Weird question about emotions

[Voyager]

Hello. I home teach a friend of mine. He is adopted and I guess it was an open adoption. He is friends with his biological sister and they keep in touch with each other. I guess two days ago he gets an email and she informs him the mother is dead. He asked me if I thought his reaction was normal. His reaction was nothing. He said it was strange but he felt nothing at all, in spite of having met her before. I guess he did not like her. I told him it was not strange since he really did not know her. He wondered if what he called "coldness" was natural. What do people here think?

[Guest mormonmusic]

I had that same reaction when relatives died when I was very young "Great Aunt Edna died", my Dad said. I thought, OK. I guess that means I have a funeral to go to. And then I moved on with whatever was impacting my life at the time. I never really knew her so there was no emotional attachment to the death.

[pam]

Wouldn't it just be like any other person that died that maybe you were just casually acquainted with? Oh sorry they died but now let's move on? Biological connection doesn't assure an emotional connection.

[Tarnished]

I agree with the people above. Having met her a few times doesn't mean that he developed an emotional relationship with her. I think it would be much like Mormonmusic says, it would be like a relative that you have maybe met once or twice but don't really know. When they die you don't really feel a loss because you never had an emotional relationship with them. The fact that she is his biological mother doesn't change that.

[Gwen]

i think the reaction is normal and i hope he doesn't beat himself up over it. i would imagine his sister would have the same reaction if he called to say his mother (adopted) had passed. he would feel that pain and loss but she would probably be more sad for him than the one who passed. i hope he can be there for his sister without any guilt about the loss of the mom.

[kimiko]

This sounds like a normal reaction to me, but I think of more concern is that it seems like he feels guilty for not being upset. I think many people who were raised by someone other than their biological parents may feel obligated to be attached to the parents, even if the parents had not been involved in their lives. It can be difficult to separate a "mother" from the person who gave birth to you. They're not always the same person, and when we're constantly being reminded of the importance of a traditional nuclear family, it can be emotionally straining to not have guilt for the lack of relationship with biological parents.

[MarginOfError]

I remember the day my grandfather died. It was 8 years ago on Thanksgiving day. It stands out because he died in our home. My dad came down to see me in the basement, and quietly, and very calmly said, "I just thought you should know that grandpa just passed away."

I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to say, and finally said, "I feel like I ought to do something, but I don't know what."

But, there was nothing to do. A nurse showed up 20 minutes later, an ambulance another 30 minutes after that, and they transported the body away. Two and a half hours later, we sat down and had a festive turkey dinner. It was kind of bizarre, but it was also a very special year; a year in which we all understood what a gift it is to be alive and to have family we love.

Now, to be fair, my grandfather had had surgery 10 days before and never really came out from under anesthesia. He had been home with us for 4 days on Hospice care where someone could be with him until he expired. We had all dealt with the death, and to a certain degree had already mourned.

I understand this is a little different. In my case, it was our solid emotional connection and our circumstances that made the death entirely untraumatic. But, I hope it does go to show that death doesn't have to be handled with weeping and wailing, even if the person is a blood relative.

Your friend didn't have a strong emotional connection to his biological mother, and hadn't spent much time with her. There's nothing wrong with not needing a mourning period to move on. As long as he's feeling sympathy for those that were close to her, then I think he's good. If he's sitting back and thinking, "good. I'm glad she's dead," well, then he has some issues he needs to work on.

We all mourn in different ways. But one thing that is consistent for all people is that the intensity of the mourning is proportional to the hole that is left behind by the person who has died.

[Dravin]

For my part when my Cousin died my initial reaction was nothing and I didn't really start to feel anything until the very end of the Funeral. And in fact up to that point I was kinda annoyed at the whole funeral business and how it was unbalancing my life (I was 12 and selfish).

[Guest Alana]

Doesn't sound abnormal to me. I wasn't too broken up with my biological mother passed away. She had visitations now and then as I grew up but really, I didn't think of her as my mom.

[secretsister]

I would say his reaction is within normal limits, for sure, but since he seems concerned about his reaction, there may be some feelings he needs to deal with but doesn't understand. I only say this because I was adopted and knew my biological mother too. Over time, I've had strong feelings surface that I wasn't aware of previously. He may not have had a current relationship with his biological mother, but at one time there was a 9 month relationship and then a traumatic separation. (Yes, infants know and recognize their mothers at birth and have definite stress reactions when separated.)

Secretsister

He may be interested in a book by Joe Sol called "Adoption Healing; A Path to Recovery"