Parents, What's The Difference?

[Bini]

When a parent tells their child to "include everyone" in whatever game they're playing, isn't that the same as picking their friends and who they play with? I see this a lot with parents and young children. Someone gets left out. It's noted by parent. Parent tells their child (and the other kids) to include everyone. Left out kid gets thrown back into the mix, regardless of how the other kids feel. I'm not saying this is wrong. Certainly, encouraging your child to play nice and include everyone is an important lesson. But at the same time, isn't it a double-standard? You wouldn't tell your teenager who to hangout with because then you'd be picking their friends. So why do it with one age group and not another? Are the feelings of a 6-year old any less valid than those of a 16-year old, in regards to who they want to associate with?

Just curious. I observed this very thing today with a friend of mine and her son.

[RachelleDrew]

I think you are under the unfortunate impression that parents WON'T tell their kids who to hang out with.

: D

Mine certainly did. I will probably do the same for my kids too, regardless of how they feel about it. It may seem cruel, but my son doesn't get to make the choice to hang out with the kids who are continually in trouble. At least not until he is out from under my roof. Sure, he is expected to be kind to them and friendly towards them at school. But my son won't be having any sleepovers with Joe the known High School Pothead. Sorry.

[Dr T]

As babies we teach them and do more things for them and as they grow/mature they are able to start taking more and more of their own decision making. That is one reason for this disparity.

[Bini]

I think you are under the unfortunate impression that parents WON'T tell their kids who to hang out with.

: D

Mine certainly did. I will probably do the same for my kids too, regardless of how they feel about it. It may seem cruel, but my son doesn't get to make the choice to hang out with the kids who are continually in trouble. At least not until he is out from under my roof. Sure, he is expected to be kind to them and friendly towards them at school. But my son won't be having any sleepovers with Joe the known High School Pothead. Sorry.

I'm just asking the "difference".

Believe me, I'm under no impression of it NOT happening. I was a kid once upon a time and underneath my parents' thumb. Just wanting to know how people decipher between the two.

[Wingnut]

As the kid who was the one always left out, I appreciated when kids were made to include me. Except for the one sleepover in 5th where I ended up hanging out watching MTV with my "friend"'s younger brother the entire evening while the others girls laughed and talked about me upstairs.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah...

Are the feelings of a 6-year old any less valid than those of a 16-year old, in regards to who they want to associate with?

At 6 years old, you're teaching them correct principles. At 16 years old, you're doing a little more (though not completely) letting them govern themselves.

[john doe]

You can include everyone in your games and play nice with them, but that is generally a controlled environment, where parents are supervising, even if from afar. Now when the game breaks up and it's time to go separate ways, that is when the 'choosing the right friends' thing comes into play.

When I go to work I try to be friendly with all my coworkers, but when it comes to doing things with them after hours, I choose to do things with those whose values reflect mine, and tend not to associate much with those who live life with different standards from mine.

[Gwen]

i see it like jd. including everyone in a group activity isn't the same as who your friends are. i've always been the person to have very few true friends. i keep 1-3 ppl close and that's it. many ppl consider themselves my friend. and i'm friendly with them and i do enjoy their company. but i don't share intimate conversation with them, if i get a choice of who to hang out with it may not be them. i can include ppl i don't even like in a group setting. i can make them feel welcome and be friendly. but when it comes to my personal time, the ppl i want to really connect with they won't be there.

with teens i would say the play date situation you described with the 6 yr old would be like telling the 16 yr old, when you go to the dance make sure you dance with everyone. meet everyone, make sure ppl are included. don't let anyone sit on the wall alone for very long. but when it comes to dating... use a lot more discrimination on who you choose to be alone with.

principles and the skills of including everyone and being selective of your friends are important to be good at and understand. we need both to fully function in this world.

[NeuroTypical]

I hear everyone talking, but I'm totally lost about the concept. I've never told my kids to "include everyone", because I don't know what "everyone" wants. And if some group of kids doesn't want to play with my kids, why on earth would I want someone to force them to endure my kids' presence?

I'm guessing this is a mommy thing about trying to avoid hurt feelings. In the LM house, we teach our kids how to deal with the hurt feelings that occasionally show up in life. We don't really focus much on going out of their way to make sure someone else's feelings aren't hurt. Respect for others is big - but you can respect someone and not want to play with them.

Maybe this is also a public school vs. homeschooled thing. From what I can tell, cliques form at a pretty early age in G-school. But they're much less rare until much later in life in homeschool society.

LM

[Wingnut]

We don't really focus much on going out of their way to make sure someone else's feelings aren't hurt. Respect for others is big - but you can respect someone and not want to play with them.

The kid being left out doesn't understand the difference.

[NeuroTypical]

Correct. That's why they have parents to teach them the difference. I'm much bigger on comforting a kid who is crying and learning a life's lesson, than I am on sheltering them from that lesson.

From what folks tell me, this does tend to be a difference between daddys and mommies. To varying degrees, Dads challenge, Moms comfort and protect and nurture. I guess the point is that good parenting provides plenty of both to a kid.

LM

[Guest Alana]

The two concepts that come to mind that I'm trying to help my 6 year old understand are these:

It important to include others who might not have gotten the change to play. This includes asking his little sister to jump with him and his friends on the trampoline and asking the new kid at school to play tag during recess.

It's important who you pick as friends. If someone isn't nice, you don't need to associate with them.

These concepts can overlap and sometimes seem to contradict each other. What if the person being excluded is a bully? How can you be nice to someone but not let them walk all over you?

At a young age, we help kids navigate social situations a little bit (though not totally). A parents guidance can help a child learn that sometimes a quite or shy kid who wouldn't have asked to play can end up being a great friend. We also help them understand the importance of who we have as friends, as in, you can be nice to a 'mean kid' but hanging out with them when they are being mean isn't a good idea.

[Avrham]

my kids don't like "fake people" however I try to install respect for each individual they encounter and be very mindful of others actions or non-actions and I enjoy explaining different types of behaviors especially when we hang-out at the local play ground with my 2youngest boys