So what is the answer? Do any of you know?

[Winnie G]

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I spent some time thinking why was it I have drifted away the way I have?

It has been a very long year for me and I think I am just getting over licking my own wounds, like a cat does after a long ally fight.

Losing two loved ones in a year to the cancer everyone colors pink, like the coloring it makes it less deadly.

The pain was not lessoned by a loving ward who barley acknowledged the grief we have passed though. I guess it was easier to gossip that we had gone inactive then gone for long periods of time to care for those loved ones and the duties that fall in to your lap. Such as funerals and disposal of effects and estate, with family nipping at your heals as to who gets what. Its funny how any group of persons closely related by blood can act like treasure seekers at the death of a loved one.

I’m not kidding that not one ward member passed on condolences. I did have one however make the remark how in inconvenient it was for my sister pass on shortly after I returned from spending the summer caring for her making a return trip for me. Not one “Oh I’m sorry Winnie” just “Well that was inconvenient of her”

I have been a many Wards some have it going for them working hard to live the gospel and others well I’m just glade to say there few and far between.

This one is all in-lawed / related to each other. We are just the odd couple, the odd men out.

It is frustrating because we have so much to give and instead of feeling a part of this work we find our self’s angry and frustrated. Some of you might think I am whining for no reason but we live less then ten feet form a ward family (neighbor) and its like we don’t exist. They have ward members over for BBQ’s and parties and we just watch over the fence. We don’t have kids and we just seem like the odd couple. People say “Hi” in the hall or at ward activities but we just end up leaving and its like we are invisible.

People say “Oh were have you been? we thought you went inactive” right to our face!

The thing is that we been there! they just are so busy they don’t notice. Their a odd bunch.

I have a good friend who grow up in this part of Alberta and she apologies for them and says the members here are their own worst enemy’s against the church. My neighbor on the other side was almost a member once but said that the membership was so wrapped up in themselves they left her standing alone at most activities and services so she gave up and none even noticed she stopped coming. Now that is sad. I can see how that happens with people just new to the gospel but to do it with in at the membership from the inside out? I think the ward member neighbor thinks I am odd I hang out with the other neighbor on the other side. You see they sit on their back porch and drink and they smoke. But I find them real and friendly and what better way to spread the gospel then honest friend shipping. They say I am the nicest church member they ever met and gave me the nicest complement since I moved here by saying out side their family I am the only one they ever leave their children with.

Could it be I am braking that code of only being friends with members only? I cant live like that. During al this we have contemplated giving up if it was not for the temple recommends we hold so dear. Oh by the way before you ask the bishop is our home teacher. If he show up again I think I would give him a blast. He stopped coming months ago. If I had visiting teachers I never might them. The sisters I visit teach are all inactive and border on excommunication. I am frustrated and feel like I am being dangled off a cliff with the advisory rubbing his hands waiting for me to fall.

The odd thing is that the membership at the bishops warehouse and those who sever at the temple know us and recognize us when we show up to leaned a hand or do temple work. Some days we go to the Temple and just ask were do you need us? We done temple file work all day. We go home exhausted but high. Then come Sunday we get “Oh were have you been? We thought you went inactive”.

So what is the answer? Do any of you know?

[Palerider]

Sorry that you had to go thru all of that Winnie.......I recently attended the Ward my daughter and son in law go to in Kansas. I found it odd that the first Sunday I was there no one said a word to me, no intro, nothing. Two weeks later I went back to help bless my grandaughter. While in the circle the Stake President was there and the Bishopric. I was in the circle and my son and the Father of my son in law. Again, nothing, not one word....no one questioned me as to whether or not we could stand in a circle or anything.

I guess my point to all of this is.....I hope we are not like this in our own Wards....I hope we smile and say hello to people who are there visiting....I hope we offer some hope to those who are hurting.

[WANDERER]

So sorry. Nope not really...

"Everyone colours it pink" ...my heart just went out to you when you said that. We're so busy trying to *cure* cancer that grief is left to the wayside in all of that. My sincere condolences.

I hope that things will get better within your church.

For fun, when people say, "I thought you'd gone inactive." Try, "Me too!" (pause, read their faces, it's fun)."Glad to see you're still here. I'd really miss you if you left." Hug everyone in the vicinity dramatically. : )

Edited September 20, 2008 by WANDERER

[Winnie G]

I guess this would not be such a big deal if we had just arrived there, but we been in this ward a year +

[WANDERER]

It is a big deal. It HURTS. In many places where there is a big turnover of people or hardly any turnover of people they don't have huge skills for coping with that. While I'm joking, it's also good modelling ; )

[Tough Grits]

I am sorry for your losses.

I belong to a nutty ward too. This is a VERY small, southern, backwoods ward, where tradition and "doing it the way it's always been done" is sacred.

I don't think there is any real answer or fix. I go to church on Sunday for me. I go to partake of the sacrament, listen to talks, and listen to and participate in my lessons.

I don't have a Visiting Teacher either. There have only been brief periods during my 10-year membership in which a sister has actually visited me.

We do have faithful Home Teachers right now. This is the first time in 10 years that I have had a Home Teacher come to my home.

During my break-down and 3-year depression there was only a VERY small handful of people who reached out.

I just had to let it go. I have had to let alot go. My resentment was killing me.

One thing that has always remained constant and never faded, was my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. That one thing, more than anything else, kept me going.

Aside from my Eternal Father who has been here for me through it all, there have been a small handful of true and faithful friends and loved ones who stood by me and poured their hearts and their love out to me.

Would my true friends and family members who supported me through my depression have shined as brightly to me, were it not for the many who did not care or rejected me out-right?

My heart did suffer greatly throughout those hard three years, for many reasons, but it truly made me appreciate the ones who I now know to be true family and true friends.

Even if there are only small rays of sunshine in your life, cling to those rays rather than focusing on the darkness. In time, you will see seemingly small rays of sunshine magnify and expand, until the darkness around you is overwhelmed by the light that you choose to bask in.

I have to learn this too.

C.S. Lewis once said, "We need to be reminded more often than we need to be instructed."

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

~TG

[lilered]

Reading your story makes me very sad and this is why? As a Priesthood Holder, we know that part of our responsiblities is to help and serve others. We are to mourn with those who mourn, visit the sick and afflicted, help the poor and needy etc. The same is true with those Releif Society Sisters. We are all assigned Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers who at the very least should contact those asigned Families in the Ward Family at least once a month. It would appear that their was a breakdown in the Priestood Brethren, the Relief Society Sisters, in general and those assigned to your family, including your Ward Bishopric (if they knew). Your story points out the importance of of all members to love and care for each other and be there in our times of need.

As to why this happened, there are a number of possible reasons but none would suffice and mend your hurt feelings . So let me tell you how sorry to hear of your loss and hope you will forgive all concerned. Hopefully, you able to move on and I would suggest you may want to discuss this with the Relief Society President or Bishop if you feel comfortable in doing so. They need to hear it so they can hopefully take the appropriate action to prevent it happening at some future date to someone else.

[Nibowaka]

Winnie,

I too live in a ward where people may, or may not, smile in my face during services, but then leave me alone in my misery to suffer alone. No visits. Even though I was told by the Bishop that I do have a home teacher. Nobody seems to care that I hurt every day.

My son is inactive. Do you think anyone from his ward gives a hoot? Obviously not. No one calls or visits. He is shunned.

I am ex-communicated, and it is hard for me to keep trying to live right. I need support, but I get very little.

And I am tired of having people say, "People may not be perfect, but the Church is." Seems to me that the Church is, in large part at least, the people.

[Guest SisterofJared]

(((((Winnie)))))

What a year you've just survived! It stinks that you have not had the support from fellow members in your ward. I understand just a bit because we have not had much fellowship from our own ward. Now we have had good visiting and home teachers. And when we meet people in the hallways on Sunday, they always greet us with a smile. But fellowship-- the friendship type, is non-existent. Once I talked with a few people about having an empty-nester's FHE, and everyone thought it sounded great. So I worked hard to be ready for the first FHE, and called all the members of the ward who didn't have children to hold FHE with, and invited them... got good response, promises to come.... but when Monday rolled around, no one showed up. I was devastated, it felt like a personal rejection. Another time I held a New Years party, and invited quite a few members of the ward. Two came. They never reciprocated in any way. It was like they didn't have anything better that night, so they would come, but couldn't be bothered with us any other time. They appeared to have a good time at the party. But no friendship followed whatsoever. No attempts at friendship even. This happened before the FHE, and it had the effect of making the FHE rejection even sharper.

I have become less active in the ward than at any time in my life. The joy of fellowship is missing. I feel 100% that if I were to never come again, it would be no loss to anyone in my ward. Some wouldn't even notice, but none would care. I have no friends there.

Like ToughGrits, I have a testimony. So somehow in the midst of this I have to learn to change ME... I would not want to fall away from the church because of it. I want the blessings that come from taking the sacrament each week. And if I allow feelings to keep me home each week, feeling alienated and discouraged, then I won't be taking the sacrament, and I won't be hearing the talks and receiving the teaching of the spirit when I attend classes. So I have to just get over it. Try again. Find a way to make the rejection feel less personal.

I like the idea that was mentioned of just telling people, "me, too" and giving them a big hug. Becoming vivacious and friendly, kill-em-with kindness would probably make quite an impression. The problem is, it's not me. I'm the quite smile and greet type. Maybe somehow learning to be interested in people more.... if you make people feel good about themselves, they will remember you. Not a bad plan.

Sometimes you want to be fellowshipped and liked just the way you are.

Sister of Jared

[Winnie G]

I want to thank all of you for your input, it means a lot.

Again this morning the alarm went off and we did not attend church. this of course was fallowed by guilt then just anger.

I did how ever think of my father in heaven all day speaking to him in my hart.

what will happen next Sunday I do not know.

[purplefly4]

I've attended a unit where it's like if you caught on fire they would scoot over because they were getting hot! Then I've been to units where the members told me I could come live with them! I was in the Church more tan a year before I had a regular home teacher or visiting teacher. Almost two before I received my calling. A friend and I make an effort to visit other units when possible. We work a lot with them missionaries on teaching and stuff 'cause they are easier to talk with and socialize with. In my case, I've just had to remember the reasons for which I joined the Church. My friends and I do regular (ish) scrpture study. My friend invites herself to events if they don't invite her. I do sometimes. Lately they been better about including everyone. I go to each meeting determined to feel the Spirit regardless of the social atmosphere. I also make a point to say hi to at least one person if they like it or not. A few ppl have been key in helping me feel welcome; the senior msiionaries in particular. I will have an adjustment phase when they leave; but I will stay! I signed up to do the Lord's will and the ppl at Church are gonna help me and I help them or they gonna be annoyed 'cause I not sitting around while stuff could run smoother. It can be hard to find someone to start working with' but I have found the Relief Society is a good place to start. In bigger Wards too, sometimes ppl are so busy they think someone else has said hi already. I would make a point to be known. Say hi to someone new each week, show up to events with something unique ppl will remember. (My purple eggplant jell-o did it.) Show up at someone's house randomly and tell them yu in the neighborhood and just wanted to stop by. Church is so.much like life because you get out of it what you put in. Hope you can use an idea or two here. I'm crazy so plz take that into account.

[Misshalfway]

Hello Winnie G.

I have thought so very much about this subject. My situation has been similar. My suffering and the events of my life have been difficult and sometimes beyond my capabilities and as I have reached out to the church....plead privately for priesthood support.n. Not one individual has reached out to me. I have been less active for the better part of two years. And my heart has wondered if the love of the Saints was growing cold.

I am now emerging from my struggles....and moving to a place of inner peace. It has been a lonely journey. But as I look back, I see meaning in the painful parts. I don't think I will every look at my role as VTer the same again. I don't think I will view HTing the same either. I have learned so much about suffering and why we sometimes must bear it....and bear it alone.

The Savior was able to succor his people because he had suffered so deeply and so universally. And sometimes I think he allows us to suffer so that we might develop certain capabilities as well.

It is easy to become resentful, isn't it? Especially when we have such high expectations and hopes for how our "friends" at church will treat us. But that isn't the gospel. I haven't, as TG was able, let go of all of my hurt feelings. It will be a long time before I can trust priesthood again. But I am looking to the Savior to teach me how to receive all these events of my life with gratitude and perspective and love for those who couldn't give what I so desperately needed them to give.

May your heart be comforted, Winnie G. Your losses aren't really losses. Because of the Savior, all wounds will be healed and life will resume again on the other side. Be joyful! Even as the tears stream down your face. And may we all be better friends to one another.

[BenRaines]

Winnie G, I am sorry to hear how you feel and how you find the people in your new ward.

We moved over 750 miles to a new city that I had only visited three weeks before. Did not know a soul in the city or even the state. We moved everything with family and friends, did not call on the church or the Elder's Quorum to come and move our stuff.

When we went to church the first Sunday we wondered why it was taking so long to get in to the chapel. There at the doors was an elderly couple greeting everyone as they entered. They were asking people how they were doing, etc. Talking to the kids and all.

We sat in the second row from the front. As we sat there on the first Sunday of the month the chapel filled up. Before the meeting started both counselors came by to introduce themselves. I don't know how they knew we were new there since there was a baby being blessed and there were lots of visitors but they did.

Of course we were introduced in Sunday School and again in Priesthood and Relief Society. We actively participated in each class we attended as well.

Later in the week one of our neighbors came over and introduced herself. She lives two houses down. Said she had met my wife in RS and wanted to say hi. Later in the week as my wife was walking the dog the elderly man who had greeted us at church said hi and called her by name as he walked by.

Our second Sunday in church there was a special meeting the third hour at the Stake level for all High Priests in the stake. As I sat there waiting for it to start a man came up and said hi. I visited with him just a bit and then he went and took his seat up front. It was the Stake President.

After one week in the ward our records were read in. They were transferred in a week.

I share this not to make light of anyones challenges in wards where this is an issue. I share this to show that this is not the case in the church in all places.

I have lived in 13 wards and branches in my lifetime and never found it to be that way where I have been.

I have heard from friends who visit other wards having had a bad experience but never had one myself.

Ben Raines

[Misshalfway]

Winnie G, I am sorry to hear how you feel and how you find the people in your new ward.

We moved over 750 miles to a new city that I had only visited three weeks before. Did not know a soul in the city or even the state. We moved everything with family and friends, did not call on the church or the Elder's Quorum to come and move our stuff.

When we went to church the first Sunday we wondered why it was taking so long to get in to the chapel. There at the doors was an elderly couple greeting everyone as they entered. They were asking people how they were doing, etc. Talking to the kids and all.

We sat in the second row from the front. As we sat there on the first Sunday of the month the chapel filled up. Before the meeting started both counselors came by to introduce themselves. I don't know how they knew we were new there since there was a baby being blessed and there were lots of visitors but they did.

Of course we were introduced in Sunday School and again in Priesthood and Relief Society. We actively participated in each class we attended as well.

Later in the week one of our neighbors came over and introduced herself. She lives two houses down. Said she had met my wife in RS and wanted to say hi. Later in the week as my wife was walking the dog the elderly man who had greeted us at church said hi and called her by name as he walked by.

Our second Sunday in church there was a special meeting the third hour at the Stake level for all High Priests in the stake. As I sat there waiting for it to start a man came up and said hi. I visited with him just a bit and then he went and took his seat up front. It was the Stake President.

After one week in the ward our records were read in. They were transferred in a week.

I share this not to make light of anyones challenges in wards where this is an issue. I share this to show that this is not the case in the church in all places.

I have lived in 13 wards and branches in my lifetime and never found it to be that way where I have been.

I have heard from friends who visit other wards having had a bad experience but never had one myself.

Ben Raines

I am glad that you have had good experiences. But I think it is easy to make introductions. It is something else altogether to reach out to someone in compassion and discern thru the Spirit the needs of the individual.

[georgia2]

.

One thing we have to remember is that we are in the last days! WE will be and are facing challenges and adversity everywhere, even in our own ward buildings! Many of us will fall away if we do not do those things that will keep us strong. Those things that will increase our testimony. Among those things is clinging to the Master! He knows how we feel and what we are going through. Remember what He faced when he was taken by the soldiers. Even Peter denied Him! No one wanted to be His friend at that time! How alone Christ was, how his feelings must have ached as His deciples and friends denied Him! I am no where near that alone! But one thing is for sure, He understands and loves us!

Don't let the coldness of others deter your determination of enduring to the end! Who knows what those that we feel are hurting us are going through themselves! I am the only one I have control over. I choose to reach out to those who need me. I choose to reach out to Him when I need someone.

Edited February 25, 2009 by georgia2

[BenRaines]

So true georgia. We only control our own actions, not the actions of others. I know what is expected of me.

When we moved to a small island in the Caribbean I was called to be Branch President. This place was much like you describe in your small country town. They had their way of doing things. When we arrived with 30 years of experience in the church and knew what it meant to follow the manual and be guided by the spirit changes were made. There was a push back by some members who said "That is not the way we do it here". Well guess what, that is the way the Lord instructed it to be done. A few left with hurt feelings, we continued to reach out to them and they have made it back after I left.

My goal is to have the Lord pleased with my actions here upon the earth. If I am doing what I believe pleases the Lord then I will be answerable to those actions. If I do what pleases me that is a different story.

Ben Raines