Getting past guilt

[Jennarator]

Okay. I am having a hard time getting past the horrible things I have inflicted on my children.

I Prayed hard about the person I was to marry and he ended up being a jerk, to say the least. I had two children with him and they will suffer for the rest of their lives, because I chose to marry this guy. Yes, Iam divorced and remarried to a great guy, but my children are still left with his emotional issues and all. (he has some serious mental and emtional issues that are very hereditory and at lest my son has some of them.)

How do I get past the guilt of bringing two innocent children into the world with issues built right into them? Or better yet, why did I get a "yes, you can marry this guy" answer when I decided to marry him? We did marry in the temple and everything. I know that is no garentee, but it gave us a better shot.

I know this kind of question has been asked before, and I have asked others. But I really can't get past how I feel that somehow I have really brought more trials into the lives of my children than I should have had I not married this jerk. I worry that they hardly have a chance at "normal" lives. I know I can't go into the past and change things, but I am having a hard time moving past the guilt.

Ugh.....and this is only one of the many things I feel horrible and worried about.

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

I'd say don't feel guilty. You did what you thought was best at the time, and it sounds like Heavenly Father supported and confirmed that decision. Even though it turned out to be bad, there's a reason for everything. Those trials will make them stronger; that's why we have them. Maybe that's why He wanted you to go through with it. I don't know though. Whatever the reason is, there's a reason, so I don't think you should feel guilty about following through with something you prayed hard about. Hope you feel better.

[Vort]

If your ex-husband suffered from some of the same emotional and mental issues that now challenge your children, it is possible that, at least in part, he's not so much a "jerk" as he is a victim of his own genome. This is true for all of us. Your children now have the opportunity to learn to overcome the weaknesses of the flesh that, perhaps, their father didn't succeed so well at.

Your children are as much his as they are yours. Had you married someone else at first, you would not have had those children. Accept them as they are, help them to be better, and never let them think that they are deficient on their father's side.

Let me repeat that for emphasis: Never let them think that they are deficient on their father's side.

I speak from indirect but painful experience. I have a relative that divorced her first husband after producing two children. She and her mother told the children at various times that they "didn't inherit anything from him" and that their DNA was "pure" or some such thing. But of course, this was nonsense; they looked very much like their father. And when one of them began acting like his father, my relative was distraught. But as they say, the acorn doesn't fall far from the oak.

Much better to say, "This is your father. Here are some issues he had to deal with and maybe didn't do as well as he might have." By the same token, it would be useful to say, "I am your mother. Here are some issues I've had to deal with,and I hope you can do better than me."

PLEASE NOTE: I'm not talking about confessing sins to your children, which is always a bad thing. NEVER CONFESS YOUR SINS TO YOUR CHILDREN. I am talking about discussing personality traits and areas of weakness that might apply to them.

As for why you received a "Yes, you can marry this guy" answer: That one is easy. Whom you marry is your choice, not God's. You made a decision, and that choice was acceptable to God. The divine approval for your choice didn't mean you wouldn't have any issues in your marriage. It did not negate your ex-husband's agency to exercise his own choice. It was not a sign that all would be ever well. It was permission from your Father to go ahead with your desire.

[Jennarator]

If your ex-husband suffered from some of the same emotional and mental issues that now challenge your children, it is possible that, at least in part, he's not so much a "jerk" as he is a victim of his own genome. This is true for all of us. Your children now have the opportunity to learn to overcome the weaknesses of the flesh that, perhaps, their father didn't succeed so well at.

Your children are as much his as they are yours. Had you married someone else at first, you would not have had those children. Accept them as they are, help them to be better, and never let them think that they are deficient on their father's side.

Let me repeat that for emphasis: Never let them think that they are deficient on their father's side.

I speak from indirect but painful experience. I have a relative that divorced her first husband after producing two children. She and her mother told the children at various times that they "didn't inherit anything from him" and that their DNA was "pure" or some such thing. But of course, this was nonsense; they looked very much like their father. And when one of them began acting like his father, my relative was distraught. But as they say, the acorn doesn't fall far from the oak.

Much better to say, "This is your father. Here are some issues he had to deal with and maybe didn't do as well as he might have." By the same token, it would be useful to say, "I am your mother. Here are some issues I've had to deal with,and I hope you can do better than me."

PLEASE NOTE: I'm not talking about confessing sins to your children, which is always a bad thing. NEVER CONFESS YOUR SINS TO YOUR CHILDREN. I am talking about discussing personality traits and areas of weakness that might apply to them.

As for why you received a "Yes, you can marry this guy" answer: That one is easy. Whom you marry is your choice, not God's. You made a decision, and that choice was acceptable to God. The divine approval for your choice didn't mean you wouldn't have any issues in your marriage. It did not negate your ex-husband's agency to exercise his own choice. It was not a sign that all would be ever well. It was permission from your Father to go ahead with your desire.

That makes sense.

I do stay positive when I talk about my ex to the kids. I always remind them that he loves them and that thier step dad is not there to take the place of thier dad.

I guess I just need to move away from the past and try to move on. I just have a hard when I see them having some of the same issuses he does. I hope they deal with it better.

I know my ex has issues, but i think he didn't and oesn't deal with them well. I feel that he had choices as well and that he, as any of us can withstand the tempations and challenges we are faced with, he didn't even try. I guess I worry that my kids won't try either. One of them already told me he can't control certian things so he didn't know why he should try. I try to explain that I have to work really hard to overcome things as well and that's part of why we are here on earth, but I feel like he's given up like his dad.

[Dravin]

How do I get past the guilt of bringing two innocent children into the world with issues built right into them?

I have ADHD (not the most extreme example but it illustrates the point), I could only imagine what that would have done to me to have my mom regret/feel guilt for bringing me into physical existence because I'm too flawed for her. To feel guilty I'm me and not someone else. Kind of a horrible feeling to contemplate.

Edit: Note I don't think you sit your kids down and share such with them, but kids are perceptive, more so than we give them credit for.

Edited June 13, 2011 by Dravin

[rameumptom]

Also, it is the opposition we face that helps to exalt us. Without struggles, we would not learn humility, patience, and godliness. So, help your kids understand that the trials they face are not forever, but only for this life, so we can learn the important lessons God wants us to understand.

[applepansy]

Okay. I am having a hard time getting past the horrible things I have inflicted on my children.

I Prayed hard about the person I was to marry and he ended up being a jerk, to say the least. I had two children with him and they will suffer for the rest of their lives, because I chose to marry this guy. Yes, Iam divorced and remarried to a great guy, but my children are still left with his emotional issues and all. (he has some serious mental and emtional issues that are very hereditory and at lest my son has some of them.)

How do I get past the guilt of bringing two innocent children into the world with issues built right into them? Or better yet, why did I get a "yes, you can marry this guy" answer when I decided to marry him? We did marry in the temple and everything. I know that is no garentee, but it gave us a better shot.

I know this kind of question has been asked before, and I have asked others. But I really can't get past how I feel that somehow I have really brought more trials into the lives of my children than I should have had I not married this jerk. I worry that they hardly have a chance at "normal" lives. I know I can't go into the past and change things, but I am having a hard time moving past the guilt.

Ugh.....and this is only one of the many things I feel horrible and worried about.

When it comes to answers to prayer about whom to marry, I don't believe Heavenly Father gives us yes and no answers. What he does give us is "go ahead, maybe this will work out" and he will give us "hmmmm, you might make this work but I'd suggest otherwise".

We have our AGENCY! Heavenly Father is not going to step in and change that in any way. You prayed, you might fasted, it felt right, you married the guy. Test time! Not just a test for you but a test for him too and maybe his answer was "Maybe you shouldn't screw this up."

It didn't work out. He was a jerk with some emotional issues which are now passed down to your son.

so.... Question: Can you honestly say to yourself that you did anything to cause pain and hardship for your children? Marrying their father doesn't count.

When you've answered that question then ask yourself. Did I do all I could to protect my children? From what you've posted here and in the past, I'd say yes.

So why the guilt? You cannot change genetics. You do not get to glimpse the future before marrying their father. You cannot not take responsibility for another person's actions. What you can do is mitigate the damages. Get your son whatever help he needs to deal with whatever issues he's starting to develop....now is best. Both children might need counseling.

I saw a documentary several years ago. It was about children of divorce and most of it was in their own words. Nobody thought to ask them how they felt. Most felt guilt. You are not the right person. You are their mother. Find someone who is experienced in dealing with the issues children of divorce face and get them them help.

Then...stop with the guilt. It is not your fault and you're doing all you can to fix it.

[classylady]

Jennarator, from my perspective of being a woman, I think most women feel guilt for what we inflict on our children--meaning we are not perfect parents. Most of my children are grown, my youngest is 17. I can see where I failed them in some areas, and yes, I feel guilt. But, also because I'm older, I can also see, that even though I wasn't the perfect parent, I loved my children, and still do, and that to me is absolutely the most important thing you can instill in your children--that they are loved. And I think for most kids, just knowing they are loved makes up for many of the failures of their parents.

I also have the perspective of being a step-mother. My two oldest are now adults--in their 30's, and they have overcome their parents divorce. Not to say, it hasn't had a lasting impact on them, for it has, but they are productive, loving, caring adults. My oldest daughter has never married. I don't know if she ever will. She is beautiful, but her parents divorce has impacted her emotionally. She's afraid of marriage and commitment. She doesn't even put herself in a position to meet eligible men. She has, in fact, left the country to live in Asia, where she has even fewer chances to meet any eligible men. Her mother has suffered depression throughout her life and I think my step-daughter suffers this too. She refuses to get help for it. All we can do is love her, and accept her. My step-son has had other problems because of his parents divorce. He is married, and he and his wife are now expecting their fifth child. For him, he has had a hard time with emotional attachments to family--friends have always been extremely important to him. Since he has married, he seems to have realized the importance of family. But, I can still see some emotional detachment, which worries me.

I realize there is only so much I can do. I did what I thought was best at the time as my children were growing up. I can see where I failed miserably in some areas. Other areas I have excelled. But, as adults, we/they can overcome upbringing, genetic issues (to some extent) and live productive lives. And, I'm always comforted by knowing that the Lord knows what we were born into, what issues we've had to deal with in our lives, and he knows the intent of our hearts. He is merciful. And He will be merciful with us and our children.

[Jennarator]

Thanks for the help, I think I just need to remember everything you all have said. I am trying my best to take care of my children.

I supose I have to get over my own issuses of not feeling good enough.

I am working on getting help for my son, tho the social worker or PSR worker is slow on getting started. I am hoping they can establish a good relationship before school starts, as my children will be starting in a new school. We bought a house, tho, so hopefully they will be at that school for a while. I just want them to feel stable and safe while they go thru all the trials of life.

[applepansy]

Thanks for the help, I think I just need to remember everything you all have said. I am trying my best to take care of my children.

I supose I have to get over my own issuses of not feeling good enough.

I am working on getting help for my son, tho the social worker or PSR worker is slow on getting started. I am hoping they can establish a good relationship before school starts, as my children will be starting in a new school. We bought a house, tho, so hopefully they will be at that school for a while. I just want them to feel stable and safe while they go thru all the trials of life.

Jenn, We all want to do our best to help our children. That you are thinking about it so strongly shows that you are trying to do your best. That doesn't mean we're not human. We make mistakes. But sometimes the mistakes we make as parents are the trials our children need. Only Heavenly Father needs.

Our job: Let the Atonement work! Repent. Try again. Love our children. I don't know how parents raise children without the knowledge of Christ and the Atonement.

Your children will feel stable wherever they are if there mother feels stable. Even if you don't feel stable act the part and it will reassure your children. As classylady said "love them."

[prophetofdoom]

This life isn't supposed to be a cake walk with a "happily ever after." We chose to come down here to be refined, learn, and be tested. The Lord could have said, "Yes" to marrying this person because the Lord has the eternal perspective of all things. Maybe your children were meant to be born to you and your ex-husband. Your children have been given weaknesses like ALL OF US. There is no blame needed.