Im New (to a lot of things)

[baver3]

Hey

I came to this site in search of some advice/support since I am going through a divorce. I am 7 months pregnant and i have 2 little boys, ages 2 and 4. My husband isnt a member and he is ready to drop me like a bad habt.

He used all kinds of excuses to get rid of me and said that I disrespected him because I didnt keep the house spotless "at all times" and that not picking up the kids' toys or doing the dishes was a display of my disrespect to him.

So far the past 5 months has been a difficult journey. There is only so much I can share with friends and family.

I am hoping to get some objective advice from whoever is here and whoever is willing to be kind in their objective point of view.

I also hope I can offer something of myself.

Thanks!

[JudoMinja]

Welcome to the forum. There are a lot of people here who will be willing to help you out with whatever advice they can offer. Many have even been through similar situations.

I am also going through a divorce, but it was my decision. My husband was abusive and I left to protect my now one year old son. If you would like to know more about my experience, just let me know.

As far as your situation goes- respect is a very big deal to most men. It is one of the biggest things they are concerned about. If he feels like you are disrespecting him, I can understand why he would want a divorce. However, from what you've posted it sounds like his expectations for you are way over the top. Its as if he expects you to be perfect, and if you aren't you are disrespecting him. Needless to say, this is my impression from your post as I do not really know you or your husband.

If there is any way you can work on your marriage with this man, I would do so. If there is any way you can help his see that his expectations are rediculous and there are many ways you show him that you DO respect him, do so. If you've already done all this and he's been completely unwilling to work with you however, there isn't really anything else you can do. In that case, the best thing you can do to respect him now is to respect his decision to get a divorce.

It is heartbreaking and difficult to go through this, but he is a free individual as much as you are, able to make his own decisions.

If you would like any more advice on any specifics regarding your situation, feel free to share and I am sure there will be people here willing to offer their support.

[marts1]

Two young children alone is a tough go, let alone being about to add another. Your husband, I suspect is feeling poorly about the failing marriage and is trying to hurt you by saying such foolishness. I am hoping you are realizing that you are probably not so much at fault here and that you will allow your self esteem to remain where it should be.

[baver3]

Thanks

Its hard because he has torn me down for so long.

Judo, I will not be working on my relationship with him any longer. He is so done with this marriage (as am I). I cant do any more lies. He is aleady engaged to his new 'girlfriend'. They stayed in my house while I took my two boys to a friend's house in CA for three weeks. I had the wonderful opportunity of cleaning all the sheets and finding blood and semen on my bed. Everyday I find her hair. I am so sick of it all and the kicker is that he is STILL UNWILLING to admit anything!

I realize that respect is HUGE. I tried and tried to explain to him about having two little kids. He said he was unwilling to help and that when he gets home he thinks he should just be able to "sit down on the couch and do nothing". Anytime he did anything to 'help' me he would hold it against me later and make me feel terrible about it (even doing the dishes or ANYTHING) and even said that my job is taking care of the kids and it wasnt his job to help watch them while I ran errands and that I should take them with me where ever I go. He also said that I am a mom and so I NEVER get a day off or any time to myself.

I hope you can see why I am not willing to go back to this. And he doesnt want me. So it doesnt matter. He is already engaged to someone else and as far as I can tell, he may have gotten her pregnant (even though I think she is going to abort it).

He is not a member of the church and looking back I wonder why I even chose to marry him. Now I must deal with this messy situation. His family is deceptive and I have cut off my relationship with them.

I have felt nearly every emotion and now I am feeling scared for my future and my kids' future.

[Guest mirancs8]

He is so done with this marriage (as am I). I cant do any more lies. He is aleady engaged to his new 'girlfriend'. They stayed in my house while I took my two boys to a friend's house in CA for three weeks. I had the wonderful opportunity of cleaning all the sheets and finding blood and semen on my bed. Everyday I find her hair. I am so sick of it all and the kicker is that he is STILL UNWILLING to admit anything!

WHAT?!?! No no no this is crazy. I'm sorry I just can't believe... OK sorry I guess I can believe it but I feel so bad for you that you have to be subjected to this. First question is do you have any family? Mom, dad, sisters, brothers? Someone who you can go to and stay with them for a spell. I'm sorry but I would draw the line before I clean up his mess from another woman . How dare he disrespect the mother of his children in that way! This is just disgusting behavior.

Deep breath... You deserve respect from your husband this is just crazy. Plus you are pregnant. Wow you are really in a bad spot but you know it's best you make the right decision for your own situation. And if it's you both divorcing then you must do what is right.

I had my own drama with my ex but not this bad. I would have taken the golf club... ow wait that was Tiger Woods sorry keep mixing my ex with him:rolleyes:. Seriously if I was taken to that point I would have clobbered him... actually I might just have taken that mattress out in the front lawn with the blood and semen and set it on fire just when I knew they were pulling into the street. Then I would put a big billboard sign on the yard that would say, Sleep On This Honey! With a huge heart. Just an idea...

Seriously though being pregnant and having 2 small kids is not going to be easy unless you have a strong support around you (family, friends). Did you talk to your Bishop is he aware of your situation?

I am currently going through a divorce right now and it's not a fun time let me tell you. There are a few people on here who are or have gone through similar situations so you will have plenty of great people to speak with.

Keep us informed on how things are going. Praying for you and your children.

[baver3]

Mirancs

Thank you for your support. I so wish it was in my nature to do something like what you said about throwing the mattress out in the front yard. Believe me, I have wanted to do something like that and I think it would be quite therapeutic but alas I just dont think I have it in me.

I get to hear more and more lies from him each and every day. Yesterday he allowed my children to meet his new 'finace' at the park along with her little 4 year old girl and then they all, like a new happy little family, went to Applebees. My spouse would not tell me that he allowed HER to meet them. I told him earlier that I didnt think that would be appropriate unless he is planning on marrying her (something he still adamantly denies yet I have strong and solid email proof they are planning a wedding and buying wedding rings).

He is insensative and incredibly disrespectful. I cannot wait to get myself out of this situation. I hate that NV is a no fault state for divorce. That does nt hold him responsible for what he has done to break up our family. I am frustrated trying to get what I feel like I deserve and what I feel like is in the best interest of the children.

His family is also very deceptive, which Ive mentioned before and they are trying to cheat me out of some of the family fortune from some of my husbands property that is being sold within the next few days. They have taken my name off of the deed without my knowledge. I am just feeling really out of control of my entire situation. I am feeling really angry inside. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, cried and cried for answers. I just want this FIXED!

[Guest mirancs8]

Mirancs

Thank you for your support. I so wish it was in my nature to do something like what you said about throwing the mattress out in the front yard. Believe me, I have wanted to do something like that and I think it would be quite therapeutic but alas I just dont think I have it in me.

Ow I flap my lips saying this stuff but there are a few people who know me very well and will tell you that I would NEVER have the guts to even do that. I'll talk it to death but it's not my nature either to do such things. I talk big but I'm not so tough once you get to know me well.

I get to hear more and more lies from him each and every day. Yesterday he allowed my children to meet his new 'finace' at the park along with her little 4 year old girl and then they all, like a new happy little family, went to Applebees. My spouse would not tell me that he allowed HER to meet them. I told him earlier that I didnt think that would be appropriate unless he is planning on marrying her (something he still adamantly denies yet I have strong and solid email proof they are planning a wedding and buying wedding rings).

That is just horrible! Well my ex does things like that but it's more like he tries to see how much he can push against the rules in place. Such an example would be visitation where he won't bring the children home at the specific time. Instead he brings them 3 hours later with all kinds of stupid stories along with it.

He is insensative and incredibly disrespectful. I cannot wait to get myself out of this situation. I hate that NV is a no fault state for divorce. That does nt hold him responsible for what he has done to break up our family. I am frustrated trying to get what I feel like I deserve and what I feel like is in the best interest of the children.

Ow yeah! Welcome to my world!!! I live in Arizona and yes that is also a no fault state. Make it much more difficult for me as he was picking up prostitutes and such. None of it counts. None of it matters in the court of law.

His family is also very deceptive, which Ive mentioned before and they are trying to cheat me out of some of the family fortune from some of my husbands property that is being sold within the next few days. They have taken my name off of the deed without my knowledge. I am just feeling really out of control of my entire situation. I am feeling really angry inside. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, cried and cried for answers. I just want this FIXED!

Do you have any family yourself? Not his family but your family... anyone? Is he expecting you to leave or is he going to leave? Yes... ow yes I've said that line a hundred times "I just want this FIXED!" Yup I keep saying that I just want this over, fixed, done with so I can move on. Instead I feel like I've been pressed up against a brick wall with my face slowing getting cut each time I think all is going OK suddenly wham my face goes right to the wall again.

Makes one wonder... am I that awful? Have I don't something in my life to deserve this? Does he not value what I sacraficed throughout the marriages? Does he not have a heart to remember all that I did throughout the years? Does he not see how he is causing such pain to the mother of his children... worse yet the pain he's causing to his children?

You'll eventually get over all the pain he's caused you but unfortunately the children will carry that for their lives. My oldest son has been traumatized by his father and every time he comes home from a visitation I spend hours trying to set him back to the right place... a happy place in his mind.

[FairChild]

He's abusive. You really need a lawyer. If you can't afford one, try calling the local domestic abuse shelter and talk with them. They will give you ideas on how to document and possibly find a lawyer that will work with you. Prayers are come to you from me. You will make it. It won't be easy, but it will be possible. FC

[baver3]

I didnt think he was abusive for a very long time until some really good friends had to straight out tell me. It was really hard to accept, first of all for the fact that I didnt want to admit that I allowed that kind of thing. Because when it goes on for years you are the one that allows it by not standing up for yourself. And secondly I didnt want to believe it because it worried me even more of what he was capable of. (Hes a sheriff deputy and extremely aggressive).

The consequence to realizing it and now having to deal with him is that I have become extremely commbatant with him whenever we exchange words. I have gotten really mouthy with him and I get defensive super easy and I can get loud. In some ways it really bothers me and I feel like I am rotting inside. I fear of what this divorce will turn me into and I dont want that. But on the other hand I see that thats how I HAVE to be with him. Otherwise he will walk all over me and railroad me.

Four months ago I confronted his 'girlfriend' and called her on the phone to find out whats going on between them because HE WOULD NOT ADMIT that she was more than just a friend. Somehow he thought if he kept saying they were only friends, then he could continue the relationship in good fiath and that I would continue to let him live in the house and be with the kids. In that conversation I had with her I divulged a little bit too much information and yes, I did tell her that he was abusive. Looking back I dont think she 'deserved' my call and she can find out for herself the good, bad and ugly about this person. She wouldnt listen to me anyways and at the time it was NOT my intent to warn her or anything like that, thats just what came out of my mouth.

The further I get from this situation, the clearer I see that he has some kind of problem BEYOND me. I think he could possibly have borderline personality disorder or something. In addition, he drinks heavily and is overly overly overly selfish. Seeing that it is beyond me helps me to come to the realization that there was nothing I could have done to change the situation or to 'save' the marriage and that because of the circumstances (unless I did EVERYTHING he said and wanted me to do and act) it was all going downhill and would end.

[JudoMinja]

Hello again, just got back on here and have read the newer posts. Now that you've provided more information, I can say I definitely agree with FairChild. This man is abusive, and you should stay as far away from him as possible. I wouldn't be concerned about any financial losses with the divorce. Yes, it can be very hard to let that stuff go, especially when you're being faced with becoming a single mother, but in the grand scheme of things that just doesn't matter.

What matters is that you provide the best environment you can for yourself and your children- an environment that does not include this man. That is the approach I am taking with my own son. When I left my husband, I had to do it secretively, because I knew if he found out I was leaving he'd hold me hostage and perhaps even kill me. In a situation like that, nothing matters but safety. When he had me leave the apartment to pick up a few things for him, I brought my four-month old son with me in the stroller and took only what I could fit in the little basket on the bottom without him figuring out that I was leaving for good. I stayed with some college friends for a night (he didn't know them or where they lived), and then a friend from where my parents live came to pick me up and take me home.

My husband had an attitude very similar to yours. He was very self-centered, cared more about himself than anything else. He expected me to keep our apartment spotless despite being bedridden for half my pregnancy, to do all the cooking, dishes, laundry, etc. He also expected me to be the one to get a job (he had no job because he'd lost his wrestling career due to a back injury) so that he could be the stay-at-home-dad, which really meant he just wanted to have an excuse to sit on the couch playing games and watching movies all the time. He expected me to be there at his every beck and call for everything he wanted and needed. His expectations were rediculous.

It wasn't until after I left and had been away for a few months that things finally started coming together and I realized just how selfish he is. He was incapable of understanding my feelings, because he thought of everything in relation to himself and how it affected him.

This divorce will be good for you in many ways. I am sure it is hard to see that now, and that you are probably still struck with this feeling that you need to save/fix your marriage, but divorce is for the better.

When it comes to the legal matters, I think (don't know for sure) that even though you are in a "no fault" state, they will still take into consideration any evidence you can bring up regarding faults (like his abuse and adultery). This will be important in making sure he is interacting with your children as little as possible. You don't want them around that influence.

Any rotting has occured because of being with him, not because of divorcing him. Divorce will give you an opportunity to heal, and as you spend more and more time away from him you will feel like a better person.

[baver3]

So far I feel totally defeated by the system, the legal system. They have their formulas and their rules and I hate how they dont take into account a lying sack of garbage of a dad.

He is a better dad now than he ever was before becuase he did all his fathering AT A DISTANCE. Now he only gets to see them twice a month and at least is making an effort to actually go and do things with them. A while ago I once asked him for help getting the kids ready for bed and for him to help them brush their teeth. He said 'I dont do teeth'. In the four years weve had kids, hes only given them a bath twice and Im pretty sure he was cursing my name under his breath the entire time.

He told me often that I do NOTHING and that my contribution to the family NOTHING. It was always so hurtful because as a mother I was constantly sacrificing my own needs and wants for my children as well as for him. I went without for a very long time and in the meantime he made me feel like garbage about myself and that I didnt deserve any kind of reprieve. I never felt like it was fair but I tried to please him and overall I tried to avoid a lot of contention in our home. I love my children so I have a hard time complaining about caring for them.

We agreed (or so I thought) that I would stay home with the kids. After all both our moms did that and I thought that we both understood the importance of a stay at home mom. But then he would rail me for not having a job and that I should go get off my "azz" and get a job. In some strange way it became all about money for him and he was pretty cruel about it. Behind my back he would buy what he wanted and even put $850 on my credit card behind my back for a bike part. He always saw the money that he brought into the household as HIS money. Basically he made me feel like it was my job to cook and clean and I GOT to live there. I felt like a second class maid.

Yes, I am happy to be getting out. Yes, I see how bad it was getting (NOW). I wish I could have seen it sooner but I cannot look back now.

Thank you for your input regarding the financial stuff. I really want to stay mad about losing out on the money but truly you are right and he can care about money all he wants but it will never get his family back and it will never fix his own life and his own disasterous personal issues. Thank goodness I dont have to deal with his problems anymore. His drama is no longer for me to worry about or be angry over.

Judo, I cannot believe you could only take a basket full of your belongings. That is so scary. I am so happy you are out of there. What a terrifying experience. I know it is hard to understand at the time you go through something difficult but your experience truly do and can affect others for good. So inspiring.

[JudoMinja]

I understand all too well what your experience must have been like. I don't know if any of the abuse you went through was physical, but I am actually glad that mine was. If there had not been physical abuse, I would have stuck it out longer and ended up with my son being damaged by the relationship too. It is so hard to see abuse for what it really is when you are in the midst of it. It is so hard to see that the best thing to do is to leave. Even when the lives of myself and my baby were in danger, it was the hardest thing for me to do- to follow through with leaving. There have been a couple others on here and people I've talked to personally at church that have related their experiences with abusive husbands whom they stayed with for several years, and even though the physical aspect of my abuse was horrible I am so glad it happened so that I was pushed to leave as quickly as I did.

I truly sympathize for you and your children and everyone else involved in abusive relationships. In fact, that is the main reason I've made a career change and am going to police officer training. I hope, with this career, I can help others going through domestic violence. I hope I can be blessed with the perception to pick up on what is going on when called to settle domestic disputes so those in abusive relationships will have the evidence they need to back up court matters when they leave.

Hind sight is 20/20. We all wish we could have seen better to avoid hurt in the past, but really we should be greatful for the experience. It is the experience that teaches us and helps us relate to others. If we avoid hurt, we won't learn.

Feel free to vent as much as you need. And if there is any advice I can offer to help you get through the details of your divorce, just let me know what you are having trouble with. Sometimes, just knowing that there are others who have been through a similar experience is all it takes. You are in my prayers.

[baver3]

I know what you are saying about sticking it out unless there had been physical abuse. Maybe thats why I stayed in the marriage for so long.

First of all, I was LDS and he was NOT. I am also a returned missionary and very active in church. I gave him A LOT of slack and forgiveness in the area of his behavior because he isnt LDS and isnt expected to live up to the standards I have and I did not force my lifestyle on him.

In our first year of marriage I found porn on the computer. I was shocked. He only did it when I was out of town or away and out of the house. He manipulated the situation and told me I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS NOT NORMAL because everyone else on this planet looks at porn.

A few years later right before our first child was born I found many many porn videos. He said his friends gavei t to him at the bachelor party but the dates on the movies were AFTER we got married. I also caught him (though I never told him) getting porn movies in the mail and then he would hide that stuff from me. We didnt have the internet at the time at home so I knew he wasnt doing it then but yet he had those dvds when I went out of town.

Every now and then porn would creep its way back into our marriage. I found out that he ordered a porn on our satelite tv while I was out of town again last year. He blamed it on his friends. I didnt believe him since he had a 'history' of it.

Even with the porn it was NOT a deal breaker for me. He knew and understood my feelings on it. He did not keep it in the house. I do feel like it negatively impacted our relationship and we just were not growing closer. I did not trust him.

Leaving him in December (the week before xmas) was hard. And looking back I wish I would have been more hard core about it but I think I handled it the best way I could in the only way I knew how. He had been drinking A LOT for the past year. I started to see a lot of changes in him but the one that was the biggest was his feelings for me. In the end I think it just became too much for him to live up to who I am as a person. In my honest opinion, he needs someone more at his level and I need someone who actually has a testimory and will treasure me for who I really am. He didnt care or value my experience and sacrifice of serving a mission or my testimony of the gospel. In some ways I threw my pearls to swine because he didnt value any of those spiritual gifts that I have.

We are now in the middle of mediation and it is sheer HELL. Does anyone have any insight or advice on dealing with mediation?

[MisterT]

You can deal with mediation the way I did.. by completely ignoring it.

My ex-wife left me after 12 years while I was away on business; she called me every day I was gone and was unusually supportive and encouraging. I guess I should have guessed something was up because of her overly friendly way of talking to me (for the previous few years she was aloof and dispassionate). She was so nice I called her and told her I was coming home a day early and I wanted to take her on a little trip. She sounded excited and said I should call her when I got to the airport as she might want me to pick up some stuff from the market.

I called her and she said "just come on home," so I did, talking to her all the way into the driveway... wherein I found a weeks worth of mail piled up on the porch. I knew something was wrong, and when I opened the front door it looked like a bomb went off. Nearly everything was gone, and what wasn't taken was tossed around like trash.

It hurt me so much that when she filed for divorce from another state I just ignored all of the summons and let her get a summary judgement (after 2 years). The court was fair and I didn't have to spend my time driving 1500 miles round-trip to deal with things.

Of course, your mileage may vary; but I couldn't deal with seeing her after how she left me ($47.00 to my name and nothing but a pillow to sleep on), and to this day I have as little to do with her as possible.

[crazypotato]

Hi,

I am really sorry for what you are going through, but I think you should not blame everything on him. I know he is acting like a complete A right now and the entire marriage, probably, but you need to find out through counseling, or whatever, why you put up with it for so long, didn't leave, or fight back. Otherwise, you are in danger of being unhappy and in more unhealthy relationships.

Find a SUPER GOOD counselor if needed. I have been to plenty of really bad counselors. A lot of them are trained to think that abuse occurs because the man is a pig and the woman has no self esteem, so all they need to do is help the woman work on her self esteem and teach her what her rights are as a human. This is oversimplified. There are parts of you that may feel that you deserved the way he treated you. There are also parts of you that may feel that he is a terrible human being with no redeeming qualities and that everything was his fault. All of these beliefs need to be worked on because it is more complicated than that. I wish I could help you more. I hope you can move back in with your parents and that they are decent, but I wouldn't be surprised if you said your parents were not ideal to live with.

Hugs! I've not been in the exact place as you, but similar.

[dazed-and-confused]

i am very sorry to read of you perdicament (spelling??..lol). i really can't imagine the drain, physically, emotionally and spiritually being placed upon you. i see that you have already met and received some great responses by really good people. i believe that the friends you make here will bring some measure of strength and guidance to you.

welcome.

[baver3]

Crazy Potato, you are right. I DO need to ask myself why I stayed for so long. I feel like I REALLY TRIED hard to love him. And even though times were tough and I felt stifled, I just didnt think I should just bail on the marriage. I tried to work things out. He wasnt happy with me. Thats the reason things went bad. I did things he didnt like. He said he didnt want to feel quilty for going to bars instead of coming home to his family and he also didnt want to feel guilty for drinking so much and he felt like I shouldnt give him such a hard time about porn. Eventually all of his behaviors added up to me wanting out and away. For some reason it just takes longer than others. And I feel like I am a pretty forgiving person, otherwise I would have kicked him to the curb long ago.

I think my situation was just so that is just barely went under the radar, meaning I never really saw it as abuse. I really saw it as two conflicting personalities and different lifestyles and we tried hard to mesh them. However we all know you cant serve God and mammon. I felt defeated trying to have the spirit in our home and teach my children what was right. He was also impeding that in some way. I felt very frustrated and honestly I could not see everything clearly until I stepped back.

His demands on me were too high. Clearly there were so many things wrong with our relationship that eventually made it impossible to get along and now that he has made poor choice after poor choice I jusst want to move on and away from him.

[crazypotato]

Baver3,

I have had a difficult marriage. Of course all marriages are different and I can't pretend to know all about yours, but I remember talking to my bishop about some of our issues. He and one of my counselors both indicated to me that some women, married to the same man, would have completely walked away immediately. And the bishop warned me that many women who get a divorce, even a justified divorce like yours, are going to have problems throughout their lives unless they understand themselves better. You said that you were trying so hard to save your marriage and were trying to accept his differences. I am sure at the same time, though, you were hurting so much and for some reason, that was okay with you. It sounds corny, but what kind of marriage did your parents have? That really shapes you as a person sometimes. Did they divorce and so you were trying to keep a bad marriage together regardless of how bad it was? Or did your dad treat your mom badly? These are all things to consider.

A dear friend of mine divorced her husband because he was terrible to her. They had one kid together. Afterwards, she went to counseling to overcome his abuse. She eventually remarried. But she said the men she dated started out kind of lame and progressively got better until she found her husband. She thinks that this paralelled her recovery. I know another woman who divorced a mean man after many, many years of marriage. She thought she would be happy once she freed herself from him, but although her life was more peaceful, her self-esteem was and still is shot.

So I am just worried about your entire life, and am trying to fix it! Sorry! I get on here because I have learned so much the hard way that I just hope I can help someone the way others have helped me.

[JudoMinja]

Thank you CrazyPotato. I don't know why I overlooked that aspect. It is very important to do everything we can to fix ourselves, especially after coming out of an abusive relationship. Many like to blame everything on the other person, but doing this sets you up for failure as blame is just an escape from personal responsibility. While you are not responsible for the abuse, baver, you are responsible for your faults that led you into such a relationship and kept you there. Those faults can be improved if you are willing to work on them, which it sounds like you are. Too many people end up in one bad relationship after another because they don't work on what they can, themselves.

I also understand what you mean about not seeing what you went through as abuse, baver. If you thought it was abusive, you would have done everything you could to correct it. Since you didn't see it that way, you let it slide, thinking you needed to be more understanding, accomodating, and forgiving.

If you are interested, I would suggest you read my blog entry titled "Domestic Violence". I was working with my counselor on understanding the dynamics of my own abuse, what caused me to stay, how I broke through my limited mindset, and how to work on avoiding future abuse. It may help you identify areas that might have affected you as well.

[Guest mirancs8]

You can deal with mediation the way I did.. by completely ignoring it.

My ex-wife left me after 12 years while I was away on business; she called me every day I was gone and was unusually supportive and encouraging. I guess I should have guessed something was up because of her overly friendly way of talking to me (for the previous few years she was aloof and dispassionate). She was so nice I called her and told her I was coming home a day early and I wanted to take her on a little trip. She sounded excited and said I should call her when I got to the airport as she might want me to pick up some stuff from the market.

I called her and she said "just come on home," so I did, talking to her all the way into the driveway... wherein I found a weeks worth of mail piled up on the porch. I knew something was wrong, and when I opened the front door it looked like a bomb went off. Nearly everything was gone, and what wasn't taken was tossed around like trash.

It hurt me so much that when she filed for divorce from another state I just ignored all of the summons and let her get a summary judgement (after 2 years). The court was fair and I didn't have to spend my time driving 1500 miles round-trip to deal with things.

Of course, your mileage may vary; but I couldn't deal with seeing her after how she left me ($47.00 to my name and nothing but a pillow to sleep on), and to this day I have as little to do with her as possible.

Wow, I have to say that is the most mean heartless story of a breakup I have hear to date. I can't even imagine being that brutal. Hi Honey so happy your on your way home... ow and yes I've got a surprise for you. POW! Like taking a high speed train head on. I can't even imagine what that must have felt like. Gees when I was leaving my ex he knew all about it and I kept arms reach from him at all times. Had no desire to lead him on and then smash him in the face while kissing him at the same time.

Only 2 things come to mind when I hear this... either you really pissed her off at some point OR she was just like this.

[lost123]

Definitely get a lawyer...right away. You need to contact your family and your bishop and tell them that you need legal advice desperately. I know it takes money. But right now you need to do what you can to protect any assets that may be yours. Seek legal advice and know that you are entitled to it. Ask your bishop for help

[baver3]

I hired an attorney about a month ago. All the papers are in the works and that is a good feeling that the ball is rolling but I am still willing to go to mediation with my spouse to hopefully work things out in a 'cheaper' way.

Yes, I started seeing a therapist. I quit though becuase this lady (LDS family services) was incredibly flakey and would show up late. One time after I had returned from a trip on a certain day JUST to NOT miss my therapist appt, I arrived and she never showed up. She later called me and asked what was going on and how things were going. I totally called her on the fact that she never showed up and even though we had an appointment thought I would excuse her because she said she had surgery. Whatever, we had an appointment and if something came up, she should have called me. Another time she showed up 30 minutes late. It just really bothered me because I had to get a sitter each time and I felt like I need someone a lot more reliable who will take what I am going through more seriously. When I move back to Cali I will get a new therapist. For now I am just floating...

I have been trying to analyze what my fault is in this failed relationship. I believe I was too passive. I believe I didnt speak up. I let too many things slide. I should have spoken up more and not feared the emotional consequences of doing so. I tried to 'fix' things between us WITHIN myself and obviously that CANNOT happen. The biggest issue with our relationship was that we were unequally yoked. I think we just were not meant to be together. We belong in different worlds. The more I realize this, the less mad I feel inside for all the wrongs that I feel were done against me. I think that is a healthy way to see it.

My spouse was abusive in a very very sly and manipulative way. Yes, some women would have probably run from him as fast as possible but like i said it was extremely cunning. I am happy that I did not give into his manipulation and start beleiving his lies, like how porn is 'normal' and other lies he used to tell me.

When he found out I was pregnant he wanted me to miscarry and told me he wanted an abortion. Now he is asking his new girlfriend/fiance to get pregnant and telld her he wants kids. I just dont get this person. I believe he is now manipulating her. He may not want more kids but will tell her those things to make her think he is someone else. He did that to me so many times. He would tell me one thing and then the next week would take a completely different side on an issue.

It doesnt hurt me anymore that he says things like that. I dont understand what he wants and I dont want to be privy to all the craziness of his life. I have become a very confrontational person with him. I have changed into someone who before would internalize my emotions and now I am no longer afraid of those consequenses of speaking my mind. I dont care if he gets mad at me, whereas before I walked on eggshells all day long.

I feel free.

[rren]

Bave3, I think both of these videos will help you immensely. Please take the time to watch:

[MsQwerty]

Hi Baver3 - wow, I am just so sorry for what you are going through right now. But if it helps at all, many of us have been through similar situations and survived very well. I have a couple of things to add it that's ok.

First of all, I can't tell you how disgusted I am that any man would leave his 7 month pregnant wife and young children - that speaks volumes about his lack of character. No matter what excuses he tells himself, it's utterly despicable and there is simply no way to justify it.

Now for some advice if you want it: Be sure to keep the children with you and in your custody - when some men realize how much they will be paying in child support, they will try and take the kids into their own custody to live with them and their new girlfriend. If you haven't done so already, get temporary custody orders drawn up so he can't legally take the children from you. This is vital. It's amazing how paternal even the worst fathers can suddenly become when they realise they're going to have to part with money and give it to their ex-spouse.

He will also get a big shock when this matter goes to court - because generally speaking you are entitled to at least half of all the assets acquired throughout the marriage. If he has property, cars, inheritances, superannuation, whatever - it is all half yours, no matter what kind of manipulative garbage he's said to make you feel that you haven't 'contributed' to the marriage. Make sure your lawyer knows about the property deed you mentioned earlier.

I know too that you are doing the inevitable post-mortem on the relationship, trying to figure out if he's really that horrible or if you somehow 'caused' the breakdown of the relationship. I will just say that this time next year, it will be easier. Divorce will be settled, you will be in a new home with your children and they will go to visit their dad from time to time. Then the next year it will be even easier... and before you know it you just won't care what he's doing or who he's doing it with. All you'll care about is getting on with YOUR life and making the best possible life for your children.

You will be surprised at how much happier you will be once you have put this relationship behind you. Imagine a daily life FREE of the stress and guilt you have been under with this man? Begin to see him as separate from you - your happiness is not dependent on him.

Begin to see him only as the father of your children and (unless there is abuse of course) do what it takes to nurture their relationship with him. What he does with that opportunity is up to him, but you have to know in fifteen or twenty years time that you did your absolute best to keep those channels of communication open. People do manage, even after the most acrimonious of divorces, to be at least civil to each other for the sake of the children.

From one who has been in a similar situation - keep your eyes focused towards the future. Tell yourself every day 'in one year from now...' and visualise where you will be. Then do what it takes to get your and your children there.

The stress you are under is enormous, so I hope you are getting some support to help you with the kids while you are pregnant from family, friends or the church. I think you mentioned you've spoken to your bishop - if you haven't, let him and the RS president know of your needs so the church can take at least a little of the burden from your shoulders at this time. Even if it's just in the form of meals or someone to talk to.

Bless you and your little ones - I'll keep you in my prayers too.