Church and the Passive Aggressive

[InquisitiveSoul]

I'm married to a woman who is Passive Aggressive. We have many ups and downs as anyone who has been around a Passive Aggressive will understand.

At times she seems very positive about church and the possibilities of going to the temple and being sealed. Other times she has a negative or indifferent attitude. Sunday she expressed a deep frustration with not knowing where any of the books are in the Bible or Book of Mormon. I offered to assist her and she only became more difficult.

She has told me she believes but she doesn't understand. I've spent a great deal of time looking into the church over the years and have come to a place of peace with things. It seems as soon as I have come to this place she begins to display some of her Passive Aggressive traits and telling me maybe I should just do it alone.

I have been hoping to see the spirit work with her and help resolve some of the issues she has been dealing with through her life. I'm not certain what I should do - if anything - or if I should leave it alone and let her figure things out on her own. Any advice or thoughts on this?

[FunkyTown]

You can't force someone to join. If you want to join, just tell her:

"I love you and I understand if you're having difficulties. I will be there to help lift you up, just like I promised when we were married."

Then hug her.

Not joining the church has nothing to do with being passive-aggressive.

[Gwen]

She has told me she believes but she doesn't understand.

what does that mean exactly? from what little is here sounds to me like she is having difficulty with the amt of material that new members often feel the need to digest....?

[InquisitiveSoul]

what does that mean exactly? from what little is here sounds to me like she is having difficulty with the amt of material that new members often feel the need to digest....?

That's a possibility Gwen. She tends to withdraw if she feels stressed and perhaps the amount of material is causing a disconnect for her.

[rameumptom]

Get her into therapy, possibly with an LDS or at least Christian therapist. Let the experts help her manage her ups and downs, including meds if necessary. You'll be glad you did.

[Gwen]

wait a min, i didn't read anything in that post that suggested she needs therapy or meds. where did that come from?

yes it may be linked to one phase of her cycle or another, so yes it could be hormones but that doesn't make all women crazy and in need of meds and therapy.

[MarginOfError]

I'm not sure that therapy is needed. Passive aggressiveness is a style of managing conflict. When she becomes passive aggressive, it's a sign that she's dealing with some kind of conflict, or is having trouble resolving something. It isn't wrong, or bad, or sinful, or inconsistent with the gospel. It's just how she manages difficult situations.

Passive aggressiveness only becomes a problem when you try to help her manage her conflicts in your own way and not in her way. The best thing to do is work on how you communicate together. If she becomes passive aggressive, it's very likely that the worst thing you can possibly do is try to talk about it. Sometimes it might be best to just let her simmer for a day or two and then approach it through discussion.

The point is, when she's become passive aggressive, she's uncomfortable with something. Rather than address the passive aggressiveness, you'd be better of to learn what is making her uncomfortable and deal with that.

[InquisitiveSoul]

We went to marriage counseling for a while, she finally decided the counselor took my side and stopped going. This is where I heard Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder for the first time.

Discussions are difficult to her as a common response is "I don't know" or "nothing." People who have this type of disorder don't seem to realize why others see them as difficult. It is as Margin of Error mentioned her way of managing conflict. Trying to ask questions and learn more about her feelings rarely works. Basic questions come across as nagging to her so it's difficult to put your finger on her pulse.

You can't do anything about the Passive Aggressive part of her personality. I think you are right Margin of Error, the problem I have is finding out what is making her uncomfortable. Something has went off inside her over the weekend and I don't know what it is yet.

I suppose my real question is should I try to teach her more about the gospel? Obviously I don't know everything, but I feel I understand the gospel well for and I've been studying for a long time. I don't want her to shut down further and feel nagged, but it would seem my responsibility here is to teach my family. What do you think?

I have found over the years we've been married she communicates better through text messages or letters rather than face to face. I think my personality is difficult for her because I am the type who likes to find answers and resolve issues while she tends to avoid discussion.

Edited March 23, 2010 by InquisitiveSoul

[InquisitiveSoul]

So she is finally starting to give me some information as to what the problem is. I don't know if we will resolve it or not. It's been a problem at various points in our marriage, but it's coming back up again.

Do you think this is Satan working against us or is that a little much? I see we are starting to make some moves in the right direction and now it's caving in...what do you do?

[ruthiechan]

So she is finally starting to give me some information as to what the problem is. I don't know if we will resolve it or not. It's been a problem at various points in our marriage, but it's coming back up again.

Do you think this is Satan working against us or is that a little much? I see we are starting to make some moves in the right direction and now it's caving in...what do you do?

I do believe Satan is working against you. He will do anything and everything to try and destroy your family. So, with that said, pray for strength, and for your wife, and that you will know what to do for her. Do everything you can to keep the spirit in your home. The Spirit will protect you.

[Finrock]

Good evening InquisitiveSoul! :) I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.

Do you think this is Satan working against us or is that a little much? I see we are starting to make some moves in the right direction and now it's caving in...what do you do?

Although I cannot authoritatively speak for your specific situation, I do know that Satan is "...an enemy to God" and "...to all righteousness" (Mosiah 4:14; Mosiah 16:5). He fights against God and righteousness continually (Moro. 7:12). His purpose is to tempt us to sin and bring us down to be miserable just as he is (2 Ne. 2:27). From experience in my own desires to change for the better and to repent it certainly seems to me that Satan strives especially hard to thwart my progress at those moments. Also as a full-time missionary I saw that when people would receive a witness from the Spirit that the gospel was true and had made the commitment to be baptized, all of a sudden a number of issues would arise which seemed designed to bring doubt, to distract, or somehow prevent the person from going through with their baptism.

So, is this the case now? I don't know, but it certainly wouldn't be without precedent for Satan to be working hard against your progress in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'll close my post by quoting Elder Richard G. Scott from the Quorum of the Twelve:

“You will have challenges and hard decisions to make throughout your life. Be determined now to always do what is right and let the consequence follow. The consequence will always be for your best good” ("Do What is Right", Liahona, March 2001, 14).

Regards,

Finrock

[Guest mirancs8]

I have found over the years we've been married she communicates better through text messages or letters rather than face to face. I think my personality is difficult for her because I am the type who likes to find answers and resolve issues while she tends to avoid discussion.

I had this problem in my marriage (well one of the many problems). It was like I was this over shadowing beast because of how I thought was very different to how he thinks. How I dealt with issues was very different then how he did. I wanted to find out the problem from the beginning, solve it, and move on.

[FairChild]

There is such a thing as auditory dyslexia. If your wife is able to better process information through text and emails, then use that form of communication. She may also be passive-agressive, but still could have other undiagnosed problems as well.

As for the counceling, if she won't go with you, go for yourself. The more you learn how to work with her, the better you will be able to do so. It sounds as if you have some major decisions to make. I wish you the best.

FC

[rameumptom]

wait a min, i didn't read anything in that post that suggested she needs therapy or meds. where did that come from?

yes it may be linked to one phase of her cycle or another, so yes it could be hormones but that doesn't make all women crazy and in need of meds and therapy.

It isn't an issue of "crazy." It is a medical/psychological issue that is driving her mood swings. Therapy and medicines can assist in this.

Many years ago, my wife began to suddenly hit into mood swings. I can remember the exact moment when it occurred. I'd never seen her so angry or vituperative before. We spent two years in agony before she finally went to see the doctor about it. It literally saved our marriage, and I'm thankful for it.

My wife was not "crazy." She had a medical condition that required treatment. To ignore it would be like not going to the doctor for a broken leg, because society had a thing against people wearing casts.

[Gwen]

i understand very much and agree with how hormones and what not effect the body. dealing with a lot myself. i just didn't read anything in the post to suggest that was the cause at this point. women naturally have mood swings that don't need to be medicated or therapy. god made us that way. if they are extreme or there are other issues sometimes a medical problem exists. however, i think more often than not it's not pharmaceuticals that are needed but hormones or vit. or other deficiencies in the body. when i hear meds i think anti depressants and such. those won't fix hormone or other natural imbalances. i know i've tried.

some other thoughts i've had..... sounds like she is struggling with building a testimony. she needs to be able to do that in her own way. she needs to be allowed to vent and not have someone trying to "fix" something that isn't theirs to fix. i've had times when i've struggled with parts of my testimony. nothing upset me more and hindered my ability to resolve it than having my husband try to fix it for me every time i wanted to talk about it. what i wanted and needed was for him to stand by me. let me talk without feeling judged. reassure me that it didn't change anything between us, that his love for me was truly unconditional and not based on my testimony. if i know everything is ok with us then i can feel free to deal with my concerns the way i need to. sometimes the concerns hit in conjunction with a mood swing, and it just becomes a perfect storm. backing off and giving it time really is the answer. let the mood swing pass and then i can deal with one thing at a time.

thinking more on the comment of believing but not understanding.... sometimes a person can believe. but when life seems to "prove" to you that what you are told, what you believe, isn't really what happens it creates an inability to understand. not understanding can make it very hard to live the gospel even when you do believe or want to believe. i've been there too.

[InquisitiveSoul]

I had this problem in my marriage (well one of the many problems). It was like I was this over shadowing beast because of how I thought was very different to how he thinks. How I dealt with issues was very different then how he did. I wanted to find out the problem from the beginning, solve it, and move on.

Have you been able to find a way to communicate and find solutions together?

[Guest mirancs8]

Have you been able to find a way to communicate and find solutions together?

Unfortunately that was one of many problems with our marriage. We are in the process of divorce right now and I guess I'm not the best person to ask:eek:

Though he had that issue it was minor to the many other issues such as possible ADHD. I think that he was incapable of getting through those moments of frustration unlike me I had a process to get myself through it. He couldn't process it, it would all just make him more frustrated.

I wish I had advice for you but I could never understand it. I guess if you try to put yourself in her shoes? Or maybe there is something that she just can't seem to get out to you in words and it's just building up to a point that everything gets to her.

Gee I wish I could tell you unfortunately my situation was complicated. I do wish you luck. Do whatever you have to. Women can be complicated at times (emotions and such) so you have to be patient and understanding. It doesn't take much to get something out of me but there are women who can keep it in for a LOOOONG time If in fact that's a possibility.

The church can be overwhelming for many that are new. I can understand the feeling of not understanding everything though you are surrounded by those that understand much. It's frustrating to say the least but just remind her that it take time and patients and no body expects her to know everything overnight... we are always learning.