Parent as Judge, Jury and Executioner

[Guest mormonmusic]

This is a situation I'm having as my kids have grown to new levels of sophistication in sibling rivalry. They are 11 and 8 years old.

One child comes to me indicating the other did something wrong. The accused claims s/he did nothing wrong, and points out something the other did wrong. I search for the facts and find it impossible to determine who did what because there are emphatic denials etcetera. There is evidence that they try to get each other in trouble by framing the other ccasionally. They also share half-truths, empahasizing only part of the story, etcetera.

How does one effectively mediate in such situations? What are your goals in this situation? How do you handle it?

Edited January 2, 2011 by mormonmusic

[LDSVALLEY]

I asked my wife if we had ever found an answer (ours are now 11,12,15)I think all children go through this, actually not sure if they ever stop it!

When it's petty we often ignore it to let them learn to sort out for themselves. Or at least allow us time to listen in and try and determine what is going on before getting involved.

One my wife likes to use is to send them to different rooms for a cool down then have them write 3 things they like or appreciate about the other. They present it to the other, that usually ends it for a few hours.

I find sometimes it is impossible to sort it out. Depending on the severity and my mood they simply get seperated for a few minutes or I end up giving a consequence to both.

I agree with you, ours are getting better at "working the system" and setting up one another for the fall.

We have found that things get worse when we get slack with family scripture study or family home evening.

[mordorbund]

I'm pretty sure the biblical solution is to cut the children in half.

[Gwen]

unless it's something big i tend to make the kids sort it out between them. if there is something they are fighting over i give them an amount of time to sort it out or it becomes mine. or if they don't sort it out quickly and quietly they both get a consequence.

if i catch someone in an out and out lie, trying to get another in trouble with a lie, or laughing about another getting in trouble i give a greater consequence to the one being deceptive or rude. fortunately so far i've not had to deal with a lot of that.

[Dr T]

Yep and parents make the rules. I hope we are being sensible about it. We can get input from others.

[Suzie]

(tongue in cheek)

Punish both. If the "innocent" one complains (you have no way to know this) then tell him/her that they are being punished for all the times they got away with it.

Problem solved and let's see if they try to do something like that again...

[rameumptom]

I agree with letting them sort it out. However, I would suggest placing them on the time out bench, where they must remain until they have worked it out together. That way, it gives them the impetus to actually work it out, rather than keep on fighting.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I have in the past set the timer and said that if it goes off and the problem isn't solved then everyone is confined to their rooms for an indefinite period. So far that works, but only because I have reputation for always following through on my threats.