why i hate xbox

[kimiko]

Haha, nice. That's half the battle! You like guns! Is he into guns?

Pick up an AR-15 ($800 - $1600) or an AK-47 ($400 - $900), that might peak his interest. Save up for it and get a bunch of ammo too.

Regards,

Vanhin

Yea we're both into guns, but right now I'm dumping all my extra money into his college tuition and overpriced textbooks.

[Dravin]

.22's may be cheap, but I think they're a bit boring. There's just not enough power. It's like driving a Smart Car when you could have an STI.

Actually it'd kinda closer to having a '83 Honda Civic instead of a nicer car. Tis cheap and gets the job done. Cost of ammo adds up so it's nice to have that in addition to (or before) the Roadster for when you need to commute but can't afford the extra gas.

I am with you that if cost wasn't an issue .22 LR would not be top of my list (unless maybe as a Kid's/Starter gun for someone else).

I guess he knew this has been bothering me because today he said I looked depressed. I said, "No, I'm just a little sad." And he responded with, "You feel neglected." So he IS aware, at least to some extent...

Being aware and understanding aren't the same thing though. People communicate their love in different ways, it's possibly that quality time speaks to him less than it does you. So he may think a single trip to the movies is going to solve everything when what you want (maybe, honestly don't know you well obviously) is something of a different nature and more consistent.

Edited July 1, 2010 by Dravin

[Dravin]

By the time he eventually quits, I'm so disappointed. And when I get disappointed with him, he just walks away because apparently there's "no point in trying."

When you say you get disappointed do you mean you confront him? It would be weird for him to just walk away based on unexpressed feelings so I'm assuming such is the case. I highly recommend talking about him at a time other than this. Actually a time he's not anywhere near the x-box is probably best. It's natural and understandable to want to at the moment but if he perceives you as nagging he'll most likely shut down on you.

P.S. Also "I feel" has a different tone to it than "You are".

Edited July 1, 2010 by Dravin

[kimiko]

Actually it'd kinda closer to having a '83 Honda Civic instead of a nicer car. Tis cheap and gets the job done. Cost of ammo adds up so it's nice to have that in addition to (or before) the Roadster for when you need to commute but can't afford the extra gas.

I am with you that if cost wasn't an issue .22 LR would not be top of my list (unless maybe as a Kid's/Starter gun for someone else).

Hmm true. Currently we have a 9mm, and sometimes we can't find ammo around here. It sells out so quickly, which I guess is good in a way so we don't spend too much money on it.

Being aware and understanding aren't the same thing though. People communicate their love in different ways, it's possibly that quality time speaks to him less than it does you. So he may think a single trip to the movies is going to solve everything when what you want (maybe, honestly don't know you well obviously) is something of a different nature and more consistent.

Also true. And this may be part of our issue. Our definitions of "quality time" are different. His idea of spending quality time together is just being physically intimate and then falling asleep, and my perception includes doing something fun together (like playing a game, riding bikes, studying scriptures, etc.) and then have the intimacy and falling asleep part. However, there have been times when I've done things to try to instigate his definition of quality time while he's playing video games to get his attention, and it won't even phase him because he's so engrossed in the game.

[Dravin]

. However, there have been times when I've done things to try to instigate his definition of quality time while he's playing video games to get his attention, and it won't even phase him because he's so engrossed in the game.

I'd suggest that is not the best time to instigate conversation for two main reasons:

1. The obvious practical one of him being engrossed in the game and thus difficult to get his attention.

2. Possibly less obvious, it would be very easy for him to perceive this as nagging.

Needless to say, discussing and working through issues is good. Nagging seldom (if not never) is and while I know you are operating (I'm hoping) under that thought that you are doing the former that's all kinda lost if he perceives it as nagging and blocks it out so all he hears is the voice of the Charlie Brown adults, "Wha wa wah wa wah wah..." and focuses all the more on his game.

Please I want you to understand I'm not accusing you of being a nag nor attempting to justify his actions (or yours really for that matter) I'm just thinking that communication can be attempted in multiple ways, some of them good, some better and some of them even bad, and what one person thinks they are saying is not always the same as what the other person thinks they are hearing.

[kimiko]

When you say you get disappointed do you mean you confront him? It would be weird for him to just walk away based on unexpressed feelings so I'm assuming such is the case. I highly recommend talking about him at a time other than this. Actually a time he's not anywhere near the x-box is probably best. It's natural and understandable to want to at the moment but if he perceives you as nagging he'll most likely shut down on you.

P.S. Also "I feel" has a different tone to it than "You are".

No, I don't even get a chance to confront him or say anything at all. He'll just see my sad face and walk away. I try really hard not to be a typical nagging wife. I say things like, "It makes me sad when we don't get to spend time together," instead of "You're an awful husband because you neglect me." But according to him, he interprets my sad face to mean the latter statement.

[kimiko]

I'd suggest that is not the best time to instigate conversation for two main reasons:

1. The obvious practical one of him being engrossed in the game and thus difficult to get his attention.

2. Possibly less obvious, it would be very easy for him to perceive this as nagging.

I definitely understand what you're saying, but I wasn't referring to instigating conversation...

[Vanhin]

I definitely understand what you're saying, but I wasn't referring to instigating conversation...

Hehe..

[Dravin]

No, I don't even get a chance to confront him or say anything at all. He'll just see my sad face and walk away. I try really hard not to be a typical nagging wife. I say things like, "It makes me sad when we don't get to spend time together," instead of "You're an awful husband because you neglect me." But according to him, he interprets my sad face to mean the latter statement.

Body language is a means of communication and so your sad face is communicating something, in his mind disapproval over his neglect. Body language is harder to mask (it can also be hard to read), we can say an awful lot without once opening our mouths.

I definitely understand what you're saying, but I wasn't referring to instigating conversation...

Ah I see, oh well at least #1 is applicable. In that case he may see it as manipulation, certainly if he's ignoring it it's unwanted. Aren't people horribly hard to fathom? I suppose it keeps the likes of Dr. Phil in business.

Edited July 1, 2010 by Dravin

[hawaiifly]

I have an idea that might help. Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? I recommend it, but if you don't want to buy it, here is the gist of it.

Each person has a different "language" that they use to express their love. There are five of them: words of assurance, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. From what I have read I would suggest that you feel really love when your husband spends quality time with you, since when he doesn't it really hurts you.

Your husband probably has a different love language. It might be words of assurance, or physical touch, or acts of service. So try to figure out what makes him feel loved. I would start with words of assurance (since he is stressed out). Make sure you never criticize him. That will really hurt him if words of assurance is his love language. Then say things like "Thanks for working so hard in your school work. I know it stresses you out. It will really make sure we have a better future. I know of some husbands/people that just blow off school and play games." Try not to make it sound chessy and be sincere. Go out of your way to give him compliments for the stuff he does for you. Let him know you appreciate him and the things he does do for you.

There are similar things you can try for the other languages. Like doing stuff for him, if his language is acts of service. Or giving him massages, holding hands, if his language is physical touch. Or give him gifts, for gifts.

Anyway, figure out what his language is, and express your love for him in that language. I would really go out of your way for a two weeks. After the two weeks, start suggesting to him what makes you feel loved (spending quality time with you). You can either start telling him about the languages and that your language is quality time, or you can be more tactful. Say something like, "I would really like to do _____ with you tonight, that would make me feel loved/appreciated/etc. Can we please do something together tonight? You can play your game after we get back."

Your husband sounds like a really good man. I don't think gaming addiction is a really big problem right now (because he is taking care of his work and school work). And he probably does need time to relax, and games let him relax. If you make sure he feels your love, he will probably want to reciprocate. He probably does reciprocate a little right now, but he doesn't know what makes you feel loved.

I suggested starting with words of assurance because he leaves when he feels criticized. It seems like that is what really hurts him. It certainly won't help with his stress if he feels criticized. But it could be something different. Have fun with it. Try expressing your love to him in a different language each week until you see a difference in him that week.

Hope it helps.

[kimiko]

Thanks hawaiifly for the great suggestions. I'm not too familiar with the love languages, but I will look into it more. I make it a point that at least one I day, especially when he's stressed, I tell him how much I appreciate the hard work that he puts in for us. A lot of times he's stressed because he loses sight of the goals, so I try to remind him that while things may be difficult now, they're going to be amazing later. I also try to make sure that on nights when he has a lot of school work I prepare dinner for him and do all the house chores, so he doesn't have to worry about anything when he gets home from work and can just focus on school. Even though I'm exhausted from working all day, I do this for him because I love him and want to help him. But when he's done with the school work, I occasionally need him to spend time with me instead of playing video games, and maybe this is the part I'm not communicating clearly to him.

Your husband sounds like a really good man. I don't think gaming addiction is a really big problem right now (because he is taking care of his work and school work). And he probably does need time to relax, and games let him relax. If you make sure he feels your love, he will probably want to reciprocate. He probably does reciprocate a little right now, but he doesn't know what makes you feel loved.

He is a very good man, and I love him to pieces. He's told me that he leaves because he feels guilty for not doing the things he told me he would, and my disappointment just adds "insult to injury." To him, he's already upset me and there's nothing he can do to fix it, so he just walks away.

The interesting thing is that this has not always been a problem; it started a few months after we got married. He use to do so much to show me loves me, and he doesn't do them anymore. His excuse is that he doesn't have time. It makes me feel like he doesn't love me as much as he use to or he isn't interested in me anymore.

[Guest]

Sorry, I have been reading this thread since yesterday and I just have a completely different perspective about this than everybody else.

My husband used to play Madden like a maniac. I am already a football widow at NFL season time then the rest of the year he goes on Madden sprees. It's the same thing as what you're saying in your original post - he would work, go to school, do his house stuff, play Madden. Note, nothing there mentions him-and-me time. This was before the kids were born.

I would bring it up to him on our "happy together conversations" that I feel he needs to let up on the Madden and spend time with me instead because I really can't get myself to play that stupid game (I'm not even a football fan - I became one so I won't feel a widow on football season). And his comeback was - I shouldn't be complaining because he stays home instead of going out partying with friends.

Anyway, over a year goes by and he is still playing Madden, even bought the new version of the game. One day, he came home to find his PlayStation and Madden games gone. I told him that's as much as I can handle of his inattention. We had a big row - he was so mad. I was too! But, I had planned to take him to his favorite restaurant, and borrowed the entire Godfather saga from the video store (his favorite, and yes it's rated R). So, after we cooled down some, we went out to eat and had a movie marathon. I don't like Godfather either - and he knows it. It was a message to him that I have no problem with him doing "his stuff" but that there is a limit to my patience.

He got the PS2 not too long after that - I got it for him one Christmas. But, he doesn't spend all his free time on it anymore. He still does his football season thing but I'm cool with that. I play his fantasy football tournaments so I can at least have an intelligent input when he starts talking football. When I start to feel ignored, he will know because I don't pussy-foot about it. He doesn't have to interpret my mood because if he asks - "are you depressed?" he will get a loud "of course I'm depressed! Why would I not be?".

I don't know what those Love Books say about the matter, but I have found that with my husband, giving hints is not gonna work. Yes, he will be the type who will not see the pooping dog infront of him. So, I have to give it to him in plain english of no more than 3 syllables when I want him to understand that I am upset! He loves me. I know this. So, he will not purposely do something to upset me.

Anyway, we don't have marital issues like yours (chastity, etc.). And I am secure in my marriage - he will not divorce me because I threw out his PlayStation just like I will not divorce him because he plays too much Madden.

Your problem goes much deeper. Your video game problem may not be a video game problem but his way of escaping a deeper problem - maybe he just doesn't want to spend time with you! And THAT is what you need to solve, not the video game addiction.

Edited July 1, 2010 by anatess

[kimiko]

Anyway, we don't have marital issues like yours (chastity, etc.). And I am secure in my marriage - he will not divorce me because I threw out his PlayStation.

Your problem goes much deeper. Your video game problem may not be a video game problem but his way of escaping a deeper problem - maybe he just doesn't want to spend time with you! And THAT is what you need to solve, not the video game addiction.

The chastity issue is because we did not wait until we were married to be physically intimate. I was not a member of the church at the time, and he was endowed, so that is why he is disfellowshipped. There aren't any issues with affairs or porn or anything like that. He takes the covenant of marriage very seriously.

Your problem goes much deeper. Your video game problem may not be a video game problem but his way of escaping a deeper problem - maybe he just doesn't want to spend time with you! And THAT is what you need to solve, not the video game addiction.

This is exactly what I'm worried about.

[kimiko]

And I probably would have done what you did, Anatess, if it wasn't for the fact that I paid for the stupid xbox myself.

[Hemidakota]

Hey Anatess, you can throw out the Playstation 2, but not my laptop!!!!

PC, Apples, netbooks, smartphones, IPods, are just as addiction as Playstation 3, XBox 360, and Wii.

[Dravin]

And I probably would have done what you did, Anatess, if it wasn't for the fact that I paid for the stupid xbox myself.

It possibly might cause significant harm in your relationship. Anatess knows her husband better than I, and you know yours better than I, but if my wife pulled a stunt like that it would be an open declaration of war. Of course my wife will hopefully know me better than to try something like that (because she'll have a feel for how I would react) just like I will hopefully know what she thinks and feels about various aspects of power dynamics in marital relationships

Edited July 1, 2010 by Dravin

[beefche]

Hold the phone, people. Is this your husband or child you are talking about? A child needs to be punished. A husband isn't punished by his wife.

And please do not assume that he doesn't want to spend time with you. It may feel that way, but typically, playing games is a way to relax (as he has told you) and it can be a way to escape. If you nag at him to spend time with you, then he will want to escape the nag.

Here's my observation. He doesn't like the sad face--so don't show that to him when you want to have a real conversation with him. He is seeing the sad face and interpreting it as your disappoint in him. Men NEED their wive's approval. I cannot stress that enough. He doesn't need to feel that you are disappointed in him (even if you are).

I suggest you talk to him--without the sad face, without judging, without any preconceived ideas of what is right or wrong. Find out what you can do to help him the most when he is stressed. You say you do chores, fix dinner--well, is that what HE wants? Maybe you can help in another way that he actually needs/wants. Find out how you can show your love and appreciation to him--do words mean the most? Perhaps, he would rather you give him little gifts (a note, or gum, or something inexpensive) to show your love. Perhaps, some extra special loving when he needs it. He needs to tell you what you can do to show him love. Make the talk about HIM--his needs, wants. If he brings it up, then share with him. If not, don't get all disappointed--because your goal should be how you can help him.

After some time of providing the love and affection he requires, see if things change. And don't expect it to change in a couple of days. It may take some weeks. But focus on him. I'm going to guess he is going to see how you took what he said to heart and made some changes to help him and in turn he is going to see how he can help you feel love and affection.

If after a few weeks it isn't working, continue doing those things. But, then have a talk about what you need. And don't think depriving him completing of gaming is the answer. If you take that away, I would think he would feel like your child instead of the man of the house.

[hawaiifly]

The interesting thing is that this has not always been a problem; it started a few months after we got married. He use to do so much to show me loves me, and he doesn't do them anymore. His excuse is that he doesn't have time. It makes me feel like he doesn't love me as much as he use to or he isn't interested in me anymore.

The love languages book does talk about how the euphoria of falling in love (where you become obsessed with someone so much so that that is all you can think about) usually wears off after about two years. That is probably what happened to him a couple months after you got married. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you though. He just doesn't know how to express it.

It does sound like you are doing a lot to express your love by acts of service. You are also doing it in words of affirmation. You can either try to step up the words of affirmation, and make sure you never ever criticize. If he feels criticized, it would destroy everything you compliment him with. You can try to compliment him on stuff other than school work, and work.

You can also try physical touch, because that could be his love language. When was the last time you initiated something? If he has to initiate all the time, he won't feel as loved. It also doesn't have to be sexual all the time. Try sitting next to him on the couch as he plays (as long as it doesn't interfere, because if you distract him too much he might get mad.) You could either act interested in the game as you rub arms, or get a book and try to read next to him (with all the noise it could be hard). Try cuddling with him in the morning. Maybe even setting a goal to initiate something once or twice a week could really help.

You might have to experiment and try each language for a week. (Don't give up after just one attempt, it might take a while to set in.)

Have fun with it for the next few weeks. Don't worry about the game playing, or the non-scripture reading during this time. Just think, I am going to do all that I can to show that I love him for the next five weeks, trying a different language each week until I find something that he really responds to. Don't worry about him reciprocating until you figured out what his language is, and you know he really feels loved.

[Guest]

Hey Anatess, you can throw out the Playstation 2, but not my laptop!!!!

PC, Apples, netbooks, smartphones, IPods, are just as addiction as Playstation 3, XBox 360, and Wii.

DON'T I KNOW IT! I instituted a house rule - the iPhones stay off when we're out to dinner.

We both have iPhones and it came to a point where he would be checking game scores or whatever else it is he does on the phone while I would be replying to emails and reading news while the kids play with the crayons while waiting for the food at a restaurant!

I realized how stupid we were when an entire evening passes and I have not bothered to ask my husband how his day went!

So we added the new rule.

By the way - we decided to remove the tv/vcr things that go on the van because of this same thing - the kids stopped talking to us! We drove all the way from Florida to Niagara Falls without those things and the kids never got bored. It was great.

[Hemidakota]

Hahahahaaaaaaa...how true. Have you ever try to ply a cell-phone from a child's hand when they are sleeping?

[Guest]

It possibly might cause significant harm in your relationship. Anatess knows her husband better than I, and you know yours better than I, but if my wife pulled a stunt like that it would be an open declaration of war. Of course my wife will hopefully know me better than to try something like that (because she'll have a feel for how I would react) just like I will hopefully know what she thinks and feels about various aspects of power dynamics in marital relationships

And that's EXACTLY how I treated it - an OPEN declaration of WAR. If he feels he can ignore me for over a year even after several talks about it, it's time I go to WAR. And it was a war - it was a long heated argument when he came home. That was my only recourse. Because talking nicely about it for a year is not working - all of the things beefche said and then some!

There's no MIGHT cause significant harm about it - Madden ALREADY caused significant harm. It's time we go to surgery to pluck the stupid thing out! I'm not the type of person who remains patient and long-suffering when there's something that needs to be done and it's getting ignored.

This is not a ONE TIME thing - this is OVER A YEAR'S worth of problem! I have no problem bopping him in the head if it needs to be bopped! If he doesn't want to be treated like a child then he shouldn't act like one!

Now, let me ask you, Dravin - do you spend all your free time doing YOUR thing that your wife doesn't like? Or would you rather spend some of that time doing stuff with your wife? Now, if you spend all your free time doing YOUR thing and your wife tells you to let up on it, do you do it? I would venture that you would say YES. Now, say you got temporary insanity and did not let up on it... now your wife threw out your PlayStation, don't you think YOU deserved it?

Edited July 1, 2010 by anatess

[kimiko]

It possibly might cause significant harm in your relationship. Anatess knows her husband better than I, and you know yours better than I, but if my wife pulled a stunt like that it would be an open declaration of war. Of course my wife will hopefully know me better than to try something like that (because she'll have a feel for how I would react) just like I will hopefully know what she thinks and feels about various aspects of power dynamics in marital relationships

Well I couldn't have actually thrown it out. I've considered hiding it very well though, or at least taking the power cable. But I know he wouldn't appreciate me expressing my frustration like that, so I haven't done it.

[Dravin]

Well I couldn't have actually thrown it out. I've considered hiding it very well though, or at least taking the power cable. But I know he wouldn't appreciate me expressing my frustration like that, so I haven't done it.

As far as I'm concerned that's a wise view.

I have no problem bopping him in the head if it needs to be bopped! If he doesn't want to be treated like a child then he shouldn't act like one!

There is a certain irony as I see the action taken as a childish power play. Thankfully your husband didn't, and his view in this particular instance is the one that mattered not mine.

P.S. I'm not trying to tell you how to interact with your husband, I'm just saying that such a play would not be recommended for use on me.

Edited July 1, 2010 by Dravin

[Vanhin]

Me neither... lol

[Guest]

As far as I'm concerned that's a wise view.

There is a certain irony as I see the action taken as a childish power play. Thankfully your husband didn't, and his view in this particular instance is the one that mattered not mine.

P.S. I'm not trying to tell you how to interact with your husband, I'm just saying that such a play would not be recommended for use on me.

I completely understand you, Dravin. But I don't think you're understanding me.

It is not a power play. It's a wake up and smell the roses moment. I don't think you understood that part of my anecdote. A power play is something like withholding sex because he got me upset. Like that thing we hear about a lot - "You're sleeping on the couch tonight honey!". I HATE THAT! Or, buying out the mall because your husband bought a wide screen TV. Or taking the kids and staying at mom's because the husband can't be talked out of spending a weekend fishing. That's a power play - all built on vengeance or control-freakishness.

This is more towards the - if your eye offends, take it out - area. I'm not doing it because I want attention - as evidenced by the Godfather movies. I did it because the Madden is hurting our marriage and he was blinded by it.

That's what video games can do to you. Hey, that's what forums can do too! It engages your mind completely that you become unaware of what's going on around you and how much time has passed. In my case (and I'm sure this is true in a lot of households), it requires throwing the thing out. This is the exact same thing as alcohol. If my husband starts drinking alcohol and I can't talk him out of it, believe me, all that alcohol is out the door too.