Troubled Nephew

[kathysmike]

My wife’s 22 year old nephew, who has never been able to hold a job, has asked if he could spend the night at our home. Now David has spent the last 3 years living on the other side of the state. He lived with his grandfather, for awhile he stayed at their place while they went to Arizona for the winter. He trashed his living area. Was sleeping in their bed. Not working.

He spent the last 3 months sleeping in a dumpster; his mom brought him home a couple of weeks ago, bad situation between David and stepfather.

Now he is asking to sleep at our place. We have banned any alcohol or illegal drug use in our home. However I know he drinks, and more than likely uses drugs.

I want to tell him no, but am faced with causing my wife who is trying to help David hurt feelings. He plans on going out with friends tonight.

Any ideas?

[Islander]

My wife’s 22 year old nephew, who has never been able to hold a job, has asked if he could spend the night at our home. Now David has spent the last 3 years living on the other side of the state. He lived with his grandfather, for awhile he stayed at their place while they went to Arizona for the winter. He trashed his living area. Was sleeping in their bed. Not working.

He spent the last 3 months sleeping in a dumpster; his mom brought him home a couple of weeks ago, bad situation between David and stepfather.

Now he is asking to sleep at our place. We have banned any alcohol or illegal drug use in our home. However I know he drinks, and more than likely uses drugs.

I want to tell him no, but am faced with causing my wife who is trying to help David hurt feelings. He plans on going out with friends tonight.

Any ideas?

It is quite sad and even frustrating when family members struggle with addictions or even mental illness. However, we must not become willing participants/enablers by providing support or accommodation when the person refuses to take responsibility for his/her actions. He is a grown man and if he needs/wants help you should support his mother's efforts to secure such but do not become part of his dysfunctional dynamics. He has proven to be incapable of honoring and keeping the trust thus far extended by family members. You should expect similar outcomes based on recent behavior. I understand how difficult it is to set limits in this case but if he did not respect his own mother's home, your hope that he will do better at your house is naive in that regard.

[rameumptom]

Make a contract with him, specifying your rules. If he wants to live under your roof, he will follow your rules. Have him sign it and abide by it. Make sure it has curfew, his responsibilities around the house, including keeping his room clean, etc. Let him also know that at the 3 month mark, he will be expected to have a legal job and paying rent/groceries.

Any breaking of the rules means he's either out of the house, or he has to do X hours of family/community service to pay it off.

[NeuroTypical]

I want to tell him no, but am faced with causing my wife who is trying to help David hurt feelings.

If you and your wife can't come to an agreement about what "helps" him and what doesn't, you should probably not do this.

LM

[StrawberryFields]

I was going to say make a contract with him but it was just said lol

I would also like to tell you to educate yourself on what drug abuse "looks like" and "acts like". In that same contract I would encourage it to be an agreement that you can take him to the clinic to be drug tested at any time and if he doesn't comply he is out.

So many problems come with drug abuse and you will need clear cut rules from the beginning.

I wish you the best.

[mightynancy]

If he's a drug user, and you let him into your home, secure anything you can't bear to see gone. Seriously.

I'd only let him in if your home is a lot like rehab - constant monitoring and support in making the right decisions.

[NeuroTypical]

dlme

[Hemidakota]

My wife’s 22 year old nephew, who has never been able to hold a job, has asked if he could spend the night at our home. Now David has spent the last 3 years living on the other side of the state. He lived with his grandfather, for awhile he stayed at their place while they went to Arizona for the winter. He trashed his living area. Was sleeping in their bed. Not working.

He spent the last 3 months sleeping in a dumpster; his mom brought him home a couple of weeks ago, bad situation between David and stepfather.

Now he is asking to sleep at our place. We have banned any alcohol or illegal drug use in our home. However I know he drinks, and more than likely uses drugs.

I want to tell him no, but am faced with causing my wife who is trying to help David hurt feelings. He plans on going out with friends tonight.

Any ideas?

Mike, are you willing to help him through his addition at any cost and may loose your own family? I concur with Nancy, he needs 100-percent supervision while under going medical treatment.

It is a tough situation in seeking to help him but facing his own choices of life, this maybe a bad move in allowing him into your home. In the end, I would listen to the Spirit in seeking that answer together with your beloved wife.

[kathysmike]

Thanks for every ones support, as things stand today he is going to stay at his mother's. He was suppose to be here this morning to help me with the yard, his mom called and said she bring him by this afternoon but he was feeling under the weather.

He spent the day on thursday here with my wife, they walked to the market about 3 miles round trip, he was a big help to her in pushing her chair, and carrying the bags home. After talking with my wife I do not feel he has started using drugs...yet. By her description of his behavoir. I have worked with many addicted men, I know rthey will lie to thier own mother to get a "fix".

Once again thanks to every one for your replies.

Mike

[Guest Alana]

Make house rules and enforce them and MAKE HIM PAY RENT. Though I would just say no. If his lifestyle doesn't fit you standards, he doesn't need to be under your roof.

Sounds like by helping him, you could be hurting him by enabling him to bum around his whole life. In reality, if has a job, within a month he should be able to afford a room to rent (elsewhere.)

[skylercollins]

My wife’s 22 year old nephew, who has never been able to hold a job, has asked if he could spend the night at our home. Now David has spent the last 3 years living on the other side of the state. He lived with his grandfather, for awhile he stayed at their place while they went to Arizona for the winter. He trashed his living area. Was sleeping in their bed. Not working.

He spent the last 3 months sleeping in a dumpster; his mom brought him home a couple of weeks ago, bad situation between David and stepfather.

Now he is asking to sleep at our place. We have banned any alcohol or illegal drug use in our home. However I know he drinks, and more than likely uses drugs.

I want to tell him no, but am faced with causing my wife who is trying to help David hurt feelings. He plans on going out with friends tonight.

Any ideas?

I believe it's worth the try to help him. But before you do, I would write-up a contract specifying rules and the obligations (and consequences for breaking the rules) of each party and help him understand it. Tell him you've done this so that both parties will understand what's expected of each other and the consequences of deviating from the specified rules. And they must be enforced! The most important part of the whole thing is having him sign it and commit to it. But you must start this ordeal with a commitment like this or it will quickly go south. Good luck!