Large Familes and Parenting Neglect

[Suzie]

I was reading an article today when a line caught my attention:

"Mormons tend to have larger-than-average families, so the main parenting strategy is one of selective neglect."

Why Mormon mothers are superior (or not) | Mormon Times

I am just linking the source but I would like to focus on whether or not you think larger than average families have( as their main strategy) selective neglect.

[mordorbund]

I don't know that I'd term it "selective neglect" as much as "small community responsibility". I came from a larger-than-average family. A core part of our chores dealt with personal responsibility (cleaning your own room, making your bed, etc) as well as family responsibility (wash/dry dishes, set the table, etc). I think Tiffany's point is that after going through a large-family training camp, a person is independent enough to do his own laundry, maintain his own place, and make responsible choices (like go to work instead of playing xbox). But this skill wasn't gained because his parents just ignored him and acted like they didn't have a child. It's because he was deliberately trained in these activities growing up. He was accountable for his own person, for his room, and for certain shared spaces.

That's the ideal anyway.

[rayhale]

I need to know what selective neglect means, in order to comment on it. That being said, I can see a large family with children having a wide range of ages, usually will go to and do activities that is for the age range of the youngest, or oldest, child. With a large amount of children, there is less one-on-one personal teaching between parent and child. My main question is, whether or not selective neglect is intentional or inadvertent?

[Guest Alana]

I do not think that large families use selective neglect. If anything, there are more people to count on to help you out and guide the way. When I'm nursing my baby and my son wants someone to walk him to the bathroom and I have an other child go with him, that's not neglect, it's working together as a family.

I also think it's important to realize that article is written with humor.

"Mormons tend to have larger-than-average families, so the main parenting strategy is one of selective neglect. There is an emphasis on independence and self-survival. Hard work and service are expected from a young age."

I think the term 'selective neglect' in that article is where the humor comes in, but the idea of 'self-survival' isn't so off. Nothing wrong with expecting kids to learn how to do things for themselves when they are able. Especially if they know that mom or dad or a sibling are ready and willing (as much as a sibling can be willing) to help if help is actually needed.

There are so many ways to parent and I really don't think large families hurt the parents abilities to effectively and lovingly parent just by there being more kids to parent.

[Dravin]

You need to define selective neglect as the article never bothers to.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Dravin

[Gwen]

does "selective neglect" mean the same as my mom telling me something along the lines of "sometimes when you are raising kids you have to have selective vision. if you "see" everything you will do nothing but fuss all day long. kids will get into things. pick your battles and ignore the rest." ?

i've found it works pretty well for me. the kids learn a lot about independence and caring about the ppl around them. sometimes my 5 yr old and almost 3 yr old pick out their clothes together. they don't want mom's help, they can do it themselves. works out for me cause i have a lot to do in the mornings, so i let them. they may go out in a rather unique fashion but they are dressed including clean undies and socks, they are happy and they feel very good about themselves. not to mention the younger one will confidently say "this is my sister and she is my best friend". if that's the results of "selective neglect" i'm all for it.

[NeuroTypical]

In my ward, there is a family with 22 kids - tons of foster kids. Two other families have a dozen each. Our Catholic neighbors are up to 8 or 9 (I've lost count). Just like families with fewer kids, it's a mixed bag of results. I do not believe there is anything specific to large families that forces there to be neglect. The one with 22 kids certainly is the exact opposite.

I don't get where the author is coming from. Neglect is a bad thing, and from where I'm standing, she's utterly failing to substantiate the word 'neglect'.

LM