NelsensMG Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 I just got baptized in December, and I'm turning 18 this year. I've believed in the church 2 years prior to being baptized but... My parents didn't approve of it, at all. My dad actually came to my baptism, but my mom said it would be like going to an "open casket funeral" for her. Harsh? Maybe more than a little. Anyway, getting to the point. My boyfriend (who is currently serving a mission in Alaska) and I have been together since I was 14. He is the absolutely love of my... Well, etenity. We both know it, and we've both felt that this has been confirmed by the holy ghost, and we are going to get married next year after he comes home. My concern is this; how can I make my parents feel included? My parents said they are not going to support me or pay for anything if I get married in the temple, but if my dad can just "walk me down the aisle" or "unofficially" pronounce us man and wife... They'd support us fully. Would that be possible? Even before the temple sealing could I just have a little dinner that my to-be husband and I go to with JUST my family in our wedding attire... And have my dad walk me into the restruant and hand me off to my to-be husband? As if he's "giving me away?" Could we also exchange a few vows/special words over dinner, and my dad "unofficially" pronounce us man and wife? There'd be no signing a marriage certificate or whatever until we were actually sealed. All of it would be unofficial... Would that be appropriate? Let me know if you have any other suggestions. I want to get married in the temple FIRST and I will not settle for anything less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maureen Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 I just got baptized in December, and I'm turning 18 this year. I've believed in the church 2 years prior to being baptized but... My parents didn't approve of it, at all. My dad actually came to my baptism, but my mom said it would be like going to an "open casket funeral" for her. Harsh? Maybe more than a little....I'm curious about something. If your parents didn't approve of you getting baptized into the LDS religion, why would they give their permission? You would need your parents' consent since you were baptized at 17 years old. I can't imagine this rule changing. I hope you don't mind me asking.M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackmarch Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) I just got baptized in December, and I'm turning 18 this year. I've believed in the church 2 years prior to being baptized but... My parents didn't approve of it, at all. My dad actually came to my baptism, but my mom said it would be like going to an "open casket funeral" for her. Harsh? Maybe more than a little.Anyway, getting to the point. My boyfriend (who is currently serving a mission in Alaska) and I have been together since I was 14. He is the absolutely love of my... Well, etenity. We both know it, and we've both felt that this has been confirmed by the holy ghost, and we are going to get married next year after he comes home.My concern is this; how can I make my parents feel included? My parents said they are not going to support me or pay for anything if I get married in the temple, but if my dad can just "walk me down the aisle" or "unofficially" pronounce us man and wife... They'd support us fully. Would that be possible?Even before the temple sealing could I just have a little dinner that my to-be husband and I go to with JUST my family in our wedding attire... And have my dad walk me into the restruant and hand me off to my to-be husband? As if he's "giving me away?" Could we also exchange a few vows/special words over dinner, and my dad "unofficially" pronounce us man and wife?There'd be no signing a marriage certificate or whatever until we were actually sealed. All of it would be unofficial... Would that be appropriate?Let me know if you have any other suggestions. I want to get married in the temple FIRST and I will not settle for anything less.often times there are 2 ceremonies done:1 is the temple ceremony, and the other is a public wedding ceremony... I havent seen anything that they must be in a certain order.Often times in other countries members have to go through a legal marriage before they can get a temple marriage because of the laws of the land. Edited April 14, 2011 by Blackmarch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarginOfError Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 often times there are 2 ceremonies done:1 is the temple ceremony, and the other is a public wedding ceremony... I havent seen anything that they must be in a certain order. If you go the 2 ceremonies route, i'd say check with your parents and soon to be inlaws to work out the public one.If they want to be legalistic about it perhaps theres someway to reserve getting the union thats recognized by the government done outside the temple (either before or after), and they can participate in that one.Often times in other countries members have to go through a legal marriage before they can get a temple marriage because of the laws of the land.you may want to explain that the temple marriage is to make your union last beyond death, but that the legal marriage that is recognised by the state/government can be done outside the temple.But be aware that the Church's policy in the United States is that if the civil ceremony is done outside of and prior to the temple ceremony, the couple must wait 1 year before entering the temple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackmarch Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 But be aware that the Church's policy in the United States is that if the civil ceremony is done outside of and prior to the temple ceremony, the couple must wait 1 year before entering the temple.I was not aware of that thanks for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
estradling75 Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 They could also do a temple ceremony in the morning and then do whatever else they wish to help the parents feel included later that day with no problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 All the weddings I've attended has always gone this way: The couple drive the 3 hours to the temple in regular clothes with any friends/family who are temple endowed (the couple usually ride in separate vehicles). They change into their wedding attire at the temple and get married/sealed there. Then they drive the 3 hours to the stake center/ward building/reception hall in their wedding outfit (the couple now drives in the same car) and then they have the ring ceremony at the reception. So, it coud happen like this: When they get to the reception hall, the groom first enters, then the bride enters the hall with her father, then the father hands over the bride to the groom and they exchange rings and they dance and eat and party... Or: it could just be that the bride and groom enter the reception hall together then they exchange rings, the parents give their speeches, and they party... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maureen Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 If a ring ceremony and reception are being held at a Stake Centre, then the ring ceremony can be done in the Chapel. M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 Apparently it was only in recent decades that actually getting married in the temple became the norm for LDS couples (probably had something to do with the year-long wait). I have heard a few good arguments for waiting a year (even when both people are worthy) and including family is one of them. I think working for the family is an extremely noble and loving and righteous thing to do and no one should look down on anyone that chooses that. But you seem pretty darn set on getting married in the temple, which is also excellent. There's all sorts of options. Ring ceremonies... frankly, I think the reception in LDS culture is to make up for the "traditional" wedding that is lost. I was the first grandkid my grandma got to see married in the temple, and more than a few cousins did special things for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rex8499 Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 He can certainly give you away at a dinner, and you can say any touching things you'd like. The "ceremony" just cannot act as a second wedding of some sort. It's supposed to be clear that the wedding is to be done in the temple. I think that's essentially what it says in the handbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bumperpants Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 I don't know much about the technicalities and such (what must be done first, etc) but my advice is do whatever you can to make your parents happy as long as it doesn't interfere with your temple wedding. Make sure to thank them for the kindness and understanding because they are allowing their beloved daughter to do something they are uncertain about. Invite them to explore every aspect of the church and reassure them there there is no threat to either you or them. Give them the outside wedding ceremony that they want and more (cost permitting) to show them that they are important to you. Make sure you let your dad "give you away" and make him feel like none of this would have been possible without his approval (I might even have your fiance do a traditional "may I have permission to marry your daughter" speech as long as you know he will say yes). Why go through all this? You will quickly find that family is key to our happiness. I have been married about 8 years and we live only a couple of miles away from my in-laws and I love them to death! My father in-law considers the term "son-in-law" a cuss because he sees me as no less than his "son". Having them in my life has enriched it beyond words. You may also find that marriage can be much more difficult than it needs to be if there is contention between in-laws. It's worth whatever it takes to establish unity (assuming you don't do anything contrary to the gospel). If they are still opposed and rejecting of your new husband after you have done all that you can do then you know that you are not in the wrong. At that point I would simply advise you to have patience and they may come around. Whatever you do, do not retaliate against anything they do or say. Patience is important. I hope this helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDSVALLEY Posted April 20, 2011 Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 around here most members are converts. We have 3 children and my wife and I are the only members of our extended family. So if our three choose a temple wedding it will cause conflict, no way to avoid it unless they choose to not follow the desire to marry in the temple. Most members have a ring exchange ceremony where the non member families join in after the temple wedding. One caution with it, our current Bishop threatened to have a temple wedding canceled after a ring exchange ceremony because he claimed they said wedding vows at the ring exchange which he thought nullified the temple ceremony. He backed down in the end because members argued it was just stating a commitment to each other not vows. But I don't know if there is a line that can not be crossed. I don't see what the difference is personally if you don't have a minister in front you but the Bishop seemed to. I'd just check with your Bishop on what is allowed and not allowed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elphaba Posted April 20, 2011 Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 (edited) One caution with it, our current Bishop threatened to have a temple wedding canceled after a ring exchange ceremony because he claimed they said wedding vows at the ring exchange which he thought nullified the temple ceremony.Does a bishop actually have the authority to cancel a temple wedding/sealing? Or was he saying he'd just get the process started?I have a hard time believing the proper authority would cancel a temple wedding/sealing after the fact because of this.Elphaba Edited April 20, 2011 by Elphaba Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elphaba Posted April 20, 2011 Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 (edited) Anyway, getting to the point. My boyfriend (who is currently serving a mission in Alaska) and I have been together since I was 14. >snip< Let me know if you have any other suggestions. I want to get married in the temple FIRST and I will not settle for anything less.As an ex-member of the Church I completely understand where your parents are coming from in that they do not believe a temple wedding is necessary, and it is very painful to lose that dream of giving you the perfect wedding and being an integral part of it. However, I think it's possible that once the wedding/sealing is over and done with, they would come around, especially if they see your husband is devoted to you and that you are very happy in the marriage.And then, of course, once grandchildren enter the picture I can't imagine your parents wouldn't want to be in your lives every bit as much as any grandparents are. My point is, it's hard to look beyond the moment and believe things won't always be the way they are today, but in my many years I've discovered things that once seemed insurmountable often dissipate simply with the passage of time, including hurt feelings. I agree with Bumperpants that you should do any and everything possible to include your parents. It's that important. But, if you do decide to have a temple wedding only, with no other ceremony, it deoesn't mean it's the end of any meaningful relationship with your parents. Time will pass, and if your bond with them is strong today, it will be again. Parents love their children that much.Elphaba Edited April 20, 2011 by Elphaba Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
estradling75 Posted April 20, 2011 Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 Does a bishop actually have the authority to cancel a temple wedding/sealing? Or was he saying he'd just get the process started?I have a hard time believing the proper authority would cancel a temple wedding/sealing after the fact because of this.ElphabaThe Bishop does not have the authority to cancel it... He can only initiate the process. I have never heard of a Sealing actually being canceled for something like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted April 20, 2011 Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 around here most members are converts. We have 3 children and my wife and I are the only members of our extended family. So if our three choose a temple wedding it will cause conflict, no way to avoid it unless they choose to not follow the desire to marry in the temple.Most members have a ring exchange ceremony where the non member families join in after the temple wedding. One caution with it, our current Bishop threatened to have a temple wedding canceled after a ring exchange ceremony because he claimed they said wedding vows at the ring exchange which he thought nullified the temple ceremony.He backed down in the end because members argued it was just stating a commitment to each other not vows. But I don't know if there is a line that can not be crossed. I don't see what the difference is personally if you don't have a minister in front you but the Bishop seemed to.I'd just check with your Bishop on what is allowed and not allowed.Wow. A ring ceremony cancels out the temple sealing. That has to be the dumbest thing I've heard all day. All I know is the temples don't allow ring exchanges anywhere but the sealing room. Doesn't meant it can't be anywhere else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDSVALLEY Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 I should have pointed out he was a new Bishop, less then 2 months at that time so he might have been unsure of what was or was not allowed, in the end he backed down. I should also have mentioned that I got this from the member while trying to find out why they wanted to go inactive. So it is possible that it was simply a misunderstanding as well. My point was don't assume but check with your Bishop about what specifically is or is not allowed. If it seems unreasonable ask to see the specific section in the 1st Instruction Handbook as often a Bishop (or anyone else) can misinterpret or misremember a guideline. As for authority a Bishop could not have a temple ordinance canceled himself but he could start the process. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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