Coming Clean

[applepansy]

Okay, here's my situation. My parents have known for a few years now that I've been inactive in the Church. They also know that I consider myself an atheist. However, there are more specific aspects of my lifestyle that they don't know about. They don't know about my tattoos. They don't know that I'm a craft beer enthusiast. They don't know that I'm not a virgin. To say that they take their religion very seriously would be a huge understatement. My mom was devastated when I first opened up to them about my doubts in regard to the LDS church. The idea of not being able to have me with them in the Celestial Kingdom was a heartbreaking concept for her to come to terms with. It is for this reason that I have been discrete about my "sinful" ways. I can't bear to hurt them any further.

I've been meaning to come clean for a while because while I don't want to hurt them, I hate being deceitful as well. I recently learned that my father will be visiting Texas in November to visit my grandfather on his 80th birthday. So it seems that I can't put this off any longer. The truth has to come out, preferably before he comes into my apartment and see my tats and beer bottles.

My dad's visit isn't the sole reason why I feel compelled to come clean. Like I said, I've been meaning to have this conversation with them for a while, but I haven't been able to build up the courage to open up to them. His visit has merely put a timeline on something that I should have done a long time ago. I still find the idea terrifying though. I'm personally not ashamed of the person I've become since distancing myself from the Church, but I know that the truth would hurt and disappoint my parents considerably. I guess what I'm looking for is advice on how to come clean while minimizing the pain on both ends, if that's possible. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

This happened to me with my sons. The one I'll talk about is 28 first.

What hurt most was the realization that he didn't believe in God. The rest was more a concern for his wellbeing. We have never had a sit down conversation about his lifestyle. But he doesn't hide it from us either. We know he drinks. We know he smokes on occassion. We know he has broken the laws of chastity...repeatedly. Since his sister moved in with him (she rents his spare room while going to school) we've since learned his drinking is more than just a couple of beers now and then...he's an alcoholic and isn't ready to admit it because he still functions in life.

I was not happy when I discovered the fridge FULL of beerm organized by brand and flavor. There was nothing else in there. I was not happy when I discovered my 24yo's tat. I was verbal about it all. But my last words were "I love you!" We cannot choose for our children. They must choose for themselves. If your parents understand the gospel they will understand agency, and that besides their obligation to help you by pointing out right and wrong, they have to step back and let you make your own choices, right or wrong.

I love my sons dearly. I pray for them constantly. I keep their names on the prayer roll continually.

Be honest with your parents. They love you and deserve that much. Then realize they are adults too.

applepansy

Edited May 22, 2009 by applepansy

[DigitalShadow]

From what you have said it does sound like it would be a good idea to be honest with them and not actively try to hide aspects of your life, but at the same time I don't think there is a need for you to be overly forthcoming about details like your virginity (my parents wouldn't care but it's still not something I would like to discuss with them). I think that if they haven't already disowned you, they probably won't disown you over these things, but you probably know your parents better than any of us and what they can handle.

[rameumptom]

If you were truly concerned about your parents' feelings, you wouldn't have gotten tattoos or be drinking beer. Sorry, no sympathy for you on this one.

You have to decide what is most important to you: your parents' feelings, or your beer. Either way, you will have to sacrifice something. The choice is what is more important to you in your own life.

[DigitalShadow]

You have to decide what is most important to you: your parents' feelings, or your beer. Either way, you will have to sacrifice something. The choice is what is more important to you in your own life.

That could very well be the case, but if his parents are expecting him to live by the moral code of a religion he doesn't believe in, I think they have some unrealistic expectations and are setting themselves up to be hurt. Eventually they will have to come to terms with the fact that their son has chosen a different path in life, in fact they may even have already come to terms with this.

I don't think he should intentionally flaunt things his parents disapprove of, but hiding them or even stopping them altogether only prolongs the inevitable. If his parents feelings are hurt by their son being true to himself, in my opinion that is their problem to work through, not his.

[Guest Godless]

If you were truly concerned about your parents' feelings, you wouldn't have gotten tattoos or be drinking beer. Sorry, no sympathy for you on this one.

You have to decide what is most important to you: your parents' feelings, or your beer. Either way, you will have to sacrifice something. The choice is what is more important to you in your own life.

I wonder how many Christian parents try to use similar reasoning to try to dissuade their children from joining the LDS church. Point being, I feel no obligation to change the way I live to meet their standards. Doing so might make them happy, but at the cost of my self-expression and individualism.

My lifestyle and the choices I've made may not be admirable in the eyes of most people, but I'm comfortable with them. And yes, ultimately my own happiness and well-being is more important to me than my parents' perception of me. Their concerns are rooted in a religion that I no longer follow. I have and always will do my best to respect them and the religious lives that they lead, but the fact that I have strayed from their path means that there will be rough spots in my relationship with them, and that's what I'm trying to prepare for.

[the Ogre]

I wonder how many Christian parents try to use similar reasoning to try to dissuade their children from joining the LDS church. Point being, I feel no obligation to change the way I live to meet their standards. Doing so might make them happy, but at the cost of my self-expression and individualism.

My lifestyle and the choices I've made may not be admirable in the eyes of most people, but I'm comfortable with them. And yes, ultimately my own happiness and well-being is more important to me than my parents' perception of me. Their concerns are rooted in a religion that I no longer follow. I have and always will do my best to respect them and the religious lives that they lead, but the fact that I have strayed from their path means that there will be rough spots in my relationship with them, and that's what I'm trying to prepare for.

Look it is your life. You have to choose for yourself. If you are dissatisfied with something, then make a change.

I'm a fat guy. I'm dissatisfied with that. I ride a bike (trek 7.3 with great modifications) everywhere and avoid sugar and corn-syrup like the plague. I try my very best to not over-eat. I'm still fat. Nothing I do seems to change that fact, but I'm still trying to loose weight. But what if I were satisfied with being fat? What if I liked it, or if it were an essential part of my self-identity? In that case, it is no-one's business what I do.

Sure, there are arguments that being fat is immoral because it is a drag on society and public health-care. But those same arguments are far more valid for smokers and drinkers.

The tats you have. You choose. Be satisfied and happy with them now. When you're seventy, they will be a huge blur, so get the most out of them now.

But most of all, it does not matter at all what any of us think or feel. It doesn't matter what your parents think or feel, except that you are the one making an issue of their concerns. I think you love your parents, and that is great. If I were them, I wouldn't care. I would want to have a relationship with you.

Edited May 22, 2009 by the Ogre

[Guest missingsomething]

The pain and disappointment at this stage are unavoidable. You don't have to go into painfully excruciating detail about your "sins." They already know you have gone wayward and they are also avoiding the conversation, believe me. They will continue to pray and hope that you would mend your ways. Nothing you say willl make them stop trying to bring you back into the fold. You be polite, have compassion for their pain and do not try to "assert" your free will on their faces. In oder words, do not wear your rebelious/sinful ways on your sleeve.

Just be courteous and polite. You are an adult and you do not have to divulge details of your private life. It serves no purpose other than adding insult to injury.

Islander said this perfectly.

The pain is unavoidable. Its part of the whole consequences thing. Your parents faith can seem isolating, but perhaps you can try to just be happy it is because of their love for you- they want you to achieve the same faith and happiness that has worked for them.

Its important for you to let them know - this was not rebellion against them per say. I mean, if it wasnt. More than likely - your parents blame themselves for some short of short-coming.

[Guest missingsomething]

Those are really expensive water balloons...and I'm not sure that they'd hold enough friction against a person to actually pop.

well at least you HOPE they are that strong right?!

[rameumptom]

That could very well be the case, but if his parents are expecting him to live by the moral code of a religion he doesn't believe in, I think they have some unrealistic expectations and are setting themselves up to be hurt. Eventually they will have to come to terms with the fact that their son has chosen a different path in life, in fact they may even have already come to terms with this.

I don't think he should intentionally flaunt things his parents disapprove of, but hiding them or even stopping them altogether only prolongs the inevitable. If his parents feelings are hurt by their son being true to himself, in my opinion that is their problem to work through, not his.

I'm sure they don't believe he is living their moral code. But if he's worried about what they will think, and if he's been hiding things from them, then he is not showing them the respect nor the consideration they deserve. Unless they've been lousy parents, I think he owes them honesty up front, if he's going to do some things differently that are out in the open (tattoos and beer cans in the frig are kind of obvious, after all).

If he is so worried about what they will think, then it lies with him to begin thinking like an adult and take their wishes into consideration on at least some aspects of his life, or to stop worrying about what they will think. To live in between with lies is to be hypocritical and to suggest his parents won't love him anymore, simply because he's chosen a different path.

Sad thing is, one can choose a different path, but hopefully if he/she's had good parents, will at least take their desires into consideration before making such life changes. and if you do, then you need not worry about hiding tattoos.

[Guest Godless]

A few people have been asking about my situation, so here's an update. My father is still planning to visit in November, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I'm going to be flying out to PA on Monday for a two week visit. My parents and I have a lot to discuss. I resent the timing and circumstances, but I suppose that's my punishment for putting off being honest and straight-forward with them. All in all though, I'm really looking forward to this visit. I've been feeling pretty burned out and could use some time away from the Lone Star state.

I want to thank everyone who has shown support and concern, and especially those who have responded with criticism (it's a healthy thing). I know that this seems like a pretty trivial thing to stress over, but I can't really help it. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted once I get over there.

[Maxel]

Good luck, Godless! I don't really have anything to add other than my support, so I'll be praying that things go well for you and your parents.

[Mirium]

This can be a difficult and painful situation. My husband isn't a member and both my children are less active. My eldest who is an adult doesn't hide her standards from me and yes it hurts when in my view she is making wrong choices but it doesn't stop me from loving her at the end of the day she is still my daughter. Living with a non member and less active is kind of the other way round for me because they sometimes don't approve of my standards and think they are over the top but at the end of the day we are all pretty open about how we live our lives even if we do disagree with each other. Sometimes I wonder how we manage to live in the same house but we do. The hardest thing I struggle with is seeing her go out dressed far from what the church standard is, she knows this is hard for me and it is hard to keep quiet but I do because I have to respect her free agency.

[ferretrunner]

Godless,

I grew up in a house where fighting about religion was the hobby of the week, every Sunday and often on other days. My parents both attend their own churches now- one Catholic, one protestant. Of the three grown kids, they have an agnositc, a pagan, and a seeker. I don't push my own choices and beliefs at my parents. I have a tattoo- they know it, we don't talk about it. I think what is hard about your situation is you genuinely care about your parents and their faith, even if you don't agree. Gwen gave an excellent idea. Either write them or talk to them, respectfully, that you have made some different choices. When they come to visit, don't leave your empties out all over the apartment. Keep them out of direct sight. Repect their beliefs and don't drink in front of them. Wear what you would normally but don't push the tatts in their faces. I have a friend who left the LDS church and has tatts. She covers them when she visits her parents. Her parents know she has them but she wants to be respectful.

It sounds like your heart is in the right place. Treat them, and their beliefs, with respect and I think you'll be ok. It may not be comfortable at first but I think your relationship with them will probably get better. LOL. They probably know more already than you think.

[Moksha]

Godless, being into home brewing is one thing, but when you do it for money you are practicing BeerCraft.

:)

[Guest Godless]

Godless, being into home brewing is one thing, but when you do it for money you are practicing BeerCraft.

:)

Where's that laugh button???

And actually I haven't started homebrewing, yet. I'm hoping to start soon though.

[bmy-]

Good luck. You're an adult.. they're adults.. at the very least they should respect your decisions. Do not let them guilt trip you.. you've done nothing wrong. Even by 'hiding' your personal life.. it's really none of their business.

There's no such thing as absolute morality.. I hope they'll realize that by the time you're through with them. Talk about an uncomfortable situation though..