Frustrated but faithful...

[momof4kids]

Here's the situation. I've never turned down a calling, I always work my tail off in my callings, and I have loved my current calling, Primary Chorister, very much. I work hard and I love the kids. I smile at them and compliment them and encourage them while teaching them the songs. I am used to people letting me do my callings without a lot of interference from leadership-- I do my job, they trust me, it's all good. It's never been perfect, and there are always little conflicts and problems, whatever the job, but I always do the job.

Plus, I am good at this calling and have had a lot of people tell me how much their kids love it and how glad they are I'm doing it. (I dont' mean to sound prideful, that's just the backstory since none of you know me... I don't think :) ) I have also never had any problems taking direction from those in authority over me-- Bishop, Stake Pres, Auxiliary Presidents, etc. I'm very independent, but I respect the chain of stewardship.

However, for the first time in my entire life I am beginning to understand why people leave the church. I am not easily offended, and have let many, many things roll off my back. My faith in my Lord keeps me "in" the church, not the actions/inactions of others.

I had a meeting the other night with my Primary presidency. Upon walking in and sitting down, the president turned to me and said, "We want to know what we can do to help you." I wasn't sure what they were talking about. I thought things were going along fine, so I said "help me with what?" They talked about reverence issues with our large primary, especially in Jr. Primary, and about teachers not encouraging the kids to be quiet, to sing, etc. I hadn't complained about any of this, it's normal stuff in Primary.

Then the president told me a few other things. First, she said I shouldn't let on to the kids when I'm getting frustrated, because then they get frustrated. I haven't ever actually felt frustrated with them and I try very hard to always be positive with the kids. Plus, from the feedback I've gotten the kids love singing time-- the littlest ones especially. I realized later that I may have shown HER frustration on Sunday when she told me I needed to have the kids practice our January song because they've forgotten it already (not entirely true, and I had a HUGE activity planned to finish learning Praise to the Man, so I was annoyed at being micro-managed.)

Then she told me that there is a small group of kids who don't like singing time and don't want to come to primary anymore because of it. She wouldn't tell me who, she didn't indicate WHY or what I had done to offend/bore/bother these kids. She wouldn't even tell me the age group-- is this just the normal 10-11 year old "sick of primary" thing or did I actually DO something wrong? I don't know. I was kind of flabbergasted, because I felt like she was telling me I was responsible for making these kids hate primary. It was very, very strange. I asked her who it was, and she said, "I'm not going to tell you that." I said, "Then you shouldn't have said anything, because now I'll really worry about it." I was ticked.

They also went into how I should be doing more "fun" stuff, more "wiggle" songs, etc. Okay, I can do that, but they also want me to teach all the kids all the verses to all the songs for the year PLUS about 5 extra songs. It felt like they were just venting criticism of how I do the job, not like, "we have prayed about this and feel like the kids need..." information.

I did get the "oh, you're doing a good job, we appreciate you" thing at the end of the meeting from her new 2nd counselor, but it was forced. All in all I went home feeling confused, criticized and very frustrated. I barely got out the door before I started crying!

The bottom line here is that today I sat down to plan for this Sunday and I started crying again about all of this ridiculous drama. I couldn't begin planning because I don't know what to do anymore. I went from feeling confident and capable to feeling frustrated, alone, and unable to do the job "right". I don't have the energy for this. I'm tempted to ask to be released, but I don't know if that's the best solution.

I live in a pretty gossipy, judgmental ward, and now I'm worried that there are parents discussing how I hurt their child's feelings or did something "wrong" or whatever. I'm concerned that if I try to talk about it to the President, it will make it worse instead of better...

Any advice? Am I being unreasonable? I'm probably overreacting, but this was such a surprise I couldn't think straight.

[Backroads]

I think it's possible they might have some good points, but I can definitely empathize with you. Especially when they are not giving you details. I think their goals for what can be done with the kiddies are commendable, but it sounds here like they are throwing all the responsibility on you.

I like knowing who said what so I can get to the root of the problem, so it bothers me you don't get to know who said what.

I would get back with them, pick a a couple of things to focus on (couldn't hurt), and try to roll this off as well.

Though I always hate the insincere "we appreciate you".

[Vort]

As the husband of the former Primary president, I have a few thoughts:

• When they say the appreciate you, they almost certainly mean it. Whatever their criticisms, they desperately need their teachers and Sharing Time personnel, and no one knows that better than they do.

• When they say you're doing a good job, there is a good chance they are being sincere. Many people (for example, the large majority of my work leads over the years) simply don't offer much, or any, positive feedback. To them, it makes sense to talk about the problems. If something isn't mentioned, that means you're doing it well. I personally hate this style of management, but many organizations (perhaps including your ward) sort of default to it naturally. An hour-long gripe session about a few points of conflict really does not necessarily mean they are dissatisfied with your work.

• Is it possible you are misinterpreting helpful suggestions or ideas as criticism? It's one thing to say, "We don't like how you're doing your job," but quite another to say, "We like how you're doing your job, but we thought you might incorporate these following ideas into your work."

• Your Primary president may simply not be good at offering supportive feedback. This is her problem, not yours. If this is the case, your job is to sustain her in her calling, which in this case means growing a thick skin and not taking offense at her ham-fisted attempts to talk with her personnel.

• Without adding to any sort of gossip going on in the ward, it might be worthwhile to solicit feedback from other Primary teachers and workers to get their viewpoint of your performance. Perhaps there are some things going on that you're unaware of, either with your presentation or with things outside your control, that are influencing factors in this whole thing.

Bottom line: Don't get offended, however hard it might be. Don't take her criticism personally. However good you are, you are not perfect. Take this as an opportunity to further hone your skills. Love your Primary president and do your best to make her successful in what is the largest ward organization and probably the third-most-difficult ward calling (after bishop and RS president).

[JudoMinja]

Any suggestions they give you to do your "job" are just that- suggestions. And if those suggestions are only generalized, not specific, then it's up to you to determine how to incorporate them. There will always be a minority that is unsatisfied with the way things are going. It is impossible to please everyone. As long as you are doing your best, the kids know the songs they need to know for their programs, and the majority of the Primary kids like singing time, I'd say you are doing a good job.

Just keep doing your best and try to look at anything the Presidency tells you as nothing more than constructive criticism. They probably got a few complaints and want to know if it is possible for you to improve your efforts and if they can do anything to help. Those few complaints don't mean you are doing a bad job. Like I said, it is impossible to please everyone. It does, however, give you an opportunity to do even better than the good job you are already doing.

More wiggle songs? Okay. See if it is possible for you to work it in.

Learn more songs? Okay. See if it is possilbe for you to work it in.

And so on and so forth with any other suggestions you receive.

Ultimately, it is up to your discretion (and the Lord's) how to run singing time. It is YOUR calling. The leaders were inspired to call you to that position for a reason. Pray over any suggested changes in the way you are currently doing things, and rely on your own personal revelation from the spirit.

[Still_Small_Voice]

I would not take it too personally. I remember being around 10 to 11 years old and hating primary. The songs seemed childish and I thought singing time was ridiculous and just boring. I was a selfish jerk at the age and I should have been looking to contribute rather than criticize.

Pre-teenagers and teenagers can definitely be this way at this age. The LORD knows the service you are doing for Him. Just know you are not working for them, the work is for the LORD.

[Backroads]

I would not take it too personally. I remember being around 10 to 11 years old and hating primary.

Bingo. I think you are going to be hard-pressed to entertain/educate every single kid in the group. I don't know if the presidency expects you to, but I doubt it will happen. Take some tips, but don't beat yourself up.

[ruthiechan]

They should tell you the age range of the students who are bored. It'll change what you plan on doing about it.

One idea for feedback is asking the kids for ideas on how to make singing time more fun. Perhaps allow more free choice (I hated singing the same songs over and over again, or the happy fluffy bunny songs, then again, I was depressed).

One thing that primary kids seem to like is having a ball yard in a container that you have to spool out. A kid pulls out the yarn, slowly and the kids have to sing slow, if fast, then fast, if they stop then they have to stop. Silly activities like that. You can do the same kind of thing with red light, green light card.

I really don't know what you personally do. I understand your feelings. Pray for inspiration. *hugs*

[sweetiepie]

I can only say I feel for you for just being the Primary Chorister. I am talented at a lot of things, but that calling was the hardest calling I have ever had and thankfully they took me out after a few months! It is very hard to get them to learn the songs while having fun, not being repetitive, boring; all while keeping them calm and collected. I felt like an idiot too. :) Not my thing. I think you are amazing for faithfully doing your best at that calling.

Say poo-poo on their way of "helping" you and know that you are doing your best at a difficult calling while being a busy mother and wife. :)