Advice on interrupters

[Guest shiz]

I am struggling with a person in my life that interrupts constantly. I usually have to try and repeat the thing 4-5 times and sometimes just give up trying to say what i wanted to say.

I asked their spouse how to handle it, because they have told me before that their spouse does that, and thought they could give me some advice.

They laid into me and said it was a shame that two adults couldn't talk to each other without without one getting offended. I tried to explain that I wasn't offended, it was just an issue i needed advice on.

they then said that I needed to talk to their spouse, and that they hoped I knew that it wasn't all the interrupters fault, that I probably shared some blame too. THey then explained that they accept me for who i am, why shouldn't I accept them for who they are. I tried to explain calmly that interrupting does not define a person's identity, what defines us as a person is how we react to difficult situations. These are natural man things, and it is our duty to look inward and see when we need to change. They continued to tell me how i was in the wrong but could not name anything i had done, but that when I and the interruptor talked, they would probably tell me my faults. I tried to tell them that I am more than happy to hear when i hurt people so i can remedy it.

I sorta got thumped on, and usually when I get got like that, i get angry and react dynamically. I didn't this time, BUT I still need to have a talk with the interrupter tonite. What do i say? I am a bit nervous.

[Hemidakota]

You need to be blunt and tell the individual to allow you to speak before making a comment. If the individual is humble enough, they will make the change to one’s character. But do it with a smiling face, yet, be adamant in your cause in standing your ground with this person.

[Guest shiz]

thank you hemi.

I know now that I have indeed done something wrong. I have enabled them. I let them treat me and others poorly without consequence. That hit me like a ton of bricks.

It is hard to know when to let something slide, and to be "long-suffering" and when to speak out.

[Gwen]

might help you to figure out why they do it. often ppl with add will interrupt. their brain is moving so fast all the time. it's often without knowing they do it. understanding it doesn't make it less annoying but sometimes easier to deal with.

i would not approach it like you think they have some major character flaw that needs changing. just an issue for the two of you to work on your communication skills (maybe it's not that they interrupt but that you communicate very slowly and it's annoying them). some kind of hand gesture might help. something that you can do when you are done and it's their turn to talk or something they can do to let you know they feel they really really have to interject with something. may seem awkward at first but can be good. if they have to signal to you they want to say something and let you pause before they speak then they will start to notice just how much they do it. will cause it to become more conscious, might start to ask themselves if this thought is really worth it and start to reduce their interruptions.

[Wingnut]

If the individual is humble enough, they will make the change to one’s character.

I disagree. Some people come from a family background where everyone converses at the same time and interrupts each other, and in that setting, it's fine. Others come from a family background where one person at a time speaks, and when they're done, others respond. When two people like this get together, adjustments and allowances need to be made, but there's no reason that one person or the other needs to change a way of existence they've been accustomed to for more than 20 years.

[dazed-and-confused]

i always like....."excuse me for talking while you're interupting me."

[Guest shiz]

but there's no reason that one person or the other needs to change a way of existence they've been accustomed to for more than 20 years.

I disagree on this one.

Some family traditions need to be changed. Especially if they are harmful, and causing another grief..within reason.

[dazed-and-confused]

i guess rudeness can be relative. it might be a sign (the interuptions) of a need for attention, or, some kind of aggresion unresoved within the person.........maybe.

[FairChild]

When she tries to interupt or get off track and/or change the subject, say, "Yes, we can talk about that later, but right now we were talking about "****" and get back to the subject that you needed to talk about. if it doesn't work, then just walk away when it happens and when she ask why, tell her "You were interupting me, so I understood that you were not interested in anything I had to say." Put the shoe back on her foot. If she is doing it to you, she must be doing it to everyone. It's time she breaks a very bad habit. Let us know what you try and how it all works. Good luck. Use prayer and a blessing if you need one. FC

[Wingnut]

I disagree on this one.

Some family traditions need to be changed. Especially if they are harmful, and causing another grief..within reason.

Interrupting may be an annoyance, but I think you'd be hard pressed to call it harmful.

[Guest shiz]

if it keeps the holy ghost from being present, then it is harmful. The holy ghost would come, and it left when the interruptions came.

Edited April 28, 2010 by shiz

[ryanh]

Interrupting may be an annoyance, but I think you'd be hard pressed to call it harmful.

That is a pretty unfair assessment of the OP's position. Perhaps it doesn't bother you, or perhaps you have never had to deal with it in a similar situation to the OP. But invalidating someone whom is feeling like a victim is neither a way to help, nor a way to get them to consider your advice.

Like Gwen, I was thinking ADHD. There are many people that simply cannot help themselves unless they seek medical treatment. And, yes, that does cause serious troubles in their lives (yes, harmful, not just an annoyance). One of the major complaints of those married to a pwADHD is the inability to communicate - it short circuits problem solving, collaboration, and emotional intimacy. As a consequence, the divorce rate for those with ADHD is double the rate experienced by the general population! And a pwADHD is 4 times more likely to have complains of poor-quality relationships!!! Clearly harmful. ADHD in Adults

How did the meeting go last night Shiz?

Do you have to work with this person? A calling? One strategy to deal with people that cannot control themselves is to write the topic on a sheet of paper, and place that between the two of you. Keep that topic right there, in sight, to assist staying on topic.

[Hemidakota]

might help you to figure out why they do it. often ppl with add will interrupt. their brain is moving so fast all the time. it's often without knowing they do it. understanding it doesn't make it less annoying but sometimes easier to deal with.

i would not approach it like you think they have some major character flaw that needs changing. just an issue for the two of you to work on your communication skills (maybe it's not that they interrupt but that you communicate very slowly and it's annoying them). some kind of hand gesture might help. something that you can do when you are done and it's their turn to talk or something they can do to let you know they feel they really really have to interject with something. may seem awkward at first but can be good. if they have to signal to you they want to say something and let you pause before they speak then they will start to notice just how much they do it. will cause it to become more conscious, might start to ask themselves if this thought is really worth it and start to reduce their interruptions.

Have you noticed this among computer nerds?

[Gwen]

Have you noticed this among computer nerds?

the short answer yes. though i'll admit to not quite understanding the question. lol

i'm sorry that i can't provide a reference for this but i did read something once that talked about how more and more ppl are showing the symptoms of being ADD but actually do not have the disorder. there was a time when having the brain going as fast as possible and thinking about 10 things at once was bad. thus ppl who naturally do that all the time got diagnosed as ADD. it was a bad thing and needed fixing. we still medicate for it. then you take ppl that don't have it. strap their cell phone to their ear, give them computers that "multi task" and ask them to take calls, do 10 different computer tasks and deal with ppl in the office. they can't do it, their brains aren't made for it. i find it quite ironic. "normal" ppl "multi task" and it's a wonderful thing. ppl with ADD should be treated because it's bad.

though being ADD has had many negative effects on my life i wouldn't give it up. the benefits for me far outweigh the cost in my opinion.

though to try and get back on topic. i haven't noticed computer nerds to interrupt all that much. the greater task is getting them to join the real life conversations. lol

[ryanh]

First, research shows that ADHD is significantly under-diagnosed, not over-diagnosed. This is largely because understanding of ADHD is still developing. And, it will take time for the current research to filter to the front-lines of clinical practice. There will always be miss-diagnoses, but don't be throwing the baby out with the bathwater over anecdotal ideas.

then you take ppl that don't have it. strap their cell phone to their ear, give them computers that "multi task" and ask them to take calls, do 10 different computer tasks and deal with ppl in the office. they can't do it, their brains aren't made for it. i find it quite ironic. "normal" ppl "multi task" and it's a wonderful thing. ppl with ADD should be treated because it's bad.

The key difference is the ability to choose to be a multi-tasker, and be able to switch one's focus to something that needs attention without distraction.

ADHD is a spectrum disorder. Perhaps you don't have it too bad. But, for many, it means they can't get critical tasks completed, spend their time spinning their wheels jumping from one task to the next, or can't hold a rational conversation without diverting onto a dozen tangents. So, there is a good basis for generically labeling the disorder as "bad" similar to how we label depression or diabetes as "bad". There are lesser cases that are not debilitating, but that does not mean the label is incorrect.

[Gwen]

First, research shows that ADHD is significantly under-diagnosed, not over-diagnosed. This is largely because understanding of ADHD is still developing. And, it will take time for the current research to filter to the front-lines of clinical practice. There will always be miss-diagnoses, but don't be throwing the baby out with the bathwater over anecdotal ideas.

The key difference is the ability to choose to be a multi-tasker, and be able to switch one's focus to something that needs attention without distraction.

ADHD is a spectrum disorder. Perhaps you don't have it too bad. But, for many, it means they can't get critical tasks completed, spend their time spinning their wheels jumping from one task to the next, or can't hold a rational conversation without diverting onto a dozen tangents. So, there is a good basis for generically labeling the disorder as "bad" similar to how we label depression or diabetes as "bad". There are lesser cases that are not debilitating, but that does not mean the label is incorrect.

i wasn't trying to suggest that the diagnosis was overly handed out or that it was not real. i agree there is a huge difference in one who mimics the symptoms and one who truly has it. one of the biggest differences is if you create the symptoms then you can undo them the same way. someone with ADD can't change it by "better habits". i think the diagnostic process has a lot of improvement needed.

i know that my ADD isn't as severe as others. nearly everyone in my family is ADD on a different level. i know how bad it can be. there can be a lot bad with it and some need meds to help deal with it. there is also a difference between ADD and ADHD. there is also a large range for it, not just in severity but how it deficits your attention. some will hyper focus as much as another can't focus. with the right severity both will be just as damaging to someone's life.

i said for me, and yes i have a lot of bad that comes with mine, i find i would rather have it than be without. some days are worse than others and i do curse that i have to deal with it.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I find interrupting annoying, and I've been guilty of it myself, unfortunately.

I get interrupted a lot in my work because I'm required to look at complex problems and solve them when people bring them to me. I tend to be thoughtful and need silence when I figure out the problem. Often the people bringing me the problem start talking to me as I'm solving the problem, pointing out aspects of the problem they think will help me, interrupting my thinking.

I'm just straight up with them -- and I tell them kindly -- "I need a few moments to think quietly about this, as I know there is a solution -- but you keep talking which interrupts my train of thought -- can you give me a minute to absorb this?"

Sometimes people in the room laugh when I say this; I'm not sure why, but the problem gets solved and the person doesn't do it again. And they don't seem offended.

In conversation -- when people interrupt me, I've said "I'm actually not finished yet, and you keep interrupting me". When they interrupt, I say, "I can address that in a minute, but I'm not finished yet. Can I finish?".

I've also said "I'm not finished yet -- hold on a second" a few times so they get the message if they do it repeatedly.

If I find they do nothing but interrupt in spite of me telling them I find it overly annoying (indirectly, as above), it's time to part company if I can avoid them.....

Now, when I interrupt people, particularly my Dad, he says in an annoyed voice "LET ME FINISH!!!" It's my Dad, so it's not a big deal, but I think I would find that offensive from someone who wasn't a close family member.

Why do people interrupt? For me, it's because my mind is usually four steps ahead of what the person is saying, and I'm reasoning through the implications of what they said. I have to discipline myself to shut up and listen to their long explanations of things I understood 3 minutes ago, but I think it's gentlemanly to do so.

[ryanh]

I'd send you a PM Gwen, but your settings don't allow that. Currently, under the DSM IV, there is no distinction between ADD and ADHD. It is now all lumped into one name - ADHD with three subtypes. Obviously, Amen and other's would argue that there are only three subtypes. DSM V is currently under development. Whether the powers that be maintain it as is or change the name/designations remains to be seen. Personally, I really wish they would start afresh and quit calling it attention deficit. That is a misnomer IMO.

To relate to the OP, just because someone interrupts a lot does not mean that ADHD is present. As Wing pointed out, it may be a learned communication style.

Also, what many in the general public have no understanding of is that many people with ADHD have no hyperactivity symptoms. Just because this person you are dealing with Shiz may have no hyperactivity doesn't mean it's something they can't control. They may, or they may not be able to. You'll just have to work your way through it and see if you two can meet somewhere in the middle.

A label won't solve anything anyway. Mormonmusic has some good suggestions.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I disagree. Some people come from a family background where everyone converses at the same time and interrupts each other, and in that setting, it's fine. Others come from a family background where one person at a time speaks, and when they're done, others respond. When two people like this get together, adjustments and allowances need to be made, but there's no reason that one person or the other needs to change a way of existence they've been accustomed to for more than 20 years.

I think this is where it takes maturity to solve the problem, You have to talk openly about it an atmosphere of respect -- and only if it's becoming a relationship issue.

I had a similar situation when I started dating my wife. She came from a family of 5 kids and THEY WERE LOUD!!! Her parents were loud. My family was quiet -- we spoke quietly, and didn't interrupt very much. It drove me nuts when I was at my wife-to-be's house.

I had an open conversation with them about this once, and my wife's parents said THEY both came from large families where if you were going to get heard, you had to speak loud and interrupt. Otherwise, you were lost in the volume of conversation that happened.

I explained how I found it hard to handle. My father-in-law to be said "Well, if you're going to join us, you're going to have to accept us the way we are". It was the only time he really rebuked me for something I didn't approve of.

So, I tolerated this aspect of the relationship, but only because I really loved my soon-to-be-wife and I didn't have to live with her family. If the relationship was arm's length, like a friend at Church, or co-worker, I wouldn't bother to go over their house or do anything where that culture prevailed, it was so irritating. I would leave the room when their family was blowing off the roof with loud conversation and interrupting if I could, quietly so as not to appear angry.

Sometimes, you just have to tolerate people and/or minimize the interaction you have with them if it gets to be too much....

[Maureen]

...Personally, I really wish they would start afresh and quit calling it attention deficit. That is a misnomer IMO....

I'm curious, what should it be called in your opinion ryan?

M.

[ryanh]

There is no "deficit" of attention. It is a matter of regulating where attention is focused. The name would lead a person to think there are truly "deficits". That is a narrow line of thought in defining what we currently understand. The name was coined in a era when all that was understood was 'hyperactive grade-school boys that wouldn't pay attention'. ADHD is so much more than that.

I don't even name most of my pets! So, I'm not the one to ask about a proper name. But I can clearly recognize the current label doesn't fit.

[john doe]

I rarely raise my hand before talking in Priesthood Meeting. Does that make me an interrupter?

[Maureen]

...I don't even name most of my pets! ...

You don't, how many pets do you have?

M.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I rarely raise my hand before talking in Priesthood Meeting. Does that make me an interrupter?

I'm a full-time teacher, and in a small class where you participate only infrequently, I don't consider it interrupting. But when you're talking all the time, answering every question when others would like to speak, then yes, you're interrupting!!!

[Gwen]

is getting off topic on someone's thread interrupting? lol