I Want A Woman's Perspective

[Bini]

I didn't post this in Advice because I wanted a woman's perspective.

My dad is the CEO of an electronics company that manufactures circuit boards. His company primarily works out of southeast Asia but is branching out to other countries. Last Monday, he took me and my husband out to dinner, and casually brought up a job opportunity that will be available next year (2011). It is an amazing offer. If my husband accepts it, he'll be hired as an electrical consultant for the company's new factories being built and will be earning about $200,000 per year in US currency. Theoretically, with that kind of money coming in, we could payoff our house in a year or so. The idea is tempting!

But it comes at a huge sacrifice.

He will be working in Egypt for 6 months at a time, with maybe 10 days leave to come home, before returning to work again for another 6 months. And because this is only a two-year contract, I won't be moving there with him, I'll be staying here in the US holding the fort down. So being separated is a bit of an issue, especially since I'm Bipolar and hubby is concerned I'll go off the deep-end while he's away.. Gah. But there are some "perks" to all this. The company will provide and pay for (1) housing (2) transportation and (3) taxation is low over there so we're pocketing more.

We've decided to start praying as a couple on this. No confirmation yet, one way or the other. But hubby is leaning towards passing it up because of me. He is deeply concerned that I'll have manic episodes while he's away and he won't be there as a support. Since Monday, I have reassured him many times that I'll be fine but the truth is, I don't know. Bipolar is unpredictable and isn't on a set schedule. But can I really put that weight on his shoulders and send him on his way? Can I really put that weight on his shoulders and keep him from a once in a lifetime opportunity that will benefit "us"? I feel that as his wife, I should be encouraging him to take this and nothing less.

So women, wives, or those with Bipolar I guess, what are your thoughts?

[Gwen]

why can't you treat it like a temp move? set your home up to be vacant for awhile, find a friend or someone to keep an eye on it (or maybe even rent to someone you can trust) so nothing happens to it and the family move to egypt for 2 yrs. i obviously don't have all the details so i'm sure i'm missing the obvious.

what support do you have other than you husband? do you have family you can rely on so he can feel like you will be ok?

[Wingnut]

My first thought is that he should take the job and you should go with him. It's likely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get to live in Egypt for two years. If the company is paying for his living accommodations already, it shouldn't be that big of a deal for you to be there as well. You could appoint a trusted friend or family member to act as landlord for you, and rent out your house while you're gone. That way you have two sources of income. This would be especially helpful if you going means you quitting a job. The only conflict I see with renting is that you either have to (1) rent furnished, or (2) put all your stuff in storage, which will take some money out of your income. If you go the storage route, make sure that your trusted friend or family member that acts as landlord also checks on your storage unit monthly, to make sure that your stuff is all still there.

I don't have bipolar disorder. I have ADD and very mild depression. I don't think it would be a good idea for him to go and you to stay. It's not good for your mental or emotional health, and it's not good for your marriage. You will get very lonely, especially without kids. But even if you had kids, you'd likely get very frazzled. My husband's brother is in the army, and he deploys for a year at a time. His most recent deployment was his third, but only his first since he and his current wife got married. Between them, they have five children, one of which lived with my in-laws during the deployment. My sister-in-law has depression and anxiety and has gone through a battery of medications for both. She was a complete basket case the entire time he was gone. She's also very co-dependent, though, so that's something to consider. If you're not co-dependent, it might not be similar at all. Either way, each person is different, so it won't be the same experience.

[Bini]

Like I said, the discussion regarding all this was very casual. The details that I shared are pretty much all we know at this time. I guess you could think of it as "baiting". If hubby is interested and would like to do it, we're supposed to get in contact with my dad this weekend and get more information. There are, of course, other contractors being considered but we have a very good chance at it.

And yes, there are some other factors involved. Just to name a few, we have three dogs. Two French Bulldogs and one Chihuahua. It wasn't asked at the time of discussion but assuming they won't be able to go, we don't have any family members that are able or willing to take them for that long of a time period. And as already brought up, the house is also a factor, finding someone who can manage it during our absence. My husband's siblings are out of state and my sister is a college student. His parents are retired and travel a lot throughout the year and my mum lives out of town. Finding someone who is trustworthy is going to be a challenge. But those are just some of the issues we're facing, whether I stay, or whether I go. We'll also have to find out about medical.. I don't recall any of that being mentioned or how that will work if I do go overseas abroad with him.

[Gwen]

i guess the question comes down to the money. not necessarily to be answered here but the questions i might be asking.... how is hubby's income now? are you doing ok? are you barely making ends meet? how does this new pay compare to what he is currently making? will he have work when he gets back or will the job hunt have to start over?

if you currently have security and he will have to give all that up for 2 yrs of "money" and then after that you start over with no security then i probably would not make the change. i would hold my course. right now things are very unstable and having a secure job is worth holding onto. things may be better in 2 yrs but they may not.

i would take stability and security over money unless it was vital. lol can you tell i have a strong need to feel secure?

i think in the end something like this comes down to prayer. if you choose to do it with some careful planning you can make it work for 2 yrs. military families do it all the time, though i know it's not easy for them. the military families i know probably would not recommend it. don't sacrifice your marriage for money, especially when that money is only promised for 2 yrs.

there's my 2cents.

[JThimm88]

My aunt and uncle were in a similar situation. My uncle works for a computer company, and they sent him over to Vietnam to do work for months at a time, and like the situation above seems end up going, he only came home for maybe 3 weeks at most, and then was back again to Vietnam for months, without my aunt.

Regardless of mentality, it would be tough on anyone who loved their spouse to be apart from them. It was tough for my aunt, and eventually she was able to move to Vietnam with my uncle. They have been there on and off for the past year, only coming to the US for weeks at a time... the longest stay they had here was 6 weeks last summer.

I'd say see if you can go with your husband. It'd be a great opportunity all-around -- your husband would be getting a great job experience that will definitely help him in the future, I'm sure, and you'll also be getting financial security along with it. (Who doesn't love that?) And if you can go with your husband, you two won't be missing each other so darn much.

[Bini]

Thanks everyone for your input.

We do well. We're not rich but we're not struggling to make ends meet either. However, with this economy, my husband's electrical company has not had as many contracts as it has in the past and because of that, he's had to "let-go" workers. Which means, we're not pulling in as much money as we were previous years, so $200k per year is a nice chunk of money to chew on. And because he's self-employed, technically, he'll still have his business to come back to when he returns.

I definitely agree that money is not worth sacrificing one's marriage. Or anything for that matter. With not having kids to keep me preoccupied etc etc, I agree, I'm looking at many days and many nights of loneliness and probably depression. We're still praying on this. Hubby is still not enthusiastic about taking it because of said issues and factors above. I'm still trying to talk him into going but I don't want him to worry all that time he's away either. But I know him, and I know that this opportunity, is something he'd like to do.

[Gwen]

if you really want him to take this and you both need to feel secure that it won't set off issues for you then be proactive on a plan for that. talk to him about things you would plan to do, how and when you would get to speak. can you set up some kind of video chat, have daily "dates"? is there an organization you can schedule some time with? how far is it to your family, maybe you could do some "travel" of your own to visit ppl you've not seen in awhile? if it's something you really want then find a way to make the concerns less "big".

do you know what your triggers have been in the past? i know most those things are unpredictable, at the same time there is some predicting it.

[baver3]

You are crazy if you dont go with him.

Two years is a very short period of time but it you live apart it will drag on FOREVER!

Go and just rent a place. Be together. I think being separated can do nothing but bad for your relationship. The money isnt worth that but seriously, GO TO EGYPT. You will grow together as a couple as you experience new things. You will most likely depend on eachother more.

Like I said, you're crazy if you dont go. I would never do that.

My husband wanted to take a private contractor job in Iraq. I told him that if he couldnt promise me he would come back to me, then I couldnt promise him that I would be here for him when he got back.

Now we are divorcing and thats another story but I think when you live alone from your spouse and you start doing things on your own, you really do change and you cant guarantee that you will be growing in the same direction.

I hope the best for you guys.

[dazed-and-confused]

Blast.....I tried, I mean I REALLY tried to stay out of this and let you have women's only input, but I'm just a stupid male, and WORSE, a husband with a tiny, little husband brain.

My two cents.....

As a husband, why would I want to be away from my loving wife for so long? Do you think that only women would go through some seperation pain and emotional torment being seperated for so long?

You don't think much of men, do you?

I could not agree more with all the posters saying....GO WITH HIM.....why is this even a question?

[Gwen]

Blast.....I tried, I mean I REALLY tried to stay out of this and let you have women's only input, but I'm just a stupid male, and WORSE, a husband with a tiny, little husband brain.

My two cents.....

As a husband, why would I want to be away from my loving wife for so long? Do you think that only women would go through some seperation pain and emotional torment being seperated for so long?

You don't think much of men, do you?

I could not agree more with all the posters saying....GO WITH HIM.....why is this even a question?

i don't think thinking little of men was ever the implication. sometimes as women we want to know what other women think. there is nothing wrong with that. there is a reason the RS was organized.

[Bini]

Wow, Dazed.

Is it too much to ask to be tactful with your two cents? I find it especially rude that you not only posted in a thread that specifically asked for a "Woman's Perspective" but that you made presumptuous statements that were absolutely uncalled for. This is not the first time you've jumped down my throat publicly on the forums. If you have a problem with me, please have the decency to private message me. I'd appreciate that much.

Back to topic. We visited the in-laws (my parents) this last Memorial Weekend. My dad filled us in on a little more detail regarding this job opportunity. We, or at least I, may have jumped the gun too soon. First, my dad's company must have their bid accepted, before any of this is possible. I don't know how long it will be until the company knows one way or another. But in the case that the bid goes through, the job will be available this coming year of 2011 and will be contracted six months at a time. This could be as long as eighteen months in the long haul or as short as six months. Which, is why my dad only discussed hubby traveling over there and not the two of us. It just isn't known for how long the company will need him over there as a consultant. If things wrap up within six months, he'll be headed back home. Anyway, we're waiting for the bid to go through before anything else. If it doesn't—it's a closed door. If it does, we'll just have to make the decision to either DO IT or pass on it.

Thanks again.

[crazypotato]

I think that you should let him go and tell him that you'll be okay.

Then do whatever it takes with your bipolar to manage. I don't have bipolar but a friend of mine does. It runs in her family (her mom has it), so she can't ask her mom for any support because her mom doesn't treat herself for the bipolar.

Anyway, she found that weighlifting, not just any kind of exercise, but weightlifting extremely evened her out. Also, have you tried acupuncture? It really balanced out my hormonal imbalance.

Do you have a good girlfriend or sister that could stay with you while he is gone? Lots of awesome female support, even if not living with you, but frequent girl's nights out will help.

My husband is gone a lot for long chunks of time in the military. It is really hard but I don't want to hold him back. My female friends doing social stuff together keeps me sane more than anything else.

[not_ashamed]

From what I understand it seems your main concern is that you may be holding your husband back from a once in a lifetime opportunity, more than it being about the money. I would feel the same way. However, I don't think your husband is looking at it that way at all. It sounds as though he loves you very much and is more concerned with your welfare than a job. I have a brother who is bi polar as well as schizophrenic. I of course can't compare the two of you because no two people are alike, but I can certainly understand your husbands concern. My opinion is, you should try to set your feelings of holding him back aside and be completely honest with him about not really being sure how you will do with him away. Its too much of a factor to dismiss.

Good luck I hope you guys can make a decision you both are comfortable with.