy/entitled because I still have some issues with the WOW I am still dealing with due to bad habits I developed during my inactivity. For at least 35 of those years I did not step foot in my ward mainly due to the conceived hypocrisy I felt and didn't want to project on those in my ward, by pretending to be what I am not. Should that keep me from attending the services and partaking in the spirit? I still have a lot of things to work on and out, but returning to church was the step I took in hope I could at least work them out, in hope to better myself and the relationships I have with God and my children. So far I have not been judged by or have judge others in my ward, and yet it seems as if I may have already been condemned by your and your "fellowship" In yesterday High Priest meeting we talked about OYM [Open Your Mouth] and how we are all missionary, and how too many members were no longer attending church due to this idea, the church and it's members not setting the proper examples, but walking the walk and not being overly boastful, which has been a major turnoff to non member and member alike. So let me ask you, what example are you setting? Many convert are made by seeing how we live our lives outside of church, you make me think I am now wasting my time trying to rekindle my relationship with the church and God, because I am far from perfect, I am not even a good Mormon overall but should it keep me from trying to improve myself and my relationship with God?? Should it stop from wanting the fellowship and asking Christ and the Holly Ghost for help to overcome my many shortfalls. Should my current in obedient of the WOW stop me from attending church to aid me overcome my faults, and out of the church?

Thank you, please understand I don't want to get over the grief, it seem as if I did it would be the same as erasing her from my life, I just want to pain to dull a bit, no I will never forget now want to forget Carolyn, if I did I would retreat to my past life, doing so would benefit no one especially our children [adults]. I could truly do with some joy in my life currently, so much for my whine for the day.....

For what it is worth I got beyond the parking lot today , things have really change since my last Priesthood meeting etc. 44 years ago, didn't hate but again I was not as conformable as I hope I would be, of course nobody judged me but I felt as if I was a fish out of water, I really hope it gets better, because it feels as if I am drowning in grief, not as if I thought attending Church would solve my grief, I had hoped it would give me a tiny sense of comfort, I understand it is too soon and this is the cross I must bear, but being I posted about it I merely wanted to follow up. It didn't help to have to pass the cemetery where I buried my wife on the trip there, and that is where I ended up after the services today as usual.

No one who own any gun that they have not fired and feel very comfortable in doing so. should own it, otherwise in most cases you may end up being shot by your intruder, any weapon is only as good as your skill and willingness to use it.

Thank you for the feed back, I hope the church becomes that group that will start the healing process.

Well I just got back for having a intake so they can determine my needs and will see a professional in Aug, so hopefully that will put me on the right path. Only time will tell I am not a joiner so the group thing is out of the question

Thank you for the feedback, I have my first [maybe my last, being I am not much of a talker] appointment this morning for counseling to discuss my grief and hopefully it allow me to take the steps I need to and in the right direction

Thank you for the feed back, yes I loved my wife very much, as I still do. I have gotten angry at almost everybody, questioning why her and not me, I have done so many things that would make me so much more deserving to die instead, where as he was almost a saint in compassion. I am tortured of having to be the one to pull the plug because that is what she wanted and the watching her slowly die over two hours. Those are my demons to now bear. Prior to her death we talked about going back to Church, but being she was not a member, and really didn't like strangers getting that close to her it never happened, but she was willing to give it a try just for me. I had only 2 choices to make first return to the life I led before she got me straighted out, and to me it would be the same as saying it didn't matter, and all of her effort would have been for nothing , it would be the same as dishonoring her memory or try and continue improving myself, and being the church is the one I know, and still believe it, I choose that path. I have not yet been successful in crossing the church's threshold yet, being I never got beyond being ordained a Priest, [before enlisting in the Navy right out of high school in 1968] and now at the age of 62 it makes me feel awkward about that. Yes I am alone, our once home is now just a house I come home to, she was the one who brought joy into our household and made it a home. We have children and they have their own families, they try but they can never fill her void, and I would not burden them with that. So that is my story in a nutshell, one step at a time and I hope it will be in the right directions. She was my rudder in life and now my ship of life has a broken mast floating aimlessly, missing her in every way possible

I have already posted on some of the forums but was not able to introduce myself. I have just lost my wife of 34 years last month, forcing myself to take stock of my life and where it is headed, have not been to church in about 40 years, for more reasons I could list. If you are interested I guess you can review some of my other posts. I hope that my plan to attend next Sunday works out for me being last Sunday it didn't, I made it as far as the parking lot. My wife was not a member but was a kind sweet woman who I am sure had a path to heaven and my goal is to now find mine, in hope to reconnect with her when I die, I am 62 years old currently so my time may be short, and I am lost without her being she was the person who got me this far in life, and was responsible for the person I am today, and improved version from the one she met 34 years ago.

In what I guess is my rare case it worked for me, due to my misbehavior, we separated for 18 months,[she never gave up on me or the marriage] and it was then I saw how really stupid I was to even considering giving up the only person who really loved me, [outside my mother] and we worked it out, it wasn't easy but we made it and ending up being together for the total of 34 years and it is only over now because she died last month of cancer. Now after that being said, it take true change, and that is hard for most, and I believe without true change divorce is almost certain. If your partner and or yourself are not truly in love then do yourself both a favor and get out of it before a child is brought into this world that will tie your life together for life. Personally I think that most now get married for the wrong reason and without commitment and then want out as soon as they hit a rocky patch. Love and true commitment means you are committed to work it out, and if you can a richer love will develop because of it. In my case it happened for me.

Any biker will tell you that you will go down, and most of the time it is because a vehicle make a stupid left turn in front of you. I put almost a million miles on my scooter in more than 20 years, and never owned a pair of chaps, just a heavy leather coat and a vest leather gloves with leather boots and sunglasses and I rode in hurricane type weather and snow. Today I am most amused since I stopped flying a patch that everyone wants one, and has one, no matter what social club it might be. There is now even a couple TV shows about the "outlaw lifestyle" I would have never Imagine that would ever come to pass. I loved to ride, I loved everything about it, but I would give it up again because it was the best thing for my family and most bikers I have known can not or will not put their family first. I was the same for many years and I know it to be true.

I have never owned anything but a Harley, and rode for more than 20 years. Everyone I have owned either was totaled due to being hit and or catching fire, I lost 2 that way. My wife used to ride with me, until our last ride together I blew my rear tire and because I wanted to protect her I was able to some how to keep it upright and bring it to a stop without dumping it and her knowing there was a problem, a feat I didn't think I was capable of, but when you are in love you protect the one's you love and that was the last time I was able to take her out, and I stopped riding a year after that when I wrecked yet another bike and took my current course of action.

Thank you for your feedback. I still have my 49 Harley Panhead, but I have it torn apart to protect me from being stupid in a moment of weakness, it didn't help me be in a good place with regards to my family, so I decided to move away from all of that temptation and became dead to that world, to sell out and devote myself to my family which was the best overall decision I could have made for all of us. Now that my wife is gone I don't know, I may put it back together someday, but that will come much later, I neither have the time nor money to do it right, so I wont start it unless I do. I also don't need no further distraction to my current goals. Currently the road I am now traveling is hard enough and I would prefer not to fail.

I guess there is the rub, being in my mind, even after the fact I enlisted just out of high school in 1968, so I wouldn't get drafted there is never honor in war, war overall is very dishonorable and fought for the wrong reason too many times. Viet Nam was no exception. I remember reading in the Stars ans Stripes stories about the war and then reading about the same event in local US Papers and the facts seldom lined up, in Viet Nam it was about the body count. Granted compared to most my duty station mine was rather "safe" being I served on a Aircraft carrier the USS Coral Sea Attack Aircraft Carrier #43, basically pushing planes around all day, for 12 hours plus and spending up to 6 months at sea at a time. When I got discharged I was lost and then loosing my mother shortly thereafter I ended up joining up with the Outlaw biker community where being honorable was not something that was considered a positive trait, with the exception of brotherhood/family which I was lacking since leaving the Navy. I know blah, blah, everybody has hard luck stories, and nothing about mine is anything special............

Thank you for your feedback, one day at a time

There is no fear of rejection as I had said in another post Brother Ward, was given the calling to visit me every month for the last few years, they want me back, it is just the changing of course, and path, first the lost of my wife and now turning even an extra degree is difficult. I was very active before going into the Navy and doing 3 tours of duty in Viet Nam, in fact my family name goes as far back as the church as those who know Joseph, on return to the states I went to my Bishop with one question, which was, If I was responsible directly and or indirectly for the lost of hundreds if not thousands of lives, how can I ever now get into heaven, and I never got the answer that I needed to absolve myself. So I began to fill my life with everything I needed to allow me to feel normal , and or good about myself and it took many turns in the last 62 years, one of which and it ended up being the best thing I ever did was marrying my wife, it was a long battle to bend me to what was best for the family but she stood strong and did it with love, and now she is gone....... Changing course is the current problem, I have had so much change thrust on me with the death of my wife as well as her year fight cancer, and now I feel I need to take a breath, and then on the other had even with the fact she was not a member, I need to now find my path to redemption to even have a chance of seeing her again, in the afterlife..... In a year one of her Aunt's is going to have her sealed to her parents and family, so hopefully that gives her the path that I can one day follow......

I do understand that being I was just windowed last month, my wife was the sweetest most caring woman I have ever met, and she was the true rudder in my life changing me to who I am today, After 34 years I have had her by my side no matter what, and today I must walk that path alone, and it can be very hard, men are taught not to show emotions so I find myself keeping it at bay overall, but my home has now just turned into a house with only me, in it. I understand my children and grandchildren love and need me but the can not fill that void, I get lonely and doubt myself a lot, I look toward the havens hoping for some sort of sign that she is there, the whole ordeal can be difficult at times. It makes it even harder that I had to have her plug pulled, because we agreed on it, and I had to honor her wishes, but now I asked myself what if, would it change anything, waiting and watching the last two hours of her gasping for air was something I still envision, and it sadden me not only for my lost but for the lost of our family. Worst yet I fell away for the church about 40 years ago so I don't even have that to give me solace. I am not a man with any friends, because people in general have always disappointed me, and it has been easier not to even give them a chance and now with my wife gone I have no one what so ever. I have taken the first step to begin my journey back to church and I hope to begin in a week or two, I even drove pass it yesterday not being able to go in. So understand you are not alone in any way, we all suffer something, and we must all start with the single step and hope we reach our goal and not matter how many steps it end up taking if you reach it, then it is all worth the journey. Just remember the only thing we are guaranty to fail at is what we never try.