Not sure which way to go

[mlbrowninwa]

I'm writing this both mad and confused. Last night while my wife was at work, I wasn't feeling well. I asked my son to do a load of laundry to help me out. Came back downstairs after laying down for a couple hours to find no one had moved from the tv. Simply asked if he could hurry up as I needed the shirts for today. He blew up, said it wasn't his job etc. etc. After a long argument it came out that while he was back in VA with my wife last week, he questions a couple things about the church and she responded in not a supportive manner, but took the opportunity to downgrade and take shots at it. Hardly the supportive stance she had promised. Before it was over he was even cussing me. The questions he was raising too her were about stuff like the churches stance on body piercing and tattoos. For one, my wife is opposed to this type stuff anyway, and he's not going to have either while living under my support, regardless of what the church thinks about it. Things were brought up about my personal studies not only of the LDS church, but religion in general.

When my wife came home she got in the middle of it and in my view helped with the attack on me. After thinking about it i realize that all these fights and things come from things that I would like to have in life such as church, a clean house, help with cores, etc. I don't think that I should have to work 12 hours a day and then come home and do everything else when i have two healthy teenagers at home. Don't think my wife should have to either as she works more than i do. But every time I ask for help or bring something up it ends up causing what happened last night and i always end up being the odd man out. It is quite obvious to me from last night that I am on my own with this. So I guess my question is, would i be better to just forget about it and do every thing myself? I feel like I have been having this battle for years, and maybe for the sake of the family I should just quit asking for help and find ways to complete the jobs myself. And how do I stamp down the anger I feel when I have to go this route? I thought we were getting better, but I guess i was wrong. Thanks in advance for any advice.

[beefche]

Sounds to me like you have 2 issues here: teens not helping around the house and issues regarding the church and your wife.

I really think you and your wife need to sit down and talk about what both of you expect regarding your kids and how they help around the house. Frankly, your son was very disrespectful when he blew up at you for asking him to help out. I'm not sure if she realized what the argument between you and your son was really about since she walked into the middle of it. She just heard accusations about the church and probably focused on that.

Then I think you should talk to your son about his issues with church. Help him find his own way regarding testimony and knowledge. Maybe ask for help from a leader at church your son admires.

I'm not sure talking to your wife will be helpful. I think in situations like yours, example speaks louder than words. My dad hated the church (and refused my mom to go) for years. It took patience and gentleness for him to soften. He still isn't a member, but he has a home teacher that he likes and visits him (my mom died 2.5 years ago). That is vastly different from when I was a kid and he would kick home teachers out of the house.

Good luck, brother. Teens are tough no matter what religion or creed.

[ViolinGirl]

I'm not sure how to respond regarding your family's opinions on the church; however, I think it's necessary for you to remind your children that being a member of a family is a responsibility. If these were my kids, the next time they needed to borrow the car or wanted money to buy a new CD or wanted to hang out with friends, the answer would be 'no, you forfeited your privileges the other day when you didn't bother to help me with the laundry.' I'd also stop doing their laundry for them. When they run out of clean underwear, they'll get the message loud and clear.

[ryanh]

would i be better to just forget about it and do every thing myself?

No IMO. It would not be fair to you, AND it would not be fair to them. I would suggest the same thing that ViolinGirl suggested, do your own laundry (or yours and your wifes), and that way they have an opportunity to learn - as opposed to doing it all yourself and denying them of that opportunity.

As you already identified, going the route of doing it all yourself will complicate the situation with more anger (and resentment). In reality, what is needed is for everyone to take a step back and calm down, and learn how to live with one another peacably, right?

[kiwii]

I'm writing this both mad and confused. Last night while my wife was at work, I wasn't feeling well. I asked my son to do a load of laundry to help me out. Came back downstairs after laying down for a couple hours to find no one had moved from the tv. Simply asked if he could hurry up as I needed the shirts for today. He blew up, said it wasn't his job etc. etc. After a long argument it came out that while he was back in VA with my wife last week, he questions a couple things about the church and she responded in not a supportive manner, but took the opportunity to downgrade and take shots at it. Hardly the supportive stance she had promised. Before it was over he was even cussing me. The questions he was raising too her were about stuff like the churches stance on body piercing and tattoos. For one, my wife is opposed to this type stuff anyway, and he's not going to have either while living under my support, regardless of what the church thinks about it. Things were brought up about my personal studies not only of the LDS church, but religion in general.

1. I'd make it his job, and tell him exactly why.. citing the incident you described above.

2. I'd get rid of the television. He can earn it back by maintaining the laundry. (or, if it were me, a multitude of other household maintenance chores.)

You asked how you can stamp down the anger. I think, rather, a balance needs to be achieved so that you are not in a position of being dominated by your children. Maybe family counseling would help in this regard?

[mlbrowninwa]

In reality, what is needed is for everyone to take a step back and calm down, and learn how to live with one another peacably, right?

Yeah that should be the end result. I am not going to do their stuff or worry about their rooms and such anymore. They're old enough to handle that themselves. I can and will cut off the money tap as well. One thing that I am going to have to deal with is taking over and dealing with the cleaning of living area, kitchen, etc. I like things clean and picked up. Don't like to see dog hair, dust, etc. mainly due to the fact that I am allergic to both, but have a dog anyway. Rest of the family doesn't really care about it, might vacuum once a week if we're lucky and nothing ever gets put away. I can put up with that for about a week before it becomes a problem for me. As this has been a problem forever, and i have talked with everyone as to why I like things and need things this way, i don't think this is going change. This may come for our upbringing though. My parents house was always clean and tidy, and my wife's, lets just say not. So this is not viewed as a big deal to the rest of the family members, but as i told my son last night, if you respected me you would help out regardless if you think it is needed or not.

Edited August 7, 2009 by mlbrowninwa

[talisyn]

Rebellious hormonal teenages, eek

Your kids need to clean up, religious questions or not. Or if they wanna put a religious spin on it remind them that cleanliness is next to Godliness ^^

[kiwii]

In another forum, someone recommended a book by Harriet Lerner, called The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate. The author is apparently well known for another book called, The Dance of Anger. I ordered both from the library and just got the Connection one so far. It's pretty interesting.

[ryanh]

Another thought I had, (although not the best for the kids' learning to take on responsibilites) is to hire a house cleaning service. Seems that both you and your wife are VERY busy, and not having to deal with household chores could allow you to spend more quality time with your children. Just a thought.

[FunkyTown]

Your son has learned something: He can get out of doing what he doesn't want to do by causing fights.

Don't let him. When he tries to change the subject, be calm and say 'We can certainly discuss that when we're done with this. We're discussing you doing the laundry.'

He'll try to change the subject back to whatever he thinks he can attack you with.

Keep calmly going back to the real issue and say 'We're not discussing that right now. We're discussing the laundry.'

Your son truly believes what it is that he's saying and most likely doesn't even think he's doing it, but it's typical spoiled behaviour: Start a fight you know you can win.

[Guest Believer_1829]

Start selling stuff you've bought for them throughout their lives on E-Bay. When they complain and ask why tell them, "Payment for all of your chores that I have been doing."

But I really like something I have heard before...

When they are gone, clean out their room, except for a blanket and pillow. When they complain, tell them, "I paid for all this stuff and until you start pulling your weight, I have taken possession of it."

[FairChild]

FunkyTown, what great advice. When did you get so wise?

[Guest missingsomething]

I would suggest first getting on the same page with your wife... either through talking things out or counseling or things such as the love dare.... that to me is your biggest problem.

Kids, esp. teens love to divide and conquer.

Dont give in... you have a responsibility as a parent to make your children understand choice and accountability. Try to sit down with your wife and at least work on one thing at a time... kids have xx xxx chores to do and if they dont do them by xx time then they get xx punishment.

And pray. Try to patiently endure this. You are not alone. Many housewives would admit you into the club as it is easy to feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated. But first unite with your wife then conquer the kids/mess/house.

Good luck :)

[antsyl]

sit your family down and ask them to pray with you. Teens are a hairy bunch. Let them know that you love them all and work very hard to provide for them. Remind them that you are the head of the household and that you are responsible for everything that goes on in the home. You and your wife have to be of one chord. It kinda sounds like your kids know who to go to to get what. So they ganged up and then it ran over into your faith. Problems come when the children see one thing on Sunday and something different on Monday. Pray with your wife and for her, not at her. I do know how you feel.

I have a son also. You love them and they think they are entitled to everything. They dont understand that you give out of love and they should give out of love also.

Im sorry you have this problem. Trust me, you are not alone. Satan goes around like a lion seeking to destroy, and the head of the home is always his first target. He gets four for the price of one.

Pray against his attacks.

[mlbrowninwa]

“At times our children may not be in possession of a good spirit; but if the parent continues to possess the good Spirit, the children will have the bad spirit but a short time.”

Brigham Young

I think I will try to keep the above quote in mind when dealing with my kids at home. Keeping quotes in my mind help keep my sanity at work, maybe I need to do the same at home.