Knowing where your older kids are...

[ColorMEreal]

I have three older children and a toddler. Knowing where my older kids are feels like a full time job at times. In particular, knowing where my 13 year old son is. I require that I speak to a parent when he hangs out at someone's house, as well as sleep overs. If he's skateboarding at the park he's required to call in every hour an a half to check in and he has to come home before it gets dark.

I feel a peace of mind in side of myself when I parent in this way, despite the fact that my son thinks I'm a paranoid parent who does not TRUST him. This seems to be our common argument lately, that I do not trust him. He claims that none of his friends parents call to check in on their sons, or to see if their is any parental supervision going on when they want to hang out at someones house.

In one of our last talks I told my son he just needs to trust me more, as I trust in God more. I shared with him that I pray about many of my parental responsibilities and that I don't take them lightly. I feel that their can be eternal consequences when it comes to "bad parenting" that I do not wish to pay, besides the heart ache it could bring...

I am looking for other parents out there that can share their experiences and opinions about "Knowing where your older kids are"...

[pam]

This is an issue that I'm dealing with at the moment. I have two 18 year old boys and a 20 year old daughter. According to the law they are considered adults but they still live at home and as of right now pay no rent. Yet they feel that being "adults" they can do whatever they want. That means being gone for a couple of days without letting me know where they are. Coming and going as they please etc. Right now I feel like I'm being taken advantage of totally and am unable to get it through their heads concerning courtesy to me as their mother.

[miztrniceguy]

Pam, you should lay down some ground rules if they are living at home, even if they are paying their own way. You do not need to know their whereabouts 24-7, but there should be a communication if they are going to be gone overnite. Don't ask for a detailed rundown of whee they are or what they are doing, just to let you know if they are not going to be home.

[pam]

Any advise for the OPmiztrniceguy as this is really her thread. I was just posting to show that I can somewhat relate to her situation.

[miztrniceguy]

Gee Pam, you don't have to take my advice. I didn't know I was only allowed to respond to OP.

[talisyn]

Advice to you, Pam, is a lot easier lol. 'Make them pay rent' doesn't work too well on 13 year olds.

Color, I think you're doing great! Making your son call from the park every 30 minutes is a good idea. My daughter desperately wants a cell phone, I'll use that when I finally give in (prob when she's 13, too). It's hard for kids to see themselves the way parents see them. They, being the center of the universe, think they're strong and capable and grown-up, while we see everything that could go wrong (and has to far too many children) and try really hard to stay away from the bubble wrap. I like that you're putting it in terms of an eternal perspective. I don't really have advice except to say, keep up the good work. And maybe give him a puppy, then he'll know what it's like to take care of something that can think for itself

[NeuroTypical]

I am looking for other parents out there that can share their experiences and opinions about "Knowing where your older kids are"...

Heh - be careful what you ask for - you may get it. Here is my wife's experience:

My wife occasionally works with kids trying to come off of drugs. So she's plugged in (to a certain extent) to our local drug scene. Not many people can become a 'trusted outsider', but for whatever reason, my wife is good at making and keeping these connections.

You would be amazed. We've been in this ward for 8 years, but really started getting to know the youth in our ward because so many of them are connected through the underground drug scene. It's a different world - modern day gadianton robbers, who are out partying Saturday night, and still up in time to pass the sacrament on Sunday. Some parents have no clue, some put up walls of denial against any clues that might come their way, some know but feel hopeless. Every now and then, a parent actually knows and approves.

The faces and names are different, but this scene basically exists everywhere. We live in a small two-stoplight town in Middle-Of-Nowhere, Colorado. The big cities in SLC have it bad also. Wherever your kids are, it's there too.

ColorMEReal, you are doing what is best for your kids. The teenage brain is still maturing. The parts of the brain that handle rational thought and long-term decision making won't be done cooking until their early-mid 20's. The kids my wife knows are all 'good kids', in that they're all children of our heavenly father. Many of them have jobs, are active in the church, have good grades, look like great kids. But they've found some potentially harmful things to do with their time. Keep being a good parent.

LM

Edited March 8, 2010 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Elgama]

My Mum set the example she told us where she was going what time we were to expect her back etc If she or my Dad were going to be late they phoned and told us. It was set up as a family rule because families care about each other and its about keeping each other safe. We do the same in my home my children right now are under 7 but I tell them when I am leaving the house and how long I expect to be, if I am going to be late I phone and let the family know - we leave notes for each other. By the time I was a teen it was a common courtesy to let my Mum know where I was going and when I expected to be back, to leave a phone number. I was 21 and more or less left home before I gave her a night of worry lol

[hordak]

I plan to get them the cell phones with the built in tracker when mine are that age.

[miztrniceguy]

I'm going to implant mine with a gps chip.

[JudoMinja]

While I don't have children at that age yet, I do have some advice for you-

Explain to your son that it is not an issue of trust, but an issue of SAFETY. (Which I guess still is an issue of trust in a way, just not with your son.) The world is a dangerous place, and you want to know that he is safe. Then, give him an opportunity to do things that show you do trust him or show him ways you already show you trust him.

Right now, I'm sure he just doesn't like the inconvenience of having to call to check in with you constantly, especially because his friends probably give him a hard time for it. Make sure he knows that you are checking on him and making sure he has supervision, because you love him and want him to be safe. Also, because we hold ourselves, as members of the church, to a higher standard than the world does, and supervision helps us avoid temptation. It is very easy to fall into sin, even when you are dead-set on staying on the path, when you neglect to keep your defense in place.

You could even use metaphors from the scriptures to explain this. Look at the war chapters of the Book of Mormon. The Nephites went into battle against the Lamanites fully clothed in armor, while the Lamanites came only in loin cloths. This supervision and checking in, is like wearing armor, among other things he can do to maintain his spiritual armor. Does he really want to go out to battle against the world and its temptations in nothing but a loin cloth?

Hope this helps.

[ColorMEreal]

Thanks for all the help and advice. I read every bit of it and took it to heart. :)