Dieing

[mourning]

I feel like I'm dieing inside, I need to talk to someone and its killing me. I came home from church early on Sunday and found my husband engaged in pornographic material and behaviors. We have been married 6 years this is the third time I've "caught him" but this time I saw him engaged therein. I can't even go into our room, I can barley look at him. I feel so torn and broken. The past times I found it online I was sickened by the material he was viewing I was grateful not to see it but read the URL's and sites listed viewed instead. I didn't know about this before our marriage I don't know if I want to go through this over and over again. Time #1 my heart was broken, time# 2 all trust lost forever, this time I'm disgusted I feel all sacred things have been violated in our marriage covenant and I can't function, I am reminded of it every time I see him, I feel depressed and angry and alone.

[Vort]

I am so sorry to hear this. Please go talk to your bishop immediately. Take your husband, or if he won't go, go without him. You need guidance and encouragement.

[mourning]

We talked to the bishop last Sunday, I'm waiting to talk to him next Sunday as well.

[mourning]

Guidance, and encouragement would be good.

Some bishops make me feel like its my fault, and talk to HIM the entire time,

they say things like "don't you dare ever use this as black male" that was after the first time.

And this time he said that if we were intimate more often these things can be prevented.

[mourning]

I had one sensitive bishop and I really really want to call and talk to him but he isn't my bishop any longer, I have since then spoken with my current bishop and cleared up some misunderstandings, if I can make it until Sunday I'll be fine. I just can't function, I don't want to do anything but sleep and I have been extremely overeating, and I can't stop crying.

[MorningStar]

Unfortunately it's taking bishops a while to catch up with how to handle this, but many are handling it well. I would take it as an opportunity to educate them. Don't allow anyone to tell you it's your fault. Most likely, he started this long before he met you. What was his excuse then?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Try talking to your current bishop. Give him a chance. I'll be praying for you.

[WillowTheWhisp]

Blaming you for your husband's addiction to porn is just so wrong.

If the Bishop says anything like that to you again ask him would it be acceptable if you were hospitalised with a serious injury for your husband to visit a prostitute to fulfil his 'needs' and perhaps he might see the fallacy in his argument.

You are not to blame for something someone else does - ever.

I hope you can find comfort in knowing that and know that your Heavenly Father does not blame you.

[Faded]

Guidance, and encouragement would be good.

Some bishops make me feel like its my fault, and talk to HIM the entire time,

they say things like "don't you dare ever use this as black male" that was after the first time.

And this time he said that if we were intimate more often these things can be prevented.

Please, please bear one thing in mind. This is a matter of addiction. It doesn't sound like your Bishop understands the nature of the addiction. Blaming you, the wife, in any way, makes as much sense as an alcoholic saying, "Woman it's your fault that I drink all the time! If you weren't _______ then I wouldn't have to get drunk all the time!"

No doubt the Bishop means well. He's human too. I also don't have all the details either. But even a person with the best of all possible marriage relationships can fall into a pornography addiction. It is probably the single greatest challenge to the Church today because it's so accessible, and it is so easy to fall into. It's the one addiction that humans are pre-wired for (obvious reason.) There are addiction recovery programs within the Church, but I don't know if they are available absolutely everywhere. It's probably best if can plug into those sorts of resources.

As with any addiction, there are those rare cases who have the will-power to just say, "Enough!" and quit all at once, once and for all. Then there are the majority who will struggle to free themselves.

[Wingnut]

Guidance, and encouragement would be good.

Some bishops make me feel like its my fault, and talk to HIM the entire time,

they say things like "don't you dare ever use this as black male" that was after the first time.

And this time he said that if we were intimate more often these things can be prevented.

I can understand the talking to your husband the whole time, at least at first. It is his problem, and it needs to stop. However, that doesn't make your pain any less.

Anyone telling you not to use this as blackmail is absolutely right. No matter what he's done to you, it won't be helped when five years down the road, you're trying to win an argument and bring this issue up. Additionally, blackmail is evidence that you haven't forgiven him. Once you do forgive him, it's time to move on and help prevent future relapses.

If you husband is truly a porn addict, your level of intimacy with him doesn't effect the current state of his addiction.

[mourning]

Anyone telling you not to use this as blackmail is absolutely right. No matter what he's done to you, it won't be helped when five years down the road, you're trying to win an argument and bring this issue up. Additionally, blackmail is evidence that you haven't forgiven him. Once you do forgive him, it's time to move on and help prevent future relapses.

If you husband is truly a porn addict, your level of intimacy with him doesn't effect the current state of his addiction.

I understand what your saying and agree about the blackmail. Unfortunately that was all the Bishop said to me for the entire conversation, and him saying that just hurt me even more I felt like he was accusatory toward me. And I felt defensive and for 5 1/2 years have felt this way about that conversation. Until you explained it the way you did, I've never know what blackmail really is I have seen people on TV us it to get money out of someone else and that is what I thought it meant.

I agree with you about not using this against him, and I wish those words were spoken to me instead many years ago, for I have since done so in pain and anger. And it caused him to tell everyone in his family of his addiction and now they all reject and judge me (as if its all my fault) as well.

[mourning]

I feel that perhaps scheduling two different appointments one for him individually and one for myself would have avoided the heartache perhaps.

Talking to the Bishop together my husband is prone to downplay the event and leave out details of what actually did happen. I fill in the blanks and maybe that makes the Bishop see me as part of the problem.

May I add a thank you to everyone, I felt so lost and alone before I had no one to talk to. Keeping this secret inside of me and needing some guidance and encouragement was killing my spirit, I've never felt so hopeless, I keep having flashbacks of the event every time I see the room where I saw him, every time I hear him sigh, or even zip up his pants. I feel like its killing me inside.

[Hemidakota]

A good place to vent and seem advice.

I see, many already provided a solution. You are right in seeking a personal meeting first. I do agree, do not bring your husband to the meeting or allow him to know that you have a meeting with the Bishop for that reason. You need to have this meeting personal to clear up some misunderstanding and allow yourself to be you in the meeting.