Devastated

[slamjet]

And is it so wrong of me to want to feel special in his life? Because, that is what it comes down to. I don't feel special in his life. I know he loves me, and I'm not asking that he love me more than his ex. (But, that would be sweet if he did). I just need to know that I'm at least up there on the same level.

You are more than just up there at the same level, you are far, far surpassed that level. You need to give yourself a lot of credit here. It may be difficult to see, but he felt comfortable enough with you to confide in. He spent 30+ years with you. He want's to spend even more years with you. In the end, he chose you over her. And if you really think about it, all you are doing is disparaging his choice in a friend, wife, and eternal companion by tearing yourself down and thinking you are on the same level of his ex, for whom he didn't spend anywhere close to the time he spent with you, as well as invest emotionally, spiritually, physically and eternally. He admitted his immaturity in the beginning of your relationship. Give him the benefit of the doubt and a bit of slack. Give yourself a HUGE hug and pat on the back for being the most wonderful companion he would ever want.

He may not remember the details, heck, he may not ever remember your anniversary, birthday, kid's birthday's or even to put the toilet seat down. But you are that other part of him that remembers and made sure he better not forget.

Why not sit down alone together, cuddle up and tell him what it was like that first time with him. Don't ask him if he remembers, just tell him how you felt and how wonderful it was for you. I bet once you tell him in a setting of love, forgiveness, compassion and togetherness, he won't soon forget it. And if he's as good to you as you make him out to be, he'll appreciate your memory of it.

[classylady]

Thank you, Slamjet. I am trying to focus on the positive, and focus on my self-esteem. My self-esteem was damaged with the past, and I guess it needs some repairing. I'm also trying to help my husband with his self-esteem too. His was damaged because of his first wife's affairs. I want my actions with my husband to uplift him, and make sure he's secure in our relationship. You would think that 30 years of marriage would be enough for anyone to feel secure--for either husband or wife.

And I wonder if our experience is unique to just my husband and me? Maybe other husbands/wives have had the same issue when they've been married more than once. Perhaps the memory of having sex for the first time will always stand out, just because it is the first time. It may have nothing to do whatsoever with the person it involved. And maybe that is where my hangup is. I've focused too much on the who rather than the what. But, I don't know. For me as a woman, it's almost impossible to separate the two.

[classylady]

just a quick $0.02... I think one great way to get over feeling jealous/insecure is to go out and find something that allows you to define yourself by something other than your relationship with your husband - one of the opposites of insecure is "independent" - you know that progression of dependent - independent - interdependent? before you can have a good/solid/secure "interdependent" relationship with someone, you have to first be independent... If you can have part of your life that is independent from your husband - not defined by your husband - nothing whatsoever to do with your husband - so that you can be your own person / define yourself rather than being defined by a relationship... something that (heaven forbid) but if you did get separated, you had something that he could not take away from you because it was all yours - imo a little bit of something "independent" makes women more confident in themselves - knowing that you can stand on your own two feet in something without having to rely on your husband for it - it makes you your own person... does that make sense?

so find something for you, that you can do well - hobbies? career? exercise? hiking? write a book and publish it? (from what I read you like to write!) get into art, go take a class somewhere - find a few things where you can define yourself as an individual - then come into the relationship with confidence and self esteem: self-esteem comes from finding something, working on it, becoming skilled at it - ID your skills, get confidence from those skills, and then bring that in to create "inter-dependence" rather than being dependent... just my 0.02.

did that make any sense?

Thanks, Changed. Yes, that makes perfect sense. And, I did go back to school and finished my college degree while I was in my 40's. That was definitely just for me. It's strange, I'm very secure and have high self-esteem in a number of areas. For example, standing in front a crowd and giving a talk, teaching adults, writing a term paper and sharing it in front of a class, I'm very secure about doing. But in my relationship with my husband my self-esteem definitely took a nose dive. We're working on it. By talking about the things that have happened in the past, it has helped a great deal. But, I think my husband wishes some things hadn't come out in the open. Even though I've been hurt, I'm still glad he's been honest with me. To me, that's more important.

[classylady]

You are more than just up there at the same level, you are far, far surpassed that level. You need to give yourself a lot of credit here. It may be difficult to see, but he felt comfortable enough with you to confide in. He spent 30+ years with you. He want's to spend even more years with you. In the end, he chose you over her. And if you really think about it, all you are doing is disparaging his choice in a friend, wife, and eternal companion by tearing yourself down and thinking you are on the same level of his ex, for whom he didn't spend anywhere close to the time he spent with you, as well as invest emotionally, spiritually, physically and eternally. He admitted his immaturity in the beginning of your relationship. Give him the benefit of the doubt and a bit of slack. Give yourself a HUGE hug and pat on the back for being the most wonderful companion he would ever want.

He may not remember the details, heck, he may not ever remember your anniversary, birthday, kid's birthday's or even to put the toilet seat down. But you are that other part of him that remembers and made sure he better not forget.

Why not sit down alone together, cuddle up and tell him what it was like that first time with him. Don't ask him if he remembers, just tell him how you felt and how wonderful it was for you. I bet once you tell him in a setting of love, forgiveness, compassion and togetherness, he won't soon forget it. And if he's as good to you as you make him out to be, he'll appreciate your memory of it.

Just an update, Slamjet. We did as you suggested. We sat down, and did talk about our first time together. I was able to go over some of the details--what room we were in, what he said, etc, and it did jog his memory somewhat. We had a loving talk about it. I think he feels better, because he was feeling bad about the situation with him not remembering any thing at all--and now he can remember a few of the details. As for me, with the talk, I understand him a little more. He told me that he was sorry, but his first time with his ex was simply more memorable because it was his first time--not that it was more significant because it was with her, but more significant to him because it was his first time. And, yes he tells me he is sorry, that he can remember exactly where he was with her, and what quilt they used, and so on, and couldn't remember a thing about us until I reminded him, but I am not any less significant to him than she was--the same way he says, he remembers other significant firsts in his life with his ex such as his marriage proposal to her, and remembering her new name in the temple. These events, he says, were not any more significant with her than they were with me, but it was the first time, so it sticks in his memory, and unfortunately (and he wishes he could) he doesn't remember those events with me. And he explained that even though he has experienced most of his life's significant events first with his ex, such as the birth of his first son and daughter, living with a woman as husband and wife for the first time, buying a house, etc., that those events will always be imprinted in his mind, but I am not, and our experiences together, are not any less significant. So, do I feel any better about the situation? I'm still hurting, but I'm more secure in our relationship. Thank you, Slamjet, for your care and concern, and everyone else who has posted on this thread. It has meant a lot to me.

Edited April 26, 2011 by classylady

[slamjet]

All I can think to say is your welcome, and thank you very much.

[rex8499]

I'm glad we could all help. :)

[Bini]

My first intimate experience wasn't a milestone at all. But when you're a foolish teenager, a lot of the stuff you do isn't really a memory keepsake, rather it's an "in-the-moment" sort of thing. As for my memories of being intimate with my ex-husband, as of now I don't treasure those or really remember our first time together, either.. But that stuff sort of fades when that person in your life is no longer. My husband feels the same way. Just some of my own experience to share.

Glad you were able to work things out.

[classylady]

My first intimate experience wasn't a milestone at all. But when you're a foolish teenager, a lot of the stuff you do isn't really a memory keepsake, rather it's an "in-the-moment" sort of thing. As for my memories of being intimate with my ex-husband, as of now I don't treasure those or really remember our first time together, either.. But that stuff sort of fades when that person in your life is no longer. My husband feels the same way. Just some of my own experience to share.

Glad you were able to work things out.

Bini, thank you. I find your comment encouraging where you say that "As for my memories of being intimate with my ex-husband, as of now I don't treasure those or really remember our first time together, either...". My husband has mentioned something along those same lines too. He has told me that he doesn't like things that remind him about his past sex life with his ex, or anything intimate with her, because it isn't anything that he treasures, and would prefer it if his memory didn't recall anything intimate with her AT ALL. And he says his memory has faded, that there is a lot that he doesn't recall about the two of them--which he is glad for. And I admit that I'm glad about that too. Anyway, I guess if the memories have faded for you, then I'm hoping that what my husband has said is true too, and he's not just saying this to spare my feelings. Thank you.

[shdwlkr]

I have read just a few of the posts but I see somethings that should not be

you are comparing your life with your husband to his ex, bad idea

You are asking him some questions he may not really have answers too and you become hurt because of it.

You feeling hurt because he doesn't remember the first time you had sex, Have you thought that for him he may feel he hurt you some how and it was not good for you?

He does need to setup boundaries with the ex who seems to be unable to let go even at this late date.

You seem to have had a good marriage and seem to want to be with him. So I would make a date with your husband sit down and tell him how you feel and let him answer as best he can. Then get up and give him the biggest hug and kiss you can and tell him how much you love him and never again compare to his ex as you are the one he is with, you are the one he had all those kids with, you are the one he has been with for how many years? and most of all get down on your knees as a couple and thank your heavenly father for bringing the two of you together.

I am in the tail end stages of a divorce and they are not pretty, fun or even something I would recommend most of the time. I am finding that there was much more wrong in my marriage then was right, I was not perfect nor was she and we just ended up going in different directions because of some things. We are working out the final details and have remained civil because there are kids involved and being a hard firm individual hurts everyone. We are even working out her moving into another area and my still being a part of my kids lives. You can make a divorce a living hell or just plain a pain to go through all the steps. Yes one day I would like to be in another relationship with someone just not now or the near future. Yes the soon to be ex already is in another relationship and I see how it is affecting the kids, not good.

You have a very good marriage, a loving husband and a devoted husband, what more are you looking for. You seem to be devoted to him also with a few questions that should not even have been asked let alone answered.

As a guy the one thing we don't even like being is made to feel we are inferior, have done something to upset our partner, or to feel we are being compared to something in our past with the current relationship. This is even true if we still seem to be hanging onto the past to some extent. We maybe doing this for the other person and for us it is a dead issue but the other person who was part of our life for however long just can't seem to adjust to the new situation.

Have some tolerance and love the ex but also draw lines of interaction as time goes on they should become less and less a part of your life.

Hope this helps.

One last thing is that life is a journey and the challenges we face are there to help us grow in the gospel and as an individual. Remember we are never given a challenge/task that we can not over come, but sometimes it is harder than others.

[classylady]

I have read just a few of the posts but I see somethings that should not be

you are comparing your life with your husband to his ex, bad idea

You are asking him some questions he may not really have answers too and you become hurt because of it.

I'm sorry if my posts came across that I was asking my husband specific questions about his past relationship with his ex. I haven't asked him to compare us. And he has tried hard not to compare me to his ex. It's just that he has let slip some things through conversations. It's his past, and so of course he contributes to conversations about what he's done. For example, when his brothers or sisters (he has 8 of them) got married and talked about their rings, he likes to be involved in the conversations too, and would talk about the ring he bought for his ex. I'm in the room listening to the conversation, and perhaps it's just because I'm a woman, but my feelings have gotten hurt. He didn't mean to hurt my feelings. He just sometimes says things before thinking--the same way he has mentioned how I reacted differently to our intimate relations than his ex. Again, he doesn't mean to purposely hurt me, but over the course of years, things come out.

Plus, we are best friends, so we have pretty much confided everything to each other. He's read this thread. He knows how I feel. And maybe, he's confided a little too much? For him, he has told me, that he hasn't been sure where to draw the line. What does he keep to himself, and what is okay to share? He wants to share everything, because he doesn't want to keep anything from me, but at the same time he doesn't want to hurt me. I probably know too much about their past relationship. I probably have received too much information that should have been kept private--I don't know. It's hard to keep things private over the course of our 30 years together. I've accidentally seen the "naughty" pictures and movie he and the ex took of each other. That was definitely too much information that I would have preferred not to know about. So again, maybe it's a "woman" thing. It's been hard not to feel hurt about certain situations in our relationship.

[shdwlkr]

classlady

Yes it could be a woman thing and no most guys don't understand it. So sit down and explain it to your beloved. He will need to have you do this in a positive non judgmental way and then move on with your lives. You have a great marriage maybe not perfect but who in this life is perfect.

You have someone who loves you very much or you two would not be together. The two of you have worked as a team for how many years?

I still think you need to give him a big hug and kiss and then go have some fun together as he is with you, must love you a lot and the bottom line is that you have stayed together. My ex just dumped me when life's challenges came into the marriage that was her way of dealing with the issues. She found a new guy before our divorce was final and never looked back. Think how that made me feel about our marriage!

I would love to have someone who wanted to be with me and to face life's challenges with me, but it may never happen because I am not to the point I don't know if I can ever trust what a woman says to me and about being with me.

The two of you are the lucky ones and me and many more like me both men and women have been hurt so deeply that the healing process just might take the rest of our lives of being alone.

Do you want to know what being a lone is? It is simple you do everything in and around the house alone, there is no one to talk to, most of your friends are in relationships so you are the odd man/woman out. You see couples all around you having fun and you are so scared to even think of you having someone that it just upsets you.

This was me a while back now I am happy with myself and my life being alone, I keep busy and don't even think about finding someone as it is so counter productive and just let the days happen as they happen. I still don't know if I can let someone in my heart again but that is a work in progress and maybe one day if it is supposed to be it will happen if not then I have my work and my hobbies to keep me active and moving and that will be my life. I see so many couples who run to the lawyer to end a marriage just because life got in the way. How sad that couples don't want to fight to be together anymore and that they would rather fight with lawyers and a judge over who gets what and why.

Best of luck in moving forward and I really mean give that guy of yours a big hug and kiss and let him know just how pleased, happy and excited you are that he is there with you and still wants to be there with you. You have a true keeper there in that man of yours and he in you. You both are so lucky beyond even what either of you knows, I can attest being alone is not all that many singles will tell you, it is a hard life and lonely many times but we have to accept it as there is no other choice and we do rely on our father in heaven a lot to give us the strength, courage and desire to keep moving forward because we don't know what he has ahead for us and who knows maybe it is what we would love most in this life a loving caring companion.

[Laureltree]

Morningstar , you hit it right on the nail :)

Every wife has been here atleast one, weather its an old girlfriend or an exwife....and it truly can take a toll on your eart, your feelings twards dear hubby, and your spirituality.

Your relationship should never compare to thiers. Honestly, if the ring means so much....talk to him about it, pick one out and renew your vows :) :winks: and make a wedding night you both remember......

Second marriages are hard enough, but when the advisary's influences our thoughts, talk about a doward spiral, and I know...Ive been there :) Work on positive things that can boost, enhance, and creatively make your marriage more romantic and stronger each year....:) You've had him for 30 years...Thats awesome !, He must think your one pretty amazing woman.....:) I'm sure if you ask him to list some of your amazing qualities, you would be shocked at how much he truly does love and appreciate you, beyond what he ever loved his first wife , just a thought...:) We as wives tend to over think and look into things way to much, sometimes letting go of negitive self talk...helps reinforce the positive things we knew all along...hugs...:)

I hope things are doing better :)

[Backroads]

My husband has told me on many occassions that he is happier with me than he has ever been with his ex-wife. If he accidentally says her name instead of mine, I honestly just have to laugh at the look of mortification on his face. I've learned guys just don't think the same.

Perhaps some other random thing connected one memory instead of another...

[Jennarator]

My husband has told me on many occassions that he is happier with me than he has ever been with his ex-wife. If he accidentally says her name instead of mine, I honestly just have to laugh at the look of mortification on his face. I've learned guys just don't think the same.

Perhaps some other random thing connected one memory instead of another...

Haha....exactly the same, thing here. He looks so mortified when he calls me by the name of his ex.

[slamjet]

Haha....exactly the same, thing here. He looks so mortified when he calls me by the name of his ex.

I will assume the humor is situation based

[Jennarator]

I will assume the humor is situation based

Yes, it is. It wasn't so funny the first time. But I know he loves ME. Now is just an old habit, that came back to haunt him. Reminds me of calling my kids by the wrong name. My husband also calls me by my daughter's name, at times. He just has something to say, and that is what is on his mind, not what name he is using.

[classylady]

My husband has told me on many occassions that he is happier with me than he has ever been with his ex-wife. If he accidentally says her name instead of mine, I honestly just have to laugh at the look of mortification on his face. I've learned guys just don't think the same.

Perhaps some other random thing connected one memory instead of another...

It hasn't happened in a lot of years for my husband to call me by his ex-wife's name. And yes, I think he was mortified too. Especially, since once it was in front of his mother. You should have seen the look on his face, and his mother's. Now, I can laugh at it. I know now that it didn't mean anything. But, at the time, being a newly wed, it was hard to hear.

I'm glad your husband tells you that he is happier with you than he ever was with his ex-wife. I think with the type of person I am, that I needed to hear that, but never did. So, I always wondered if he was happier with me--or at least as happy. I never knew for sure. After reading the book "The Five Love Languages", I've learned that one of my love languages is "Words of Affirmation". So, now I've told him that I need to hear how much he loves me.

After reading that book and taking the quiz, I came out as being trilingual. I had a three way tie for Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Acts of Service. So, I'm feeling bad for my husband--he wants to show his love to me. And for me to feel like my "love tank" is full, it takes three love languages to do it! I never thought of myself as "needy", or "high maintenance". I'm pretty easy-going--anyway, so I thought.

Edited May 4, 2011 by classylady