Not sure what to do

[JaneDoe]

I went to a PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group) for the spouses. The men meet in the same building on the same night at the same time, but in different rooms. Anyway, I live in a smaller town. Not very men go to the meetings, according to my husband, and I am the only woman who attends the spouse support group, so far.

Well, the other day I was once again the only one there and the Sister in charge did not show up. I was bored sitting there, so I ventured off to where the men meet. I sat outside the room to listen. Why? Because I'm nosy. I couldn't hear much. The door was cracked so I took a peek. I saw the husband of my visiting teacher. A few Sundays ago I saw my visiting teacher in the bathroom crying during a sacrament meeting. I had a feeling it had to do with pornography since the talk was geared towards that. I felt the spirit to talk with her, but I was trying to change my daughter's diaper. So now that I know her husband does in fact have a problem with pornography, so should I see if she is doing okay?? Her and husband just moved into our ward a few months ago and are from out of state. They don't have any family here or know very many people. I don't know if I should just leave it alone? Or mention that I noticed she was crying a couple of Sundays ago, Is she ok? She can talk to me about it. What should I do?? We're kind of in the same boat. I know I would love to talk to someone in person who knows exactly what I'm going through. Any advice would be great!!

[ChooseTheSun]

Quick advice: Forget what you heard and saw.

These support groups are private for a reason. Listening in on a closed discussion breaks confidentiality and could be devastating for anyone involved (participants, family, group leaders...) As tempting as it is to use privileged information as a way to comfort your friend, don't do it. You took something that didn't belong to you -- private group therapy information. Imagine if your doctor shared your history with your neighbor, or your Bishop talked with your in-laws -- there is an assumption of privacy and confidentiality in those settings. Lives are truly at stake -- people are sometimes suicidal, or considering divorce, or risking their health due to pornography addiction. Be a friend to your Visiting Teacher because you have a big heart, not because you have gossip to share.

[skippy740]

What is said there, stays there. Who is attending there, stays there.

Those are the rules.

Some people might never attend if they thought that their anonymity with the rest of their world could be compromised.

[slamjet]

I hope you take this in the spirit it's offered and not malicious, but that was inappropriate to sit and eavesdrop. CTS is not exaggerating in the analysis of the types of people that go to these groups. There is a lot of effort on everyone's part to make it a safe environment to share and discuss. And there are many things that are discussed that are better to not be shared with loved ones until they are both ready. As for me, if I knew or heard someone talk about something I said in the group, I would report that person to the facilitator and demand they be asked to not come back. I know that I expect anonymity when I share. And for me to be as open as I am is a lot of work on my part because I instinctively don't trust anyone.

While you can't undo what happened, I second the suggestion: forget what you saw and heard. It wasn't for you in the first place. Be a friend and let the relationship evolve. Don't force it, or bring it up.

[JaneDoe]

Thanks, guys. You are all completely right. Of course I wouldn't say anything to anyone else about it except her, but I'm not going to say anything at all now that I know what I have done was wrong. I hope she will come to a meeting and we could go from there. As far as who I saw and what I heard, it's forgotten now.

[ChooseTheSun]

Thanks, guys. You are all completely right. Of course I wouldn't say anything to anyone else about it except her, but I'm not going to say anything at all now that I know what I have done was wrong. I hope she will come to a meeting and we could go from there. As far as who I saw and what I heard, it's forgotten now.

Awesome decision.

There are sadly few things in life we can do with 100%, no doubt, absolute certainty that we're doing the right thing. For you, forgetting that evening ever took place is one of those things -- no downside, everyone wins!

Keep going to your group and sharing your hope, strength, and experience. And wear a blindfold and noise-filtering headphones next time you have wanderlust on group night :)

[JaneDoe]

And wear a blindfold and noise-filtering headphones next time you have wanderlust on group night :)

[slamjet]

Thanks, guys. You are all completely right. Of course I wouldn't say anything to anyone else about it except her, but I'm not going to say anything at all now that I know what I have done was wrong. I hope she will come to a meeting and we could go from there. As far as who I saw and what I heard, it's forgotten now.

You are wonderful for understanding.

[Gwen]

I agree with what has been said.... however,

you can go to her and say.... "I saw you in the bathroom rather upset a couple weeks ago. I really wanted to see if you were ok but was tied up with a diaper. If you ever want to talk I'm here. I'm sorry if I missed the opportunity to give you a hug when you needed it most. Can I give you one now?"

you can also confide in her as your visiting teacher about your issues. Tell her your frustraition about going to the support group and no one being there. You still need someone to talk to, that's part of being a vt. She may or may not share with you, she may or may not come to the meeting. But you open the door in ways that are appropriate and do not say what you saw. If she just listens and says nothing of herself then you know she wants it kept strictly to herself. Or she may welcome the chance to talk.

pray about it.

[seeking_peace]

I like what Gwen said. You can confide in her and tell her your situation. Even if she chooses not to share, she will know that she is not the only one that is going through what she is going through. sometimes, that's what is needed.

[Just_A_Guy]

you can also confide in her as your visiting teacher about your issues. Tell her your frustraition about going to the support group and no one being there. You still need someone to talk to, that's part of being a vt.

Strongly suggest you clear this with your husband first.

[JaneDoe]

you can also confide in her as your visiting teacher about your issues. Tell her your frustraition about going to the support group and no one being there. You still need someone to talk to, that's part of being a vt. She may or may not share with you, she may or may not come to the meeting. But you open the door in ways that are appropriate and do not say what you saw. If she just listens and says nothing of herself then you know she wants it kept strictly to herself. Or she may welcome the chance to talk.

pray about it.

Even before I saw her crying, I felt that I should talk to her. My husband and I had a rough day a few weeks ago, and I desperately needed someone to talk to, however, I'm not the type to go blabbing around about our issues. I keep to myself, and pretend that everything is "perfect." So I decided against talking with her, even though I felt strongly that I should. My husband understands my desire to talk with someone who can relate with what I'm going through. I know he wouldn't mind. Maybe it's not just a coincidence that she was assigned to be my visiting teacher... I will certainly pray about it a listen to these promptings.

[ChooseTheSun]

Even before I saw her crying, I felt that I should talk to her. My husband and I had a rough day a few weeks ago, and I desperately needed someone to talk to, however, I'm not the type to go blabbing around about our issues. I keep to myself, and pretend that everything is "perfect." So I decided against talking with her, even though I felt strongly that I should. My husband understands my desire to talk with someone who can relate with what I'm going through. I know he wouldn't mind. Maybe it's not just a coincidence that she was assigned to be my visiting teacher... I will certainly pray about it a listen to these promptings.

Be her friend, for sure. If the Holy Spirit was drawing you near to her, what a great blessing for both of you. Just avoid any reference to what you heard/saw snooping at the support group that night. And especially since you don't know this woman very well, don't share anything about your husband's addiction that you don't want shared with the entire ward. Maybe the Leader of your tiny support group can meet with you 1:1 for a few weeks while the group is growing. She is the one committed to privacy and can offer experienced strength and coping skills.