Infidelity resulting in pregnancy

[qtpie09]

Food for thought....

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us" Ralph Waldo Emerson

[MichaelPAGuy]

Sometimes after taking care of other's and sacrificing alot and not receiving anything in return, I feel we have to put ourselves first for a bit. I know that may sound a bit selfish, I believe it to be true. We can only offer the olive branch for so long before we must rescind it.

[Tarnished]

I have read through all of this and my heart is breaking for you. As Faded and I are going through similar things it really hits home for me. The difficult thing is what to do in a situation like this. In our situation I realized that I needed to change, I could see the ways I had changed as a person and I didn't like what I saw. It was my decision to tell Faded and to move forward towards repentance and back towards God no matter what happened after I told Faded. Thankfully he chose to stay with me and we are moving forward together and I have to say our marriage feels like it is finally getting better.

Would this be the same case for your marriage? I can't really say. Truthfully it really depends on your husband. A person really only changes when they want to, so if he is finally ready to change then there is a chance that things will improve. However like LolaBella said you really need to be firm with him and give him rules. It makes moving forward have guidelines. If however he is not responsive to changing then as most everyone else has said you should definitely get out of the relationship. If I was unwilling to change then I would expect Faded to have left me, it would not be fair to him otherwise.

Your situation sounds very much like ours, our marriage was having severe issues. We had infertility problems for all 8 years of our marriage and our physical life together was beginning to feel like we were roommates or siblings. We could both see our marriage was having problems. As awful as what happened was it actually caused both of us to begin to fight to bring our marriage back to what it should be, to what it should have been in the first place.

In regards to your own marriage, if he is not at this point desperately interested in reconstructing your marriage as how it should be then it might be a good sign that he really does not plan on changing in the ways you need to keep your marriage together.

We will keep you in our prayers, we already had a lengthy discussion about your situation on our nightly walk today. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[AngelLynn]

Hey I am all for Opps, I messed up and due to our problems I was unfaithful, please forgive me and let me earn your trust again. I am not all for, "Hey I got this girl pregnant and I need to be there to be a dad for the baby but I sure like coming over to your place as my best friend. Best friends are for husbands and wives who are faithful to each other.

I have been married to my wife for 33 years. I have no other women who are my "best friends" other than my wife. I have lots of guy friends who are best friends and they have wives but as I have said in other posts we are never alone. If my friend is not there I don't go there. Not right, not proper.

If I don't allow myself to be alone with another woman, other than my wife, there can be no infidelity.

Ben Raines

I remember as a girl growing up that when ever there was a situation where my father was alone with another woman that my father would either take me or my mom with him, for the sake of being proper.

He knew that their would also be no accusations of infidelity either if one of us was with him.

I have no experience with this situation the factor of being married and having someone being unfaithful, as I am a single adult. But I do have the exerperience of my mother and my father in my life. They have been married almost 40 years and have been friends, confidents, and other things as well. But my father worked hard to make sure no one could accuse him of being unfaithful or of infidelity.

Consequently I've also babysat for a friend on mine who is married. Her husband took me home and he was alone with me. I was very quiet the whole way home. I didn't feel comfortable being alone with him. Although he didn't show any sign of being unfaithful, it still made me nervous being alone with a married man and the husband of a best friend.

Edited January 18, 2009 by AngelLynn

[qtpie09]

<<MichaelPAGuy>> Amen to that!

<<Tarnished>> Your situation gives me hope. As I go along in this, I am realizing more and more that it is okay to ask my husband to make changes and for us to set guidelines. I deserve that...and he needs that. Recently we had a bit of an emotional conversation. It was hard, but I stood up for myself and I did set down some guidelines. I have been afraid to do that up until this point because I felt it would push him away. I was suprised to see that it actually brought us closer. We're no where near where you two are in the reconcilation process, but I do believe there is hope. I just pray everynight that my husband will have that desire to change and to exert the effort it is going to take to get our marriage to what it should be. Prayers to you also!!!!

<<AngelLynn>>It just goes to show that when we follow the teachings of our prophets, we are blessed. When we don't, that's when drama happens. My mother-in-law always says "If you think it's hard living the gospel, just try living life without it"

[Faded]

<<Tarnished>> Your situation gives me hope. As I go along in this, I am realizing more and more that it is okay to ask my husband to make changes and for us to set guidelines. I deserve that...and he needs that. Recently we had a bit of an emotional conversation. It was hard, but I stood up for myself and I did set down some guidelines. I have been afraid to do that up until this point because I felt it would push him away. I was surprised to see that it actually brought us closer. We're no where near where you two are in the reconciliation process, but I do believe there is hope. I just pray every night that my husband will have that desire to change and to exert the effort it is going to take to get our marriage to what it should be. Prayers to you also!!!!

Very sorry to hear your story. Breaks my heart to hear about these sorts of things. Quite the mess your husband has made of things too. Is he willing to get his butt back to Church? What's he doing to make you feel secure and safe about the marriage? What is he willing to do better?

Okay, how about another "guy" perspective. Glad to hear that you're sticking up for yourself and setting down some ground rules. The underlying thing is that every marriage needs some anyways. In the case of unfaithfulness? You'd be crazy not to insist on changes. It's pretty simple really.

A.) The current status of the marriage allowed an affair and abandonment of the marriage to happen to begin with.

B.) You're spouse apparently wants to piece things back together.

C.) Taking him back without conditions will only leave the door wide open for him to cheat again and for it to all happen again. It will also make it easier to for him to cheat again.

D.) He needs you to give him a pathway for regaining your trust. Without it, he had no game plan and will flounder without direction. That probably leads to flitting back and forth from you to the pregnant girlfriend or something else altogether. He's not showing you much stability on his own, so you have to create some.

I'm not sure what the current status of things are. The guy doesn't deserve a second/third/fourth (whichever it is now) chance from the sound of things. I think he should know that. I think he she be made very aware that you're going way above and beyond what anyone could possibly expect of you. You're actually giving him a chance. He needs to really, really come to appreciate that fact.

If the marriage is to be saved, then your circumstances call for a lifetime of caution. The other woman has his child and he can't abandon that responsibility. That much is obvious. But he has not earned the right to be trusted around her either. One thing is clear, he can't be alone with her. You'd need to be there each and every time, or some other arrangement might have to be made. Him being alone with her was what got your marriage into this trouble to begin with obviously. Ordinarily, the best course for the adulterous spouse is to sever all contact with the person they were cheating with. Since that's not an option in your case, you'll need to substitute something else in it's place.

I hope this post finds you in better sorts. Please do keep us updated.

[Islander]

Quite interesting. I have followed the the posts and it seems that the ladies are trading home remedies and war/survival stories, of sorts. I say this just as an observation. I am guessing the nature of the exchange is to provide support rather than intervention.

A friend whom a few years ago went thru a similar issue (her husband's infidelity) described the pain as a "10 out of 10" if she had to equate it to physical pain. If we would be experiencing such excruciating pain from a physical illness we would be in the ER seeking treatment most urgently from a professional. I understand that the Savior is the physician to the soul but we still MUST truly, understand the root cause of the "illness" or risk getting "sick" again in the future or even not truly, really healing. These are deep rooted, delicate and very complex issues. Being aware of the pain and what happened does not inply insight of the underlying cause of the situation. Without some more or less difficult, somewhat long and expensive professional intervention most marriages that go thru infidelity just "limp" along". Most eventually trip and fall to their grave. For us in the Church the odds are better but we should not bet on it.

Edited January 20, 2009 by Islander

[qtpie09]

<<Islander>> Thank you for your insight. And I agree with your friend...however, I might say that the pain of all this is probably a 15 out of 10. The emotional drain turns into physical fatigue, which turns into depression, etc...the snowball keeps getting bigger and bigger. Like you said, "These are deep rooted, delicate and very complex issues"...WELL, that's just putting it lightly. At least I am starting to take care of myself. I think anyone going through this type of situation goes through a sort of "out of body" experience. It's like there is no way you can actually be living the life you are living, yet there you are. It takes time to "snap" out of it. My husband is going to councelling which is a step in the right direction for him. I having been going to councelling too, but it's hard because of course she is telling me to get out of this situation. I am looking into another councelor because I feel it's their job to give me guidance and insight on the psychology of this situation, not tell me what to do. (I'm kinda stubborn) Eventually, I hope my husband will agree to couples councelling and he knows that he needs to go see the bishop soon...he actually admitted that, which is something he hasn't mentioned through all of this. I have hope, but it is going to be a LONG process...it's worth it. I'm tired of "limping" along!!!!

[qtpie09]

<<Faded>> Very wise words indeed! As always! You make it sound so simple...which it really should be, but I feel like my situation is so complicated it's always like walking on eggshells. I told my husband today that I feel like I want to spend as much time with him because I never know when our last time together will be. Right now, I live everyday in constant anxiety that I will say something to push him away or that I will "demand" something and he will be gone forever. I know he should be the one making all the efforts, but I also realize that he has obligations to take care of this child that is on the way and he is honestly confused. He said he was emotionally ready for me to leave him when he told me about the affair...he wasn't ready for me to stay and tell him I wanted to work things out. It probably would have been easier on all of us if I had.

So, we're spending the next two days off together. Every time we're together we're getting more and more comfortable being around each other and we are starting to actually talk instead of just "exist" in the same room together. You have to remember, we've been seperated since Memorial Day of last year...and prior to that, our relationship was on the rocks for several years. It's been so long since we've had a relationship. I know it's still there, I can feel it...we just have to rekindle it. Ugh...who knew marriage was so much work!!!!!

[Islander]

<<Islander>> Thank you for your insight. And I agree with your friend...however, I might say that the pain of all this is probably a 15 out of 10. The emotional drain turns into physical fatigue, which turns into depression, etc...the snowball keeps getting bigger and bigger. Like you said, "These are deep rooted, delicate and very complex issues"...WELL, that's just putting it lightly. At least I am starting to take care of myself. I think anyone going through this type of situation goes through a sort of "out of body" experience. It's like there is no way you can actually be living the life you are living, yet there you are. It takes time to "snap" out of it. My husband is going to councelling which is a step in the right direction for him. I having been going to councelling too, but it's hard because of course she is telling me to get out of this situation. I am looking into another councelor because I feel it's their job to give me guidance and insight on the psychology of this situation, not tell me what to do. (I'm kinda stubborn) Eventually, I hope my husband will agree to couples councelling and he knows that he needs to go see the bishop soon...he actually admitted that, which is something he hasn't mentioned through all of this. I have hope, but it is going to be a LONG process...it's worth it. I'm tired of "limping" along!!!!

I hope things start to get better soon for you QT. Is that an LDS counselor? You should stay away from secular counselors, I would suggest. Most are not worth the books they bough in graduate school. They should indeed help you develop insight into your emotions, the situation and the relationship, help you develop skills and coping mechanism to deal with all this turmoil and specially support. But most certainly not tell you what to do. That choice should be entirely and completely yours. Yeah, I would go asap looking for a second opinion on that.

My prayers are with you and I hope your faith and the hand of your Heavenly Father will provide the comforting that you so badly need.

[lestertheemt]

"**Quick backround** I have an infertility issue and have not been able to conceive--it's been devestating for me not to have children. It's all I have ever wanted....now this!"

Even though I can't understand all that you are going through.....I can and do understand infertility.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[qtpie09]

So here's a little update...I'm tired, but I wanted to just put this out there.

My husband and I had a great day together. We rarely get to spend quality time together, so we pretty much crammed everything you can think of doing into one day....shopping, bowling, went to a movie, went to dinner, rented some wii games, and even went to the grocery store. It was a whirlwind of a day, but I can see little changes in the way we interract.

One thing that did throw me off today...I had a panic attack. We were on the way over to my husband's parents house when it hit me. I didn't want to see his family (I haven't seen them since this all started)--mainly because I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and just plain humiliated. Eventhough my husband is the one who cheated, I feel like a fool for still being around. I feel like everyone is judging me. Anyway, I broke down and cried and again felt totally foolish. Most of my emotions came from the feeling that here I am going to spend time with my family...my in-laws...people who I had prepared myself to never see again based on our situation. It was hard. My mother in law just hugged my when I walked in the door and wouldn't let go. I quickly ran to the bathroom and sobbed. This whole mess has me feeling emotions that I never thought I would have to feel...and I sure haven't ever had a panic attack.

I am also dealing with so many other emotions about the situation. Last week I was furious with my husband. I asked that he not spend time with the other woman...and if he had to (because she is pregnant and he doesn't feel right not being around) then he couldn't be alone with her. He ignored me and did just the opposite. Tonight he said he is not going to spend any time alone with her (duh!)--but this is a step in the right direction. However he feels she needs to have some relationship with his grandmother (his grandmother raised my husband and is who he currently lives with) since his grandmother will more than likely be the mediator after the baby is born. So now he wants her to come over to his grandmother's house when they "spend time together" this Monday. I am a wreck!!!

I just feel like I am being replaced. Another woman is carrying my husband's child. Now she is wanting to have a "relationship" with my husband's grandmother (whom I am extremely close with). She bought a PS3 because she knows my husband is a gamer and is always asking him to come over. I just don't ever see this ending. She is always going to be in our lives and always fighting to have my husbands attention. My husband won't put his foot down because he feels responsible for his child and doesn't feel right leaving her alone pregnant.

So here are my thoughts. I would be doing everyone (include myself) a huge favor by just leaving. It would eliminate all the confusion for my husband. It would allow this child to not be confused in the future because he wouldn't have the issue of having a mom, a dad, and daddy's wife. I love my husband so much...or else I wouldn't be here. But I feel he is not putting a stop to this affair. If it's not going on physically, it sure is going on emotionally. Am I wrong to want my husband to just cut ties with her??? Then when the baby is born, we will deal with the child support and visitation arrangements??? This seems logical to me, but he acts as if that is insensitive to everyone involved. I am trying to see it from his point of view, but why does he feel he still has to be friends with her and still spend time with her??? He says it's because he cannot seperate her from his child. He wants to know where she is and wants to make sure she is safe because she is carrying his child. He says he also doesn't want to have her end up hating him and causing drama for the rest of our lives by leaving her alone completely, so he feels it's best if he at least still stays her friend. I just don't see how any of this benefits our marriage. If she is going to be this much a part of his life, then there is no need for me being around.

I guess it's been a bittersweet day....so many mixed emotions. Hope overshadowed with doubt and disappointment. Ah...the story of my life. I just wish someone could tell me how this will all end.

[sparky204]

Inappropriate content

Edited January 24, 2009 by BenRaines
inappropriate

[Faded]

qtpie, you don't deserve to be put through that. I'm feeling terrible for you. I'm wishing that someone would beat some sense into the man. The fact of the matter is, his new relationship is built upon lies and deception and it's going to take a lot more work than he thinks to make that relationship into an eternal one.

Your husband has to make a choice. You, the other woman or neither. If he can't be bothered to make a choice here, then you're only signing yourself up for unending pain and misery. And you did nothing to deserve that. He has to choose and stick with his choice. Strange as it may seem, the best chance you have is very likely to take a stand and not be moved. Poor qtpie, you don't deserve to be put through that. I'm feeling terrible for you. I'm wishing that someone would beat some sense into the man. The fact of the matter is, his new relationship is built upon lies and deception and it's going to take a lot more work than he thinks to make that relationship into a successful marriage that will last. And he has a wife who is willing to work past something this big and he's currently not even trying -- and he doesn't realize how much he doesn't deserve you.

Your husband has to make a choice. You, the other woman or neither. He can't have both. If he can't be bothered to make a choice here, then you need to find the strength within yourself to just let go. If not, you're only signing yourself up for unending pain and misery. And you did nothing to deserve that. He has to choose and stick with his choice.

If there is any reason to hope for your marriage, it starts with him standing up and being a man and making a choice. He either wants you or he doesn't. He can't have it both ways. If he can't be a man now or in the very near future, then he never will be. He may hook up with pregnant chick. That marriage will also fail if he can't grow up, that much I can promise you. You're first step here is for him to make the choice. "I don't know" = Not good enough to keep you. The thing that may surprise you is that this is likely the best chance you have. If he can make the choice and choose you, then you can begin the conversation of reconciling your marriage and setting up ground rules for rebuilding your marriage. If he chooses the other woman ... well that is a possibility that you'll have to prepare yourself for. Much, much easier said than done, I know that. I had to steel myself to be ready to leave if my wife refused to make the changes in her life that I needed her to make, but it was the right thing to do. I can only imagine how devastating it would have been if I’d had to go through with it, but I knew that I had to be prepared to do it. In truth, I knew I’d have to find that strength if and when I got there, but I know I’d have done it.

You have to be prepared for him to make any of those choices and you have to be emotionally ready to walk away if that's what he chooses. You also have to be emotionally ready to walk away if he refuses to make a choice. It is up to you to prayerfully determine how much time he has to decide. He needs a deadline and you need to stick to that deadline.

He got into this by being a little boy. If he wants to get out of it with the better woman (YOU) then he’s going to have to be a man.

Qtpie, what are you doing for yourself right now? Going to Church? Counseling? Fasting, and praying and studying scriptures? There is only one source of strength that can get you through this without going insane and that is God. Your Father in Heaven can and will help you here, more than you can imagine. Turn to him like never before and trust him. He will see you through this.

[applepansy]

Qtpie, I agree with everything Faded has said.

Why are you continuing to let your husband play you? Because you love him? If so, that just gives him more power unless you can love hiim enough to set that deadline for a decision and commitment, or end of the relationship.

I would advise that you speak with your parents, his parents, your Bishop. You need people around you to support you. He has his support. . .his grandmother, his girlfriend, and you (you're enabling him).

It sounds like his mother already knows what is going on and has feelings for you. If she didn't she wouldn't have give you a hug and held on. Talk to her. She understands her son better than anyone else on earth. If she can be honest about her son, she can help you. Find out and let her help.

If I was in your shoes? I would have kicked him out until he could make the decision who he wants to be with. If he chose me, then the biggest condition would be no contact with the babies mother, period, until after the child is born. Contact then would only be with you present. If he chose the baby's mother then I would end all contact except through an atttorney. You don't need to be put through more emotional pain with him dangling a carrot in front of you.

I'm sorry your heart has been broken. Its very painful when we are betrayed by someone we thought loved us. Obviously he doesn't love you unconditionally or he would have made the changes you requested without question or reservation.

Again. . .go talk to your Bishop.

applepansy

[qtpie09]

I guess if I were on the outside looking in, I would be saying the same things. But it's so much easier said than done. I even say these things to myself, but when the time comes to stand up for myself and give him the ultimatum, I chicken out.

Our situation is so much more complicated that it sounds --you have to remember we have been seperated for about 9 months and for the past several YEARS we have been just co-existing. Right now we're trying to revive a dead relationship. We both know what an ideal marriage should look like and we both want that for ourselves, but nobody has written a text book on how to get through this obstacle. I want to "lay down the law"--I know that's what EVERYONE has told me...yes, my Bishop, my parents, my best friend, my counselor, etc. I have talked this out with everyone. Do you know how foolish I feel going against what everyone else tells me I should do? I think I am crazy, yet I know how I felt when I was going through the divorce process and I don't want to re-live that. No one knows my husband better than me. I'm not making excuses for him or enabling him, I just know that we didn't have the marriage that a husband would be running back to. I have issues too that contributed to us not being happy. It's not just him that is the problem. I am seeing the Bishop, a counselor and trying to get to a place where I can be a spouse my husband wants to be with. I know this all sounds crazy to everyone on the outside, but there are so many things my husband and I have been through over the years that makes it extremely difficult to just severe all ties...especially emotionally. My husband is not a bad guy, he has just made very bad decisions. I am trying to handle this in the most gentle way possible because I know him...he will just shut everyone out if I push.

Today I saw her picture for the first time. My husband had wrote a check to her for doctor bills, so I finally know her last name. I was stupid and looked her up on Facebook...aw Facebook...gotta love the drama it causes. At first I was appalled--if you're going to cheat, wouldn't you try to find someone BETTER LOOKING than your wife? I mean, she's thinner than I am but I really don't get the attraction...oh well, maybe she has a "good personality"

I guess reality hit...finally a face to put with all the trauma that has happened. And to go along with it, a "in a relationship" status indicator on her page and tons of posts about how she is excited to be pregnant. All her 21-22 yr old friends leaving posts congratulating her....ugh. I don't know why I put myself through the emotional torture, but I guess curiosity got the best of me. I have never felt hate for another person, but as soon as I saw her face...that's what I felt. It scares me. All these emotions that come along with being betrayed. This is the biggest mess ever...I just don't know if my life will ever not be a big mess...even if I leave. Ugh.

[applepansy]

Qtpie, Hun, you're beating yourself up and putting yourself through a lot. You're making choices, which is your right. Nobody can take your agency away, all we cal do is offer advice.

As long as you continue to make the choice to stay and continue to be devalued, there is nothing much anyone else can do or say that will make a difference.

The advice you've gotten here has been tested and tried. There is a wealth of experience at this website. But if you're not going to act on the advice its nothing more than words.

Its all up to you. We all decide how we want to be treated and we teach the people around us how to treat us. You're teaching your husband to treat you like a rug.

You will be in my thought and prayers.

applepansy

[Faded]

Today I saw her picture for the first time. My husband had wrote a check to her for doctor bills, so I finally know her last name. I was stupid and looked her up on Facebook...aw Facebook...gotta love the drama it causes. At first I was appalled--if you're going to cheat, wouldn't you try to find someone BETTER LOOKING than your wife? I mean, she's thinner than I am but I really don't get the attraction...oh well, maybe she has a "good personality"

Hey, what do you know? Someone's thinking EXACTLY the same thing as me. My wife cheated with the frail and handicapped spawn of Skellitor and the Abominable Snowman. Oh the mixed feelings that go into that. One thought I keep thinking is, "Have you no respect for yourself sleeping with THAT? Ewwwwww!!" You gotta get a few laughs out of it or you go insane.

Qtpie, please try to understand something. It may be that we've never met you and that we don't fully comprehend every little nuance of your situation. But we're worried about you. My wife and I both love you dearly and our hearts go out to you. You've gotten a lot of good advice here. Some from people like me who are dealing with extremely similar circumstances. Some advice from others who have years of experience in helping other people through similar circumstances. We want to help you. Don't try to convince yourself that the advice does not apply in your circumstance and that you are a unique exception -- that things just work differently in your case. That's Satan's favorite tactic for trying to lead people into the most miserable circumstance he can manage. And you don't deserve to be miserable.

Applepansy nailed it perfectly. You seem to be determined to be your husband's doormat. That breaks my heart think about. Are you the perfect spouse? Of course not. Neither am I. But my wife decided that she was willing to do whatever it took to keep me. You're husband doesn't seem to be able to make up his mind.

The most important thing here is this. I did not hand my wife a list of demands. I did not tell her, "You're going to do this" or "Do it my way or I'm leaving you, end of discussion." It comes down to having a heart to heart conversation. You don't attack him. You tell him how you feel. How does it make you feel when you know he is off visiting his little girlfriend? Does he know? How did it make you feel when you found out he had been committing adultery? Separated or not, the two of you were not divorced. He cheated. That should not be justifiable nor excusable. Does he know what this experience is putting you through? If he doesn't, you need to tell him. You use statements like, "When you _____ it makes me feel ______." Making demands and accusations is counterproductive. Using the discussion of your feelings to build a list of things you need, to feel like you can relearn how to trust him.

In my case, my wife offered to do whatever it took. I very calmly told her what I needed from her and explained why I needed each item. We calmly discussed things. That is how it's done.

If the man knows full well what he's putting you through (because you have told him all of it with all sincerity) and continues to do as he damn well pleases, then that would be a very good sign that the marriage isn't worth fixing and that it's time to move on.

Edited January 25, 2009 by Faded

[AngelLynn]

I guess reality hit...finally a face to put with all the trauma that has happened. And to go along with it, a "in a relationship" status indicator on her page and tons of posts about how she is excited to be pregnant. All her 21-22 yr old friends leaving posts congratulating her....ugh. I don't know why I put myself through the emotional torture, but I guess curiosity got the best of me. I have never felt hate for another person, but as soon as I saw her face...that's what I felt. It scares me. All these emotions that come along with being betrayed. This is the biggest mess ever...I just don't know if my life will ever not be a big mess...even if I leave. Ugh.

Qtpie I am sure looking at a page where you're reading responses from 21-22 year old people congradulating her on a baby must of hurt more than I can imagne. Not to mention she doesn't seem one bit sorry that she ended up getting pregenant by a married man (even though you were seperated.) I'd be disgusted over the whole thing. I know you have no option in advoiding this woman or your husband avoiding her.

I've had friends around that age when I was that age who ended up having children without a father. We'd be happy for the mother but there was a good sense of sadness as well as a bit of aloofness as most of my friends really had a hard time dealing with the situtation. Although most of my friends were LDS and the mother was LDS as well. So our standards in accordance to the gospel would be diffrent than this woman and her friends.

I also know that at that age a lot of us would have been thrilled to have a child, particularly if it is the first child. For her she must be in that whole motherly glow and excitement, but for you it must feel like hell. I can only imagine.

I also think you're letting feelings feeling of remorse, self-doubt and other feelings cloud your judgement in your reasoning in staying.

I am also beginning to worry as everyone else that your husband is using you.

If you are planning a big decision of leaving or staying, my advice would be to fast (assuming you can) read your scriptures, and pray to the Lord concerning it. I just know you need to clear your mind of all these feelings you are feeling and the only way I know how to do that would be to fast to put your mind and feelings closer to the sprit.

[applepansy]

I know you have no option in advoiding this woman or your husband avoiding her.

AngelLynn, I have to disagree with the above statement. There are many options that do not include continued involvement. It is not Qtpie's responsiblity to hold this young girl's hand, or associate, or accept the circumstances. Her husband has the option to discontinuing the relationship, period. No contact. That doens't mean he's not responsible for child support. But he's not responsible for this young pregnant woman's bills.

He can choose to have no contact and work through an attorney or the State work out the logistics relating to the child with absolutely not contact with the mother. He is wanting his cake and eat to too. As long as Qtpie is willing to accept second place, that's where she will be. After time she'll find herself in 3rd or 4th place.

Qtpie's husband needs to be given a deadline to make decision and he needs to stay with his Grandmother until he decides who he wants. He needs to not be allowed to continue to treat Qtpie like a doormat.

applepansy

[applepansy]

After reading this thread the my husband, his feelings were that Qtpie's husband needs to step up and be man, make a decision. If he decide to stay with her, then he needs to work through LDS Social Services to support the child. Or he needs to divorce Qtpie and marry the mother of his child. He needs to make this decisioin so Qtpie can move on.

If they are going to stay together the boundaries must be maintained and they need to go see the Bishop together.

This whole thing reminded my husband of the movie "The Duchess", where the husband moved the mistress into the house and expected his wife to live with it and help raise all the children.

It sounds like Mr. Qtpie wants a wife and a mistress too.

Qtpie, you should not feel quilty or ashamed at all. . . these feelings are reserved for your husband. He's the one who continues to make hurtful mistakes.

(dictated by Mr applepansy)

applepansy

[Faded]

Today I saw her picture for the first time. My husband had wrote a check to her for doctor bills, so I finally know her last name. I was stupid and looked her up on Facebook...aw Facebook...gotta love the drama it causes. At first I was appalled--if you're going to cheat, wouldn't you try to find someone BETTER LOOKING than your wife? I mean, she's thinner than I am but I really don't get the attraction...oh well, maybe she has a "good personality"

I guess reality hit...finally a face to put with all the trauma that has happened. And to go along with it, a "in a relationship" status indicator on her page and tons of posts about how she is excited to be pregnant. All her 21-22 yr old friends leaving posts congratulating her....ugh. I don't know why I put myself through the emotional torture, but I guess curiosity got the best of me. I have never felt hate for another person, but as soon as I saw her face...that's what I felt. It scares me. All these emotions that come along with being betrayed. This is the biggest mess ever...I just don't know if my life will ever not be a big mess...even if I leave. Ugh.

Another serious concern comes to mind here. She does know about you, right? She knows that she was just impregnated by a married man, doesn't she? You're husband isn't pretending to be single and "off working on business" when he's off with you, is he?

I'm seriously having a hard time imagining a girl getting all happy and excited about being pregnant by a married man. So now I'm wondering if he's playing one or both of you.

Edited January 26, 2009 by Faded

[AngelLynn]

AngelLynn, I have to disagree with the above statement. There are many options that do not include continued involvement. It is not Qtpie's responsiblity to hold this young girl's hand, or associate, or accept the circumstances. Her husband has the option to discontinuing the relationship, period. No contact. That doens't mean he's not responsible for child support. But he's not responsible for this young pregnant woman's bills.

He can choose to have no contact and work through an attorney or the State work out the logistics relating to the child with absolutely not contact with the mother. He is wanting his cake and eat to too. As long as Qtpie is willing to accept second place, that's where she will be. After time she'll find herself in 3rd or 4th place.

Qtpie's husband needs to be given a deadline to make decision and he needs to stay with his Grandmother until he decides who he wants. He needs to not be allowed to continue to treat Qtpie like a doormat.

applepansy

Well I was just going on what Qtpie was writing Applepansy. So my quote was mirroring her statements. But I am not married and I don't have these problems, so I know little on how not to do it without contatct. But her writing feels so pained and I am wondering why she is putting herself through this.

[qtpie09]

<<FADED>>

Yes, she knew about me. I know most of the people my husband works with and they all know he's married. I used to take him lunch on my days off and I would go see him after I got off work. I never met her, but she DOES know I exist. I even called her when I suspected the affair early on. True, my husband and I were seperated, but I told her if she had any respect for herself or for me as a woman she would wait until the ink on our divorce papers were dry before she moved in on my husband. She did all this knowingly--and based on the timeline--she got pregnant at the same time or VERY shortly after my husband told her the first time that he was coming home to me to work on our marriage. Her best friend even confirmed her suspicions that she got pregnant on purpose. We are not talking about anyone with any sort of moral compass here! She's made it very clear that she does not want our marriage to work and is doing everything to sabatoge it.

With that said, I am pretty sure my marriage is over. Thank you to everyone for all your support and advice over the past couple of weeks. Today I had to work and my husband had a day off. Of course, after he wouldn't answer the phone and wouldn't text me back, I finally asked if he was with her. He was. This is only a day or so after he said he wasn't going to be alone with her. He justifies everything--saying they were just going to lunch and watching a movie...he doesn't see why he can't just be friends with her (they are going to be raising this kid)---ha, what a crock! He continually betrays my trust over and over and it's only because I let him(I know --everyone has told me that already--I know). I told him I am not going to be subject to him and this other woman setting the ground rules and expecting me to accept it or leave. I told him a real man would go see the Bishop and be humbled enough to go through the repentance process...not continue to live in sin. He hung up on me and won't return my calls...I'm sure it's over. Oh well. Can't say I didn't try.

[Faded]

<<FADED>>

Yes, she knew about me. I know most of the people my husband works with and they all know he's married. I used to take him lunch on my days off and I would go see him after I got off work. I never met her, but she DOES know I exist. I even called her when I suspected the affair early on. True, my husband and I were separated, but I told her if she had any respect for herself or for me as a woman she would wait until the ink on our divorce papers were dry before she moved in on my husband. She did all this knowingly--and based on the timeline--she got pregnant at the same time or VERY shortly after my husband told her the first time that he was coming home to me to work on our marriage. Her best friend even confirmed her suspicions that she got pregnant on purpose. We are not talking about anyone with any sort of moral compass here! She's made it very clear that she does not want our marriage to work and is doing everything to sabotage it.

First stupid mistake was your husband's for picking up a mistress for himself while you were separated. It sounds like ugly prego chick was trying to keep her man by getting pregnant. She tricked him to keep him, essentially. Yeah, sounds like she's a mess. It also sounds like they just might deserve each other.

Like I said (and it's more true than I thought before), they have a relationship founded upon lies and deception. It's doomed to fail and it's doomed to be miserable. There's a chance that your husband and his adulterous little tramp someday decide to put all the work into their relationship that he refused to put into his current marriage. People can and do change unexpectedly. He just doesn't seem to want to change for you and be the man you need him to be. That's his choice though.

With that said, I am pretty sure my marriage is over. Thank you to everyone for all your support and advice over the past couple of weeks. Today I had to work and my husband had a day off. Of course, after he wouldn't answer the phone and wouldn't text me back, I finally asked if he was with her. He was. This is only a day or so after he said he wasn't going to be alone with her. He justifies everything--saying they were just going to lunch and watching a movie...he doesn't see why he can't just be friends with her (they are going to be raising this kid)---ha, what a crock! He continually betrays my trust over and over and it's only because I let him(I know --everyone has told me that already--I know). I told him I am not going to be subject to him and this other woman setting the ground rules and expecting me to accept it or leave. I told him a real man would go see the Bishop and be humbled enough to go through the repentance process...not continue to live in sin. He hung up on me and won't return my calls...I'm sure it's over. Oh well. Can't say I didn't try.

Clearly, he's made his choice. I do wish it had ended better for you, but that wasn't up to you. It was up to him. His choice was to continue to be a little boy with his little mistress and continue to try to sneak around behind your back. It may be that he still loves you. He just doesn't love you enough to stand up, be a man, change his life around and rebuild your trust in him. Under the circumstances, it's just not enough. Not by a long shot.

I feel very sad for you Qtpie. It's a terrible thing to live through. Are you doing all the things necessary to bring the Holy Spirit into your life? Reading scriptures? Praying? Going to Church? I would hate to think that you're doing this without putting everything in your life in place to be turned to God to the maximum degree. Losing a spouse for any reason is the emotional equivalent of having several appendages violently ripped off of your body. It HURTS, but at least it is a hurt that will eventually end (sticking around and being the doormat is hurt that never ends). I would urge you not to go through that alone.

God Bless you and keep you.