Hurting And Need To Know What To Do...

[martie]

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college.

I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days.

He is totally obsessed.

After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more.

On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty".

I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset.

We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us?

Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me.

I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer.

Martie

[miztrniceguy]

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college.

I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days.

He is totally obsessed.

After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more.

On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty".

I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset.

We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us?

Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me.

I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer.

Martie

talk to your bishop as soon as you can

[martie]

Thank you for answering.

Ultimately, what can the bishop do? I do not want my husband to be hurt. His feelings matter so much to me. I am a convert and do not know how everything works...

[miztrniceguy]

Thank you for answering.

Ultimately, what can the bishop do? I do not want my husband to be hurt. His feelings matter so much to me. I am a convert and do not know how everything works...

he can give you better advise than i can

[StrawberryFields]

There are treatment programs for this kind of problems within the church.

[Guest Monica]

Are his needs being met? Are you giving him what he likes in the catalogs?

[martie]

Very much so. I starve myself and work out every second I can, just to be tiny. I do everything to be like what he gawks at. I am 5'4" and am sitting at 115 pounds... and this after 8 children, 9 pregnancies. I dress the way he likes, and he says I look fabulous. We have a very active physical relationship. But it's not enough. It kills me. What do I do? Surgically enhance myself? Bleach my hair and dress sleezy? I literally have done everything I can. It's never enough.

From the time he was about 12, he was heavily exposed to pornography at his brother's house. How can I compete with that?

[MBASS]

Are his needs being met? Are you giving him what he likes in the catalogs?

why is that always the question? Men get off the hook so easily, its ALWAYS the womans fault. ANyway Martie did mention she had a very good Physical relationship with her husband.

Now to MArtie, it is somewhat human nature to notice The Lord's fine work as I heard someone call it. I havee been guilty of looking at good looking men before. However, your husband does seem to be in a little deeper. I would definately talk to your bishop. He may not be into pornographic material now, but this behaviour could lead there. Good Luck.

[martie]

Thank you for your comments.

But, yeah, it goes way past that. He is literally obsessed. He will not discuss it, but I can see that it rules his life. Looking (and seeking after) is first and foremost, over everything else. I think he wants help, but he would never admit it.

I really see it more and more as a sickness.

I have hit rock bottom. I guess I will try to talk to our bishop, but I am not sure about how to go about that without making my husband suspicious. I really do not need more stress in our marriage than what we have now.

Unhappiness has taken over everything for me, much as I have fought it. It's hard to always come in last place in his world.

And it's hard to keep up with the cheerful and happy act. This has taken about everything out of me.

[Dr T]

Hello Martie,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I do not want to add to your stress so please understand taht I am not saying that this is happening in your situation. I do know that this type of "addiction" often progresses to prostitution use. I only bring this up to make sure that you consider the possible dangers and talk to him directly about it.

Just my two cents

[Jason]

Hi Martie.

Sorry you're feeling so hurt. From your posts, it seems that you feel "insecure" physically. Your husbands "addiction" seems to aggravate your insecurity. Why don't you tell him that the reason you don't like him looking at other women is because it makes you feel insecure?

Communicate with your husband.

Now if you can come to some mutually agreeable resolution, all will be well. Likely he's never going to stop looking at the opposite sex (and be glad that it's women he's looking at and not children), so somehow youre going to have to either leave him or learn that he loves you even though he cannot resist taking a peak at others.

[martie]

I've told him. I have shared exactly how I feel, numerous times over. Either he does not care enough to change, or he cannot. And he will not discuss it at all.

[StrawberryFields]

I've told him. I have shared exactly how I feel, numerous times over. Either he does not care enough to change, or he cannot. And he will not discuss it at all.

It sounds to me that he is in real denial of this problem. I am not sure what choices you have either. It is clear that this bothers you, or course he shouldn't NEED to be doing this but that doesn't change that he is. Could it be that he does this only because he things women are pretty? How would he feel if someone else were to catch him doing this? What would his reaction be if one of his children saw this?

[Josh M]

It is a difficult thing to get over, but it can be done. Be very careful because this is one thing that destroyed my family.

[aportmann]

I do know a little bit of how you feel, but I think only a little. We have been married almost 5 years and both are under 30 years old.

I have never caught my husband gawking or staring, but I have caught that he has been viewing women/ porn online (never seen him view it, but found proof.... once an obvious icon on the desktop, wondered what it was and got an eyeful).

Our husbands seem to be similar because neither seems to think they have a problem. We went to marriage counseling (the whole "porn" issue never came up because we just needed help), we told our bishop when the whole issue was a problem between us, and while he promised me that he would stop, I found out within a month or two that he had lied. His response was that he did not want to stop so he wasn't going to. His "eye candy" makes me sick, and now I hate any movie that has any kind of make-out or bedroom scene, even if I'm watching by myself.

It would break my heart to have my husband gawking openly at women, and I understand how hard it is for you to want to talk to anyone. I told one friend (that I haven't seen in 5 years) and my bishop (my husband also talked to him the "problem", and four months later told him it wasn't a problem anymore, even though it was and we both knew it).

This is a hard situation to know what to do! People may tell you to leave him, and it sounds easy to them, but it is always too complicated and is not necessarily the easy option. I have 1 1/2 girls (expecting this fall), and while it hasn't been much of an issue since last fall, it will happen again, and I worry about my girls. I don't think he would hurt them, but at this point I don't know what to expect. My bishop (we since have a new bishop that hasn't been informed of the situation since it hasn't been much of a problem) told me some staggering statistic of men involved with porn that leads to adultry and it scared me. While they act like it's no big deal, IT IS!!! And while I've tried in the past to get him to understand how hurtful his habits are he's stubborn and is only wanting to please himself (and please he does).

I know I've gone on and on, but I want you to know that there is someone else here that feels like they go through life in the shadows. Sometimes it's hard to watch devoted husbands that you can tell deeply love their wives, and while I'm sure their lives aren't perfect, I wonder what happened to our relationship. Whatever it was, it happened long before the first baby came.

[Dr T]

Sorry to hear of you situation too Stickmom24.

[Guest Monica]

Ok since you give him everything he wants and needs and it still isnt enough, dump him. He is commiting adultery in his heart and being lewd.

By the way I always ask if the spouce is meeting the needs be it a husband or a wife to see if its a matter of lack of fulfillment before deducing that the person is a freak.

[MBASS]

Martie, there is a great article in the august ensign with good suggestions in it!

[steflou]

Hi, this is a very difficult thing for a wife and mother to go through. I understand. I am in a situation with a few similarities. My husband is a member but not active and becoming more and more disillusioned with religion. (that is kind of beside the point. I just wanted you to know that I understand a little but my shoes are a little different than yours.)

First of all, you will not be able to become the only woman he will look at. You can dye your hair; wear sleazy clothes and augment whatever you want but he will not stop looking at other women. Hang on to your standards for yourself. You are a daughter of God and don't demean that for your husbands sake. My husband had a nude woman painted on his motorcycle. I told him it was pornographic and he told me it was art. There are all kinds of excuses for a man to view other women. "I appreciate the human body." etc...

As for seeing the bishop, he may not be able to give you the advice that will turn your husband away from looking at other women. Your husband is the only one who can do that. It is an addiction and he will have to want to stop. But the bishop or any other worthy priesthood holder can give you a blessing to give you strength or comfort. Arrange a time during Relief Society or another time when your husband is busy. The blessing is for you and it is personal.

Also people talk of leaving your husband, I don't think anybody understands the logistics of a single divorced mom with 8 kids. Even with child support it is something that would be very difficult even under the best of circumstances.

Watch over your children. Protect them from your husbands actions. I don't know how many sons or daughters you have but you don't want your sons to view women as objects and you don't want your daughters to feel as if they are on this planet to be gawked at. Keep praying. You have a lot deal with.

Enough said on my part. Hang in there. Realize that you are not the cause or the cure but do what you can to protect yourself and your children.

[martie]

[*************************************************************************

Oh, Stickmom, I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I will include you in my prayers.

You're right-- leaving is not going to happen. My children are oblivious except for the older teens. My dh and I do not fight, and I keep quiet. To anyone we look like the perfect family. The only thing is that my heart aches day and night, and I hurt all the time. My dh doesn't even "get it" at all. He almost drove off the road the other day because he was so intent on the woman in the pickup truck going past us. He was turned all the way backwards while he was driving! And then he took my hand and held it and smiled at me. He seriously thinks he does nothing wrong. And he also thinks he has me completely fooled.

I am so sorry for you and it means a lot to hear from someone in a similar boat. What do you do about leaving the house? Do you just stay home so he cannot be alone with the computer? My dh works with computers in a single cubicle, and he is alone there all day. He is not allowed to do porno over the military internet, but he sure can come close. And he does. He flirts with disaster constantly.

Children are awaking, so I need to get off. Thank you again for sharing!

I would like to know if your dh's "habit" has hurt your body image or made you doubt yourself.

Martie

Martie, there is a great article in the august ensign with good suggestions in it!

Thank you so much. I went and read it on Saturday and you're right. It is a touching story and the woman is truly a good person. The biggest difference, though, is that my dh will not discuss it at all, and will not be honest. I have shown him that I am here for him and that I am willing to help him through. He simply will not admit there is a problem. I have fasted and prayed for him often, but the fact remains that he will not allow me to help him and he does not want to change. The husband in the article is humble and wants his wife's help. My dh is extremely deceitful and will lie to get out of anything.

Thank you for sharing!

Martie

Ok since you give him everything he wants and needs and it still isnt enough, dump him. He is commiting adultery in his heart and being lewd.

By the way I always ask if the spouce is meeting the needs be it a husband or a wife to see if its a matter of lack of fulfillment before deducing that the person is a freak.

I totally understand why you asked. I know I am a good wife and that he is very happy with me and our marriage. One of the few times he was willing to discuss this problem, he said, "Don't you inderstand? This has nothing to do with you!"

Of course, that left me pretty speechless. He thinks it is worng of me to hurt. He says the whole thing is harmless and none of my business.

It is a difficult thing to get over, but it can be done. Be very careful because this is one thing that destroyed my family.

Thank you for the warning. I hope you find peace with your situation. I will include you in my prayers.

There are treatment programs for this kind of problems within the church.

The "funny" thing is that I have worked in a lot of leadership positions, and have helped other families with similar issues. But dh will not get help and will not try to change. He is in total denial that there is anything wrong. I do not see him cooperating with any program, unfortunately.

Thank you for your thought.

Hello Martie,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I do not want to add to your stress so please understand taht I am not saying that this is happening in your situation. I do know that this type of "addiction" often progresses to prostitution use. I only bring this up to make sure that you consider the possible dangers and talk to him directly about it.

Just my two cents

Thank you for your warning.

He's an interesting guy. He has ideas about what he can do and still be "good" and what would be going too far. He thinks he is on the safe side.

Of course, as Satan gets more and more of a hold on him, you're right. Things more that likely will continue to progeress in the wrong direction.

[martie]

Hi, this is a very difficult thing for a wife and mother to go through. I understand. I am in a situation with a few similarities. My husband is a member but not active and becoming more and more disillusioned with religion. (that is kind of beside the point. I just wanted you to know that I understand a little but my shoes are a little different than yours.)

First of all, you will not be able to become the only woman he will look at. You can dye your hair; wear sleazy clothes and augment whatever you want but he will not stop looking at other women. Hang on to your standards for yourself. You are a daughter of God and don't demean that for your husbands sake. My husband had a nude woman painted on his motorcycle. I told him it was pornographic and he told me it was art. There are all kinds of excuses for a man to view other women. "I appreciate the human body." etc...

As for seeing the bishop, he may not be able to give you the advice that will turn your husband away from looking at other women. Your husband is the only one who can do that. It is an addiction and he will have to want to stop. But the bishop or any other worthy priesthood holder can give you a blessing to give you strength or comfort. Arrange a time during Relief Society or another time when your husband is busy. The blessing is for you and it is personal.

Also people talk of leaving your husband, I don't think anybody understands the logistics of a single divorced mom with 8 kids. Even with child support it is something that would be very difficult even under the best of circumstances.

Watch over your children. Protect them from your husbands actions. I don't know how many sons or daughters you have but you don't want your sons to view women as objects and you don't want your daughters to feel as if they are on this planet to be gawked at. Keep praying. You have a lot deal with.

Enough said on my part. Hang in there. Realize that you are not the cause or the cure but do what you can to protect yourself and your children.

Thank you, Steflu. Wow, you have a rough situation. I am grateful every day that my dh is active in the church and does his calling. He loves the scriptures and spiritual music. It's such a weird mix. I really, really feel for you and I will pray for you. Do you have children?

I especially appreciate your words about being a child of God. Some days it is so hard to feel that I am loved when I have had to suffer for so long. I do keep the standards, but I put much into my clothing and hair and make-up. You can tell that he genuinely likes how I look, especially when we go to church or out on dates. But that does not change how much he looks elsewhere. URGH, it gets so old.

This weekend was so hard. There is a woman at church who he apparently has a crush on, and he cannot keep his eyes off her. She is a friend of mine, too. This is not the first time he has been "obsessed" with someone at church, but it certainly does not get any easier.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope things get better for you.

Martie

[Guest ApostleKnight]

Everyone has reasons for what they do, but reasons don't equal excuses. I know people aren't always divisible into "good and bad." You say your husband enjoys the scriptures and spiritual music, yet is obsessed with porn. It seems a strange combination yet I take your word for it. I believe it's situations like yours, Martie, that prompt the Prophet and apostles to speak out consistently and more frequently about the danger and sinfulness of pornography.

Obviously if your husband doesn't think it's wrong he won't see a reason to change. Perhaps he knows it's wrong (he doesn't sound like an idiot), is ashamed on some level, doesn't want to admit it's wrong because then he'd have a lot of repenting/apologizing/changing to do, etc... I know two wrongs never make a right, but sometimes I just wonder how men like your husband would feel if they came home and found you browsing male porno sites. "Oh honey, it's nothing, they're just handsome, it has nothing to do with you!"

Sure men normally have stronger sex drives than women, sure guys are normally tempted more by soft/hard porn, but that doesn't mean women have to put up with it. Personal experience has taught me that it's more difficult to be sensitive to the Spirit and others when I've been exposed to that crap. You say he fills his calling, I just wonder how much more he'd enjoy life, his family and the gospel if he didn't have this addiction holding him back. You sound like a wonderfully understanding and patient woman, so I don't think you're being "paranoid."

I hope he finds the courage to admit his problem and seek help with it. He sounds like a genuinely good guy who's let one weakness dominate him, which is always unfortunate. Best of luck and my prayers are with you. It's not okay, it's not "just a guy thing," it's not fair for you to have to keep silent while he sates his appetite. Hang in there, keep loving him and let him know you don't judge him, just his actions. If he knows you love him and support him and can forgive the past he's more likely to admit and abandon his addiction. What more can I say? I'm sorry.

[martie]

Everyone has reasons for what they do, but reasons don't equal excuses. I know people aren't always divisible into "good and bad." You say your husband enjoys the scriptures and spiritual music, yet is obsessed with porn. It seems a strange combination yet I take your word for it. I believe it's situations like yours, Martie, that prompt the Prophet and apostles to speak out consistently and more frequently about the danger and sinfulness of pornography.

Obviously if your husband doesn't think it's wrong he won't see a reason to change. Perhaps he knows it's wrong (he doesn't sound like an idiot), is ashamed on some level, doesn't want to admit it's wrong because then he'd have a lot of repenting/apologizing/changing to do, etc... I know two wrongs never make a right, but sometimes I just wonder how men like your husband would feel if they came home and found you browsing male porno sites. "Oh honey, it's nothing, they're just handsome, it has nothing to do with you!"

Sure men normally have stronger sex drives than women, sure guys are normally tempted more by soft/hard porn, but that doesn't mean women have to put up with it. Personal experience has taught me that it's more difficult to be sensitive to the Spirit and others when I've been exposed to that crap. You say he fills his calling, I just wonder how much more he'd enjoy life, his family and the gospel if he didn't have this addiction holding him back. You sound like a wonderfully understanding and patient woman, so I don't think you're being "paranoid."

I hope he finds the courage to admit his problem and seek help with it. He sounds like a genuinely good guy who's let one weakness dominate him, which is always unfortunate. Best of luck and my prayers are with you. It's not okay, it's not "just a guy thing," it's not fair for you to have to keep silent while he sates his appetite. Hang in there, keep loving him and let him know you don't judge him, just his actions. If he knows you love him and support him and can forgive the past he's more likely to admit and abandon his addiction. What more can I say? I'm sorry.

Thank you so much, ApostleKnight, for your thoughts. I needed to hear that today. I am dreading going to a pioneer day activity today because my husband's latest "interest" will be there. I just dread anything where we have to go out in public together.

So, you consider what he does to be porno? I guess I do too, but it's rough to hear it. He spent his 1-year remote assignment typing phrases into Google images search and looking at thousands of pictures. He says it's not porno because the women (mostly) had clothes on. Not all, though! I saw the pictures and they are awful. And most of them are not wearing enough to matter.

It's good to hear from a man and what he thinks.

I know what he does is wrong, but I constantly tell myself to ignore him, to let it go, to not worry about it. So, I hold his hand and smile and chat with him like there's nothing wrong. The act is wearing thin. I have a constant knot in my stomach and my heart pounds just about 24-7. I am desperate for some time off from the anxiety.

I know I should talk to our bishop, but I am afraid. I do not want my husband to find out and get mad. Trust me, that is very rough. This subject is CLOSED with him.

Thank you again. I admire that you can speak up and help others through sharing your experiences.

Martie

[aportmann]

Irritating computers. I had a lengthy message when my computer went berserk and lost everything. GRRR!!!!!

Martie, asking about how my husband's habits affect my body image. I am 5'2" and about 110 lbs. while 6 months pregnant. I don't think that my husband finds anything wrong with my body except my chest (he's suggested surgery when we're done with kids, but that will be wasted money because he'll still be "seeing his girlfriends" [what else would you call them?]) and the length of my hair (he likes long, which I tried for over two years of marriage. It is still longer than when we met and he fell in love with me, but he wants it half way down my back or whatever, and it's not something that fits me!). Unfortunately I don't even remember the last time he told me I like nice (has he ever?), and that kind of bothers me, but I figure that if I think I look good that's good enough. He's never said that I don't look good, so maybe it's just part of his personality.

You also asked if I hate leaving the house, leaving him with the computer. We have two computers in our house, one in his office (accessed only through our bedroom) and one in my office (next to our bedroom). Because of his work schedule he's on the computer a lot when he gets home from work, which is right when I'm sleeping, so I have no idea how long he's online and what he's looking at.

Monica's comment has me shaking my head. This is a husband, not a boyfriend, and it's not so easy to just dump him! One of my own concerns has been "what does he do with the kids when I'm not around" (my second daughter will be born the end of this year)? Many times when I've left my daughter with my husband while I'm out with my church calling she is sitting in front of the television while he's on the computer doing who knows what.

ApostleKnight, you said, "sometimes I just wonder how men like your husband would feel if they came home and found you browsing male porno sites." I asked my husband about this and he said it wouldn't bother him. He would like it if I was watching the movies with him (it makes me sick even watching some of the mini sex scenes where nothing is even showing!). So he doesn't care if I view things, but if I got involved with a man over the internet, getting to know him, that's off limits. There's another issue at our house because my husband is always "too busy" for his family when he's at home because he's busy with the yard, the house, in his office (researching hunting things and who knows what else). Our anniversary was three days ago, and while we had thought about spending the night in a hotel alone, he's always so concerned about spending money (on anyone but himself) that I suggested saving the money. At the last minute (7:45pm!!!) we were looking online to see what movies were playing, but ended up driving up a hill to watch the sunset (we missed the sun setting but sat and watched and talked for a little while after) then went out for ice cream.

Sorry, I'm done going on and on about this subject (I could go on and on). I think having things in common between spouses helps a lot, and that's something we seem to be lacking, especially wanting to communicate with each other.

The article in the August Ensign has been mentioned a couple of times. I saw and read it right away and hoped that maybe my husband would also see it, but I think he only opens the Ensign to read the home teaching message.

This probably wasn't all that I had wanted to say to begin with, but oh well. If you have any other questions let me know.

[prisonchaplain]

Thank you for your comments.

But, yeah, it goes way past that. He is literally obsessed. He will not discuss it, but I can see that it rules his life. Looking (and seeking after) is first and foremost, over everything else. I think he wants help, but he would never admit it.

I really see it more and more as a sickness.

No doubt there is an addiction here...and that is a medical term and condition. On the other hand, lust is sin. It is not a "victimless crime." It is adultery, according to Jesus.

So, there's the diagnosis, where's the cure? It has to start with his repentence, NOT your improved performance or packaging. How outrageous to ask whether or not your giving him what he gets from the magazines--how wrong! I was frankly shocked and saddened by that little bombshell of a post.

This sin is becoming a plague amongst Christian men, and we should be way past the point of blaming our wives. We men need to give up our childish fantasies. We need to step up and be real men, loving our wives, making the sacrifices necessary to keep house, home, and heart safe.

This "husband" may be in denial, and you are to be commended for waiting on his spiritual awakening. Pray for him--that conviction will unsettle him, and peace will flee from him until his confronts this demon. You are the offended partner, and YOU have nothing to apologize for or explain.

God bless and keep you on this particularly ugly trial.