Love dilemma

[Edelweiss]

I thought I'd post this here, so any adults who are wiser with this subject may help. Because I don't feel any YSA could help me now. No offense. That's why adults and older individuals are so awesome. so much knowledge and experience.

On May 1st 2009, I thought I was just going to a fun YSA activity. Little did I know, I'd meet the most wonderful guy ever...who would lead me to me to feel so much pain...and yet so much joy and absolute contentedness when I talk to him.

A few weeks before, my friend from AL, told me they were having a YSA activity, that was supposed to be a total blast. At first i wasn't sure about going, or if I'd even be able to get work off..almost didn't. I figured this would be a great time for me to spend time with her since she moved away from me for school..plus have a little fun, right? No harm..right? So me and another friend head over to stay with her for the weekend. That night we attend this awesome activity. We got rollerskating, laser tag, all great stuff. We then head over to the church to have some refreshments. This is where I meet him.

I had won these micro mini Uno cards. I walk over to show my friend, and he notices. Him sitting at the end of the table. He speaks up saying how small they are, and then I walk over to introduce myself. He immediately mentions how much he loves my hair. I have colored it red recently. He asked if it was my natural color..hehe I tell him the truth. He then asks if we can play Uno. I go get some food and come back, and me, him, and another girl play it. He then pulls that one hilarious, smooooooth line.."Some people collect stamps..I collect phone numbers." hahaha So I find him funny and all, and give him my number.

Well a couple of weeks go by, and I find out that my sister and brother found a house for us to live in, where I have been planning on moving. Well he finds out and decides he wants to visit for a weekend. Well he comes and he's just so awesome, goofy, funny, sweet. Well I can tell he likes me too...it's so obvious it IS funny. Anyway, he comes to see me for a day before i leave..he's two hours away btw. Well we have a great day together...anyway when he gets back, we're talking online one night. And I say too bad, I'll be 4 hours away, and he says. "Yeah don't remind me. But we can still be friends." My heart cracks. I have already let my guard down...and fallen head over heels, and he sticks his foot out and I fall flat on my face into concrete. I'm not one to forget about things easily, and it bothers me that he was so into me, and all the sudden he hits me with this. I tell him that i thought we were both interested in each other. He says he does like me, but doesn't think it's a good idea for him to be in a relationship right now, because he's about to start flight school in the army. So we have a long discussion. I get depressed for some weeks. And we talk almost every night, and he greets me with things like "Hello beautiful." And he obviously likes me I THINK as much as I do for him.

My dilemma is, he's going to be stationed in AL for 1 year and a half - 2 yrs. So I want to just go to school and work, and see how things go...but I'm not a patient person...so should I just completely forget about him? How can I forget someone I connected with so perfectly though? I tried desperately not to have feelings for him, mainly because he's in the Army and could leave to who knows where after these 2 years...But I feel it's impossible to control the heart. I hate it. And there's times when I wish I never met him, even though he's been such a good influence on me, and it's hard to want to only be friends with him. *Sigh* I feel really immature right now. I sound like some naive teenager don't I? I just need to learn how to close my heart, and not let anyone in I guess...because I am naive...naive and a fool.. Anyway..if anyone has some great advice, or has any situations similar to this for me..I'd appreciate it.

[Guest Godless]

No, the human heart is not impossible to control, just incredibly difficult sometimes. And no, shutting it off completely is not the answer. Focusing on school and work sounds like a good idea, anything to take you mind off of this guy for a while. There's nothing wrong with waiting for him to finish his training, but as you said, he could be headed just about anywhere after he's done. You're still very young, too young to be getting hung up on one guy like this. Don't be afraid to meet new people and play the field a little bit while you wait to see how things turn out with this guy.

The Army has a way of testing people's personal strength, and not just the people who wear the uniform. More than once, I've been hurt by women who didn't want to wait for me while I was in training or overseas in the Middle East. You learn to cope eventually though. The last relationship I was in ended especially badly. But I'd gotten so used to those kind of experiences that I was over it in less than three days. It sounds weird, but when you really think about it, what's the point in moping over someone that you can't have? Might as well move on and start over. I hope that you're able to make something work with this guy. If not though, just remember that there are other fish in the sea (I know, that's probably the last thing you want to hear, but it's true). There will be other chances for you to find love. And who knows, maybe you'll be able to make something work with this guy later on down the road. Life is a fickle thing. Don't let it keep you down or you might miss out on something or someone amazing.

[Edelweiss]

Well thanks for your reply...I honestly have to say I don't really feel any better, but thank you anyway. I understand what you mean...I know I'm 19 and still young, and I think what troubles me most is that my siblings are between the ages of 25-30 and still unmarried, and I guess it scares me to be alone for the rest of my life. Ok, now that makes it sound like I'm itching for someone, but before I met this guy, I hadn't been interested in anyone for over a year. I'm not picky, it's just I'm so different from everyone that it's difficult for me to find any guys that I connect with...which is why this one was so rare for me. And Like all the times before never is going anywhere. I've almost decided to give up. I've been getting hurt my whole dating years..and before that...sure that's not long, but I'm so sick of relationships never working out. I feel I've never had a decent, happy relationship in my life. I thought that at LEAST have a bloody chance...but nope! Not again...so I feel like any guy who starts getting close to me, I just want to push him away. I'm afraid to get hurt. I'm sick of the pain. I mean did people have been getting married since the beginning of time....has it always been this hard. It seems that people are more focused on school and work than...love. I know that school is important, but what are you going to do when you're alone after school?

[Edelweiss]

Oh, and i don't have a job yet, where I've moved, and I haven't started school, so I have nothing to occupy my mind right now...So it sucks.

[Vort]

Take a risk and tell him how you feel. His "still be friends" line may not have meant what you thought -- maybe he just meant that your friendship won't end just because you're four hours away. In any case, if you (politely and openly, not desperately) tell him that you're really into him and that you want to know if he feels the same way so you can figure out if you two can pursue a relationship together, you'll get an answer very, very fast. It may not be the answer you want, but at least you'll know, and you won't really feel any worse than you feel now.

On the other hand, maybe it WILL be the answer you want...

[ztodd]

Is there a church institute program or YSA activities where you live now? Jump right in and get totally involved to try to occupy that mind of yours. :) Welcome, by the way!

[Guest Godless]

Well thanks for your reply...I honestly have to say I don't really feel any better, but thank you anyway. I understand what you mean...I know I'm 19 and still young, and I think what troubles me most is that my siblings are between the ages of 25-30 and still unmarried, and I guess it scares me to be alone for the rest of my life. Ok, now that makes it sound like I'm itching for someone, but before I met this guy, I hadn't been interested in anyone for over a year. I'm not picky, it's just I'm so different from everyone that it's difficult for me to find any guys that I connect with...which is why this one was so rare for me. And Like all the times before never is going anywhere. I've almost decided to give up. I've been getting hurt my whole dating years..and before that...sure that's not long, but I'm so sick of relationships never working out. I feel I've never had a decent, happy relationship in my life. I thought that at LEAST have a bloody chance...but nope! Not again...so I feel like any guy who starts getting close to me, I just want to push him away. I'm afraid to get hurt. I'm sick of the pain. I mean did people have been getting married since the beginning of time....has it always been this hard. It seems that people are more focused on school and work than...love. I know that school is important, but what are you going to do when you're alone after school?

Love is very important, but not as important as school for someone your age. Believe me, I know how much it sucks to be hurt by someone, but those experiences will make you stronger. You can't know love until you've known heartbreak. I know that sounds very cliche, but it's true. You're at a stage in your life where you'll be experiencing a lot of new things, some good and some bad. This is a natural part of emerging into adulthood. The secret to making it work is to try not to rush it. You can't rush maturity. It's something that you're going to have to come into gradually. Yes, there'll be pain and hardship along the way, but this will all help to make you a better, stronger person.

Edit: To reinforce what ztodd said, try to get involved in YSA and Institute activities. I remained very active in both activities for quite a while after becoming inactive in the Church simply because of the great social interaction it created. I think it could do you a lot of good to mingle with people your age who are going through the same maturity processes that you are.

Edited June 22, 2009 by Godless

[Tarnished]

Love, it is one of those things that takes you so very high, and yet will also take you so very low. Yes, love has always hurt, over all the years love has taken and broken many hearts. There is a reason Cupid is shown with arrows because sometimes love can hurt. But being hurt doesn’t last forever; eventually the pain dulls and fades.

Closing yourself up and guarding your heart with steel traps is not the way to go though. Remember that though love can hurt it can also cause great joy. I would advise instead to just be careful, or rather don’t go out looking for relationships; instead go out looking for friends. Focus on school and on planning where your life is going to go and things will work out. Remember, closing yourself up so as to not be hurt again is a great way of staying single for a long time.

I am/was very similar to you, I went off to college wanting to find someone right away. I fell in love easily and fell hard. Which meant that I got hurt a lot as well. Finally after a semester of crashing and burning relationship wise I gave up on it all, I decided that I wasn’t going to focus on trying to find someone, instead I was going to focus on life and living it. It was the next semester that I met my husband. Now I am not saying that this happens to everyone, but very often when you stop focusing on finding a mate one finds you.

Regarding the guy you have fallen for, my advice would be to keep him in the back of your mind, keep in touch with him if you want but like he said, just stay friends. Allow yourself to back up from the situation a bit. Love does this funny thing, when we are in love all the faults and flaws in our become undetectable for us, the whole world could see that the relationship will never work out but with our rose colored glasses on we can’t see any of it. If you are really attached to this guy then use these next two years. Keep in contact with him and get to know him as a friend. You may learn as you become friends that it would have never worked out. But you may also just find that you want to wait for him and get together with him after all. Keep your options open though, you don’t want to chance losing another perfect opportunity just because you are so focused on one guy.

Overall the dating scene is like a battlefield, there are victories that turn into losses and losses that lead to victories, but when you finally get to the end of the battle and climb out exhausted but happy with your new spouse you will be so glad to be done with it all.

[ladykemma2]

I thought I'd post this here, so any adults who are wiser with this subject may help. Because I don't feel any YSA could help me now. No offense. That's why adults and older individuals are so awesome. so much knowledge and experience.

On May 1st 2009, I thought I was just going to a fun YSA activity. Little did I know, I'd meet the most wonderful guy ever...who would lead me to me to feel so much pain...and yet so much joy and absolute contentedness when I talk to him.

A few weeks before, my friend from AL, told me they were having a YSA activity, that was supposed to be a total blast. At first i wasn't sure about going, or if I'd even be able to get work off..almost didn't. I figured this would be a great time for me to spend time with her since she moved away from me for school..plus have a little fun, right? No harm..right? So me and another friend head over to stay with her for the weekend. That night we attend this awesome activity. We got rollerskating, laser tag, all great stuff. We then head over to the church to have some refreshments. This is where I meet him.

I had won these micro mini Uno cards. I walk over to show my friend, and he notices. Him sitting at the end of the table. He speaks up saying how small they are, and then I walk over to introduce myself. He immediately mentions how much he loves my hair. I have colored it red recently. He asked if it was my natural color..hehe I tell him the truth. He then asks if we can play Uno. I go get some food and come back, and me, him, and another girl play it. He then pulls that one hilarious, smooooooth line.."Some people collect stamps..I collect phone numbers." hahaha So I find him funny and all, and give him my number.

Well a couple of weeks go by, and I find out that my sister and brother found a house for us to live in, where I have been planning on moving. Well he finds out and decides he wants to visit for a weekend. Well he comes and he's just so awesome, goofy, funny, sweet. Well I can tell he likes me too...it's so obvious it IS funny. Anyway, he comes to see me for a day before i leave..he's two hours away btw. Well we have a great day together...anyway when he gets back, we're talking online one night. And I say too bad, I'll be 4 hours away, and he says. "Yeah don't remind me. But we can still be friends." My heart cracks. I have already let my guard down...and fallen head over heels, and he sticks his foot out and I fall flat on my face into concrete. I'm not one to forget about things easily, and it bothers me that he was so into me, and all the sudden he hits me with this. I tell him that i thought we were both interested in each other. He says he does like me, but doesn't think it's a good idea for him to be in a relationship right now, because he's about to start flight school in the army. So we have a long discussion. I get depressed for some weeks. And we talk almost every night, and he greets me with things like "Hello beautiful." And he obviously likes me I THINK as much as I do for him.

My dilemma is, he's going to be stationed in AL for 1 year and a half - 2 yrs. So I want to just go to school and work, and see how things go...but I'm not a patient person...so should I just completely forget about him? How can I forget someone I connected with so perfectly though? I tried desperately not to have feelings for him, mainly because he's in the Army and could leave to who knows where after these 2 years...But I feel it's impossible to control the heart. I hate it. And there's times when I wish I never met him, even though he's been such a good influence on me, and it's hard to want to only be friends with him. *Sigh* I feel really immature right now. I sound like some naive teenager don't I? I just need to learn how to close my heart, and not let anyone in I guess...because I am naive...naive and a fool.. Anyway..if anyone has some great advice, or has any situations similar to this for me..I'd appreciate it.

well, he didn't lead you on. from what i read there were no proclamations of undying love, just a few enjoyable days, then i have to off to the army now. he had good boundaries.

[Edelweiss]

Thank you so much, Tarnished. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Your words are very true. I think the reason a lot of us are rushed into love, is because of people. I have a fault with seeing all these happy couples, and never having that of my own. And then family and friends always asking me, so you have someone special? You dating anyone? Or When are you going to get married? yadda yadda yadda. I try to ignore it..it's difficult, but I'll keep trying. It helps that I'm in a singles ward with people actually older than me, and single..So I don't feel so alone, than when I was in my family ward, back home.

It's just going to take some time.

Thank you for your response. *hug*

Thank you for all your responses. I think yesterday when I read them, I wasn't ready to take in what I didn't want to hear...even though I knew all along really. Thank you all. This morning I think I'm ready to begin to let go.

[Guest]

Here's a cliche...

If you love somebody, let him go. If he comes back, then he's yours, if he doesn't, then he was never yours in the first place.

And...

It is better to have loved completely and lost than never having loved at all.

Sorry, I have nothing much to contribute. I'm a go get him kind of girl... but I had my priorities all mapped out - finish my engineering degree, get a good paying job, look for a guy. When I found him, I did not let go at all... :-)

[Heavenguard]

Edelweiss, what you described sounded so similar to something that happened to me last year. Great guy - attractive, kind-hearted, we had lots of fun together, obvious flirting, and when I was expecting us to "officially" get together (I decided if he wasn't going to bring it up, I would), instead the talk was about how he hadn't planned on having a girlfriend, and wanted to focus on his career, schooling, getting a place instead, can we be friends...

It took a while for me to realize this, but this is what I learned and understood in the end:

He just wasn't prepared or ready for a relationship.

His mind and heart were not in that place, it would have been a disaster afterwards. The army is his conscientious focus: you would have found yourself second place to that. The military is extremely demanding, mentally, physically, emotionally (and even spiritually). If he didn't entirely 100% (even 90% would not be good enough) have the dedication to go through a distance relationship with you while in the army, it was the right decision for him to not pursue things further with you, because you would have gotten more hurt.

It is not a reflection on you.

The decision to join the army is not a small one - trust me, I tried before (to join - another story for another day). He likely had this planned out way in advance and had his mind set on it for a long time. And it may not be that he doesn't want to be with you, but... again, point one: the army is so demanding, he may not even think himself remotely able to handle both at the same time. The part that is reflective of you is that he likes you. His decision to not be with you has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with where his focus is.

What you need to actively do is set boundaries. It is no longer acceptable for him to flirt with you or greet you by saying things like Hello Beautiful. The gentleman I was talking about in my example used to tickle my sides, which is very flirtatious, and when he went for it one time after the "no deal" talk, I just told him straight up "You're not allowed to do that anymore", and he's since always respected that.

You might be different, but I needed a period of time to not be his friend. We spoke little for about 3 months, and after that a little bit more at a time. It may be helpful for you to actually bring up the topic and straight up tell him that he should not have been so openly flirting with you if he didn't intend anything and ask him to own up to it (ie apologize). (I don't know how much or how far your guy went with it, but mine had watching tv arms around my waist - very little to misread.)

We're on the same softball team (that's how I met him last year), and even now when I see him I am still attracted to him, and sometimes think a little bit about the "what if", or sometimes I think about how his actions hurt me. But I know it wouldn't have worked then, and it still wouldn't now, being that neither of us have changed. I also know that he didn't mean to hurt me, but he was going with his feelings and decided he needed to stop when he realized he was leading me on. So now we're friends. Certainly, it does feel uncomfortable sometimes (more and more frequently at the beginning), but it's up to you to decide if the friendship is worth salvaging through the awkward, uncomfortable, and even hurtful moments.

You shouldn't have the intention to Wait for him unless you both talk about it and agree to it. Even then, he may be a different person in two years. I think it would be best to be open to the idea of 'maybe or maybe not' in the future, but not actually expect or hope for it. In the meanwhile, go look for some other great guys

[Islander]

Well thanks for your reply...I honestly have to say I don't really feel any better, but thank you anyway. I understand what you mean...I know I'm 19 and still young, and I think what troubles me most is that my siblings are between the ages of 25-30 and still unmarried, and I guess it scares me to be alone for the rest of my life. Ok, now that makes it sound like I'm itching for someone, but before I met this guy, I hadn't been interested in anyone for over a year. I'm not picky, it's just I'm so different from everyone that it's difficult for me to find any guys that I connect with...which is why this one was so rare for me. And Like all the times before never is going anywhere. I've almost decided to give up. I've been getting hurt my whole dating years..and before that...sure that's not long, but I'm so sick of relationships never working out. I feel I've never had a decent, happy relationship in my life. I thought that at LEAST have a bloody chance...but nope! Not again...so I feel like any guy who starts getting close to me, I just want to push him away. I'm afraid to get hurt. I'm sick of the pain. I mean did people have been getting married since the beginning of time....has it always been this hard. It seems that people are more focused on school and work than...love. I know that school is important, but what are you going to do when you're alone after school?

You are NOT in love, you can't possibly be since you went out on 1 date with this guy that you barely know. You are seriously infatuated with him and you have allowed your fantasies to run wild after just a few days. There lies your problem. Your attachment and relationship needs are driving you insane at present. It makes you quite vulnerable and even when he told you he is not interested you keep fantasizing about the "relationship" which doe snot exist.

You should consider talking to a pro about these issues. You could find yourself in a sea of trouble if you don't.

[deals_dog]

You are in that time of life where the last thing you need is a steady relationship. Get into education focus on preparing yourself for a great future. When the time is right things will fall into place. Have you thought about going on a full time mission. I did years ago and have nothing but admiration for the Sisters who were in my mission they were fantastic.

[rameumptom]

any relationship is tough. It is especially tough when you are young and inexperienced in how to deal with emotions. We get into a youthful relationship, where both people put forth their best, and we "fall" in love. That isn't real love. That is just chemicals within our body giving us a pleasant emotional experience to encourage us into considering a longterm relationship. If you "fall" in love, you can also "fall" out of love.

True love is based on more than just some wonderful chemical Endorphins floating around our brain and body. It has to be based upon truth and strong foundational principles. Alma taught Shiblon to "bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love" (Alma 38:12). Too many people allow their passions to burn hot, but then they flame out. True love comes when our passions are bridled.

2 Nephi 2 teaches us that agency is given by Christ to us, so that we may "act and not be acted upon." We are to choose our thoughts, our actions AND our emotions. I love because I CHOOSE to love, not because I have a chemical reaction occurring in my body.

Secondly, it is important to get to really know the other person. Enter into a relationship with your eyes wide open, and a marriage with your eyes half-closed. This means you have to be aware of who the person really is. Too many people display themselves as wonderful during courtship, but then the real monster comes out after the marriage ceremony. Get to know all of his/her quirks before hand, and determine if you are willing to overlook/deal with those quirks forever.

So far, you've suggested that with your few meetings with the guy, you've been upset a few times. Are such issues going to be a major impact on you AFTER marriage? If so, then you are better off finding someone more suitable to you. If not, then discuss it and make the changes now, before the relationship gets bigger.

He was honest with you in explaining his current goals. The reality is, being in a relationship with someone in the military is hard. I was in the USAF for 20 years, and I know it wasn't easy on my family when I was gone.

That said, take the relationship slowly. Build the friendship first. In building the friendship, even long distance, you will find if he truly is the kind of person you'd like to spend forever with. And don't stop dating others in the meantime. Use the time to get to know other guys, see what strengths and weaknesses in them you need to watch for in the guy of your dreams (or the guy in your nightmares).