A difficult ex, the sequel

[unixknight]

This is directly relating to the thread under 'Parenting' but because it's no longer limited just to the kids I felt it might be more appropriate moved to here.

As I noted in the other thread, my 3 older kids live with my ex 90% of the time with them coming to stay with me every other weekend and during the summer we have weeks together here and there. She's gone inactive in order to please her new boyfriend and ceased to wear her garments (to what end I can easily conclude but I try not to spend time thinking about it) and yes, the kids are aware of this and the fact that he spends weekends at their home.

Now, I've pretty well got a handle on how to talk with the kids about this but with her recent hostile comments about the church, especially about the fact that the Bishop spoke to her in his office and he knows what's going on (offering her a chance to confess which she declined).

I have a new concern, and I don't know what will happen next. Given that her Bishop knows what she's been doing and given that he gave her a chance to confess it which she refused, is it likely or possible that he will call a Disciplinary Council?

I've been the subject of a Disciplinary Council myself and one thing I learned is that it can be a very positive and helpful experience, IF you go into it humbly and with a positive attitude. If/when it happens she'll probably call me for advice since I've been there, and my answer will be that she needs to take a big bite of humble pie and like it. I can almost guarantee that my ex will not do so, and it is my guess that the result would therefore be excommunication. If that happens, she won't come back.

(I don't KNOW that, but I'm guessing. )

So now I need to decide what, if anything, I should do. We're still sealed in the Temple (for now, anyway) and I feel some measure of responsibility. But I do know that I wi ll obviously have to tell the kids SOMETHING if it happens.

1)I have an appointment with my Bishop on Sunday to talk about other stuff. Should I bring this up?

2)What do I tell my kids if the worst happens?

3)Is there anything I can do to help? (Other than prayer, which I will do)

Thanks.

[Iggy]

unixknight,

I think this is where you need to read up on Agency and consequences from the choices we make, and don't make.

Discuss this with your Bishop, in detail - take notes if necessary.

My sister-in-law divorced my little brother. The why's and wherefores really don't matter here. He was not upholding his husbandly/ fatherly/priesthood duties. (during the marriage and after the marriage).

One thing that my sister-in-law stressed to their 4 children was that no matter what Dad did or didn't do he was still Dad, they were to love him unconditionally because he is a Child of God. Dad does some wrong things and Dad will suffer the consequences of his actions and inactions. It is not up to any human to judge him. Only Jesus Christ and God can judge Dad. Dad isn't to judge himself either. She told the children that they don't have to like the wrong things that he does, but they do have to love him. They are to respect him for the good things he does and says.

My little brother finally got back on the right path, and he has a loving and good relationship with his children. What really warms my heart is when he takes the kids and the kids' Mom to the Temple and they all do Baptisms for the Dead.

As for your ex, what ever happens to her regarding the Church and her sealing, you may just have to ask the Bishop that one. If he doesn't know, then ask the Stake President, or the Temple President.

[unixknight]

I don't mean to gravedig an old thread, but there's something I wanted to bring up to ask about that directly relates to it.

I received a call from my older son(16) this afternoon that disturbed me greatly. It seems my ex and her semi-live-in boyfriend have decided to go find a new church together. They decided that they'd go "church shopping" today as a family (!) and wanted to take my kids along.

My older son refused to go. He's active in church, he goes to Seminary regularly, and he has no intention to go to any new church. He's a Mormon and loving it. My younger son(13) wasn't there since he was spending the night at a friend's house, but my older daughter(9) was forced to go.

All 3 of my kids are baptized LDS, and all 3 of them like it, but my daughter is still young enough and to her mommy's word is still gospel that I fear greatly. It's not just the idea of her losing interest in the church, it's that my ex seems to be actively making an effort to push her out. She called me this evening from the bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese's (apparently to do so in secret) and told me now she's very confused by what's going on and she doesn't understand why her brother and mother are now having this argument.

They're due to come down this coming weekend to visit, so it's my chance to sit down with her and try to explain as best I can what's happening, and to try and offer her something to cling to to preserve her testimony.

The upside is this will probably motivate me to attend church more regularly, especially on the weekends the kids are here... but I don't know if that'll be enough and I don't know what else to do.

[Wingnut]

(1) It sounds like this is something of great concern to you, so definitely bring it up with the bishop. The worst he can do is tell you it's not your place, but I think it is your business.

(2) Ask your bishop for counsel on what to tell your children. He can help you.

(3) Again, ask your bishop for help here. He may be able to point you toward someone else in the ward who might be able to relate to you in one way or another to help you through this.

About your children. I think it's great that your older son is staying strong in the Gospel (not necessarily that he's standing up to his mom that way, but that he's firm in his testimony). He will be a great example for your younger children. With your daughter, it's totally normal that she's confused by everything that's going on. When you have her, keep taking her to church and to church activities. I wouldn't encourage your son to help her "rebel" against mom, but you could maybe have a one-on-one with your older son about the special responsibility he has. After all, he is the Priesthood holder in your daughter's home right now.

[Elgama]

I think maybe make your home welcoming and protecting is best thing you can do

Make sure when they are there you do scripture study, family prayer, and family home evening. And make sure when they are confused they have access to a blessing

-Charley

[talisyn]

You're in a tough position. You need to talk to your ex about respecting the other parent. Your ex has the right to go to whatever church she things is good for her but she does not have the right to bad-mouth your church, and the same goes for you of course. Talk to your oldest boy and see if he can help bolster your daughter's faith when you can't. Because she's so young she's going to be going to your ex's church. Your job is to make sure you take them to church and hold family home evenings as often as possible. Don't allow the spark of a testimony to go out! It's good to be more active in the church, even when you don't have the kids. Your conduct is being observed and noted by your kids. Be the foundation they need until they get old enough to have their own strong testimonies (your oldest seems to be doing great, congrats on that!).

I'm sorry to come across so forcefully >< but this kind've hits home for me. My ex is a mildly bitter ex-mo himself and I realized a few months ago if something happens to me my beautiful daughter will go to him, so I've been playing gospel catch-up (I admit to thinking I'm going to live forever and not being as spiritual as I should have been). Really it comes down to basic principles. Who was it that said something like 'teach them proper principles and they will not stray'? I think he meant as long as kids are taught where the path is back to God the Father they will always remember, no matter where they go. It's all you can do.

[foreverafter]

unixknight,

Can I just ask you a question 1st. What do you want? Do you want to save your marriage? Are you willing to do whatever it takes if you could save it?. If you want the marriage to be totally over & you are dating, then it will be more difficult as your children grow older to believe your testimony.

After all, the main difference between our church & others is that we can seal families together forever & receive Exaltation through keeping our sacred marriage covenants. If that is not honored or taken seriously, than children can feel that pretty much most any church can help us be good people. Right now your children are still young, but in divorced families this parent's example thing, usually becomes a major issue. If the parents don't keep their covenants then the children usually don't take them seriously either & one day they usually break their covenants too cause their parents did. Not always but usually.

If you are still keeping your covenants & not dating then I commend you, & you will be able to teach your children with a confidence & faith they can also hold onto, that you still believe your family will be forever, cause you intend on keeping your marriage covenants to your wife & holding the marriage & family together, cause down the road your errant wife will repent, they always do eventually, whether in this life or the next.

Be her knight in shining armour, unixknight, someday she will need you to save her. You have that much power if you keep your covenants to her. Big sacrifice yes, but eternity is a long time & your kids want their own family together forever, not some new mom.

Edited March 2, 2009 by foreverafter

[unixknight]

I'm remarried. My new wife posts on this forum often.

[foreverafter]

Ok, sorry then for being so forward with my advice. But the church is true & someday the Lord will heal your children from what they are going through & will help them be strong in the church, just do your best & as the Prophet's say, don't worry, they are in Heavenly Father hands.

[unixknight]

Man, I hope so. My ex called me this afternoon with a question, namely, how one reconciles the warning at the end of Revelation about adding or subtracting from the context of this book. She knew I'd have the answer (LDS Apologetics is a hobby of mine) but I'm confused as to why she asked... At this point she isn't looking for reasons to trust the Church. She's looking for ammo to use against it. Why she'd come to me with a question like that has me confused. Much as I'd love for it to be her seeking to return, I don't think that's it.

I invited my daughter to dinner for Saturday night, just the two of us, and we're going to talk about this stuff.

[foreverafter]

Don't be fooled knight, your ex is still very much in love with you, though she does not know it, her mind is just twisted by the Adversary right now, making her do & want things that she normally wouldn't. But she knows you are strong & feels your good Spirit, but she probably just can't overcome her sins right now. Your children can feel your strength too & will draw closer & closer to you as time goes on because of your love & steadiness, I've seen this happen over & over.

Edited March 2, 2009 by foreverafter

[MarginOfError]

Don't be fooled knight, your ex is still very much in love with you, though she does not know it, her mind is just twisted by the Adversary right now, making her do & want things that she normally wouldn't. But she knows you are strong & feels your good Spirit, but she probably just can't overcome her sins right now. Your children can feel your strength too & will draw closer & closer to you as time goes on because of your love & steadiness, I've seen this happen over & over.

I'm curious as to what is going on in your life that you want such a fantastical perversion of reality to be true.

[Wingnut]

After all, the main difference between our church & others is that we can seal families together forever & receive Exaltation through keeping our sacred marriage covenants.

Not to completely hijack the thread, but there are a LOT of "main differences" between our church and others. This doesn't even make the top three that come to mind for me. Not that it's not important, but without the other things, this could never be.

1) Continuing revelation

2) Priesthood authority

3) Living prophets and apostles

Aside from that issue, I really don't know where you get off implying that the OP isn't keeping his covenants. In fact, from everything we can tell, he is the one who actually has kept covenants, not the ex-wife. You seem to have quite the agenda with him. Perhaps you're the ex-wife?

Don't be fooled knight, your ex is still very much in love with you, though she does not know it, her mind is just twisted by the Adversary right now, making her do & want things that she normally wouldn't. But she knows you are strong & feels your good Spirit, but she probably just can't overcome her sins right now. Your children can feel your strength too & will draw closer & closer to you as time goes on because of your love & steadiness, I've seen this happen over & over.

Huh? That's laughable.

[foreverafter]

1) Continuing revelation

2) Priesthood authority

3) Living prophets and apostles

Those 3 things make it possible for us to acheive the Church's supreme goal: Eternal Families.

[Wingnut]

Those 3 things make it possible for us to acheive the Church's supreme goal: Eternal Families.

The Church's "supreme goal" is not "eternal families."

"...the sacred mission of the Church [is] so beautifully set forth...—to “invite all to come unto Christ” (D&C 20:59), “yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him” (Moro. 10:32).

This grand mission of the Church is accomplished by proclaiming the gospel, perfecting the Saints, and redeeming the dead.

But don't believe me. Just ask President Benson.

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Come unto Christ, and Be Perfected in Him