How Involved Should Parents Be?

[StrawberryFields]

My kids are almost grown, full grown if you asked them lol.

In looking back I wonder if I got too involved in helping chose friends or maybe not enough.

What I tried to do was to let them chose and then tried to help them see the facts behind their choices.

Would you like your parents more involved or less involved and why.

[Misshalfway]

I would have liked my parents much more involved. They let me choose...from an almost detached sort of way. They of course would engage if I really blew it or got into serious trouble. For the most part, I feel like I raised myself. They provided for me and all that and tried I suppose. But, I think they wanted me gone more than they wanted me around.

I love involved parenting......the kind that isn't controlling.

[utcowboy]

Looking back on my life and on the lives of my children, I wish I had been more involved with their lives. Some of their choices are unfortunate to say the least, and when I give my opinion now, well the fight begins. It would have been easier if I had been involved earlier in their lives. But that happens sometimes when you have a split family. All I can do now is try to be a good example and give advise when asked. :)

[MorningStar]

Well, considering what happened with my friend when I was in Kindergarten, I wished my mom had put her foot down and said, "No, you are not playing with her because I don't trust her parents", but then it was a lesson to take my mom's advice into consideration. Her instincts were dead on. I think my parents did a good job finding a middle ground.

[Palerider]

I know it is tough.....I have 2 still at home....a 19 and a 22yr old....I try to stay out of their lives and what they do etc......I only get involved if they ask me for my opinion....I don't tell them when they have to be home. We do ask them as a courtesy to leave a note telling us there plans....I hope we are doing good at this.:)

[pam]

I have a daughter that will be 19 next month. While I have lessened the "curfew" on her..as Pale mentioned above..I do expect the courtesy of her telling me her plans and an anticipated time to be home. She knows my expectations and what hour is appropriate. Not that she always follows them but she knows them. I can't completely "lock up" for the night until everyone is home. All I expect is a common courtesy for living in the same house.

[WANDERER]

Being pretty reliable I wrote down where I was going/who with/address and contact numbers/time home and those sorts of things and stuck it on top of the chest of drawers in my room. Had the house key and a flexible curfew (called if plans changed...the flexible curfew was earnt). This system worked well in my uni years and I kept the habit when I flatted out as a uni student (though no one was tracking me anymore..it's a good one to have for young adults as even the friends that appear solid and reliable may not be). My parents didn't bat an eyelid over my social plans because I was overly-detailed...although they were always up when I came home...mostly went in to chat about things because they did this and they liked hearing about things; but sometimes was the typical teenager you only see at mealtimes LOL. My overplanning and social calendar exhausted them a little I think...they normally didn't bother to ask what was going on and where after a couple of years of that..but perhaps they did check the paperwork every single time and I didn't know ; ) . I never broke the deal...I wanted to make things work for everyone. They never asked me to do it...just worked out to be what I did. I did the house lockup when I got home...wouldn't want to stuff that one up and go back to an earlier curfew.

[StrawberryFields]

the flexible curfew was earnt...... I never broke the deal...I wanted to make things work for everyone.

These are very mature statements.:)

[StrawberryFields]

They are all good responses. :)

To the youth who might be struggling with some rules, maybe if you first prove that you are responsible and your responsibility will continue to grow.:)

[Misshalfway]

Staying involved is so key. I think I hate the extremes.....the detached or the controlling ends. I mean who wants to raise themselves.....and who wants to be controlled??? And how does a child learn to choose if their choices are made for them? I think it is a delicate balance to know when it is time to make a choice or let them have a go. I think as children get older, it is even more difficult to know how involved a parent should be. Perhaps such things should be negotiated over time. Perhaps staying flexible is important. I know there have been times when having parents involved in my adult business was problematic and also times when, for a season, more close involvement was needed. I don't know how one comes to that kind of wisdom to know when to engage and when to back off. Thank goodness for the Spirit.

A Dixie Chics song comes to mind "Wide Open Spaces"

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about

Who's never left home, who's never struck out

To find a dream and a life of their own

A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow

A young girl's dream no longer hollow

It takes the shape of a place out west

But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

[Chorus:]

She needs wide open spaces

Room to make her big mistakes

She needs new faces

She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child

Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired

But now she won't be coming back with the rest

If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"

Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"

She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"

When she stood there and let her own folks know

She needed wide open spaces........

[YoungMormonRoyalist]

Take Heavenly Father, the ultimate parent, as your example:

Give us our agency

Set guidlines, and be clear that there are consequences for breaking them, blessings (Usually being more freedom) if they do.

If you see a friend that doesn't fall into these guidlines, ask them them if they would be comfortable to have him/her, their friend, and the prophet in the same room, using the same language and doing the same things they would normally be doing.