Stupid marriage...

[NormalMormon]

My husband and I have been married for three years, and got married in the temple a little less than a year ago. We don't have any kids yet.

I am a more than a little worried because I feel like we are headed for a divorce.

It seems like he has been depressed for years...well, on and off I guess. He's never happy. It seems like the only way he'll ever be happy is if he wins the lottery or something. He's never rich enough or good looking enough...nothing is EVER good "enough" for him. He's an eternal pessimist.

Also, last night I saw that he was drinking. I get REALLY upset at this. His family are also members of the church, yet some of them drink and I think it's really stupid. I told him not to lie to me if he ever drank, but he always "dances" around it...like "Oh, you asked if I was drinking WINE. and I said no. I'm really drinking Vodka." OR something stupid like that.

Anyway, he's bitter because I got to "have fun" and drink in college - but he never got to. (I wasn't a member then.)

It just feels like I am trying to move on and up in life. Go to church, grow up, live the WoW, etc... and he's digressing. He thinks alcohol will make life more fun because other members of his family do it. He doesn't think it's a big deal at all because Mormons abuse prescription drugs and it's no different. (Which it really isn't - but BOTH are BAD.)

I hear this all the time - the man wants the woman he married to stay the same, and the woman wants the man she married to change. Well that is exactly what is happening here. But I don't understand WHY it is a bad thing that I want him to change for the BETTER, and he wants me to be the drinking, party girl I was before! I am becoming a better person, and he doesn't like it. So I am wondering if it's even worth it to stay together.

Also, he has never hit me, but he has an EXTRAORDINARILY BAD TEMPER. Like, bad... he throws things, breaks things, ruins things...I hate it and just when everthing is going GREAT he throws a tantrum. He also says some of the meanest things you could ever say to anyone.

Plus now, he's "not sure" about the church. He thinks everything is a waste of time. He thinks that God is punishing him. Every chance he gets he says sarcastically, "THANKS GOD!!!!!!!"...because recently things have been going bad for him health wise. But when something goes good he doesn't attribute it to God at all.

I literally don't want to put forth the effort into dating anyone else. I don't feel like anyone will ever be good enough. I know that sounds bad, but all I want is a nice funny priesthood holder that doesn't throw crap around, use the "N" word, has respect, doesn't swear, is optimistic....I hate this.

[NeuroTypical]

The only relevant thing I've learned about marriages, is that you can't work on the other spouse, you can only work on you.

So:

* Figure out why you picked this bad tempered immature drinking depressed person in the first place.

* Figure out why you say nobody else "will ever be good enough".

* Mature yourself to the point where you understand that the guy you picked to marry is now the guy you're married to. Figure out what YOU are going to do about that, not what you want HIM to do about it.

* From that matured position, make the right decision about having kids.

I'd suggest seeing a counselor from LDS Social services, if you have one in your area. They're good people, and you could probably get the Bishop's help in paying for it if money is an issue.

Good luck.

LM

[willyshane1971]

Will keep you in my prayers.

[pam]

You have to be true to yourself. You can't force a person to do the right thing. Unfortunately they have to learn that themself.

[FunkyTown]

Wow. I'm really sorry - You're in a bad situation right now.

I sensed a few things from what you'd said and thought I'd chime in to help you consider what you should do.

When you first married this man, he was a hard drinking, cussing man with a temper. That's fine - He wasn't prepared for the church in his life. He grew up in the church, so he never had the chance to develop his own testimony. That's a rough break.

When you first married this man, he was attractive in some way. He might have been funny, self-confident and good looking. He might have been a swaggering jock or someone who looked at you in a way that sent chills down your spine. These things were what you based the marriage on.

Later on, you say that you don't know if anyone will ever be good enough for you. That sounds like frustration based upon your current situation. If I might make a guess, I would say you are probably a very physically attractive person who has usually gotten what they wanted, had a few puppy-dog like guys follow you around and generally found yourself not respecting a good portion of the populace. That's fair and not entirely your fault. It's hard to respect people who fall over themselves to please you.

I have good news and bad news: The bad news is that the things that brought you to marry him are not eternal things. They are temporal. A man can go bald and gain weight(As can you). A man can lose his job and have his self-confidence plummet. A man can become exhausted and lose his physical interest.

The good news is that this doesn't have to be this way. Despite the past, despite anything that has gone on in your life, the future can be as bright as you make it. You can't change your husband, but you can try your best to bring a new spirit in to the family. You can struggle to be supportive despite his antagonism. You can pray together. You can love him unconditionally and support him as you covenanted to do. You don't have to let him walk all over you, but you do have to be there for him since he has not grown to your spiritual level, yet.

Right now, your emotions are clouded by anger and bitterness that you both have.

Serve him and love him. If you can forget yourself, do what is necessary to bring him to an interest in the church, you can grow yourself. When that happens, and you can love him despite his faults, you can with a clear conscience pray and decide whether you should stay together. Now, I wouldn't recommend it. Emotions are too high to really listen to the spirit.

Just know our prayers are with you. You're strong enough to do this and you'll be a better person for it.

[foreverafter]

It sounds like he is doing the classic "Cycle of Abuse". Get the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men." by Lundy Bancroft. It is one of the very best books on abuse. If you don't learn about abuse & why you chose him, you will most likely just get right back into another abusive relationship the next time, if you leave. For abusive men are usually very charming & different while dating you.

But my suggestion is to still keep your covenants to love him & climb into his arms & give him tons of affection & care every single day & make him as happy as you can. Live to do everything he desires & asks for, unless he asks you to do something unrighteous. Do everything together all day long, as much as possible. Never argue again, just let him do & have what he wants. Don't mention the bad he does, just ask gently & lovingly for specific good things you would like him to do, especially for you. If he does it, be very greatful & he will then be apt to do more. If he doesnt' do it, just don't mention it. Your relationship will get better & more peaceful & you will fall madly in love & get to enjoy that "high" until he learns to reciprocate it to you. This will make you the strongest & most righteous person you could ever be.

True Unconditional Love may not be the easiest road but it is the funnest & the happiest in the long run.

Edited June 17, 2009 by foreverafter

[ryanh]

So, were you looking for advice, or simply venting?

If I were to give advice, it would be much along the lines of LM's post. Just go reread that. :) In fact, if you want to read a chapter (about 30 pages in a paperback) that explains how to go about doing this, send me a pm and I'll send you a link.

Have you considered mental illness as a possibility? Both depression and/or ADHD could account for a lot of the struggles you describe.