in need of advice about my mother

[kac3]

Sorry but this is going to be a long thread...

To start off my immediate family is lds except for my mother. Growing up my dad tried his best to keep all three of his children active in the church, however it was a tough task. Neither I nor my younger sister wanted to go, and my older brother was the only one who occasionally attended church. My mother told all three of us to attend church, but it was never forced upon us by her. I was never really truly active in church until I moved away to college with my best friend (who is a very active member, and a good person). After moving away from home I have never felt the spirit so strongly, I attended church everyweek including fhe, ward prayer, and activities, I began to excel in school, I had started reading my scriptures daily, received wonderful callings in the church, and all together my heart was soo full. When I would move home for the summer I would attend church with my dad and brother (who is an active member), and occasionally my younger sister would join us. However, at home I did not feel the spirit so strong. My mother and I have never really gotten along because we have different interests, values and opinions. I also feel that she is controlling, and one of the major reasons why our family is not as strong as they could be in the church. My mother is catholic and immigrated here from an asian country. She strongly believe that money is what brings happiness. She has always told me to marry not only someone white and tall but someone who especially has money. But she tells my older brother she does not want him to marry a white woman because she will not be a good housewife, she wants him to marry someone of our ethnicity. Now I understand that she does not want me to live a paycheck to paycheck life, she has her best interests for me. She feels that money is the only way I will be happy.

Growing up she spoiled her children, including me. And I feel that buying us things is the only way she shows her love for us. She buys expensive decor and house alterations to impress family or friends that come over. She also, buys us brandname clothes and gadgets along with telling ushow to fix our appearances too look our best (in her eyes). And if we decline these things she will honestly get mad and call us ungrateful and talk about how she works so hard and buys us so many things etc....its not a pretty argument anyone in the family wants to get into with her. So yes she pretty much runs the house, I have talked to my dad and he is very passive and does not want to cause arguments with her. So I feel like I am having this battle with her on my own. She doesn't respect our values in the church such as modesty and tithing. She will buy me and my sister immodest clothes, which I will always put a jacket over or wear leggings and get away with it...however some comments from her do occur. My sister on the other hand must wear what my mom picks out for her. and they usualy consist of spaghetti straps and short shorts especially in the summer. She will also make her wear short skirts to church and say it is ok. when it comes to tithing she will tell my dad to only give them 10-20 dollars because 10% of the paycheck she finds is outrageous.

At college I slowly saw my family swaying away from the church and succumbing to my moms wishes and not what makes them happy. So I thought maybe I should move home and help my family. I prayed and prayed about it and finally got the answer to move home and help my family. I definitely didnt want to move home but god told me to and so i put all my trust in him. At this point I have been home for 2 months now and I'm trying to stay strong but my mom just wont let up.

After all I have told you how can I help my mom? I don't know how or what to do to help my family. How can I let her know that money will not bring eternal happiness? How can I have her understand that this church as standards that her family has to respect? How can I help her understand that we need her to be there for us as a mother who will raise our self esteem and have us be good people, not worldly people?

I have tried telling her how I feel, I have also tried getting my dad to help me, I also know that she read my journal so I write specific entries for her. However, she seems to feel that she is always right.

Any advice on how to help my mom or family is welcome, but this is a sensitive topic so please be nice. If there is something that I am just not seeing, that only a mother or parent can see please tell me. I also just want to get a better perspective of where she is coming from.

[lizzy12]

I think just praying before meals and asking your family to pray and study scriptures with you would help.

How old is your younger sister? If she wanted, she could make her clothes modest, its not all your moms doing.

[kac3]

Is there a way of going about getting my family to start scripture study and family prayer? Also, when my mother picks out an outfit for my sister and its not modest, my sister will come down to me and will tell me to help her, I think she is scared of my mom getting mad at her. so the only way I can help her is to find something else in the style my mom likes (modest) or tell my mom the outfit she picked is immodest...which that one usually leads to an argument.

If I keep bringing up the issue of immodesty that she puts upon me and my sister do you think she will eventually let it go? or would that just cause more controversy?

Edited July 6, 2010 by kac3

[lizzy12]

why don't you let her know EXACTLEY the problem with modesty. You could even suggest shopping togather, that way right at the store you can say no.

I would just get your sister to read with you and pray...and eventually invite your dad and mom in.

How olds your sister?

[Suzie]

Some questions before I share my opinion:

1. How old are you and your sister?

2. Are you financially independent or does your mom pay for everything?

[kac3]

I'm 20 and my sister is 14. As of now I pay for all of my bills, and currently am paying for college. My previous college I was on scholarship and all I had to pay for was rent. Since I have moved home and going to a new school I will be paying for my tuition, unless I get accepted for a scholarship that I have applied for. Until then I am dependent on my parents for a place to stay.

[Suzie]

Oh I see. Well, let me be honest and express what I think. Of course, it is mainly my OPINION. I don't know you or your mother. It seems to me that she knows how you feel about her issues with modesty and the clothes she buys for you and your sister as well as her thoughts about money. So here the issue is for her to want to change. You cannot change her, you may be able to influence her by expressing how you feel without causing a fight however, keep in mind that she may never do.

I know it may be hurtful, but you're now an adult. For me, it was a mistake to move back to your home because at least when you was away you did not have to deal with these issues firsthand. However, it was noble of you to want to help her and your family, it shows great love and concern for them. The deal is that she is married, a big woman and will take her own decisions and won't allow anyone else to interfere so please do not stay thinking that all of the sudden she will change dramatically, most of the time it does not happen that way.

If I was in your shoes, I would move out and your sister will have to wait until she is legally an adult to do the same IF your mother chooses not to respect your values. It's really not about disagreeing with them but RESPECTING them.

God bless.

[Twisted_Fairytales]

I have similar issues with my Mum and her behaviour. I have come to accept I cant change her, I just have to accept what she does is her choice whether I like it or not. I have had many long discussions with her about how I feel, how her actions hurt me etc. But she still continues which shows she doesn't really care about me. I have put some distance between me and her becuase of it and there are certain things she has sacrificed, such as looking after her unborn grandchild, which she will never do as I can't trust her.

Bottom line, you Mum is who she is and you cant do anything about it. You either have to live yout life the way you want in the house or move out. If your Dad lives there too he should be involved in having a say about your daughters clothes. If not, its not your sisters fault and I would venture to say she wouldnt be held responsible for any wrong doing as she is only a minor and under the jurisdiction of your parents.

[FunkyTown]

That's an incredible story, KAC.

We're proud of you.

What you have is a difficult issue. You feel like you're in this alone and, in many ways, you are: Your family is against or merely indifferent to your beliefs or simply aren't strong enough to live up to them.

I was in your situation, except my family had no one in the church except me.

What you're going to have to do is be courageous, to stand up and be the incredible person who wrote this. You are going to have to confront your mother, but in a way that is meek and understanding.

She will not like it. It will be painful and it will be difficult.

Start with something simple: Talk to her and ask her what she thinks of the LDS church. Be prepared for a barrage of anti-LDS sentiment, possibly backed up by things she read about on the Internet.

Don't worry about that. Pay no thought. Just be quiet and meek and recognize that your mother is simply venting about something she doesn't understand.

Don't try to argue. Don't try to say anything. Simply let her vent.

When she is done, tell her you love her. Tell her you love her, then tell her that you have different standards - That her standards are okay, but that you want to be something different. Explain why.

She will argue. Do not argue back. Simply nod, listen and tell her again that you love her, but that this is not up for debate.

As a mother, one who probably will be quite shocked to hear her daughter has grown up enough to speak her mind and be whatever she wants, she will probably be angry.

Don't take the bait - You will want to. You will want to argue with whatever slanders or 'facts' she wants to throw out about the church. Don't. Simply look at her and say 'I know you love me and you're looking out for me. But what you want isn't what I want. This is going to happen regardless. I don't ask that you understand it; I ask that you respect it.'

Even if she is very angry, if you keep your cool it will be something she remembers her whole life and may change her.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know this is probably pretty scary, confronting the woman who has been in your life since birth and guided you. This should never be demanded of anyone. It's scary; Especially since your parents should be the ones protecting and teach you and you have to be the one to teach them.

Know you're loved. You aren't alone. It will be worth it.

[Guest mormonmusic]

KAC3:

I'm with Suzie on this one. It's unlikely you'll have much of an impact on your mother, who seems to be powering the values you don't agree with.

I think you have some alternatives, each with their own advantages and disadvantages.

First, you can stay at home and at least try to be a good influence on your sister. Invite HER to read scriptures (even consider the plain English Book of Mormon if she has trouble with the scriptural language), and focus on getting her to Church, facilitating interactions with other LDS families that can have a good influence. Try the same with your Dad.

Also, you don't want to turn your mother against the Church by hitting her where it hurts -- the pocket book. So, focus on influencing those family members who will listen to you -- feed the truth foundation, as they say -- focus on those things over which you have influence, and steer clear of trying to change your mother.

The advantage of this approach is that you get to influence your family members, and also focus on school since they sound like they are funding you when you live at home. Disadvantage is that you might cause a lot of tension in your family, and the family culture could even erode your own commitment. You can actually turn your mother against the Church if you push too hard.

Second alternative - move out and influence them from a distance -- start building your own set of committed gospel friendships and structures around you. Advantage is you preserve your own commitment, remove the tension from your family at home, and also get some independence. Downside is that you'll be working to fund your education and living expenses if you don't get that scholarship.