More eternal companions in the sea

[seanroberts]

I waited all my life to find the girl I dreamed about when I was almost 11 years old. I saw dreams of the future, and so far they have all come true. The dream I had of her was what inspired me to find God and religion in the first place. Dreams came true, and it was heaven when she looked in my eyes. It was an undescribable peace I felt, much like the peace one feels when they pray if the church is true, or take the sacrament. I had this belief that was affirmed in the church that she was my eternal companion. I joined the LDS church when I was almost 17, and continued searching for her. I gave up looking sometimes because dreams come true if I want them to or not, so I just figured one day I'd see her, and she'd look deep in my eyes, and I'd be reunited with my eternal love. Waiting all my life for some stranger, or someone to make me feel peace somehow wasn't a great way to score dates, so eventually I just started dating, but if the girl never reminded me of her, I never let a date progress at all, even if the girl wanted me to kiss her good night. 19 years go by looking for this girl, I'm grandfathered out of the singles ward. 2006 I move back home and my worst fear comes true. =I left home in 99 because I heard my kid cousin be nick-named "duck", the only name I had to call her in my dream in 87, and I moved back in 06 to work for my other cousin that started his own company. at 14 she asked for a guitar lesson, and while in her room she stuck her face in mine like she wanted to kiss me, and I felt that eternal heaven and peace like I did when I saw her in 06. I was dumbfounded I would ever feel like that ever again, since no one ever made me feel that loved. I didn't do anything with her, and I was in utter dis-belief that the girl I had been searching for all my life was not even born yet, and was my own 2nd kid cousin. I remained in denial and had nothing to do with her for fear feelings would grow. 08 my other kid cousin moves into that house, and turns out had raped her when she was a little girl, and became a drug dealer in Vegas, and admitted to me when he got back that he murdered someone. I'm worried of course, and go to the cops, FBI friend at church, anyone, but he's still free. I don't have to warn anyone in that house because he brags about how much drug money he made, and how he got away with murder. My 1st cousins in that house get addicted to hard drugs, not just weed, and I watch her life go down the toilet. She was the nicest smartest kid growing up, and her parents were completely irresponsible, and her grandparents let her parents be horrible parents. Then they let a drug dealing murderous pedophile move back in a molest and rape her more.

2010 comes, and the last dream in the series comes true. Most all my dream/visions of the future have come true, accept one. (I had a dream/memory) of flood destroying my home town. (that is how I know if a dream is a dream, or a memory of the future, that is how it feels, it feels real).

I never wanted it to be her. I didn't think to go to the bishop or pray about it if it was her, I just assumed it wasn't. Then I found out the parents of Jesus Christ were 1st cousins, and that cousin marriage has been the method of operation of royal families, in every nation in the history of the world. It must have been normal back with Adam and Eve, and their kids having kids with each other. The subject is not brought up much at church, but my other cousin that grew up Catholic was well aware that Joseph and Mary were cousins. I accepted that it was her, and for the 3rd time in my life felt the same peace I felt only twice before. I realized the eternal war between good and evil in my heart was over, and in every way I loved this girl. Her life is still in the toilet, her cousin was kicked out when I made a fuss to everyone in that house, but has moved back in. She is engaged to someone, but she hasn't been that true to him, however rape, and reliving rape with the rapist that has been abusing her all her life doesn't count.

I burned my bridges with them, and for the last year, I have no vision for myself. the only dream that has yet to come true, but I'm sure will, is the destruction of my city. I fasted and prayed about this girl of my dreams, for years with no answer. In retrospect I could have been more devout. I don't feel anything when I look at someone else. When I'm at church I can feel again, but I'm going to a family ward now, and there is no one my age to talk to that is single. I was uber faithful at times past, but I felt my story change, but I didn't want it to change so much that I wouldn't see her. I feel like hammered crap as my boss would say. My hopes and dreams of my whole life end abruptly. My bubble burst in 06, and I waited for the last dream to come true what would be 4 years later, in 2010 just in case I was mistaken, though i knew I wasn't. My whole life style has changed, and is upside down. The pre-foundation of my faith has been shaken, when it was the center of my strength and greatest hope in this life and the next. I had a bought with alcohol, and tried weed once, and sleeping around with women, in a desperate attempt to find someone else, and feel that way for someone else. I almost became an alcoholic like my parents, but didn't, and have no preference for drugs, and luckily no stds, or kids that i know of. I have to find someone else. I've fallen in love with church girls before, and when they got married in the temple, the spell was broken, and I no longer dreamed of them. Temple Marriage works. Now I feel like that is the only way I can safely sever the connection I feel with her. (had dreams about her having sex with her rapist, and then she'd say something about rape or sex on her facebook, -or feel her have sex with someone other than her bf, then they break up because she cheated on him, amazing coincidence, or actual eternal connection that was established before either of us was born).

I've gone to my Bishop with all of this.

[Guest]

This is the thing, though...

Faith/Church/Testimonies should not be centered on anything like a dream girl or your wife, or your kids, or whatever. Faith/Church/Testimonies should be centered on JESUS CHRIST.

So that - everything around you or inside you can go upside-down, inside-out, it doesn't change the FACT that JESUS is the CHRIST and He wants you on His side. Then you stand, everyday, on solid, unshakeable ground. Because your life does not depend on the state of some girl you dreamed about when you were a kid.

[seanroberts]

Good point.

They are closely tied together however. We are commanded to love God with all our heart might mind and strength, and the same exact verbiage is used to describe how we are supposed to love our eternal companion. I know there is another verse in the scriptures that sayeth: "he who loves his wife more than me is not worthy of me", insert anyone or anything else there too. The verse mentioned pretty much anyone.

Generally for the Love of God I have not murdered my cousin for raping the girl of my dreams, and being a cancer on society, and now I'm trying to replace all those feelings I had for her with only God, and that is hard because I searched for her all my life.

[seanroberts]

Also, because I believe in Jesus Christ, I was content that I would never see her in this life, or feel like that again, and I was ready to live all of my life alone, and die a virgin instead of just being with someone. The key to my heart was her. Gates open now, the search is over. I just got to find someone else.

[seanroberts]

I'm on here for advice, but also if someone else has had their heart broken into a million pieces because of loss of an eternal companion.

It's a hard rocky road back to recovery, and getting back on the straight and narrow. I'm all broken up inside, and now supposed to find someone else when I can't even sleep at night anymore. I need something real to get over the pain. I feel some peace of mind at church. I dozed off on the couch for only a couple minutes, but slept better than I did a whole week at home, and left church rested for once. But I miss church too much. I haven't even seen conference in a while. I missed this last one, and actually a year or two worth. Like my friend that introduced me to the church, he was always offended that people always said they were devout and stuff, but then wouldn't make any effort to watch conference, or dress up, and go out and listen to the prophet in a worshipful way.

[seanroberts]

I got a scripture trivia app for my phone, and even that reminded me of her and the last 24 years. "when a dream comes true, it is a joy". Dreams of the future would come true, and it always made me happy, whatever it was, because I was a little bit closer to seeing her again. For years I'd get close to girls and if they didn't remind me of her I'd throw it away, and conversely she gave me several chances with her to get something going on between us, and right at the moment where I could have advanced things further toward actual being close together, I was the one to step on the breaks. She's pissed at me for doing that too many times, and for making a fuss about her rapist living with her.

I have zero "game" when it comes to meeting girls, or picking them up, or pair bonding, or anything relationship wise. I've never gone past the 3rd date, and the longest I was with a girl was back in HS and she actually wasn't there the whole time, and moved.

*Basically I need advice on meeting women, relationship advice. My friends from church got this DVD on how to pick up women, but I don't want to just "score", or date a "hot chick", or whatever. i wish there was something church related on confidence etc.

[seanroberts]

I kept things simple. I actually maintained that simple belief in love all my life. That is the relationship structure I wanted. I felt loved by this girl, though I didn't do anything. It was unconditional.

[NeuroTypical]

I've gone to my Bishop with all of this.

And what did your bishop say?

[seanroberts]

My bishop gave me peace of mind that I actually can date and marry my 2nd cousin. Turns out it is legal in all 50 states, but 1st cousin marriage is only legal in a dozen or so, and if you wanted to you would have to have "genetic counseling" whatever that means. My cousin is 19 now, so it's too late to do anything about the rape she suffered as a small girl at the hands of my other 2nd cousin. The police wont do anything now since she is an adult.

In general my bishop wants me to get more so on track with all standards of the church before he will officially bless me one way or another. I asked for a blessing, but I guess my heart was not in the right place he felt, and he just wanted me to continue going to church and reading the scriptures, and abstaining from sin.

That doesn't matter anymore. She won't give me the time of day, she's engaged to a great guy, and she tolerates living with her life long rapist, and wont get help. I want to get my life together and look for someone else, but it's hard to do when I still feel her take a shower, sleep, get stoned, or have sex. 8 times I called over there on 8 different occasions and she was in the shower when I called.

I can numb my reception of spiritual things by getting drunk but that is temporary and hangovers suck. I get my life back on track and even more spiritual, and in tune, and I can feel her better then I want to.

[seanroberts]

It's possible for blessing to be turned against you. example: If Adam took the fruit of eternal life after the fruit of knowledge of good and evil the plan of salvation would have been void.

This girl of my dreams and I could have had something together. I had years to prepare to meet her, and I thought I was ready for anything. I looked high and low. I went to clubs, bars, church, everywhere. My mind was open to any possibility. A dated strippers, church girls, women from work, and school, I kept an eye out for her everywhere I went, even when I went to Europe, NY, DC, everywhere. I even dated a girl that said she was into witch craft and used to go to the satanic church. (goth boom of late 90s).

Did not see that coming that it might be a blood relative. I grew up back east so I didn't have much of a concept of cousins like that.

It's possible for things to go sideways, and not work out, and the former promises we made to each other and God before we were born are still in effect but are now not bringing us close together. I still have this connection, and she is un-initiated to any religion, and completely unaware what she is doing to me.

[slamjet]

Wow, and I accuse myself of over-analyzing stuff. I've not read the whole thing in detail, but in scanning through it, and that last sentence with the words "what she is doing to me" really, you need to cool off just a little. What you are doing is working yourself up to a frenzy where your mind is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Take a deep breath, say a few prayers, look at where you're at and what you want, where she's at and what she wants, think about any ramifications and stay within the realm of common sense. The doctrine's concerning Adam and Eve have nothing to do with this, nor much of anything else. So please, keep it real.

[seanroberts]

fair enough.

My whole life style I was saying changed. I went from waiting for this girl of my dreams to show up, put my life on hold for that, and it's not what I thought it was going to be. My whole life before last March seems like some one else. I can't even sleep at night anymore. I can go un-conscious out of exhaustion on the couch, with the TV on but that is about it. i don't blame her for anything. i helped her go to the fair with her boy friend, and again with her friends, and her next bf too. Didn't do anything but try to help her, and she got a little spoiled and took me for granted.

I like that quote by a GA that said: "don't look for the person of your dreams, but strive to be the person of someone's dreams", or something. It was stuff like that, that re-arranged my whole outlook on looking for the girl of my dreams. I didn't fully go down that road of self improvement, and internal confidence building, and make myself more attractive to the opposite sex, as much as I kept looking for this girl that would love me for me.

[sensibility]

Please take this in the gentle, non-judgemental tone that I mean it.

I don't think your fixation on this girl is healthy, nor is it backed up by doctrine -- somebody becomes your eternal companion only after you marry them, not before. The prophets have been clear that we don't all come to earth with an 'assigned' spouse.

I would recommend that you do seek professional psychological care to help you untangle this fixation. I think that will bring you much of the peace and freedom you are so desperately craving. Best of luck.

[seanroberts]

and it's not over yet either.

I still feel her occasionally. What should have been a blessing and a bond, has become at times intrusive, and tragic. I'm no where close to getting married and sealed in the temple with anyone, and no where near getting this bond severed safely. It is an acute problem that I don't think is too common. It's really hard getting on the path while being un-even yoked with someone not even trying to be spiritual, but inherently is. It's stumble, after stumble, after false starts, and fits. I still WISH we could work things out, and she could get her life together if nothing else. I wish we could have what Joseph and Mary have.

2 Tim 1:8 calls us not to be ashamed of the Testimony of God.

We will be called to testify in all things. Some things are going to be easier to testify about than others. The fact that Joseph and Mary were cousins is not something trumpeted about at Conference. Nor are other things in the bible people would rather not talk about. The whole family tree goes right back to one guy made of clay according to the bible. It's all a huge mystery, and there is much yet to be revealed. Modern prophecy we'd like a nice tidy explanation or sanitary story, but the truth may be something that will make some people ashamed, and some will not. It's a real test of faith going on here.

[seanroberts]

>Sensibility... The Doctrine of fore-ordination

We are appointed things in this life. I don't know how it works. I don't know how there seems to be this connection there, that can not be explained by newtonian physics, and seems to be purely spiritual in nature, if not super natural. Dreams of the future were little easter eggs to me. Messages and hints from God. Only superficial hints. I realize I could have done a lot more with what I was given had I thought about it more, and dedicated myself more. Like when a disaster strikes we find out how woefully un-prepared we all are. I realize how invaluable a "time stamp" would be. That is the brass ring, and un-obtainable thing. I'd have to be SUPER MORMON MAN or Joseph Smith or something to be so blessed to actually know when a dream will happen specifically like some prophets in the Bible have been blessed with specifics.

I had a dream I went to see her in this life shortly after my initial dream. A cloud carried me away and I saw her again, and I could sleep on my bed again after weeks of sleeping on the couch. I wasn't able to remember much, other than it was ok to sleep on my bed again. From the minute I woke up after I saw her, I tried to go back to sleep to see her again. I looked for her since, and my bed seemed so empty to me. After our little visit, I was all better.

I appreciate your sensitivity, sensibility, but this hope I had was tied into every facet of my testimony. For years the search for this girl was always more so in the back of my mind. It was always the little VETO that shot down all the opportunities I had with other girls. I didn't find anyone that specifically looked like her, so I reduced the standards to people that just made me feel "good" (closest thing to heaven). that was not a long list of people. Besides I told you. There is no one I'm looking for now. I'm not fixated on her. I feel her and think about her if I want to or not now, because of our connection.

Edited April 21, 2011 by seanroberts

[JudoMinja]

I mean this in the nicest way, but really... you sound like a creepy stalker.

Try to think about it from her perspective. Honestly, if I was in her shoes and someone was thinking about ME the way you are thinking about her, I would avoid that person at all costs. Its scary, its terrifying, its unhealthy. I'd get a restraining order.

On your side? You need professional help.

[seanroberts]

Is that all?

Well, you haven't read the whole thing then.

She wanted me at one point. That was wrong, and I knew she was too young. She liked me for years too, and I was the one to kick it to the curb. I regret it now since the last dream came true, and it was in fact her I saw in my dream in 87.

Please think and read the whole thing before you post, and pass judgement. thank you

[estradling75]

Seanroberts,

I have read your posts and seen your 'enthusiasm' in posting. If it was my daughter you were focused on I would have a shotgun and a restraining order ready to put in your face every time you tried to contact her. Why? Because you are unbalanced, obsessive, fixated, on a singular event to the point that you can't have a healthy relationship. It seem that you think if you can be with her then she would 'fix' all your problems. This is simply not true.

You make claim to personal revelation and that is fine, but it is just that, personal. No one is obliged to accept or otherwise change according to your personal beliefs. And you appear to be using that belief as a proxy for the relationship you should have with Christ, this will not work. Step back from the obsession to have this girl 'now.' Fix your life, get right with Christ, then and only then will any blessing the Lord has promised you come your way.

[seanroberts]

U ppl realize the point of this thread is dealing with the loss of an eternal companion or at least the loss of a lifetime of hopes and personal beliefs. Dreams of the future were pretty blah accept for seeing this girl 4 times. The one dream of the flood would be useful if i knew exactly when it would happen and what i should do to prepare for it. Also why i have that dream wud be good info. And dude, if u were here father litterally you would be my 1st cousin and you would be a pothead a janitor and alledgedly a drug smugler. U guus really need to think before u just react. The whole point of why im here is to get over it. I open up and be honest about the whole thing and am getting judged unfairly and harshly. I cud have just had a thread about dashed hopes or losing the dream bu

t im being honest n opening up.

[seanroberts]

I wish u were her dad and had a shotgun. Hef dad is a neglectful piece if crap that lets his nephew rape his daughters

[NeuroTypical]

Hey there - please note - you opened this thread in the advice forum. That means people will tell you their advice. It's pretty much a waste of time to get offended or upset at getting what you asked for.

Yes, I can see you're hurting. I can see you believe you've lost the love of your life, and have incredibly strong feelings for the tragic situation this girl is in. I can see you believe you have some unique ethereal connection to her, allowing you to know when she's in the shower and whatnot - but I don't buy it for a minute.

It seems that you want less in the way of advice, and more in the way of getting people to buy the reality of your story. I'm afraid you'll find few people doing that here. Here is a quote from President Kimball that illustrates a lot of what the responding posters in this thread are probably feeling:

"Soul mates" are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.

I hope you are able to find a way to get over her like you want. Edited April 21, 2011 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[seanroberts]

I have only my own thoughts about my deepest beliefs and now i doubt my entire life. Hoping to find this girl kept me pushing through this life and survive through a chronic medical condition caused be abuse i suffered from my mom. Advice would be nice but people are not being thoughtful or seem to actually see the whole picture as much as they want to reactt and pass judgement. She is not thee only girl i ever fell in love with but she was perhaps the first and longest i had hope for.

[JudoMinja]

Is that all?

Well, you haven't read the whole thing then.

She wanted me at one point. That was wrong, and I knew she was too young. She liked me for years too, and I was the one to kick it to the curb. I regret it now since the last dream came true, and it was in fact her I saw in my dream in 87.

Please think and read the whole thing before you post, and pass judgement. thank you

I have read everything, and I am not "passing judgement". I am giving you the best honest sound advice I can offer from my understanding of your situation. As far as I can tell, this is something that you will only be able to remedy with professional help.

[rameumptom]

Because of agency, our dreams can only predict the future sometimes. It may be that this cousin was ONE person that would have been a good wife under special circumstances. However, agency on everyone's part can change that.

Years ago as a ward clerk in a single's ward, my bishop told me that 4 faithful young sisters in the ward had spoken with him about a dream each had had. They all dreamed they were to marry the same man. The bishop explained to these sisters that sometimes we misinterpret dreams. Rather than being THE man of their dreams, this was A righteous man they would be happy being married to.

So, focus on two things: First, focus on redeveloping your spirituality. Second, instead of relying solely on dreams, seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit, which can often be more accurate than a dream by itself.

Still, even with this, agency can change history. The woman of your dreams today, may change into something even better, or something entirely different.

[slamjet]

It sure sounds like your love is predicated on the notion of rescuing and healing her. You really need to look at your motives and how you are going about this. It really is sounding scary.