Should I become involved in this?

[hellolove]

I need some relationship advice, and I figure that after asking the people that I know I would come here where I know what I believe in is shared with all of you too. I'm a college student and I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. I knew that my boyfriend had issues with the LofC before dating him and i knew about his past relationships with other girls. I knew starting a relationship with him would be risky business but I decided to look past his problems because we all have our own and he has been actively trying to fix this. So we started dating and it has been a lot harder than I expected. He's also shared with me recently that he has an addiction with pornography that he is trying to get rid of. We've discussed what he wants out of life and he wants the gospel and the Savior in his life. He wants to be worthy to enter the temple and have a temple marriage. I admire his strength and his continuous ability to fight this.. But I'm not sure if I should get myself involved in something like this. I do love him and I would love to marry him but I've heard and also read about how pornography can ruin families. So what do I do? I think that this battle will last a lot longer than anyone wants it too..

[Just_A_Guy]

If he's willing to commit to continue in the right path in spite of relapses, then I wouldn't rule out a relationship IF you feel you have the strength to help him through the ups and downs of this particular trial.

The fact that he's been up-front with you about it, says volumes.

[JudoMinja]

This struggle will probably never be truly "over" for him. He may get to where he can get it under control and he hardly ever thinks about it, but there will be times when things get hard and the problem crops up again, maybe nothing more than feeling weak and a stronger pull toward temptations or maybe full-on relapse. No matter how well he manages it though, it is not going to go away. So, you need to decide whether or not you can support him and be there for him while he struggles through this.

Looking past his problems isn't really the best approach going into a relationship. Yes, we all have our problems, but that doesn't mean we ignore them. We need to take stock of them and assess how to approach them. If you are going to get serious about this relationship, this problem is going to become your problem to. You need to understand it, know how to help him with it, and how to stay strong so that you do not fall victim to it yourself. If you don't think it is something you can handle, it is okay to say so and move on. It doesn't make you unforgiving. It just means you understand your limits. You can be compassionate toward this person and offer him Christ-like acceptance without committing yourself to an intimate relationship.

For example- I could probably handle dating someone with a LofC or pornography issue as I can understand and work with that. I've had issues with it myself and worked hard to overcome them. However, anyone with a history of violence or an uncontrolled temper is a far riskier jump in my book. I'd rather avoid a relationship with a person like that, and if I know at the start that someone has a problem with this it is going to be very unlikely I will pursue anything. This is because I know I will have a hard time with that and it would put unneccessary strain on the relationship. Think about what your own limits are. Is this LofC problem something you can handle, or do you feel about it the way I do about unchecked anger?

If you think you can handle it and want to stick it out, try this- Take it SLOW. Since this is his weakness it is where you are going to have to be strong. Set very solid limits and stick to them. See how he handles having to abide by those limits. If he is constantly resisting you on it, trying to pressure you to lower your walls, or turning away because he feels like you are being "unloving", he isn't really emotionally healthy or ready for a relationship. He still has a lot of work to do on himself and you should probably cut it off and avoid him (at least for now). If, however, he adjusts to your limitations and is willing to work with you on them (won't necessarily be easy for him, but his willingness to fold to your judgment is important here), I'd say chances are good you can make something of this.

Pray about it. Also, I suggest you read through this thread. This person was asking for advice on an issue almost identical to yours. I'm sure you'll find some great advice in there. Good luck!

Edited July 30, 2011 by JudoMinja

[TANNY]

I have had almost the exact same issue. I think that you should read the thread that I posted a few months back. It helped me a ton and I think it will help you. I would say something more profound but I think it's all covered by the people that replied to my thread. :)

[NeuroTypical]

he has an addiction with pornography that he is trying to get rid of.

...

He wants to be worthy to enter the temple

...

So what do I do?

Tell him you'd love to date him after he has overcome his addiction with pornography, and he's worthy to enter the temple.

Then walk away. If he comes back in to your life at some future time and these problems are all resolved, then you can decide whether you want to date him or not.

Or, you can overlook his problems, marry the person you want him to be instead of the person he is, and roll your dice.

Pick.

[rameumptom]

Cool off the relationship for 6 months. Tell him he needs the time to overcome his addictions before he'll be ready for a serious relationship. If he stays porn free for 6 months, then you can start back up if both are still interested. If you don't take a serious and firm stance on this now, then it will come back to haunt you later.

[Wisher]

Even if you give the relationship a break for 6 months, if he really cares about you, he may be able to "be good" for that long to get you back.... but real change may not have taken place. Porn addiction does not go away..... When marriage life gets rough and rocky, past behaviors can easily resurface.

I have a brother-in-law who was into porn... he changed his behavior, went on a mission, and got married in the temple... since then, when life hit some bumps in the road, he paid for sex with prostitutes (more than once) was back into porn and has made life a living hell for my sister-in-law.... not saying that your guy would do this, but real change doesn't come easy....I think you are taking a risk.... I bet you can find a guy that is not in the middle of these problems. If you have kept yourself clean, should you take the risks that this guy is bringing in... repentance is real, and Christ can change people, but sometimes people think they have repented when in reality they have only stopped a behavior for a while..... be very careful

[Someday]

Tell him you'd love to date him after he has overcome his addiction with pornography, and he's worthy to enter the temple.

Then walk away. If he comes back in to your life at some future time and these problems are all resolved, then you can decide whether you want to date him or not.

Or, you can overlook his problems, marry the person you want him to be instead of the person he is, and roll your dice.

Pick.

Hi. I know I'm new and should probably introduce myself first, but I will save that for a more appropriate thread. I am not sure that either extreme is the best answer. I would definitely advise not pursuing a serious relationship with this person at this time. However, since he is honest and upfront enough to tell the OP about his struggles, it sounds like what he needs is a friend who can give moral support. This is where it gets difficult, the line between moral support and "falling in love" can get real blurry REALLY fast.

As far as walking away and coming back when he is "cured" (I know, my words, not yours - if I am mistaken in what you meant, then I apologize), that can never truly happen - addiction is a life-long struggle. The question that the OP must address is - if you do stay together and (someday) get married, would you be willing to stay with him if/when he relapses? Would you be willing to stay with him if you have children? If either of these answers are "I don't know" or "no", then be the best friend that you can to him and make your intentions clear to him. If he really considers you a friend and you are willing to be there for him, he could probably use the support.

[Bini]

Tell him you'd love to date him after he has overcome his addiction with pornography, and he's worthy to enter the temple.

Then walk away. If he comes back in to your life at some future time and these problems are all resolved, then you can decide whether you want to date him or not.

Or, you can overlook his problems, marry the person you want him to be instead of the person he is, and roll your dice.

Pick.

THIS.

You take your "pick" and live with the decision you make.

[Bini]

Someday, the point of dating is to potentially find your eternal companion. You should not date someone you would not marry. Does that make sense?

[Someday]

Someday, the point of dating is to potentially find your eternal companion. You should not date someone you would not marry. Does that make sense?

If you are talking about dating to find a spouse, then yes I agree with what you are saying and, in a slightly more long-winded version was trying to say the same thing.

When I say be his friend I am not talking about dating him, I meant just what I said - be friends. I think we get too caught up in finding the right person sometimes that we let potential friendships go by the wayside. I believe that we come into contact with most people for a reason. The reason isn't always clear and may not be what we think it is. All I am saying is that if the OP is not willing to date (and by extension marry) this person (note, I don't think she should date this person), then at least keep the door to friendship open and let him decide if he is willing to settle for that.

[JudoMinja]

If you are talking about dating to find a spouse, then yes I agree with what you are saying and, in a slightly more long-winded version was trying to say the same thing.

When I say be his friend I am not talking about dating him, I meant just what I said - be friends. I think we get too caught up in finding the right person sometimes that we let potential friendships go by the wayside. I believe that we come into contact with most people for a reason. The reason isn't always clear and may not be what we think it is. All I am saying is that if the OP is not willing to date (and by extension marry) this person (note, I don't think she should date this person), then at least keep the door to friendship open and let him decide if he is willing to settle for that.

While I can intellectually agree with your point, I think that for the most part that once we are past the "teenage" years we don't really make opposite gender "friendships" very well. Now yes, I do have some friends from the opposite gender... so I don't think it is impossible. However, I do think it is next to impossible for this to happen when the relationship started out as "dating". If, from the get go, you were getting to know this person as a potential spouse, I do not think it is possible to go back to "friends".

Maybe I think this way because of how my father always said he handled dating as an adult. He would take a girl out on a date, pray about her, and if he got a "no" that was it. He didn't pursue anything further, never built a friendship and never chanced the formation of feelings that would get him into trouble. This worked out great for him. He never had any issues with the Law of Chastity, and when he met my mom that was it. They dated for a while, got married and have been together ever since. Now, he does not have any female friends. He associates with some of the women at church for home teaching etc, but he does not have a "friendship" with any of them. I don't really think such is necessary and it can end up causing more harm than good if we try to form these opposite-gender friendships and eventually start letting the lines get blurred.

[Someday]

While I can intellectually agree with your point, I think that for the most part that once we are past the "teenage" years we don't really make opposite gender "friendships" very well. Now yes, I do have some friends from the opposite gender... so I don't think it is impossible. However, I do think it is next to impossible for this to happen when the relationship started out as "dating". If, from the get go, you were getting to know this person as a potential spouse, I do not think it is possible to go back to "friends".

Maybe I think this way because of how my father always said he handled dating as an adult. He would take a girl out on a date, pray about her, and if he got a "no" that was it. He didn't pursue anything further, never built a friendship and never chanced the formation of feelings that would get him into trouble. This worked out great for him. He never had any issues with the Law of Chastity, and when he met my mom that was it. They dated for a while, got married and have been together ever since. Now, he does not have any female friends. He associates with some of the women at church for home teaching etc, but he does not have a "friendship" with any of them. I don't really think such is necessary and it can end up causing more harm than good if we try to form these opposite-gender friendships and eventually start letting the lines get blurred.

I understand what you are saying and, to an extent, agree. I just think that the same spirit we use to determine if a person is "the one" is the same spirit that we need to use to determine if we can be of meaningful assistance or support to someone. I think the position that "I can never be a friend to someone I dated/was in love with" as a general rule probably is correct for most people, but to apply it as a rule without exception I believe has the potential to dismiss the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I keep going back to the Good Samaritan in my mind. I know that the GS did what he had to then left, but he also came back to see if he could be of further assistance. As with anything, if we are guided by the spirit and are open to its promptings, we won't go wrong.