Letting go of anger and resentment

[augustbringsyou]

some of you have commented on my previous post, but I want to keep this a separate so that maybe someone else can benefit for it to.

I'm having a very difficult time letting go of anger and resentment in my life. Sometimes, because of the things I have been going through lately that anger and resentment has translated into feelings of anger towards Heavenly Father. I've been told my entire life that He has a plan for us, and then I get angry because I'm trying to figure out why would such a plan be so hurtful. Then I remind myself that everyone has free will and free agency, and sometimes that affects others-which is what I'm going through. I have so many emotions right now. Hurt, fear, anger. I don't know how to fully let go of those things to reach that point of forgiveness and acceptance. Sometimes, I don't feel I'm ever going to reach that point of acceptance.

I know these are feelings that everyone goes through at times, so I wanted to ask-how do you cope? What scriptures do you reference to help cope with these feelings and keep that peaceful feeling? What do you do to reach that point?

[thealienthing]

Trials help us all to grow, august. Look at how much you have grown and how far you have come. The blessings that we receive from our trials may not be apparent in the beginning, but you just hold on and you will be so surprised at how richly and freely heavenly father has blessed you. :)

I love reading 1 Nephi just because I get so inspired by Nephi's courage, especially when he faces all the adversity of his older brothers. Nephi is a great hero of the scriptures. I hope this helps.

[Backroads]

Understand that while Heavenly Father does have a plan for you, it's not going to be easy and it's not going to be without offense from everything else in life. He did not you in a place of pain to make you suffer. Chances are, it is simply the way things turned out through no intervention or lack thereof of Heavenly Father.

[LittleWyvern]

Would you be where you are today if His plan for you wasn't so hurtful at times? I think your answer will come from a deeper understanding on why agency and adversity are not only a part of life, but understanding that without them, God's plan would not work. The ideal is to be at peace with events in your life because you know they're part of a larger plan, even if they're hurtful at times. Sometimes this might take taking a few steps back (or sideways) to see things with this perspective, if you're only looking at (and concentrating on) the now, or what's happening around you just today, you'll miss how the events of the past and future relate to what today is.

As far as scriptures go, 2 Nephi 2 is a classic chapter for this concern, but I'd also reccommend looking through the mortal life of Jesus Christ with this idea in mind: at any time He could have stopped all the stupid stuff other people were doing to him, but he realized that this would defeat his purpose of coming to Earth, and through this he was always at peace with His Father.

[applepansy]

Do a search on the word "Atonement" at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Read everything you can, scriptures and talks.

After that... it comes down to just giving all the hurt, anger, resentment, frustration, etc. to Christ. Sometimes its helpful to write it all down or in your prayers get very specific. Explain your feelings, why you feel the way you do and then ask for help. Heavenly Father loves you. He didn't plan all that has happened to you. As you stated, other people's choices affect us. The only thing we control is our response to the bad things.

The atonement isn't there just for when we need to repent. Christ suffered everything we would suffer, including the hurt, anger, resentment that you're feeling. Its hard but very important to let go of all those negative feelings. Give them all to Christ. He's there for you.

[lagniappe]

A few years ago I went through an entire decade of severe trials. I spent so much of my time and energy focusing on surviving that life outside of survival was put on hold. People around me were developing talents, building careers, having and raising children, (this was during my 20s) and I was frozen. Or at least that's how it felt at the time.

Thankfully I made it through that dark time, but I had many why me moments. I wondered why my friends and family were allowed to grow and enjoy life and I was stuck. That's not to say that they hadn't any hardships, but nothing like what I was going through. At least that's how it felt.

When I finally came out the other end, I realized how much I had grown, just not in ways quite as easy to measure. The strength I gained from being forged in that fire is invaluable.

Still, there were moments when I wondered did I really have to go through all of that? Was it necessary?

There was a wonderful talk given in my ward just this past Sunday and it included a quote by Orson F. Whitney that has really given me a lot of peace on the subject. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God, … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

It gives me such comfort to know that my trials served a purpose beyond the pain. I didn’t really lose a decade. Despite how it felt at the time.

Edited June 29, 2011 by lagniappe

[lines]

If you feel the anger just observe it and understand it. Do not let the anger control you though. If the anger goes away it goes away. If it stays it stays. Let the anger go where it wants, respect its free will. If the anger wants to go it will go, if it wants to stay it will stay. Do not let the anger control what decisions you make though.

[lost123]

Anger and resentment is spiritual poison and can do a lot to damage one's mental, spiritual, physical and social health.

I REPEAT...NOTHING WILL DESTROY YOUR VERY CHARACTER AND SPIRIT FASTER THAN ANGER AND RESENTMENT. IT IS POISON.

It is natural and sometimes (IMO) healthy to have feelings of anger. But we must let it only be temporary and not let it eat our souls.

Anger absorbs your thoughts, tends to make you believe everything else is unjust in life, make you faithless, and allows you to believe what Satan would have you believe. Satan's rebellion came out of anger. We have no need to become as he is.

For a very long time I harbored what I thought was righteous anger. Though what I had a right to be angry about was valid, hurtful and incredibly damaging I had no idea the life I wasted on harboring that anger.

IMO it is okay to be angry temporarily but we must give it FULLY over to the Lord knowing that the other person is covered by the atonement too. We must let it go. We require the atonement also to forgive those who have transgressed against us.

For study helps on the topic here are some links from lds.org:

http://lds.org/study/topics/forgiveness?lang=eng

Here are some other helps:

-try to compartmentalize the action that made you angry from the person

-write it out! You might see it for what it really is.

-know that anger is probably causing you much more damage than the offending person is feeling about it. So don't let it.

-President Monson said, "Never let a problem to be solved be more important than the person to be loved."

-say and study "The Lord's Prayer" say it often

-GET OVER IT. Seriously. MOVE ON. Accept that it is what it is.

-Nobody can make you feel a certain way. We do have agency over our thoughts.

-If you have depression, seek professional assistance

-It helps to talk it out with a reasonable and sensible individual or counselor

-Focus on improving your ownself and doing what you can of value to keep from feeling offended

-Elizabeth Stuart (kidnapped) said that she didn't want to give more time to her perpetrator than he'd already taken from her

-get a blessing

-STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

-Beware of self righteousness

-Take a boxing class, exercise to physical expend the emotional anger

-SAY YOUR PRAYERS. Pray for understanding, for forgiveness, for help.

-DON'T BECOME BITTER

-GET A WORLD VIEW. When you realize that your problems and things to be angry about don't light a candle comparatively to other things that go on in the world then you might see the problem for what it really is

-THINK LOGICALLY and not emotionally. Is being angry going to solve the problem?

Whatever you do, please focus on what is right in the world and right with that person.

If someone has violated a law then do what is necessary to report it. Leave it up to the judicial system.

COMPARTMENTALIZE IT MENTALLY. Don't let your emotions take over logic.

PRAY.

GOOD LUCK.

[seeking_peace]

I'm soryy that you are hurting. I felt a lot of hurt and resentment when I discovered my husband's infidelity, but I am so much happier now that I've let it go. He's just not worth it. A coworker of mine used to say, "I won't let you steal my joy." and it helped me to think that. I didn't want to hand him the power over my happiness.

I just came across this article and it may help:

Meridian Magazine - Ten Techniques to Help You Forgive - Meridian Magazine - LDS, Mormon and Latter-day Saint News and Views

[lost123]

Here are some other helps:

-try to compartmentalize the action that made you angry from the person

-write it out! You might see it for what it really is.

-know that anger is probably causing you much more damage than the offending person is feeling about it. So don't let it.

-President Monson said, "Never let a problem to be solved be more important than the person to be loved."

-say and study "The Lord's Prayer" say it often

-GET OVER IT. Seriously. MOVE ON. Accept that it is what it is.

-Nobody can make you feel a certain way. We do have agency over our thoughts.

-If you have depression, seek professional assistance

-It helps to talk it out with a reasonable and sensible individual or counselor

-Focus on improving your ownself and doing what you can of value to keep from feeling offended

-Elizabeth Stuart (kidnapped) said that she didn't want to give more time to her perpetrator than he'd already taken from her

-get a blessing

-STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

-Beware of self righteousness

-Take a boxing class, exercise to physical expend the emotional anger

-SAY YOUR PRAYERS. Pray for understanding, for forgiveness, for help.

-DON'T BECOME BITTER

-GET A WORLD VIEW. When you realize that your problems and things to be angry about don't light a candle comparatively to other things that go on in the world then you might see the problem for what it really is

-THINK LOGICALLY and not emotionally. Is being angry going to solve the problem?

Whatever you do, please focus on what is right in the world and right with that person.

If someone has violated a law then do what is necessary to report it. Leave it up to the judicial system.

COMPARTMENTALIZE IT MENTALLY. Don't let your emotions take over logic.

PRAY.

GOOD LUCK.

OKAY - I am going to do some BIG REVISING of my post due in large part to reading your first post surrounding your situation and your child who was taken from you. Your situation is slightly different.

What you will find here in this forum are opinions. I am sure you have gotten plenty of opinions from those around you of what to think or what to do. Mine is probably no different. But I hope that you take in consideration some advice I hope to offer.

You MUST seek legal counsel. GET A LAWYER. The biggest mistake someone can make when dealing with the law is to go about it on their own. You would be wise to seek representation. It doesn't matter how right you are...when facing the law you want someone who knows the system. It is expensive. It is inconvenient. It is a process that often takes time BUT YOU CAN NOT AFFORD NOT TO. Try to find reputable representation (lawyer) who has experience and background in this type of thing. A lawyer will let you know what your rights are and will educate you about how the courts go about sorting this type of thing out. Child and Famiy Protective Services have laws to follow. You need to know what they are and the process so you can understand that they are obligated by law to do their job - even if they sometimes get it wrong. In my opinion, whatever you do DO NOT PLEAD GUILTY if you indeed are NOT GUILTY. Listen to your lawyer. Ask questions. If you feel you are not being represented properly, seek advice from another lawyer as to whether you should be troubled by this representation. Remember your lawyer is there to give you legal counsel and represent you according to the law.

Keep a journal to help let your feelings come out. It is therapeutic and can be a good source of expression. It also helps to see things on paper. When we re-read it we sometimes think differently OR down the road we can read it again to see how far we've come, lessons learned or patterns of problems we need to break that we haven't overcome. I SUGGEST ALSO to take a piece of paper. At the heading write FACTS. Write all the facts (not opinions, feelings). This will help you see things more logically and for what they are. Here are some examples (change for accuracy)

FACT (SITUATION)

Baby (2 broken ribs, retinol damage, bleeding brain)

Baby in custody

There is a process in working to get child back

I only have partial knowledge of the law.

Husband claimed responsibility and recanted

I do/don't have a criminal record

I do/don't receive information from Child and Family Protection Services

I do/don't have enough money to survive doing what I am doing

I do/don't have a lawyer

There is a court date July 8

I am pregnant

I am/am not divorced

My husband is estranged/not estranged

I don't/do have (and can show) I have support for my child when I get her back

etc.......

I know/don't know all the resources available to me

I have/have not kept a record of all the conversations/court filings involved

I have/have not taken parenting classes

I have/have not followed what the law or Child Protection services has asked of me

FACT (SUPPORT)

I do/don't have family support emotionally

I do/don't have home teachers that visit

I do/don't have visiting teachers that visit

My bishop is aware of my situation

The bishop has offered this type of support ___________________

I have/have not met with my Stake President

I do/don't have a professional counselling services

I do/don't have enough food to eat

I do/don't have enough money to survive

I am ___ years old

FACT (EMOTIONAL)

I have/don't have the symptoms of depression

I do/don't exercise regularly

etc.

FACT (SPIRITUALLY)

I have/have not sought spiritual guidance from Bishop

He offered this support and counsel _____________________

I have/have not followed the counsel he gave

I have/have not sought help from the Stake Pres.

I have/have not followed that guidance

I do/don't read my scriptures daily

I do/don't pour out my sould to God

I do/don't attend church

I do/don't hold a valid temple recommend

I do/don't have access to a temple

I do/don't go to the temple regularly

etc...

I have a friend who helped me see things more clearly when I was able to compartmentalize the facts from my emotions. It made problem solving and a course of action much more effective and was able to help me not get lost in feeling sorry for myself but doing ALL I can within my power to do something practical and effective with the facts. Sometimes we get so lost in our emotions that we can't think clearly and often see things for much worse than they are OR not give attention to the things that need it most. My suggestion: WORK ON WHAT IS FACT AND NOT SPECULATION. The first effective step is to accept the situation you are in and do everything in your disposal to use the facts to help you effectively address the situation. It also helps you be pro-active about the situation which helps prevent the awful affects of harboring anger and resentment.

I know I am not aware of everything in your situation. This is just a suggestion. Please remember that. I hope it helps.

ONE THING YOU MUST MUST MUST address is your HUSBAND. Is he in your life or out of your life? If he is in your life, he could pose your biggest obstacle to getting your child back.

Accept the things you do know and accept that you don't know everything. Accept that you are in this situation. Stick to the facts and I think you will find/see more results - see things more clearly. Try not to focus on your emotions. They can render you a complete wreck. BUT ... DO seek help in your ward. Keeping it secret is not always the best. Some people may not help you but there will be those who do. Don't worry about what people will think about you. SEEK THE LORD'S HELP and KEEP THE FAITH.

A VERY GOOD BOOK THAT YOU SHOULD TRY TO ORDER ONLINE or CHECK OUT FROM THE LIBRARY WILL HELP TREMENDOUSLY. It was written well over 50 years ago but is a gem. "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend reading it. I wish I had years and years ago. It would have saved me a lot of hurt and wasted time. It addresses how to stop worrying about even the most difficult of circumstances.

Do something for yourself every day: have a hot bath, read a good book, etc. - you need to take care of yourself somehow. It doesn't require money.

TO WRAP UP: 1) KEEP TO THE FACTS 2) GET LEGAL COUNSEL 3) TALK TO STAKE PRES 4) PRAY PRAY PRAY 5) READ "HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND START LIVING" by Dale Carnegie 6) DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF EVERY DAY

Whatever you do...remember that bad things can happen to good people. It is not a reflection on you as an individual. That's just the way life is. So begins the process of realizing that our allegiance is with the Savior no matter what. Keep the faith.

REMEMBER all that is here is opinion and advice. Each circumstance is different. Hope it helps.