In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

[pam]

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

[pam]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

[pam]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[pam]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there atching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

[lilered]

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

Geez, it getting worse. When I went to school it was 3 out of 1!

[Dr T]

H2O is inside a fire hydrant so what's outside of a fire hydrant?

K-9P!

[pam]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[pam]

A U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "There is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"You will spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

The senator goes down, down, down into hell and finds himself in the middle of a green golf course where all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him are playing.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

The senator then visits heaven, joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They are having such a good time there, too, that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity," says St. Peter.

The senator reflects for a minute. "Well, I would never have said it before -- I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

He finds himself in the middle of a barren desert covered with waste and garbage, where all his friends, dressed in rags, are picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator.

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[lilered]

FBI job opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background

checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two

men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the

men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that

you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill

her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my

wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and

went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came

out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The

agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same

instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the

room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,

crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat

from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

[lilered]

Leno:

There is a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they’re very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes.

To Democrats, IRS means, “I’m really sorry.”

[sakuragirl]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

[sakuragirl]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is

happening and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

You're going to love this..................

You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!

[Dr T]

What games to ants play with elephants?

Squash!

aaahahahahaha

[sakuragirl]

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak to Jesus they begin to ask for help.

The 1st guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years.

The 2nd guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the 3rd guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

[sakuragirl]

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[sakuragirl]

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' ollowers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

[Dr T]

What do you call a 100 year old ant?

An antique!

[sakuragirl]

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.

At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."

The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."

The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."

The final child said, "I am Mormon and this is my casserole dish."

[sakuragirl]

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

AND . . . (drum roll please?)

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

[Maxel]

1. If you're too open minded' date=' your brains will fall out.[/quote'] LOL... funny and pithy.

[sakuragirl]

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.

"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

[Dr T]

Who is the most famous French ant?

Napoleant!

[pam]

Two guys in a car drive right through a red light.

"Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.

"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.

Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop.

"Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger.

The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

[pam]

This morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear-view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned my groin, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers!