JosephP

That was my plan also, until someone in the ward invited me, so now my plan is to go to someone else's dinner, feel like an outsider, while feeling sorry for myself.

I want to thank everyone. I cannot go into any detail, allow me to say after "wrestling with The Lord," I have had a "mighty change of heart." 10 Nevertheless Alma labored much in the spirit, wrestling with God in mighty prayer.... (Book of Mormon, Alma, Chapter 8) 2 And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. (Book of Mormon, Mosiah, Chapter 5) Thank you for allowing me to give voice to my rebellion and to work through it without judgement.

I know that for me when I lost the guy I was going to marry, it was extremely painful and I was very angry and depressed. I stopped taking very good care of myself. I probably should have gone to some therapy and/or taken something for awhile, because I was in a bad spot for awhile. Personally for me, it was more about fear of never finding someone else who would love me than it was losing the guy. And for me, fear often pushes me to anger. I wasn't myself for a long time. I was jaded and angry and probably not too much fun to be around. Just a little empathy and some stuff to think about. I think heartbreak is one of the hardest things we deal with in this life. Again, I'm sorry you're having to go through it. Yeah, I appreciate the empathy. This ain't going away anytime soon. I was pretty much blindsided by the whole thing. I don't see any point worrying about the relationship any more, it's my withdrawing from the church that I want to be able to get past. But in reality I find the distance growing despite the intellectual understanding that my feelings are wrong. But since faith is all about feeling and beliefs, I'm having a hard time even thinking of making peace with God right now.

Thanks for sharing your story, I'm sorry for what you went through. As far as looking for another woman to take to the temple. The thought seems totally dishonest. I know there would only be the feeling that this isn't what I had wanted.

Yes, I am very well aware of that, which is why I said I'm not blaming God, I'm unwilling to accept his will. I'm furious, and rebellious. I don't care what is fair and reasonable, I want to simply lash out. I can't imagine sitting through a church meeting, or feeling worthy to take the sacrament. It's taking all the willpower I have to just maintain saying a mumbled prayer lacking all conviction. My feelings now are little more than wanting to spitefully walk out, childishly declaring "I'll show you!" My hope is shattered, I can't believe, or even desire to trust again, either in personal revelation, or in another women.

Yes, I have been through addiction recovery and learned a lot from it. It's no small part of the reason why I'm able to say I don't blame God, I'm unwilling to accept his will. At this point the pain causes me to want to be self destructive and turning away from the church seems the childish, spiteful kind of behavior to indulge my rage in. I hope I get over it, right now I can't see past the rage. What scares me the most is that coldly and logically I can see that I will never want to marry anyone else in the temple. If the personal revelation that I received, which was so real to me, isn't realized then any other women will have to play a distant second place to my sincere conviction that I'm marrying the wrong person. I simply don't want to do that to anyone, I will resent her and myself. No matter how much I reason it away, and make excuses for an alternate explanation of the revelation, I will always know that anyone else will not be what I believe is right. Just writing this has escalated my anger in the extreme.

He hasn't responded to my email sent Tuesday. He did stop by for two hours on Sunday night.

Yes they do, but I am seldom the same on the other side of it. It's the feeling that I don't even want to believe anymore that I worry is permanent. My desire for a celestial marriage was the defining goal of my life. Now I find the very idea of a temple marriage FOR ME to be "insert irreverent negative feeling here" I simply cannot imagine ever trusting that much again, to hope for such an ideal at the risk of soul crushing disappointment. My thoughts now are to turn outside the church for a new relationship, one devoid of eternal hope and promise. As I recently expressed to my bishop. Right now the gospel seems irrelevant. I do not doubt it's truth, just fail to see how it applies to me. Trying to apply it now in my life would be the equivalent of trying to convince a homelessness person of the truthfulness of the stock market, and suggesting he apply its principles to relieve his poverty. The ideals of the gospel seem equally as remote, a system designed for those with far more resources than I have. I have no hope or faith left to invest, the belief in the gospel's reality is just one more thing I feel that is good in the world, that I personally have no part in.

Thanks for your very deeply expressed response. I know I should not be debating my sadness and lack of faith, I just need to suffer through it. No one can convince someone who is sad and lonely to just shake it off and be healthy again. My lack of devotion to the gospel is the most painful. I'm just going through the motions without any conviction or sincerity. My answers aren't going to discovered through debating. Thanks to everyone who offered advice and support.

As I said, I hold that as a truth, not offering it as universal wisdom. Pretty much the same way I'm handling this. If I can't come to an agreement or compromise we both agree with, I turn away. In my personal life I usual just defer to my spouses desire, since few things in a marriage have real relevance worth arguing about

That would be nice, but I don't have anything else. There is nothing else I want to do on my own. It is the very act of aloneness that makes any action undesirable. I'll consider that when He and I are on speaking terms again. It's hard to feel anything now other than a desire to turn away. I'm not going to pretend a devotion I don't feel. That's the only thing you've said that hints at you being young. I'm 57 years old and I can assure you with absolute certainty, there is very much wrong with being single. Actually I have a brother and sister 1100 miles away and another brother 2400 miles away. I e not seen any of them in years, I have no family. The wad family is great for three hours a week, but you can't build a life or a social life around that. I do splits with the missionaries whenever they ask, about 2-3 times a month. I assure you, that doesn't make for a full life. Every night I am alone, every weekend and holiday I am alone. I want my own family, not being the odd guest at someone else's thanksgiving dinner. As I said before, I'm already 57 years old. I want a wife I can have a life with, if I wait any longer I'll be looking for a roommate for my nursing home instead.

Let me offer an anolgy. I have long held that in a troubled relationship between two people the person who knows they are in the wrong refuses to speak about it, while the person who believes they are in the right won't shut up. In this case I know it is not possible for God to be in the wrong, yet I willfully refuse to accept that he was kept his part of the covenant. I'm feeling rage, unwilling to accept his will. I'd rather abandon everything I know is true than accept this. Of course I know how stupid that sounds, but while I have many faults, hypocrisy isn't one of them. For me to admit that any part of me feels this is right would be a lie. All that I feel tells me God is wrong, I won't accept this. I don't want to reason it out, I want my will in this. How exactly should I pray? "Dear God, everything I am tells me this is false, but help to to accept it!" That's too much like hypocrisy and blind faith for me. Perhaps over time my rage will subside, but right now it doesn't feel like I would be submitting to the will of a loving Heavenly Father, but subjecting myself to the unstoppable injustice of an indifferent supreme being. Until I can loving submit, my anger leads me to angry defiance.

Thank you. I will deeply consider it. As I've said, I don't doubt the gospel is true, my doubt is in myself, if I will chose to fight through this darkness by trying to find a shred of my shattered hope, or if I will just give in to despair. The darkness of despair looms large in my life right now, the light of hope is but a dying ember far off, as if from another time and place.

Actually the attitude of "this too shall pass" can lead to deep depression as we become complacent to misfortune and fail to strive against fixing it. The attitude of just waiting in hopes of things getting better on their own is a out growth of that attitude. I think you are right, emotional pain is as unrelenting as physical pain, and in many ways far harder to live with. Physical pain can be treated medically, can be understood by those around us. Emotional pain is unrelieved, often unsupported by loved ones. It drains hope and leads to despair far more often then physical pain.

I'm sorry if I gave the impression I've been able to sincerely pray right now. No, I can offer my blessing on my meal, say an evening minimalistic prayer, but sincerely open my heart, no nothing like that. I don't trust God anymore. Like I said at the start, I don't even know if I want it to be true anymore. Right now an eternal grave doesn't sound all that bad.

You are correct, it's something that as a single adult rep I see all the time. The afterthought to invite the single sisters and widows. I've never at any time, in any setting, heard anyone mention to include the single brothers. I'm not surprised so few of us attend. I don't think people are just offering us lip service, its just that we are an almost invisible population. Also, even when we are thought about we still feel like a fifth wheel sitting at a table full of couples, literally the odd man out.

It's not my relation with my brothers and sisters that is lacking, it's my rage at Heavenly Father that is the issue.

I couldn't in sincerity ask for a calling when I'm as likely to never return as not. I'm currently the single adult rep and, of course, a home teacher. I asked to be released from primary last year because I felt isolated from all the adults, and I needed fellowship very much.

Thanks for your response, it was exactly on point. I'm indeed feeling the anger, but I'm fearful of its continuous growth. I could not imagine walking into a chapel with my heart so bitter and angry. I don't care to debate the obvious error in logic that my feeling deceived by God is, but that is how I feel, reason not withstanding. I have listened to some talks, being both hurt by the idea of a lost celestial relationship, and scoffing at what it my bitterness seems idealistic nonsense on marriage and family. I'm angry, and like a little child I want to lash out, and God is where all my rage seems to be headed. Quietly sitting through a sacrament meeting of happy people sharing happy family stories would require a level of self discipline I'm not ready for right now.

Thanks for the kind words. My concern isn't my disappointment in the lost relationship, it is my sincere desire to avoid church meetings. I didn't attend Sunday and I'm making other plans for Stake Conference this week. I'm angry, I feel I don't want to be a part of it anymore. The thought of the gospel irrates me, mocks my loneliness and isolation. A major part of me really wants to turn away, join a nice drunken party and forget all this pointless striving after righteousness stuff. This is a family church, an older single male is a misfit, I've known that for some time, but now it is a message that is screaming through my very being, I don't belong here.

I've just had my fiancé break our engagement, offering little more than the "it's not you, it's me" explanation. I truly felt that the spirit had directed me to this, even had a very powerful personal revelation about it. Now with it's termination the feeling of lost hope has become overwhelming. I don't doubt God, as much as I doubt my desire to subject myself to his will and guidance again. Everything about the gospel just irrates me. The thought of attending meetings and listening to the importance of families, of loving your spouse, etc falls on my ears like cruel mockery. I simply don't want to hear it, I certainly don't want to trust it again. We are told if we can only have enough faith to just want it to be true, it will be enough. I think I've reached the point where I don't want it to be true, and my faith is something I wish I could just turn off so I could turn away and indulge my own will.

My playlist is all audiobooks or discussions on the scriptures from BYUTV. The book I'm listening to is Geraldine Brooks' "People of the Book." It's excellent. Just finished "These is My Words" yesterday. Do they count?

Why not try LDS.org and type superstitions into the search box. I'll bet you get all kinds of good stuff.

I'm sorry if it wasn't obvious I was referring to church callings. I'm assuming your bishop didn't call you to marry your wife.

Your desire to be charitable is laudable, and I can't add much to the good ideas already offered. I would like to add a word of caution about handing out money to people on the street. Sometimes one will follow you in hopes of stealing more money that you may have. If you go that route, use caution. Certainly not all homeless people are thieves, but it is a very dangerous, crime infested area.