Please help me? Please!!?

[Sljf1017]

So I know there are alot of posts like this. But I need encouragement and know that there are real people out there who have had the same problem. Me and my boyfriend have broken the law of chastity. Enough to count on two hands. I felt guilty every time and so did he. We stopped for months I can't remember the last time we did it. But recently we did it again. We have been talking about marraige and even picked out a ring. But obviously we can't enter the temple. If this has happened to you or a related problem please tell me what YOU and your bf gf ended up doing. I'll eventually go to the bish. I just need to know that people have had these problems and everything worked out. And how you knew you were fully forgiven. I always feel bad when I pray. Like I am not worthy to feel the spirit or be close with my father. Can we get married in the temple?

[Jbs2763]

are either of you endowed? have you considered a civil marrige first?

uhm outside of that...im just a pup myself, compared to some around here, but you need to start by going to the bishop, and maybe have him marry you...dunno just a random thought

[Sljf1017]

No we aren't endowed. And we would rather just get married in the temple first. Instead of getting a civil marraige. How long will it take until we can get married in the temple? One question I forgot to ask. Thanks for your reply!!

[Jbs2763]

from civil to temple is 1 year, and considering the situation, you might just have to swallow your pride and let the old broads in RS gossip about why you had a civil marriage in the bishops backyard...my thought on those folks is EFF EM...and depending on where you live, you get an apartment across the street you may be in a diffent stake

but if you are outside of utah...if y'all do the right thing and get hitched..there will be chatter in the home ward....but who cares? really? i know they've talked about me...but im a butthead....ask any girl i've dated lol

IMHO, i think y'all should see the bishop, have him marry you, wait the year and then get sealed....

assuming you are both over 18...etc....as far as to how long you have to be "clean" before going to the temple...not sure

[Guest SmarterBlue]

Talking to you bishop is probably the best idea. I would encourage your bf to do the same. I hope that both of see the seriousness of your actions and make an honest effort to make things right. The fact that you feel guilty suggests to me that you want to do the right thing and repent.

As for getting married in the temple that is something you, your bf, and your bishop will have to work out. I hate to say this but your bf will also have to come clean as well.

When I come across situations like this I find that praying, and seeking the will of our Heavenly Father, not my own, makes me feel better.

[Guest JoshDwellington]

Hey OP,

before anything, go talk to your bishop first.

I cannot stress how important it is

Josh

[Honor]

The whole point of a bishop interviewing someone to get a temple recommend is to protect the individual. If someone is not living their life in a way that would help them be able to keep the very serious covenants that are made in the temple, it would not be wise, for them to do so. We've been told that making those covenants unworthily is making a mockery of God, and that the violation of such brings upon you His wrath. I don't believe that it's right for couples to rush to a temple marriage because you are afraid of breaking commandments. The decision to marry is so much more complex than deciding to have sex. I know the reasons why we are encouraged to aim for the temple first, but I think the decision to be sealed to someone and enter into such weighty covenants SHOULD NOT hinge on the fact that it seems near impossible to wait to have that physical aspect of your relationship. Quite the catch 22.

Anyway, I realize that this isn't referring to the OP's exact situation. I personally have a hard time actually saying, "It's fine to go get married civilly so you don't mess up" but looking at the situation - you're probably already going to have a bit of a wait before you could go to the temple, and you two need to decide (with the help of your bishop's counsel) what the realistic choice here is. We ARE supposed to do our best and not make excuses for falling short, but I think there are some realistic changes and solutions that can be found. Putting yourself in the same situation over and over when you have a good idea from previous experience of the likely outcome doesn't make any sense to me. Something has to change. What that is, is up to you.

To echo everyone else, start with talking to your bishop. Every bishop that I've had has been very real and understanding when helping me make choices and attempt to change things in my life to reach higher toward a Heavenly goal. I've NEVER had a bishop say or heard of a case where a bishop has looked at someone in his office and said, "Oh my gosh.... you did WHAT?!" and stamp their membership file with "Lost cause!"

I hope that you and your boyfriend are able to make the decisions that you need to and keep the covenants that you have and will make with the help of our Heavenly Father and the Atonement of His son. Regardless of how it feels sometimes, our mortal experience is intended to be more than a series of face plants over the same obstacle until we die. You will get past this one way or another. :)

[Misshalfway]

The best encouragement I can give you is to take responsibility for your actions and feel the strength in doing so. That is the direction that you will find the most comfort. Don't seek to excuse your behavior. Going to the bishop and being humble to whatever the recommended course is the best thing for both you and your bf.

No one seeks to condemn you. Not the bishop....not the members. I think some previous posters underestimate people a bit. I believe bishops what to help heal (thru the atonement) whatever it was inside of you that caused you to slip in the first place so that you won't feel the compulsion again....so that your disposition will be changed and the desire for that evil wiped away.

Getting married in the temple takes much in the way of spiritual preparation. It takes more than just desire.....and more prep than just getting married so that you can "do it" legally. Think about that as you weigh your righteous desires. Getting married civily might be a great step towards your more eternal goals, but don't forget the spiritual work you both need to do upon your hearts and minds in terms of raising yourselves to higher standards. If nothing else, the temple is all about higher standards and one must be prepared to be trust with and to enjoy those blessings.

Don't worry what anyone else thinks. This isn't their business and you don't owe anyone an explanation except God. Marriage is a happy thing! And if this is the person you want to spend your life with, then go and be happy. And get things sorted so that your behaviors match the pattern of happiness.

Best wishes.

[MorningStar]

You said you're going to talk to your bishop eventually. What are you waiting for? Right now I would say stop focusing on whether you can get married in the temple or not and focus on repentance. I think making such a big decision while this is weighing on your soul probably isn't the greatest idea.

[Danite]

What's keeping you from having a civil marriage now? Going to the temple unworthly will only heap more pain guilt and sin on your head. Talk to both your Bishops if your in different wards The fact that you've done this many times is going to be considered by your Bishop. I think should get married civilly and work towards a temple marriage, But of above all talk to your Bishop

[rameumptom]

You need to do one of two things:

Either break up or get married. You obviously cannot stay bf/gf and stay chaste. The temple is going to be out for at least a year or more for the two of you, so don't worry about that issue.

Get in to see your bishops. Start repenting. And choose between a civil married relationship or an ended relationship now. You have already shown that you cannot live in the twilight middle, so stop trying to do so. Marriage or no relationship.

If you choose marriage, do it soon and civilly. Then continue your repentance and prepare for a temple marriage as soon as you are worthy and eligible to go.

If you choose to end the relationship, then spend your time repenting and preparing for the temple. Do not enter into any new relationships until you have gotten past the current repentance requirements of your bishop. Focus on group dates, and friendships - no single dating, no going steady, etc. You also cannot kiss or hug, as that is the beginning to lead to worse things. You must become so celibate that you are like Catholic nuns in a cloistered nunnery.

Then after repentance, you can begin to date slowly again. But you have to draw the lines before dating. No steady dating alone, always in groups, only a good night kiss (ONE kiss). You are now dating with the intent of going to the temple someday. New rules that are extremely regimented, because Satan will seek to get his toe in the door and bring you down again.

So choose, and choose quickly: Civil marriage now, or end the relationship.

[ladykemma2]

this has happened a couple of times on my ward. the bish gave 'em til friday to get married.

edit: i wanted to add: the temple is heavy duty, don't go until you are ready.

Edited August 17, 2009 by ladykemma2

[lost87]

it seems really stupid to me to get married just because you have a hard time not having sex. I am in a similar situation and would NEVER consider it. I even asked my bishop if that is something i should consider and he said rather emphatically that choosing marriage because of guilt is a VERY bad idea and that he would strongly caution against it. I think it is possible to stay in the relationship and work towards repentance...you said you went several months being good, so what was it that helped you stay that way? Create VERY strict rules (like not being together alone EVER, or not laying down together EVER, or never being out together past midnight, etc...make the rules so strict that there is no possible way that you can make a mistake) and stick to them....

What you REALLY need to do though before you consider any advice you read on this post is speak to both of your bishops. They are the only ones who can give you advice that will help you. They have the authority to know exactly what you need, what he needs, and what the relationship between the two of you need. No other question is worth asking before you talk to them....your bishop is sweet and kind and loves you and will tell you what will be best, trust that the instruction is coming from the Lord THROUGH him. Pray very often and read a lot...thats what i have found to be helpful. First and foremost...make the appointment with your bishop, tonight if possible....You can do this, but you'll need his help.

[ladykemma2]

it seems really stupid to me to get married just because you have a hard time not having sex. I am in a similar situation and would NEVER consider it. I even asked my bishop if that is something i should consider and he said rather emphatically that choosing marriage because of guilt is a VERY bad idea and that he would strongly caution against it. I think it is possible to stay in the relationship and work towards repentance...you said you went several months being good, so what was it that helped you stay that way? Create VERY strict rules (like not being together alone EVER, or not laying down together EVER, or never being out together past midnight, etc...make the rules so strict that there is no possible way that you can make a mistake) and stick to them....

What you REALLY need to do though before you consider any advice you read on this post is speak to both of your bishops. They are the only ones who can give you advice that will help you. They have the authority to know exactly what you need, what he needs, and what the relationship between the two of you need. No other question is worth asking before you talk to them....your bishop is sweet and kind and loves you and will tell you what will be best, trust that the instruction is coming from the Lord THROUGH him. Pray very often and read a lot...thats what i have found to be helpful. First and foremost...make the appointment with your bishop, tonight if possible....You can do this, but you'll need his help.

the people who were told to get married were going to get married anyway...

[FairChild]

Are you getting married because you feel guilty, or are you getting married because it is the right thing for both of you to do?

[Guest missingsomething]

So I know there are alot of posts like this. But I need encouragement and know that there are real people out there who have had the same problem. Me and my boyfriend have broken the law of chastity. Enough to count on two hands. I felt guilty every time and so did he. We stopped for months I can't remember the last time we did it. But recently we did it again. We have been talking about marraige and even picked out a ring. But obviously we can't enter the temple. If this has happened to you or a related problem please tell me what YOU and your bf gf ended up doing. I'll eventually go to the bish. I just need to know that people have had these problems and everything worked out. And how you knew you were fully forgiven. I always feel bad when I pray. Like I am not worthy to feel the spirit or be close with my father. Can we get married in the temple?

Praying about your relationship and going to the bishop and surviving the hard times is a good idea if you will be able to work together to do the even HARDER stuff that marriage throws at you.

We cant answer that in my opinion, not even a bishop can answer that..he can counsel but cant say - yes or no to marrying someone or um well he can, im just not sure its *always* his place- and the peace you are seeking will only come when you talk to the bishop and confess your sins and then work to firmly cease them..even the petting part...(for which you can be fully forgiven if you strictly follow his counsel) and if you pray with an open mind for an answer on your BF.

Just be sure to ask yourself....are you doing this so you can be close without feeling bad... or that youve already broken the law of chasity so it wont be so bad if you marry him... or if you are marrying him because its just the expected/familiar thing to do.

Good luck. And dont put yourself in a position to be tempted again.

Edited August 18, 2009 by missingsomething

[Guest missingsomething]

have you considered a civil marrige first?

Marriage is REALLY hard... so here's a thought... why not .... NOT do the civil wedding and use this time to prepare your relationship for the sacrifices and challenges that ETERNAL marriage means.

Afterall, if its going to "last" for eternity - it can last the 1 yr or so until you can get married in the temple!

[Guest missingsomething]

from civil to temple is 1 year, and considering the situation, you might just have to swallow your pride and let the old broads in RS gossip about why you had a civil marriage in the bishops backyard...my thought on those folks is EFF EM...and depending on where you live, you get an apartment across the street you may be in a diffent stake

but if you are outside of utah...if y'all do the right thing and get hitched..there will be chatter in the home ward....but who cares? really? i know they've talked about me...but im a butthead....ask any girl i've dated lol

IMHO, i think y'all should see the bishop, have him marry you, wait the year and then get sealed....

assuming you are both over 18...etc....as far as to how long you have to be "clean" before going to the temple...not sure

JBS... why is a civil marriage better in your opinion? So they can freely um.. have sex and it not be a sin? You know I love you buddy - Im not trying to come off harsh - Im truly curious. :) ANd I have to get info from you about a certain pa person by the way...

[rameumptom]

MissingSomething,

They've already entered into a relationship that should be reserved for marriage. They have sinned several times, and it looks like this will continue if major changes do not occur.

Their best option, if they are planning marriage, is to go ahead and civilly marry, so that they can avoid the temptations. What if one or both are excommunicated or disfellowshipped for years? Should they patiently wait for a temple marriage? It is better for them to civilly marry than to burn. A temple marriage will be later, only AFTER repentance. But they do not need the additional burden of trying to maintain a relationship already burdened with the habit of sin, when they can marry and no longer have that burden upon them. At that point, they can then focus on repentance, and eventually the temple.

If they do not marry civilly, then they need to break up. They just cannot have that sin hanging over them, tempting them every time they see each other. They've fallen to temptation before, and chances are big Satan will find their weak spot again.

A Terrestrial marriage with the goal of a Celestial sealing, is much better than a Telestial relationship that goes nowhere.

[Guest missingsomething]

MissingSomething,

They've already entered into a relationship that should be reserved for marriage. They have sinned several times, and it looks like this will continue if major changes do not occur.

Their best option, if they are planning marriage, is to go ahead and civilly marry, so that they can avoid the temptations. What if one or both are excommunicated or disfellowshipped for years? Should they patiently wait for a temple marriage? It is better for them to civilly marry than to burn. A temple marriage will be later, only AFTER repentance. But they do not need the additional burden of trying to maintain a relationship already burdened with the habit of sin, when they can marry and no longer have that burden upon them. At that point, they can then focus on repentance, and eventually the temple.

If they do not marry civilly, then they need to break up. They just cannot have that sin hanging over them, tempting them every time they see each other. They've fallen to temptation before, and chances are big Satan will find their weak spot again.

A Terrestrial marriage with the goal of a Celestial sealing, is much better than a Telestial relationship that goes nowhere.

Thank you for your response Ram - I was actually hoping for Jbs who I talk to and would know I wasnt being combative to answer... but Yes Ram - I got that point - I disagree with it. Wholely and completely and I cant recall ONE TIME in my life being taught this from a conference address, ensign article, local authority or even a bishop.

I dont believe there *should* be one bishop that says... well you know you are going to sin so go ahead and get married JUST so it wont be a sin. Especially when marriage is one of the MOST SACRED ordinances we are to undertake. Sex is hardly a reason to rush that decision or be the reason to enter into it. That was the point I was making.

And furthermore -she has expressed a desire to GO to the temple and to get worthy to do so.... how dare any of us discourage her from this. I believe in the power of the atonement more than this! And we are told in the scriptures we can overcome any temptation with the Lord's help. And as I suggested to her - dont allow yourself to be put into a temptation type sitaution... ie being alone with him for any length of time. I also know that marriage is very hard and if they can over come this - then they will have gained valuable skills to overcome all the other forces that can tear a marriage apart.

But , I did go search for any doctrine to back up your point of view.... I couldnt find any - could you please post something? All I found was the following:

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Personal Purity

I looked for counsel to back this up -

and then this....

In direct contrast to the permissive voices above comes a voice of authority from the Lord’s church:

“… Man is a biological unit,” said President J. Reuben Clark, Jr., “an animal, but he is more than this, he is the temple of an immortal spirit; that spirit can be defiled by the flesh, and defilement comes when the laws of chastity are violated.

“Our very civilization itself is based upon chastity, the sanctity of marriage, and the holiness of the home. Destroy these and Christian man becomes a brute.

“… the family relationship continues through eternity. It is the loftiest and most sacred human relationship we know.” (Conference Report, October 1938, p. 137.)

The voice of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in unmistakable terms warns:

“… sexual sin—the illicit sexual relations of men and women—stands, in its enormity, next to murder. The Lord has drawn no essential distinctions between fornication, adultery, and harlotry or prostitution. Each has fallen under his solemn and awful condemnation. … [such cannot] … escape the punishments and the judgments which the Lord has declared against this sin. The day of reckoning will come just as certainly as night follows day.”

Then speaking of those who condone and justify evil whether from press or microphone or pulpit, they continue:

“They who would palliate this crime and say that such indulgence is but a sinless gratification of a normal desire, like appeasing hunger and thirst, speak filthiness with their lips. Their counsel leads to destruction; their wisdom comes from the father of lies.” (Message of the First Presidency to the Church, Improvement Era, November 1942, page 686.)

****OP - If you want the temple marriage - go for it. Talk to your bishop and as I said before, be willing to strictly follow his counsel. You only have to wait as long as needed to gain repentence - the year wait is if you go ahead and do the civil marriage. Good luck to you - I wish you the best of luck. I know that it is a very difficult thing you two must face. I hope that this can strengthen your relationship and actually turn into blessings for a future marriage. Just seek the Lord in Prayer and then listen and be willing to accept His answers. :) Sincerely - Good luck!!!***

Edited August 18, 2009 by missingsomething
duh, I had the same sentence twice. lol

[Jbs2763]

JBS... why is a civil marriage better in your opinion? So they can freely um.. have sex and it not be a sin? You know I love you buddy - Im not trying to come off harsh - Im truly curious. :) ANd I have to get info from you about a certain pa person by the way...

i said that cause they said they already wanna get married, just gotta "keep it holstered' if you will till they can stay worthly long enough to enter the temple, if they are gonna get married, wanna get married, why not go ahead and get it done

[Guest missingsomething]

i said that cause they said they already wanna get married, just gotta "keep it holstered' if you will till they can stay worthly long enough to enter the temple, if they are gonna get married, wanna get married, why not go ahead and get it done

Ok, gotcha... and by the way I SO need a LOL button- "holstered".... but understand, I disagree with that... although, can i steal the "holstered" comment?

[Jbs2763]

Ok, gotcha... and by the way I SO need a LOL button- "holstered".... but understand, I disagree with that... although, can i steal the "holstered" comment?

feel free

[lost87]

But , I did go search for any doctrine to back up your point of view.... I couldnt find any - could you please post something? All I found was the following:

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Personal Purity

I looked for counsel to back this up -

and then this....

In direct contrast to the permissive voices above comes a voice of authority from the Lord’s church:

“… Man is a biological unit,” said President J. Reuben Clark, Jr., “an animal, but he is more than this, he is the temple of an immortal spirit; that spirit can be defiled by the flesh, and defilement comes when the laws of chastity are violated.

“Our very civilization itself is based upon chastity, the sanctity of marriage, and the holiness of the home. Destroy these and Christian man becomes a brute.

“… the family relationship continues through eternity. It is the loftiest and most sacred human relationship we know.” (Conference Report, October 1938, p. 137.)

The voice of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in unmistakable terms warns:

“… sexual sin—the illicit sexual relations of men and women—stands, in its enormity, next to murder. The Lord has drawn no essential distinctions between fornication, adultery, and harlotry or prostitution. Each has fallen under his solemn and awful condemnation. … [such cannot] … escape the punishments and the judgments which the Lord has declared against this sin. The day of reckoning will come just as certainly as night follows day.”

Then speaking of those who condone and justify evil whether from press or microphone or pulpit, they continue:

“They who would palliate this crime and say that such indulgence is but a sinless gratification of a normal desire, like appeasing hunger and thirst, speak filthiness with their lips. Their counsel leads to destruction; their wisdom comes from the father of lies.” (Message of the First Presidency to the Church, Improvement Era, November 1942, page 686.)

****OP - If you want the temple marriage - go for it. Talk to your bishop and as I said before, be willing to strictly follow his counsel. You only have to wait as long as needed to gain repentence - the year wait is if you go ahead and do the civil marriage. Good luck to you - I wish you the best of luck. I know that it is a very difficult thing you two must face. I hope that this can strengthen your relationship and actually turn into blessings for a future marriage. Just seek the Lord in Prayer and then listen and be willing to accept His answers. :) Sincerely - Good luck!!!***

Thanks for these references missing something...they are helpful to my own situation.

[pam]

For the record..I happen to agree totally with Ram.

IF and that's a big IF someone is planning on getting married anyway but have problems with remaining chaste..I say get a civil marriage and then work on the repentance process to go to the temple. At least getting married when you plan on it anyway will keep the sin from perpetuating and allows them to deal with the repentance issues.

Keep in mind I'm not saying everyone that has sex should get married just to stop the sinning. I'm speaking of those that have plans on getting married anyway.