Do I or don't I?

[RainofGold]

Many years ago when I was contemplating divorce because I didn't think I was happy, my friend gave really good advice.

I had to small children and was not working outside the home. She asked if I thought that I would be able to find the "perfect" guy out there and that if I thought of the problems that divorce would bring. I really didn't. I hadn't thought that I would have to share custody of our children, that he would eventually get married again and my kids would have a step-mom. That I would probably have to work full time to support my kids and myself. I had no idea of all the problems that leaving my husband would bring, on top of the emotional pain that my children would have to endure.

Well that was a long time ago, I have being married for almost twenty years and even though in hasn't being a walk in the park I am very happy and my children are happy , I have no regrets and I am thank full for the advice that my friend gave me. I hope your friend prays and makes the right decision for herself.

Rain

[HoosierGuy]

Wow that was a little over the top but ummm..okay. Physical attraction does play a part in marriage.

Sorry. I was in a rush and wrote that really really fast. Didn't mean to be too forward. But, all my life I thought that true Saints/Christians are not suppose to judge people by how they look. I'm wondering - if people in the U.S. based their marriage more on inside beauty over outside beauty, the divorce race might be a lot lower. Still in a rush!

[Hemidakota]

Many years ago when I was contemplating divorce because I didn't think I was happy, my friend gave really good advice.

I had to small children and was not working outside the home. She asked if I thought that I would be able to find the "perfect" guy out there and that if I thought of the problems that divorce would bring. I really didn't. I hadn't thought that I would have to share custody of our children, that he would eventually get married again and my kids would have a step-mom. That I would probably have to work full time to support my kids and myself. I had no idea of all the problems that leaving my husband would bring, on top of the emotional pain that my children would have to endure.

Well that was a long time ago, I have being married for almost twenty years and even though in hasn't being a walk in the park I am very happy and my children are happy , I have no regrets and I am thank full for the advice that my friend gave me. I hope your friend prays and makes the right decision for herself.

Rain

Thanks for sharing your story. It does resound my own life also, now in our 27th year of marriage and the candle grows brighter every passing day - being madly in love again.

[Kirajo]

So, after reading all of the replies I've noticed one main thing in common. " Figure out how to make yourself happy and stay in the marriage." While that's really nice and all, it's easier said than done and most of you have probably never been in this situation so it's entirely too easy for you to point and say " do this. duh."

One thing I will say is that the friend of yours would have a better time coming up with a solution by asking Heavenly Father and not everyone elses advice. Mainly because she's hoping that when she asks someone for advice she's hoping they will say " leave him and everything will be okay and you'll be happy." Something that we all know most people are not going to tell her which will upset her even more and make her feel even more alone. So the biggest step she'll have to take is turning soley to Heavenly Father. Fasting, praying, serious scripture study, and perhaps if her husband knows how serious she is about leaving, he'll step up his game ( you said things werent improvingn after counseling.), and if he doesn't feel it's important enough to work on, then that's another step in some direction, whichever direction that is. :)

[BenRaines]

Even a Bishop will not or should not tell someone to get divorced. This is a personal decision.

Ben Raines

[Nappaljarri]

So, after reading all of the replies I've noticed one main thing in common. " Figure out how to make yourself happy and stay in the marriage." While that's really nice and all, it's easier said than done and most of you have probably never been in this situation so it's entirely too easy for you to point and say " do this. duh."

Kirajo, are you married. I can 100% without a doubt tell you that everyone who is on this forum who is married has had this experience. It may not be that they have contemplated divorce. But I can promise you that each couple will and must go through teething stages where they move from a "me" mentality" where you have to be in control of only yourself and what you choose to a "we" mentality" where your choices affect your most loved one deeply... and then onto a "them" mentality where hopefully the "we" has been fixed up because:cool::cool::)

[Kirajo]

Haha, yes I am married. I figure every couple goes through their "times" and what not, I was implying that this situation was a little different than just those that get annoyed and angry and pissed off at their spouse. Thanks though

[Hemidakota]

Sometimes my wife and I want to kill each other ....true love.......and sometimes 20 years of being together feels like eternity. Any regrets?? Nope. Looking forward to an interesting eternal relationship. I can't wait till I am perfected and have a 12 pack.....instead of a six pack:lol: .........not beer......

I agree. At times couples will approach each with daggers but in the end, still have that eternal affinity with each other.

[terryk]

hi, as one who went through a divorce, I can tell you that it is so much better when you are married. and yes as someone pointed out she may be going through depression, she may need to get some medical help with that, Depression can make you feel as if there was nothing there in a relationship, but when you look into it, there may be something there. marraige does take work from both paries, it is not always a bed of roses, but is worth it, and so much better then the feeling of being divorced. she may also need to write down why she married him, and think of those feelings from back then, because I am sure there were feelings whe nthey got married in the first place. Divorce can happen, its sad but it does, and it usually does not bring happiness, more often brings sorrow and despair over the deathof the marriage. remember the scene from Fidler on the roof, where Tevia asks his wife if she loves him, she kinda balks at it, and avoids it, but then realizes that with al lthey went through she does, sometimes we are like that, we don't see it until we really look for it and try to exhibit it. If you asct as if you love someone, you will love them more easily then trying to love them.

[justme78]

I apologize if I'm repeating something that someone else might have said. I haven't read all of the replies. My advice to your friend? Find ways to serve her husband. It is nearly impossible to not love someone that you are serving (as long as you're not doing it with a chip on your shoulder, hehe). I'm one of those people who firmly believe that any 2 people who have similar values can make a marriage work if they are both willing to try. Look at all of the arranged marriages in the world. Their divorce rate is 0% - 7% vs. the 55% in the world. (Ok, I got that off of Wikipedia...so take it with a grain of salt...lol).

It reminds me of the movie "The Wedding Planner". In case you haven't seen it, Mary is played by Jennifer Lopez, and Salvatore is her dad. Salvatore tells Mary that his marriage to her deceased mother was arranged, to the extent that he first met her on the day they were married. He explains that while he eventually grew to love his wife, he first came to appreciate her as she cared for him through illness and hard times. Later he grew to respect her and following that he liked her. Over time, like grew into love.

As far as the attraction goes...I understand that attraction plays an important role...but how far do you take it?? When we're all old and gray...we'll all be a combination of wrinkly, saggy, fat, scarred, crippled...does that mean that once everyone reaches that point it's ok to divorce? This is something that I've actually recently gained a greater respect for with my fiance. Over the last year and a half, I've lost 170 lbs. He loved me even before that. Now...my arms are saggy, my boobs are saggy, my legs are saggy, my tummy is all saggy, etc. I'm never going to be able to afford plastic surgery. I almost feel less attractive now than when I weighed 325 lbs. I get the "Hey, when we're old...this is what happens anyway. I just get the opportunity to show you that I'm not going anywhere. It all makes up YOU." He is always making me allow him to rub my belly, or play with my "bat wings", etc to help me get used to it and get past the self-consciousness. You choose who you are attracted to (to an extent, of course). There must have been *something* at some point to attract your friend enough for marriage. She owes it to him to try to find that again. Even if it wasn't physical...there was *something* about him that got her to say yes, and make all of the plans and kneel across that alter from him. I would encourage her to find it. I have a friend who married a 15 year old when he was 19 to help rescue her from her abusive family. Even if the ONLY reason she married him was to be "rescued" from something...why did she trust him to? What was it?

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble so much. I just think that simple service is often overlooked, and it is the *greatest* way to gain love and respect for someone :-)

[RachelleDrew]

I have to say that I agree with others that the problem more than likely lies within the wife in this situation. I think that "love" is extremely glamorized and we often aren't aware of love unless it's like something in a trashy romance novel with Fabio on the cover.

Someone else mentioned that a temple marriage does not always equal salvation. This could not be more true.

Just to play devil's advocate here, is the husband happy in the marriage? I believe that his feelings count too, and he certainly deserves a wife that loves him and WANTS to be married to him.

On another note, I am like many others here who are curious as to why she ever dated/married a guy who she wasn't attracted to at all even from the beginning. Sure, physical attractiveness is quite overrated in a lot of ways, but you can still be physically attracted to someone even if they aren't what you considered a "hottie" or whatever. I've dated several men in the past who while they weren't my ideal physically, once I got to know them and care about them they became quite attractive to me. i find it hard to believe that you can be in love with someone, but never be attracted to them as i've found that if they weren't attractive before, you'll certainly think they are once you fall in love with them. Seriously, you would think that my husband was Brad Pitt the way I go on about his looks. : D