Question

[Minnie]

If I have suspicions or concerns regarding my spouse, is it recommended to meet with the Bishop?

Thanks.

[beefche]

You should meet with your spouse first.

[Backroads]

Rule of Red Tape: Always meet with the most immediate party first.

More on that:

Were I your spouse, I would be really hurt that you would go to the bishop before me.

[Minnie]

I already did that. He isn't being honest with me or upfront.

[Suzie]

I already did that. He isn't being honest with me or upfront.

Are you 100% sure about your suspicions? What is the issue? (if you don't mind sharing)

[Minnie]

Over the years, once in a blue moon, I would find pics saved on the computer of movie stars prevocatively dressed and stretched out on a couch, etc. I asked him about them but he would say that it must be his boys. I let it go. To make this short, 2 days ago, I was checking out saved docs on his laptop and came across an article about addiction to pornography. I then decided to check out the browser history and sure enough I found that he was a member of this dating site called Be Naughty where he had even uploaded a picture of himself. I also found tons and tons of links to pictures of women dressed up in role playing outfits from an online store site.

When I confronted him with all this, he tried to deny it of course, but I told him that I saw the browser history. He is already seeing the Bishop about other personal issues which I won't get in to, but that he knows I am aware of, actually the Bishop even knows that I am aware. I asked my husband if he had spoken to the Bishop about this and he said he hadn't.

My husband has a strong tendency to be dishonest in many things and after this, I am not sure I can trust him any more.

[Suzie]

Minnie, first of all let me say I am sorry about what you are going through. So you are saying that after you confronted him with all this evidence he denied it all? What did he say about the picture of himself he uploaded?

[Minnie]

He said that he didn't upload that picture that facebook did it automatically when he had seen an advertisment of this site on facebook. I told him that if that was the case, how come there were numerous hits for that site in the browser history and why had he even set up a password for it.

We have been married for 10 years and I honestly don't feel like he is being upfront with me. Yesterday was okay, we talked and he reassured me that he loved me and that he has never physically cheated on me, but he is still denying certain things regarding what I have found. He even told me after I confronted him that he felt like crawing under a rock and I told him that he didn't need to feel that way with me. However, I know he has a hard time being honest.

[Backroads]

At this point, I would go to the bishop, at least for spiritual council and advise. Would you consider going to a counselor?

[MorningStar]

Really common. Lying and sexual addiction go hand in hand. He doesn't want you to leave him and at the same time, he's not quite ready to give it up. Once he confesses, he'll have to be accountable and follow through with overcoming it.

So sorry you're dealing with this. Trust your instincts and the Spirit. Addicts can lie very convincingly.

[Guest mirancs8]

Over the years, once in a blue moon, I would find pics saved on the computer of movie stars prevocatively dressed and stretched out on a couch, etc. I asked him about them but he would say that it must be his boys. I let it go. To make this short, 2 days ago, I was checking out saved docs on his laptop and came across an article about addiction to pornography. I then decided to check out the browser history and sure enough I found that he was a member of this dating site called Be Naughty where he had even uploaded a picture of himself. I also found tons and tons of links to pictures of women dressed up in role playing outfits from an online store site.

When I confronted him with all this, he tried to deny it of course, but I told him that I saw the browser history. He is already seeing the Bishop about other personal issues which I won't get in to, but that he knows I am aware of, actually the Bishop even knows that I am aware. I asked my husband if he had spoken to the Bishop about this and he said he hadn't.

My husband has a strong tendency to be dishonest in many things and after this, I am not sure I can trust him any more.

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. It's as if I am reading my own story. I can relate to this a great deal. The lying just gets easier for them as time passes. He need accountability to slap him silly.

[Netgood]

Put a filter with a password on the computer. Try using Open DNS on the router. You can chose to block dating sites on that.

[Guest]

Minnie, maybe you are approaching him wrong on this. When somebody is guilty of something that he knows is wrong but can't seem to stop himself, the obvious course of action is to lie about it instead of getting in trouble over it.

He sees you as "getting him in trouble", so his better option (in his mind) is to lie about it. If you approach him from a supportive stance - instead of having an accusatory tone, offer a supportive tone - he might see you as the better option instead of the lie. Nobody wants an enemy out of a spouse. Everybody needs an ally, especially in a spouse. You can be the ally that will bring him out of that dangerous plane he is in.

[MorningStar]

That might help in some cases, but if he's not ready to give up the addiction, telling the truth will threaten that and he knows his wife will not accept, "Thanks, honey! But I'm just going to keep doing it for now." Often they will keep lying even when you have indisputable evidence and tell them you want to help them.

[Minnie]

Thanks so much for all your support!

[Guest]

That might help in some cases, but if he's not ready to give up the addiction, telling the truth will threaten that and he knows his wife will not accept, "Thanks, honey! But I'm just going to keep doing it for now." Often they will keep lying even when you have indisputable evidence and tell them you want to help them.

In this case, "telling on him" to the bishop is not gonna make matters better. Going to the bishop should then be just to help you deal with it and keep your spiritual life intact.

[SuzyQ7879]

I hate this situation for you but unfortunately getting caught RARELY is a catalyst for change. Most likely all going to the bishop will do is put him in the position to lie to the Bishop. You have to ask yourself what you want your end result to be and how much control do you have of that outcome......the answer is most likely none. You only have control over yourself and your response. Most all of your decisions need to be about you and your (and your children's) well-being.

Let me tell you a something about a spouse you can't trust from personal experience.....it gets old real quick and you NEVER get over it. My mother and father have had this disfunctional relationship for 40 years. She has become cynical and unfeeling and joyless. My Mom says she has spent her whole life "waiting for the other shoe to drop".

Be prayerful. Heavenly Father knows your heart and his and what is best for both of you!

[MorningStar]

I wouldn't tell on him. I would tell my bishop that I need support while my husband refuses to choose his family over his addiction - that I will need priesthood blessings from someone else and maybe counseling through the church.