Self Control Help

[apollyon]

So, I have problems with self control. I don't know what the problem is. I don't know why it is so hard for me to control myself on somethings. I'm 22 years old, and I have been making a concerted, conscious effort for self control for the past 5 years, at least. As far as I can tell, no progress. I always seem to fall back into the same ruts. So I wanted to ask if anyone has any methods of self control, any motivations that really work well for them.

I'm pretty much giving up hope and this is a last-ditch attempt. I don't mean to sound all whiny and depressed, because I'm not. I'm just "fed up with it." You know? That's the end, if you want to go ahead and leave a response. I'm going to elaborate on specific areas that I have a hard time controlling.

I find it very odd, because there are some things that I am fantastic at having self control over (specifically money and related things. I won't buy something if I know I can't afford it, or if it's not even practical), but other things I have NO self control, and I will lose countless hours of my life. This example is specifically video games, but that's not the only thing. If it were video games alone, I wouldn't say I had a problem.

I find it difficult to control my reactions towards other people- I'm terribly sarcastic and critical, but I don't do it to be rude, but just because I honestly feel that way and I think people should know when they're being stupid. I have some bad habits that I can't seem to break. And conversely, I have good habits that I can't seem to get into. For example, I love running, and I want nothing more than to run a marathon. But I can only run for a few weeks before my motivation kinda peters out and I start making excuses not to run. If I'm going to run a marathon, that is at least 3 months of intense training, which I can't bring myself to do. Not for a lack of desire, but for a lack of self control.

Anyway, you get the idea. Any suggestions would be helpful. I'm willing to try anything at this point.

[Backroads]

Do you have any delayed rewards you can give yourself? I love delayed rewards--in fact, in kindergarten I drank my milk first before eating my cookie at snack time.

You don't have to go a long time. Work up to it. Depending on the need for self control, give yourself a small goal--five minutes, three days, etc.

Also... how do you feel about meditation? It really puts your mind in a good place for you can hold back on and what you need now.

[Optimistic_Trish]

I often feel the same way, and this is going to sound REALLY churchy lol, but it's the only thing that has ever worked for me.

I try to gain self control numerous times and often fall flat on my face, starting over every three days or so :) This often keeps me feeling either guilty or that i'm a complete failure. I've realized there are some things I will just never control on my own because at the moment of choice, the desire to exercise control is very minimal. It's always after the fact that I wish I had been stronger.

I like the idea of delay words, but intsead of words for me I use (like I said, super churchy so be prepared!!) scriptures and prayer.

Four years ago there was something that I just couldn't' overcome and so one day I finally just pleaded with the Lord to make that weakness a strength. Every time I had the desire I would get out my scriptures, sometimes begrudgingly or say a prayer (one of actually getting on my knees so it was effort) and it almost always worked although I still faltered once in a while. I would read or pray until the desire was gone and I felt in control. It took about a year to fully overcome it but now I can truly say that the thing in which I once desired isn't even a temptation at all anymore.

I'm sure there are lots of other ways, but that has been the only thing to work for me when it comes to the things that are super hard... I started it to just at least show myself I gave an effort to not give in, but ended up actually gaining the self control I needed.

Self-mastery is hard and a life long process with bumps along the way but it's possible (I think lol)!!! Good luck with your trek! :)

[prophetofdoom]

If it is the self control I am thinking of... get married ASAP! LOL

[Backroads]

You don't have to automatically become a geru of self control. If you're better than you were, that's success.

[unixknight]

I once read a book called "Willpower is not Enough." The premise of the book was twofold:

1)When you mess up, forgive yourself. When we beat ourselves up over our failures we actually undermine our own ability to exercise self control. We convince ourselves that we don't deserve success.

2)Don't rely on willpower alone to keep you out of trouble. Willpower is like a guardrail on a mountain road. You don't drive your car by dragging against the guardrail the whole time, do you? No. You drive down the road and the guardrail is there to (hopefully) save you from going off a cliff in case you get careless. That's how willpower is. Nobody walks into a strip bar to exercise their willpower in not looking at the dancers. People who don't want to be temped just don't go to strip clubs.

When my sons began to date I warned them not to rely on willpower alone to keep them from going too far with their girlfriends. I told them it's better just to avoid tempting situations altogether.

I don't know what your specific willpower problem is but if you can adapt those ideas to it, you may find some success.

[rameumptom]

I agree with the above. Also, develop new habits and options to replace the old ones. When tempted, have a list of options to do instead.

1. go for a walk

2. talk to a close friend

3. exercise

4. do some kickboxing

5. beat up the pillows on your bed until you are exhausted

6. pray

7. treat yourself to your favorite food

Have a big list of things, so if one fails, you default to the next thing on the list.

The reason why we fail is because we get lazy. When we sin, we feel the intensity of that sin and are very devout in avoiding it, for a time. But once the intensity of guilt is gone, it is easy to slip back into our old habits. New habits take time to develop, and require continuous effort.

You can lose 10 pounds fairly easily, for example. But keeping it off requires constant diligence. You can reward yourself occasionally for keeping it off, but you cannot indulge daily, or you go back to where you were. People fail on diets, because they get lazy and drop back to their default ways. But just like Rocky, you have to have the hunger constantly before you. You have to want it bad enough, not just today, but every following day. New routines and habits can help us overcome, but it requires being diligent on the new habits.

[beefche]

Fast. Fast and pray. And try fasting.

The Lord gave us the law of the fast for varied reasons. One of which is to train our bodies to be subjected to our spirits. So, do a proper fast on a regular basis and ask the Lord for help in having self-control.

[Guest]

I have a temper problem. What I have found is that if I'm looking up at the ceiling, I can't seem to get enough steam to feed my temper. Don't ask me why - it just works.

So, I suggest looking for something that works for you for each situation. Like, if you can't get yourself off of video games - set a very loud alarm clock right next to you, set it for an hour, then play to your heart's content. Once the alarm rings, see if you can get that to stop you. If not, look for something else.

Training for a marathon - a training buddy might work for you. Somebody you have to be obligated to because if you don't train with the buddy then he doesn't get to run too. Something like that.

In all cases, acknowledge that it is a weakness. Accept that it is currently beyond your capability. So, you will need an external something to help you through it - whether it be prayer, alarm clock, or a running buddy...

[Backroads]

I had a terrible temper as a child and teenager. I actually selected my temper as the subject of a Personal Progress challenge to watch a personal flaw for a month. I had to write down every day how I did.

It worked. I never had much of a temper problem again.

[MichaelCraig]

Apol buddy, I agree with ProphetofDoom but I must add a line. get married, and have CHILDREN. You will find a new sense of compassion, patience, awareness and will gain the knowledge that will be equal to 12 different doctorates...or be killed in the process. Either way you'd have some relief bud. :) No, really I'll give what I give to so many for all kinds of troubles. Prayer. It works. More than many MANY people could ever imagine when it's done in earnest. The fact you came here means you are aware and care dearly about this issue, so don't stop here my friend.

[Guest jengilbrat]

Ok, well since self control is one of the major things we are on earth to learn, Satan is going to make us think we can't do it. 1st Corin, 10:13 says we can resist all temptation, we will not be given anything we can't deal with. It might be hard, but we can do it.

The other thing I wanted to tell you is that there is a big differnce between a slip up and a relapes. I don't jus mean with addictions, this can work with self control, too. When you slip up, you realize you made a mistake, and you go back to you plan. relapes with when you make a mistake and tell your self you messed up and you don't go back to your plan.

Don't give up. You can do this.

When you slip up, keep working at it, soon you will see your slips ups happen less often. No body is perfect (well one is, but nobody here on earth is.) Just don't turn a slip up into a relapes.

Don't give up, it can take years, but that's why you have a whole life, not just a few weeks, some things take time.

Anyways, that's my 2 cents.

[Guest jengilbrat]

Oh yeah, when we start to make progress, that's when Satan wants us to fail, he's making the slip ups turn to relapes.

Ok so that makes it my 3 cents, not 2 cents. hehe.

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

I have a very similar problem. One thing I'm finding that helps is taking things a day at a time. If your goal is to run, say you're going to run tomorrow. And don't think about after that. Then, tomorrow, make a new plan the next day to run again. If you can convince yourself you're only going to run this one time and that's it, it doesn't feel that overwhelming. Small goals work wonders.

Another thing, if you're like me and the constant failures add up to feeling like you can't do anything you want to or should do, is to pick one thing you really want to do (maybe yours is running), something that you have the most motivation to do. And then work on that one thing, with the small goals thing if that helps. Mine was school, starting back after a year of doing almost nothing, and that's helped a lot because I'm actually doing well this time. The fact I'm still keeping up with it and haven't yet lost motivation a month into it amazes me. I don't say this to brag, but to point out that if I can do it, so can you.

[prospectmom]

BYU online has a great class SELF DICIPLINE and it is free