SeekingHope77

Been there buddy!! I started going to the church when I was only 11 yrs old. Both of my parents were againat me being baptized at that age. I lived with only my mom and she allowed me to go to church and take the missionary discussions though. I went to church actively and happily for two years! I approached my parents again about baptism when I was 13 yrs old. I'd proven to them that I was dedicated at that point. I was baptized at 13 and have been active ever since. I'm now 35, married in the temple, 5 lovely kids! Becoming a member of thus church was the best decision I ever made! I cant imagine my life without the gospwl, i would be lost! Hopefully they will allow you to attend your meetings each week. When they've witnessed your dedication they will feel satisfied that you are not being impulsive and hasty. Do all you can to gain a strong testimony of the gospel and the Spirit will bare witness to you of its truth. Good luck dear!!

Yes, I told my bishop that we'd like a referral to Family Services. I actually saw a therapist for myself last year. She was LDS but had her own private practice. It definitely made a difference not having to explain our lifestyle and culture to her. I know that therapy is a really good idea for both of us separately and for our marriage.

Ktbee, thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words. At this point, I definitely think therapy would be good for me for sure and for our marriage. I can't blame my husband for my horrible decisions. But I do wish we could make some changes to prevent those feelings from resurfacing. I have self esteem issues for sure. I don't quite understand it completely. I hope a therapist could shed some light on it for me and give me some suggestions on how to improve my situation. I take it day by day for now. Most days are pretty good. I'm encouraged to stay on the path of righteousness and to become totally forgiven for my transgressions. Its a long road though.....

Oh Angie, Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful thing. Heavenly Father desires for us to be happy! Men ARE that they may JOY! Absolutely do NOT bring children into this relationship! Consider yourself lucky that you figured out you made a mistake marrying him before you had kids. What a blessing. You made a mistake. Chalk it up to being young and naive. We all make mistakes! You have righteous desires! Heavenly Father set up the Plan of Happiness for us to enjoy our families forever! This is NOT what you want NOW, let alone for ETERNITY! Being divorced at 21 is nothing to worry about. It's much harder to remarry once kids are involved. There are plenty of worthy, righteous young men who would be willing to marry you, take care of you, cherish you, and enjoy you forever! You deserve it. I would speak to your bishop immediately. No one deserves physical, verbal or emotional abuse. Leave that relationship! Good luck dear!

Thank you Dove! What beautiful thoughts you shared! I'm overwhelmed by the kindness these complete strangers have shown me with their compassion and advice. Its sad, but even this attention is wonderful to me! Maybe i could have avoided an affair if i joined this forum a long time ago! Its wonderful to have righteous latter-day saints supporting me and encouraging me in this time of great need for me. Im plugging along, day by day, hour by hour.

I used to meet with a therapist and i felt like it wasn't dealing with my immediate issues. I do think my husband and i will start counseling through LDS Family Services. I used to get hired to perform my hobby for many people. It was wonderful to have people seek me out for my talent. It got very stressful for me though, juggling family and work. I had to quit. Since then I've really missed that validation. I know i cant count on others to make me happy. I've just always been that way, as long as i can remember. My parents weren't the gushing type, telling me how wonderful i was. I always ate it up when i heard it from others. Girls aren't as likely to gush over you because they're insecure themselves. But as a teenager i was always boy crazy. My world revolved around it. Kinda pathetic really. I really do need to work on loving myself. I'm horrible at it.

Anatess, You hit the nail on the head here!! I need to know and understand my self worth. I've always envied people with a healthy self esteem. I wouldn't have near the problems I've had if i knew what i was truly worth. I've told my husband for years, i still don't believe him completely when he tells me how much he loves me. I think to myself, "How could he, I'm so incredibly flawed!".... I don't really know how to change that opinion of myself without the input of others.

Misshalfway, i think I am (after 15 yrs of marriage and 35 yrs of life) starting to figure out my emotional needs. I do need validation, but it must be sincere. I can tell when its forced and that just feels insulting. Unfortunately, those needs arent easily met on my own. I tell my husband when i need friends, when i need adult conversation, etc... He's always been willing to let me get out with friends. He doesn't trust me so much anymore. Those days are over. Im not sure how those needs will be filled.

My husband knows my needs, we've talked about it a lot in this last month. It's something that doesnt come natural to him. He tries to fill my needs, but it fizzles out eventually. I've always just told myself that I'm so blessed to have what I have in him that I hated to make him feel bad about himself for that small thing. His sexual needs have always been more of a priority in our marriage. My needs have always been harder to verbalize. I'm feeling extremely humbled. I hardly feel deserving of any efforts to fill my needs. I absolutely agree with you that I need to lose myself in him. When I'm feeling hopeful and positive that is exactly my priority. But on those days when I feel so much self pity and sorrow, its difficult to feel emotionally motivated to serve. I've told him I'm willing to do anything to make him happy and earn his trust back. He's had a hard time outlining those points, other than me becoming a perfect housekeeper, wife, and sex kitten. It's my mood swings that frustrate me. On my good days things are great, I do everything I can to please him. But when he's feeling down about my sins he's not as receptive and that makes me sad too. I'm aware that these are all consequences for my actions. I'm no good to him all depressed and having a pity party. I wear my heart on my sleeve, i can't hide my sadness. I really appreciate your advice, its very helpful!!

Oh needsomehelp, i completely understand. My hubby and i were virgins when we got married, kind of sexually shy actually. My hubby never even had any sexual transgressions before our marriage, he was a great kid! I had some petting issues as a teen so i felt like the bad seed in our marriage. About 6 or 7 years ago i caught him looking at porn on the computer. I was in complete shock!!! Who was this guy? Certainly not the man i married!! I was devastated! He immediately saw the bishop and i supported his efforts at repentance. I was extremely hurt for a while but never considered ending our marriage! This is a very common issue. I was aware of that and i think it helped me feel some compassion. I feel like i dealt with it well. Years later, i know it happened but the pain is completely gone and has been for years. I'm a very compassionate person though. If i were you, i would immediately confess to my bishop and seek his counsel. I don't believe your wife needs to know. It will hurt her and change her opinion of you. I know she can forgive you in time. But if your bishop thinks its okay, i would choose to not tell her. I know that through the help of the Lord and support from your bishop you can rid yourself completely of this sin. That is what is most important. I honestly don't think she needs to know and I'm not sure that clearing your conscience to her is necessary. Confessing to your bishop should be sufficient. He may feel differently though. Start reading the Miracle of Forgiveness, it is an excellent source of inspiration in situations like this. My husbands past transgressions are gone, in the Lords mind and mine. I'm the transgressor now.....(see my post about my affair.)

Thank you Rameumptom for your input. Honestly, before I EVER sought attention from other men i would try desperately to attach myself to my women friends. I was always wanting to hangout and talk and have their attention. They had their priorities straight and chose to spend more time with their family. But that was hard for me, to feel like i wasn't a priority to anyone. It honestly is not (IMHO) a sex addiction. In fact that was always an issue in my marriage, me not having much of a libido. With this last guy, i would have been completely satiated by words, time, and attention. Thats why the emotional affair happened and lasted much longer. I didnt need the physical attention, i knew my husband was willing to give me that. In fact, the expressed attention i received from the emotional affair actually helped my self esteem and consequently increased my libido for my husband. Obviously, it was still very wrong. Im very aware that i need to lean on my Savior and seek the help of the Holy Spirit. I'm doing great accomplishing my goals to create good spiritual habits. Unfortunately, I'm still feeling lonely. I'm a very social person, i was always on Facebook trying to be involved with my friends. Now, I'm off of Facebook completely, not going to the gym anymore, hardly leaving the house. I have to overt my eyes whenever i see men in public. I just need people more than anyone i know.

Is that better Dravin?? Sorry its so long. I'm not good at concise.

I had a very brief affair, about 6 weeks in total from when I met the guy. I've had an an emotional affair with a different guy as well for a year prior. The most recent affair moved very quickly from one stage to the next, finally ending with sex and many tears. I went immediately to confess to my bishop, within hours of the act. I immediately felt great godly sorrow and remorse for having let it go that far. I've been on the road of repentance for 4 weeks now. I told husband everything that same day. He was devastated, as he should be. We've been married for 15 years and have 5 children. We've had a very good relationship; rarely arguing, lots of laughs, best friends, some issues with frequency of intimacy but that was about it. He is a very emotionally even person....never gets really mad, but also never gets really excited. I'm a very passionate person but I've mellowed out since being married to him. I don't think i realized how much a craved feeling desired. He has never been very verbally passionate about "wanting" me sexually. Of course he did but it was kind of an unspoken thing, not a lot of romance and expressions of desire. I also have "daddy issues, not growing up with my dad in my home and feeling unloved by him. I became addicted to feeling desired by other men. Passionate men who were able to express verbally how sexy I am, how irresistible I am, how much they wanted me.....etc. This last affair was very different than what I'd ever experienced in my marriage. The man was married with kids but very experienced sexually from prior to being married. It felt so great to be told those things i wanted to hear. I felt so guilty whenever I was with him and he knew that. I tried hard to resist his advances but couldn't shake the high of feeling desired. It's over now and I've been a very good girl for this last month. But I'm very lonely. I cant talk to anyone about my situation, other than my husband and bishop. I have good days where I keep very busy and accomplish a lot. Then there are sad days where I feel very lonely and down on myself and I miss feeling loved. I know my husband loves me but our relationship is very different now, strained....for obvious reasons. I pray many times a day, read and study scriptures and the Miracle of Forgiveness. I just feel like I have no one on my side, encouraging me to hang on, applauding my efforts....etc. My husband is focusing on being closer to the Lord and learning forgiveness, so that my emotional needs are not a priority. I don't even feel like I deserve to be cared for. But that doesn't change the fact that i still crave to be loved and desired. I just feel very vulnerable now. I don't know where to fill that need. If anyone has any positive words of encouragement or advice, having been in a similar situation on either end, I would greatly appreciate it!!!

Hang in there TheOnlyJared. We all have our periods of trial. Try to find people around you that may need a friend. Talk to shy people in your ward, at school, strangers in the grocery store. One of my favorite books in the world is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Excellent read!! Anyone who wants friends and wants to learn how to be a friend should read this book! When school starts join some clubs, sports, etc. Trust me, you are not alone. Many, many people out there are feeling alone. I am one of them. Set yourself some goals to work toward, ie: Talk to 5 strangers today, Get in touch with 2 old friends, Join a community/school club, Join a gym and take classes. I hope this gives you some hope!!

I've just started looking at this site for advice and I'm ready to begin posting.