Relationships

[lehi1902]

Deleted for personal reasons.

Edited April 5, 2011 by lehi1902

[Dravin]

Have you talked with her about your concerns? If it's still too early for a conversation like that I'd suggest you decide if you'd want to be with her if she didn't change at all (start wearing make-up, keep a tidier space, study more or what have you). If the answer is yes, press forward, if the answer is no then probably best to back away.

[pam]

The thing is you don't want someone to change for you. You want them to change for themselves. It appears to me there are many issues of differences and while they might seem petty, they can become major.

[MorningStar]

What bothers you about the make-up/hair thing? How it looks to others or to you? Somewhere there is a married guy out there who wishes his wife didn't spend so much on make-up and her hair. I was surprised when all of the guys I dated preferred me without make-up including my husband.

Is she a messy person? I know lots of people who go in the complete opposite direction of their family - people with OCD parents become slobs just because they can. People who lived in messy houses might grow up to be clean freaks.

[Guest Alana]

You're right about serious relationships possibly leading to marriage. The issues you've listed can create strain if they are a priority to you. Since you mentioned you're in college I'll assume you're in your 20's and at an appropriate age to date for marriage. Since you haven't dated before though, why do you need to start off with serious relationships?

This is geared more for people aged 16-18 Dating FAQs - New Era Apr. 2010

but since you're just starting out, why not try a more casual and varied dating approach at first? Why don't you continue to get to know this girl, and possibly others if possible, take her on dates, but not date exclusively or be girlfriend/boyfriend? Of course, let her know that you don't consider you two exclusive, not because you're a villainous womanizer, but because you're not ready for a serious relationship yet. Maybe in 6 months you will be ready. Maybe you'll be ready when you meet the right girl. You sound pretty thoughtful on the subject of marriage and relationships, and are weighing your decisions carefully, but there can be a learning curve for some people when it comes to dating, especially seriously.

When I was a teenager I would daydream about what my future husband would be like. If I had got what I had dreamed up, he would have been a male version of myself and I would have hated it. I dated a few other people after I dated my now husband. It took me a while to figure out what/who I was looking for. Some people get married early in the dating game, and it's wonderful and great and they're happy forever. Some people get married early in the dating game and really wish they'd had more of a chance to figure out what the opposite sex was all about. So, like I said, it's ok to date her casually, especially if you have some doubts, as long as she knows that's how it is. Plus, it makes it easier to back down to friendship if needed.

[Guest Alana]

Oh, and as a messy woman with no fashion sense (I wore mens t-shirts only for years), no decorating ability and not a fan of makeup I'll say I make my husband very happy. BUT, if I was married to someone who was bothered (even a little but tried not to let it show too much) by the way I do things, it would be very stressful for me.

[Gwen]

i agree with needing to talk to her about them. though they may seem small i think those things are real red flags as things that can become huge in the future (especially after kids. they take away time to pretty yourself up and they make a house messy fast).

i don't think they are the end all if you can talk about them properly but if you can't....

also, good for you for seeing things in reality out the door. many come here that can't do that. don't go to far overboard in looking for to many red flags, but don't ignore the ones that are there. good job on seeing them early.

[JudoMinja]

My first thread here.

So I am starting to date this girl, and I am starting to like her. I have a very good time with her. I'm getting a little worried about getting into a serious relationship with her though, because of some differences we have, and because I know that generally serious relationships end up in marriage. I think I am just too afraid of commitment; or maybe those differences are important.

For example: she is very low-maintenance. She doesn’t wear make up, doesn’t do her hair, doesn’t care too much about how she dresses. And although I don’t care too much, I do care a little bit.

Also, she was raised in a very messy house. On the other hand, I was raised in a very clean and organized house. I actually feel bad when I am at her house.

Third, she doesn’t seem very interested in education. She goes to college, but that’s it – while I study like crazy and consider education one of the most valuable things you can possibly have.

I have never been in a serious relationship before, so I wonder what some of you think. Should I keep going and give it a try, or are our differences just irreconcilable in some ways?

Any differences that are important to you are important. Whether or not they make or break the relationship, is completely up to you and how much importance you place on these differences. There will always be differences between yourself and anyone you strive to have a relationship with, because you simply will not find a carbon copy opposite-gender version of yourself out there in the world.

You cannot expect her to change. Someday, she may change some of these habits and characteristics that bother you, but it will only be if she wants to change. If she's completely happy with herself the way she is, chances are there will be no change in any forseeable future. So, you need to ask yourself if you can overlook these differences and live with them, or if they are too important to overlook.

For example, I care very very much about my education. Learning is part of who I am, and I don't think I will ever stop trying to improve myself intellectually. However, I know it would be rediculous to expect that from a future spouse, as there are very few people in the world as dedicated to learning as I am, and I also recognize that though this is important to me it is not neccessary for others to love learning as much as I do. There are many other wonderful pursuits out there, and I would hate to judge people based on how much they know. Some of the greatest people in the world had very minimal education- like Jospeh Smith. So, differences in dedication to college work would not be a high priority to me personally.

Organization, however, (another of the points you mentioned) would matter to me. Though I do not expect someone who prioritizes cleaning and organization in exactly the same manner I do, I would expect my future spouse to have a high enough sense of cleanliness that I will not feel the need to constantly pick up after him. Mess and clutter can cause stress, and I do not want to be stressed out by the need to clean-up after a husband when I could find someone who prefers to keep things orderly as I do. Some may consider this to be a menial thing, but it is important to me.

Whether the differences you are concerned about will cause problems is an entirely personal decision, and one you would definitely need to discuss with her. Perhaps you have characteristics and habits that bother her as well. A good, heart-felt discussion between the two of you, (without cutting each other down for your differences) will help you determine whether you want to take the relationship further or call it off.

[apexviper13]

So do you like her for her or her looks? Being afraid of commitment is more important than the things you mentioned about her.

"She doesn’t wear make up, doesn’t do her hair, doesn’t care too much about how she dresses. And although I don’t care too much, I do care a little bit."

Whatever you do, do not tell her to wear make-up.

"Also, she was raised in a very messy house. On the other hand, I was raised in a very clean and organized house. I actually feel bad when I am at her house."

That's her parents. Just because that's how their house has been doesn't mean that's how she is.

"Third, she doesn’t seem very interested in education. She goes to college, but that’s it – while I study like crazy and consider education one of the most valuable things you can possibly have."

She goes to college so obviously she is interested in education.

[Dravin]

So do you like her for her or her looks?

While that may be called for it may also be a touch unfair. It really depends on the nuance of his concern. Of course regardless of the legitimacy of his concern it needs to be resolved one way or another.

That's her parents. Just because that's how their house has been doesn't mean that's how she is.

No it doesn't, but we do tend to pick up traits form our parents. It's a question of if she picked that trait up or if she has her own trait where it concerns keeping house.

She goes to college so obviously she is interested in education.

Actually there is the possibly she's just doing it because that's what society says her role is right now without her having much attachment or seeing much value in it, or because Daddy is paying and hey, college life is fun. Of course even if she has some interest she doesn't have the same drive he does (or at least that is his perception). Which could be an issue when raising children. If she's content to let the children get Cs and he will push them to get As you have potential conflict.

The thing is, and this is probably your point, that these concerns aren't exactly insurmountable.

Edited March 13, 2011 by Dravin

[apexviper13]

Look, I've dated a girl similar to the one you're dating. Her house was a mess and she was the type that would wear baggy clothes and didn't wear make-up. Did that cause a problem? No. Why? Because I liked HER.

[slamjet]

Look, I've dated a girl similar to the one you're dating. Her house was a mess and she was the type that would wear baggy clothes and didn't wear make-up. Did that cause a problem? No. Why? Because I liked HER.

But did you marry her?

[Dravin]

But did you marry her?

And if he did, did he share the OPs concerns? If not his post isn't even an 'I shared the same concerns as you and things worked themselves out' hope offering and more of a 'I, a completely different person than you who didn't share your concerns, married such a girl and they didn't turn into concerns after the fact' declaration. I mean, 'I don't care if my house is messy and I married a woman who doesn't care if the house is messy, and we have a messy house and it doesn't bother me' isn't much of a revelation.

[lehi1902]

Deleted deleted deleted.

Edited April 5, 2011 by lehi1902

[apexviper13]

Thanks for all the replies. They have helped.

I have decided to let things flow, without getting into something serious for a while. We are going on many dates, and I am realizing day by day that she is quite different from what I thought. She actually wears make up sometimes (and I realized I like her more without it). She had to defer going to college because her parents have serious financial problems. Also, she seems clean and organized with her stuff, contrary to her family. She also has many other qualities that I hadn't seem before. I am not saying I am ready for a commitment (like an official facebook relationship =), but I am glad things are going pretty well!

Thanks again!

Yea. Girls can wear make-up without it being noticeable.