Asking a girl out

[EQ_Guy]

Hello Brothers and Sisters. I once posted on here, but it got removed and I'm not sure why, so I'm posting about a different subject now. Below is a letter I emailed to a friend recently and thought I'd cut and paste it here. I'm sorry, it's very long, so I'm not even sure anyone will read it all the way thru.

There's an update to the below letter that happened this Sunday. I was able to talk with this girl a couple times Sunday - once after sacrament and we ended up being the last two people in the chapel and again after church and talked for about 20 mins. I'm STILL unsure of my next step. I asked her and she said she was hugging people that day... this will make sense after you read my long post. I just found out yesterday that she sits with the senior missionaries and ANOTHER question is, do you think it's OK for me to ask the senior missionairies if they visit her and if so go along with them? I know this may sound like I'm in 5th grade, but I go to a family ward and rarely have I been interested in someone and had them maybe be interested in me. I've also just found out that this girl and I have the same home teachers. I'm leaning more towards contacting one of them about her, more so than the missionaires. Again, sorry if I've violated some rules by such a long post.

This all started 2 Sundays ago. For some reason we've had about a handful of single girls move in to our ward and the Elders Quorum Presidency President decided to spread them around to us, Presidency and ME secretary, for home teaching - we all took one of them. I'm also an usher and I was talking to the EQ president while he was sitting down in the over-flow and this girl was sitting in a chair behind him so I decided to ask her what her name was. When she told me her first name it hit me that I was her home teacher now. Anyway, that was right before sacrament and at the end of the day in EQ I thought, "I'm going to go to Relief Society and give her my name, email and phone number along with my home teaching companions name.

Well I go in there after class and find her and give her my stuff. This other girl comes over and starts talking with us. I was instantly attracted to her. I asked her what her name was. She told me her first name, but I asked for her last too so I could better remember if I had seen her name around, I hadn't. I ask her, "are you new?" She says, "my first Sunday here was the Sunday you gave your talk." That was a few months ago. After church the day of my talk a couple people were talking to me and someone came over but didn't stop walking and made contact and said, "I liked your talk." I was very attracted to her and asked, "are you new here?" She said yes. For months I had been wondering who that person was. I thought it was a certain person and asked this person a couple months ago and they were like, "no, that wasn't me." So when this girl told me that was her first Sunday when I gave my talk I asked, "hey, are you the person that came up to me and said you liked it" and she said yes.

She said, "You set the bar pretty high... I'm going to be giving a talk next Sunday so you have to come up to me next Sunday and compliment me." I had been thinking about that girl all week and was looking forward to Sunday. So last Sunday I was sitting up there, getting ready to bless sacrament talking with the other guy up there with me. Then all of a sudden I see this cute girl walking up getting ready to go up the stairs and it hit me that it was her. She looked different - new haircut. I say, "hey... are you ready!?" I put my thumb up and she said, "yeah, you have to applaud for me when I finish." And then she puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes my clavicle. I was really surprised by that... she touched me! I then said, "of course, I'm going to clap and whistle."

Well somebody else gave a talk before her and she was just sitting there and smiling and smiling some more... she smiles a lot. At the end of this person's talk they read a poem and this girl started smiling even more and I'm thinking, "why is this girl smiling so much?" When she finally got up, she thanked the other lady for the poem and said she liked it and she wrote poetry herself. I virtually never "get" poetry, but I thought I was going to email her and ask to read some of hers. I was just so taken with this girl. She talks and talks and talks. A good 20 plus mins. She said, "I don't know how long my talk is, I haven't read all the way thru it." It didn't bother me though. She got emotional talking about running an AIDS marathon in Hawaii and how one of her brothers put up a sign and screamed that he loved her at 5 miles and how he was there on vacation and could have been on the beach or surfing or something. I love talks when people speak from the heart and get emotional and she was.

I was thinking, "man, I want to hug this girl when she finishes" but thought, no way could I do that - she'd think I was trying to make a move on her. Well after her talk and sacrament was over I went to the next class and a minute later came back and tried to find her. She was talking with a group of people and had her arm around some guy. I was like, "no freakin' way... who is that!?" I was thinking it was some boyfriend guy, but then realized it was one of her brothers. I came over and told her how great her talk was and she introduced all of her family to me... brother, brother, father, etc. She said, "well, you set the bar pretty high...." Again, giving me a compliment, but I told her that she blew me away and she did. When I was about to go to class I asked was she coming to class and she said she wasn't sure, that her family might leave. I asked were they members and she said something like, "not anymore...." I told her, "well I guess you'll tell me about that later." Get this, all these writing is going somewhere. She then she shakes my hand and then HUGS me! I was totally surprised by this and didn't know what to say, so while she was hugging me I said in her ear, "hi" and she said, "hi" back to me. I felt like an idiot for saying that. It was such a shock to see her face coming that close to me... she's so cute. I then asked one of her brother's something and then went to class.

Everytime someone would open the door I'd hope it was her... it wasn't. I guess she left with her family.

I really wanted to find out more about her and wanted to call her or something. My main question was her age and had a talk with someone and once I got the business/purposes of the talk over with I asked them about her and I was afraid and ... they said she was about 22 or 23. & Well I still wanted to find out and see if she had a thing for me or just being friendly. All these months I had never seen this girl before in church. That's very odd because of course, I'm always on the look out for cute single girls... very few in my ward are single. I came home and looked to see if she was on the ward's roster and she is and it confirmed she was single and it had her number there. I decided to look up on our ward's website to see if her email was there... but it wasn't. Her number was there and address and a photo. I much prefer to email someone than call. Now I had a problem... how would I be able to hide behind a legitimate reason for calling her? I couldn't think of anything, but I just wanted to contact her. So... I called. It went to voicemail and I left a message. I basically said I was from church, gave my name, told her again how good her talk was and ... told her I called to her more about her Hawaii marathon and left my number and told her my email was on the church's website and hung-up. I left that a couple days ago but haven't heard back. Now, I'm wondering if I made her uncomfortable or freaked her out.

Do you think she may have a thing for me or something? I've only had a couple women before her hug me and one for sure wasn't interested in me, it was just a friendly thing and the other lady that hugs me is a super-new convert and Puerto Rican and I'm sure you know Latin people hug all the time. So again, do you think she was just being friendly or something more? If she has a thing for me then I don't think I scared her, but if she doesn't then maybe I did. I do not intend on contacting her again. I just plan on seeing how she reacts to me in church the next time I see her. She'll either avoid me, act weird if we come face-to-face or be happy to see me and maybe hug or touch me again.

She's a total stranger to me because I never see her in church, but she sees me on a regular basis because I bless sacrament about 3 times a month and I've gotten up and given my testimony a couple times since she's been there. I'm just itchin' to find out what the deal is with her.

[Guest]

I give hugs all the time too, so I'm leaning more into the friendly hug than anything else. But, that doesn't mean you should give it up.

I very much admire men who see somebody they care about and go out and pursue her. With confidence. Like Anakin Skywalker. I married one of those men.

So, call her. Tell her you like her and would like to get to know her better. Don't hide behide the marathon. The worst thing that can happen is that she says she's not interested. Better than sitting there wondering if she is or not.

[Dravin]

Better than sitting there wondering if she is or not.

I imagine the anticipation of rejection is worse than rejection itself. Not that I have any experience on that matter, but if most other fears are any indication and what you tend to hear as advice then such is the case.

[Mahone]

The worst thing that can happen is that she says she's not interested.

Isn't that why we have voodoo dolls?

[EQ_Guy]

Hi, so what exactly is your opinion on this? :)

[EQ_Guy]

I actually did call her. In sacrament she ended up sitting right behind me and when I was getting up to go to Sunday School she said hi to me and actually remembered my name. I told her that I called and left a message and she said she didn't recognize it that was and so didn't call the person, ME, back.

I've asked a few for advice on this and everybodys telling me different things. The vast majority say she might be interested in me. Also, she asked me why I didn't go to the Singles Ward. The reason I don't go is that I'm 41. lol She was thinking I was BELOW the 31 or whatever cut-off.

[StallionMcBeastly]

You're problem can be solved easily.

Just ask her to hang out and see how things go. Hang out with her as friends and see if you even like who she is.

[EQ_Guy]

I imagine the anticipation of rejection is worse than rejection itself. Not that I have any experience on that matter, but if most other fears are any indication and what you tend to hear as advice then such is the case.

Yes, you're right, the anticipation is the killer.

[Maxel]

Do you know how old this girl is? If she's near your age, you should just ask her out for dinner one night. If it makes you feel better, you can roleplay with a friend (or an inanimate object, if you feel embarassed roleplaying with another person).

If you don't do anything, in time she'll move on. Carpe Diem! If she's as nice as you say she is, she won't laugh at you or do anything cruel. Asking her to dinner once is totally acceptable- you won't be crossing any social lines. If she says no... she says no, and you won't be agonizing over it anymore.

Good luck!

[EQ_Guy]

Do you know how old this girl is? If she's near your age, you should just ask her out for dinner one night. If it makes you feel better, you can roleplay with a friend (or an inanimate object, if you feel embarassed roleplaying with another person).

If you don't do anything, in time she'll move on. Carpe Diem! If she's as nice as you say she is, she won't laugh at you or do anything cruel. Asking her to dinner once is totally acceptable- you won't be crossing any social lines. If she says no... she says no, and you won't be agonizing over it anymore.

Good luck!

Hi Maxel, I wrote so much in that letter that I'm not even sure what I put in there. :) She's 23 and I'm 41. Yes, I KNOW! She asked me why I didn't go to a singles ward and I told her I was out of the age-range. I asked her how old did she think I was and she thought I was near the cut-off age I think. I mean I'm not sure if she knows what the cut-off age is, so if she knows it's 30 then she must have thought I was at the most 30. So yeah, I look young for my age.

I think I will just call her or email and ask her. Some have advised me not to call her again and to just wait until next Sunday to see her in church. They said if I called I might look desperate.

[Misshalfway]

Ok....not that I don't believe in true love or anything.....but are you sure you wanna pursue a relationship with someone who is so much younger than you? I am sorry but I know so many single fabulous women closer to your age. Why not pursue someone who can match you in life experience?

[NeuroTypical]

This all started 2 Sundays ago. For some reason we've had about a handful of single girls move in to our ward and the Elders Quorum Presidency President decided to spread them around to us, Presidency and ME secretary, for home teaching - we all took one of them.

So, something stinks here. Church policy is that single sisters are taught by High Priests, NOT the Elder's quorum. The Bishop is supposed to oversee this stuff also.

What on earth are you doing hometeaching single sisters in the first place?

LM

[EQ_Guy]

Ok....not that I don't believe in true love or anything.....but are you sure you wanna pursue a relationship with someone who is so much younger than you? I am sorry but I know so many single fabulous women closer to your age. Why not pursue someone who can match you in life experience?

Hi Miss. I get your comment. When this girl first came up to me I was attracted to her, then we talked and it only increased. And the following week she hugged me. Right after I met her I thought to myself, "please don't let this girl be 22 or 23." She IS. I guess I'm just curious to know if she's interested in me that way.

I do want a wife younger however because I'd like to have kids one day. Ideally someone in their late 20s.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I like StallionMcBeastly's approach -- find places to hang out together in groups or as friends so you can get to know each other before you go straight to "I really like you and want to ask you out". I find it works best if you DO SOMETHING productive together, like work on putting on an activity together, make dinner together in one of your homes, or do something with a group of people.

You get to know each other better and it presents lots of opportunities for relationship building. During this process, you'll know whether she's interested by her body language and other signals....I did this with my wife. After repeated failures at dinner with other women where we had to stare across from each other and talk to get to know of each other -- I organized a get-together with people in her Ward and there I got to know her.

One thing led to another naturally, and now she's madly in love with me and thinks I'm the biggest hunk in the world.

[EQ_Guy]

So, something stinks here. Church policy is that single sisters are taught by High Priests, NOT the Elder's quorum. The Bishop is supposed to oversee this stuff also.

What on earth are you doing hometeaching single sisters in the first place?

LM

I'm a convert that's just coming back to church this year and have been secretary only a couple months. I have NO idea whose suppose to teach single sisters. I DO know that our bishop approves all home teaching assignments. This cute girl that has hugged me is NOT my teachee by the way. I've recently thought about how odd it might be if an Elder home taught a single girl and he was attracted/dated her. I'm sure she'd be transferred to another companionship.

Anywhere where I can look up this policy on EQ teaching single sisters?

[Misshalfway]

Hi Miss. I get your comment. When this girl first came up to me I was attracted to her, then we talked and it only increased. And the following week she hugged me. Right after I met her I thought to myself, "please don't let this girl be 22 or 23." She IS. I guess I'm just curious to know if she's interested in me that way.

I do want a wife younger however because I'd like to have kids one day. Ideally someone in their late 20s.

Why? Because women in their 30's aren't as fertile?

I remember thinking my spec list of future mates would bring me happiness. As if tall meant they were better. I don't know, I just think its crazy to think that you are most likely to find happiness with someone so much younger than you. Not that it couldn't happen. Just that I think you limit yourself by laying down narrow specifics......ideals that could mean nothing to you in the years to come.

This is crazy! You are older than I am yet you sound like all those college guys I used to roll my eyes at. They shot themselves in the foot before the relationship even started and then wondered why they were still single.

Just open you mind a bit, that's all. I mean you are 41! Marry someone you don't have to raise!

[NeuroTypical]

Anywhere where I can look up this policy on EQ teaching single sisters?

Huh - so now, I'm not so sure. It should be in the Church Handbook of Instructions, Book 2: Priesthood and Auxilliary Leader's manual, Section 1, Melchizedek Priesthood (thin blue book, starts on page 161).

Page 168 is where it talks about it. I've heard in Bishoprics and EQ presidencies over the years that unless something special is going on, HP's teach single sisters and widows. But I don't see it in this manual.

Huh. You might want to specifically ask your Bishop about it.

LM

[Guest mormonmusic]

Anywhere where I can look up this policy on EQ teaching single sisters?

There are two general handbooks of instructions -- one is for priesthood leaders in EQ and HP, and others are for Bishopric -- this might detail it....we interpreted that rule pretty loosely in our Ward because there were so many single sisters and not enough High Priests to home teach them, so the EQ took their share.

My personal opinion is that it's OK for EQ to home teach single sisters as long as its part of a companionship, and not an individual visiting the single sister. But that's just me. Better stick with the rules....create your own opportunities to spend time with her, in non-threatening activities like the ones I suggested earlier....

[EQ_Guy]

Why? Because women in their 30's aren't as fertile?

I remember thinking my spec list of future mates would bring me happiness. As if tall meant they were better. I don't know, I just think its crazy to think that you are most likely to find happiness with someone so much younger than you. Not that it couldn't happen. Just that I think you limit yourself by laying down narrow specifics......ideals that could mean nothing to you in the years to come.

This is crazy! You are older than I am yet you sound like all those college guys I used to roll my eyes at. They shot themselves in the foot before the relationship even started and then wondered why they were still single.

Just open you mind a bit, that's all. I mean you are 41! Marry someone you don't have to raise!

I meant late 20 and up to about 31 or 32. I do NOT want to marry someone 41 and it be too tough for them to have kids. Again, the FIRST thing I thought about this girl was, "please, don't let her be 22 or 23." I'd much prefer she was in her late 20s, but she's not. I live in a part of the country where there's next to no members and singles. There's other things I could share about all this, but I'd rather not single myself out too much.

[Vort]

You want advice, friend? I will give you advice.

• Ask this girl out tonight. Not tomorrow, not Sunday. Tonight. Call her up at 7:00 sharp and ask her out for Friday. Make sure you plan out something reasonably nice and fun -- say, dinner and a movie. Not creative, but you're not looking for creativity here. You're looking for time together.
• Develop a relationship with this girl over the next few weeks.
• Never, ever, ever hide your age from her. But don't volunteer it up front, either. If she makes an age-related comment, you can slip in that you just recently reached the Big 4-0 milestone.
• If you have not had a chance to mention your age after two or three weeks, you should tell her straight up (but casually) how old you are. "Bernice, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but you know I'm an old guy, right? Don't let the elder's quorum calling fool you; I'm old enough to be a GA!" That sort of thing: light, mildly self-effacing, but not embarrassed. Just straightforward truth.
• If she shows less interest in you, so be it. She is young and is probably better suited to some guy in his 20s. By the same token, if after a few weeks you find her so callow that it starts to get irritating (or, heaven forbid, you don't understand all her Tweeting and texting or whatever newfangled nonsense them thar kids 'r doin' these days), maybe you decide to look for someone a little more your age. No harm, no foul, no bad feelings.
• On the other hand, if things do work out between you, enjoy it! Eighteen years is a lot, but so what? You might help her get a more mature view on things, and she can help you stay young at heart (and body). Such marriages are historically common (if not so much in today's society) and can be very good. You'll have to learn to laugh at or ignore all the "cradle robber" comments, but if you two form a good relationship and truly love each other, then that's really not a big deal.

Now, start doing some research so that WHEN (not if) you call her tonight, you have a nice evening planned for Friday (or Saturday, if she's not available Friday, or at any other time of her convenience).

Send me a wedding invite and I'll send you a toaster.

[EQ_Guy]

There are two general handbooks of instructions -- one is for priesthood leaders in EQ and HP, and others are for Bishopric -- this might detail it....we interpreted that rule pretty loosely in our Ward because there were so many single sisters and not enough High Priests to home teach them, so the EQ took their share.

My personal opinion is that it's OK for EQ to home teach single sisters as long as its part of a companionship, and not an individual visiting the single sister. But that's just me. Better stick with the rules....create your own opportunities to spend time with her, in non-threatening activities like the ones I suggested earlier....

We only have about 10 HP in our ward. I actually just emailed my HT companion and asked how did he feel about me going to visit a couple of our teachees by myself... he travels a lot. We have 4 families and ONE is a single sister and I wrote and told him that I did NOT think I should visit her alone.

Thanks

Ps. Not sure if I mistyped, but I'm NOT the hometeacher for this girl that hugged me.

[EQ_Guy]

You want advice, friend? I will give you advice.

• Ask this girl out tonight. Not tomorrow, not Sunday. Tonight. Call her up at 7:00 sharp and ask her out for Friday. Make sure you plan out something reasonably nice and fun -- say, dinner and a movie. Not creative, but you're not looking for creativity here. You're looking for time together.
• Develop a relationship with this girl over the next few weeks.
• Never, ever, ever hide your age from her. But don't volunteer it up front, either. If she makes an age-related comment, you can slip in that you just recently reached the Big 4-0 milestone.
• If you have not had a chance to mention your age after two or three weeks, you should tell her straight up (but casually) how old you are. "Bernice, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but you know I'm an old guy, right? Don't let the elder's quorum calling fool you; I'm old enough to be a GA!" That sort of thing: light, mildly self-effacing, but not embarrassed. Just straightforward truth.
• If she shows less interest in you, so be it. She is young and is probably better suited to some guy in his 20s. By the same token, if after a few weeks you find her so callow that it starts to get irritating (or, heaven forbid, you don't understand all her Tweeting and texting or whatever newfangled nonsense them thar kids 'r doin' these days), maybe you decide to look for someone a little more your age. No harm, no foul, no bad feelings.
• On the other hand, if things do work out between you, enjoy it! Eighteen years is a lot, but so what? You might help her get a more mature view on things, and she can help you stay young at heart (and body). Such marriages are historically common (if not so much in today's society) and can be very good. You'll have to learn to laugh at or ignore all the "cradle robber" comments, but if you two form a good relationship and truly love each other, then that's really not a big deal.

Now, start doing some research so that WHEN (not if) you call her tonight, you have a nice evening planned for Friday (or Saturday, if she's not available Friday, or at any other time of her convenience).

Send me a wedding invite and I'll send you a toaster.

Whoa, that's quite a reply, thanks. She actually told me that she works at night, so I won't be calling her then. Geez, I'm so lost on what to do about this. Part of me thinks, "dude, stay away from her" but another knows that I've been making lots of progress this year, that I'll be going to the Temple soon and that maybe, just maybe this girl was sent for a reason.

[Vort]

Whoa, that's quite a reply, thanks. She actually told me that she works at night, so I won't be calling her then.

Then call her right now. Call her tomorrow morning. The point is, call her the first chance you get. Don't put it off or say, "I'll talk to her Sunday." Baloney. Call her NOW.

[Misshalfway]

Then call her right now. Call her tomorrow morning. The point is, call her the first chance you get. Don't put it off or say, "I'll talk to her Sunday." Baloney. Call her NOW.

But the girl is 23. She's a baby! If it were your daughter, you really gonna tell a 41 year old to RUN to ask out?

[Guest]

Whoa, that's quite a reply, thanks. She actually told me that she works at night, so I won't be calling her then. Geez, I'm so lost on what to do about this. Part of me thinks, "dude, stay away from her" but another knows that I've been making lots of progress this year, that I'll be going to the Temple soon and that maybe, just maybe this girl was sent for a reason.

I like Vort's post very much! Yeah, man. Go for it. Don't worry about if she likes you or not. You'll find out soon enough. The age thing will work itself out - either you get irritated by her immaturity or you'll enjoy her youthful comments and vice versa for her. Be straightforward, honest, and treat her like precious treasure.

Only one thing though... if you're not comfortable with holding up a conversation for over an hour especially with the added challenge of trying your hardest not to stain your shirt while eating, dinner might not be a good idea for a first night out. I like the group party idea for a "first exposure". Or something with an activity where you're not sitting across the table from each other for too long looking for something to say - like the video game arcade (do you have a Dave and Busters where you live?) or a dance place. Or just walking through downtown or something like that... Movies are great (if the movie is not too intense) but it doesn't give you too much of a chance to get to know her better.

You know what would be really fun - organize a game-night at your place for all the new members of the ward. It gives you a chance to get to know her better in a party setting and at the same time, it gives your ward members a warm welcome and fellowship - might do your ward a lot of good! The only problem is, if she declines, you really can't just cancel the whole thing - you'll have to follow through with it.

But, whatever you decide, you need to be more confident with yourself. None of this teen-age angst type stuff! You're too old for that, man!