Husband vs Sister: Stuck in the middle

[beefche]

No, your husband is not a terrible person because he swears. I'm going to be blunt here (and this is based solely on what you've posted--I don't know you personally). You need to be your own person. Quit living by mom and dad's thoughts, rules, guidelines, advice, etc. You are a woman and a married one at that. Honoring your mother and father doesn't mean you allow them to demean, disrespect, or otherwise judge your husband.

You are married to your husband. Nothing and no one should come between the two of you. Your parents had no right to tell you that they are disappointed in you for your choice. The time for that kind of talk was when you were engaged--once in a calm concerned manner and then let it drop.

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd apologize to my husband for not supporting him more fully. And supporting doesn't mean you approve of his actions (although I, personally, would approve of him telling your sister to shut it, if she was acting as I imagine she was). But supportive does mean you choose him before anyone else. Then I would only respond to my parents if they call or text at this point. They are choosing to act childish and give you the silent treatment. You can talk to them on your terms. I would limit any time between your husband's family and your family to only family celebrations (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.).

The thing that concerns me is you are doubting your choice of your husband as well as his goodness. You are having to remind yourself of why you love him--all because your parents are now showing disapproval. I'm sure they love you and want the best for you, but whether they approve or not, he is YOUR husband. You have made your choice--now stick to it with all your heart, mind, and strength.

Oh, and I'd tell my sister that the next time she even thinks about attacking my husband, I will gladly thump her so hard she won't know up from down, THEN I'd call the police on her. And I am being deadly serious about that. Her physical attack is unacceptable--there is absolutely no excuse for her to react physically. By that action alone, she has lost any privilege of being alone with any of my children for fear she won't know how to react verbally to a situation and resort to physical violence.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I'm with Beefche. Your loyalty is to your husband first now that you've tied the knot. It's worse to have a terrible relationship with your spouse than a ruffled relationship with your family.

By the way, your mother messed up in saying she wishes you had've married better -- but you need to forgive her for that if you haven't already. I would refrain from any conversations with her when you are frustrated in your relationship and always speak positively about your husband to her, or your husband will withdraw from your family even further. Absolutely do not share the "wishes you'd married better" comment from your mother with your husband!!!

I know this because I was so frustrated in the early days of my marriage (huge, divorce-worthy frustrations) and I would leave our house for the weekend to get away from my wife, go to my parents and spill the beans. My wife sensed this and to this day, no longer feels part of my family, she reads non-acceptance into all their actions, and they don't understand it.

She doesn't enjoy their company, and goes to family events out of obligation. My in-laws don't understand this, and don't reach out to her. All because I was disloyal in the beginning. (I was hurting really bad, and on the verge of divorce, so I forgive myself for seeking comfort, but the impact on my wife and my family was not good and I regret that).

Also, what you're experiencing is common, in my view, in the first years of marriage. Family values come together and they clash. This happened with me and my wife. It takes a while for each side to understand those values and to make adjustments -- and you are in one of those periods now.

So, first steps are to affirm your husband, your love for him, and your loyalty to him first. Get home base back on an even keel if you haven't already as he will define the majority of your life experience now, not your original family. At some point, talk to him about what happened and how he might have handled the nit-picking more positively -- perhaps when there is another encounter with your family on the horizon, or in one of those moments when it feels right to bring it up.

I would also invest in those family relationships that are still working. I there are are there other brothers and sisters you and your husband can be together with and have some positive experiences with in smaller does, without ticking off the rest of the family? Invest in those so your husband still feels part of the family. And those family members may well say positive things about your husband to the others in the family.

I think you're in a really critical point in your husband's relationship with your natural family, and please don't make the mistakes I did. Be loyal to him, and work toward restoring harmony at the right pace. Share good things your family says about your husband with your husband, and avoid long visits where your husband has to be with them for long periods of time. Share good things your husband says about your family with your family.

I set boundaries with my in-laws. I broke them a few months ago and it was sheer Hades for me. Absolute nightmarish experience (imagine a full week in a van with in-laws that drive you nuts, and then three weeks with another in-law that epitomizes all the rough spots in the early days of your marriage). So, I tend to engage in things that are only short events with my wife's family, and always try to have a socially acceptable way out if I have to leave -- I violated that recently and paid dearly in terms of personal frustration.

Also, I wouldn't beat yourself up about your decision to marry or question it as you intimated earlier. You DID ask all the right questions before marriage, and had far more open-mindedness than most people I've met. So, guess what -- you never have all the information about the person's behavior after marriage when we don't have physical relationships or live commonlaw before marriage.

It's how you deal with it now that matters. Welcome :)

And if I may share personal observations, you are so thoughtful, good-hearted, practical and intelligent I think you'll do the right thing for your marriage and your family. And if there are hiccups along the way, you will correct them and move on with grace.

Edited September 11, 2011 by mormonmusic

[Backroads]

Thanks, all.

My husband and I talked about all of this before I even posted here. Even more talking yesterday. He said he thinks our relationship with each other is good (I agree) and now we will work on our relationship (as a couple) with my family. He called his parents (his mother comes from a mostly strong LDS extended family of cousins, siblings, and grandparents who do not share the speech values my family does and do talk very crude--which explains my husband) who gave us some great advice. I feel horrible for doubting the goodness of my husband. We have talked over the standards we want for our family. In some ways I suppose I would love the ideal perfect Mormon man, but I feel I have a good catch in so many other more important areas. My husband rarely swears around my family or me and for that I am most grateful. I do kind of wish that over the weekend he kept his language a little cleaner out of respect for me, but when I look back it seems everything he said was in response to a comment from his brother or cousin.

I'm still mostly upset with my family. I think they were out of line and judgmental.

[Dravin]

In some ways I suppose I would love the ideal perfect Mormon man, but I feel I have a good catch in so many other more important areas.

That's okay, I'm sure in some ways your Husband would love to have the ideal perfect Mormon woman. And while I'm at it, I know some young girls who want unicorns and some young boys who wouldn't mind cybernetic dinosaurs.

The ideal perfect person doesn't exist, neither man nor woman.

[Backroads]

I laugh, but you speak much wisdom.

[JudoMinja]

Backroads,

Dravin pretty much covered my take on things. Anyone who physically harms another over a disagreement needs to really work on their temper and emotional control. It doesn't matter if it was a "reaction" or not. That is a dangerous sign, and if I were an available male instead of female, one I would be seriously concerned about. While our choice of words is important, it is something that everyone is going to see differently. It sounds like your family is trying to be controlling, forcing their views and opinions on you, your husband, and your in-laws. I think it might be a good idea for you to make it clear to everyone, if you haven't already, that you agree with your family's opinion about the language but NOT with their behavior. It is very wrong to try and force our views on another, or make them feel guilty about their imperfections, especially when we have our own imperfections to work on.

Also, if you haven't already heard of him or read his book, I suggest you look up J. Golden Kimball. He was a member of the seventy who was known for cursing quite a bit. Have your parents read some of his quotes. While the swearing isn't really a good thing, it is possible for your husband and his family to be good people even though they swear. J. Golden Kimball was a good man, and gave several great talks in his time. Perhaps, seeing that there was even a member of the seventy who didn't have the cleanest language, might help your family be more understanding.

I also suggest that you make it clear to your family that you will not tolerate any comments that are not supportive of your marriage decision. This man is your husband, and you are now committed to him. Your parents need to understand that and respect your decision. Many parents have a hard time agreeing with their child's choice in a spouse, but they have to understand that it is not THEIR choice, he is not THEIR spouse. He is yours. You made the decision. You love him. And while they can disapprove of his language, they should not be anything but supportive of your marriage.

[Delanie]

Coming out of lurk mode...

It sounds like you have issues with your parents having issues with your husband. Have you ever had major disagreements with your parents before?

I'm probably going to recap a lot of what has been said as I didn't read everything, but here are my thoughts:

1. Family value culture clash. Your parents raised you to be a certain way--and I'm sure with great values. If they hold tightly to those values, they probably will have issues with marrying someone who does not have those values. My opinion... there are a lot worse things than bad language. I can understand how your parents would be "disappointed"--but they also had your entire dating/engagement time to speak their minds and tell you they are disappointed. Of course, this may be a suddenly surfacing issue, but at this point it is between you and your husband. It's up to you two to decide what values your own family will have. Extra family should only give their thoughts and opinions when asked.

2. Your husband yelling at your sister was not okay. It sounds like you and your husband have discussed that between the two of you. However, your sister activating the violence was also not okay.

3. No one likes to be preached to. If your sister was egging on your husband all weekend, is it so shocking he exploded? Maybe your husband should have spoke his mind before things got out of chaos--we all have our choice of reactions. But I can't justify your sister in harassing him. No, your husband was not right to explode, but it wasn't right for your sister to bring him to that point.

4. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain, but keep praying and I'm sure you will pull through. Allow your parents the time they need to gather their thoughts and feelings. I'm thinking since it was your brother's wedding they were already stressed enough. When you and your parents talk again--as I'm sure you will-- be calm. Use "I phrases" as much as possible. Make apologies where apologies need to be. Do not be accusing, but at the same time stand up for yourself and your husband. thank your parents for the values they instilled in you. If they bring up anything wrong your husband did, only address what is valid. Only when your parents are calm should you bring up your husband's perspective--they'll be less likely to see his actions as "excuses" by then.

5. If you haven't already, sit down with your husband and decide what values and standards you will have in your home.

[Backroads]

It sounds like you have issues with your parents having issues with your husband. Have you ever had major disagreements with your parents before?

Actually... no. I'm the "golden child". I think that may be why this is such a big thing.

1. Family value culture clash. Your parents raised you to be a certain way--and I'm sure with great values. If they hold tightly to those values, they probably will have issues with marrying someone who does not have those values. My opinion... there are a lot worse things than bad language. I can understand how your parents would be "disappointed"--but they also had your entire dating/engagement time to speak their minds and tell you they are disappointed. Of course, this may be a suddenly surfacing issue, but at this point it is between you and your husband. It's up to you two to decide what values your own family will have. Extra family should only give their thoughts and opinions when asked.

That's exactly what I think this is--a family culture crash. Yeah, I do think there are worse things than bad language... the odd thing is that the friends I have had since high school (and this includes my term at BYU-Idaho!) tended to be ones that had naughty mouths. They were also incredible people.

My husband and I are trying to come to terms on certain values--on most things we do match, fortunately, but before kids come along we do want to figure out what we want.

2. Your husband yelling at your sister was not okay. It sounds like you and your husband have discussed that between the two of you. However, your sister activating the violence was also not okay.

I am mad at my husband for yelling at my sister. Yelling is a big no-no in the way I was raised. I've spent the last week thinking, however, that's hardly a big thing. Not to condone yelling, but many other families I see take it less seriously. Yes, I know my sister should not have kicked my husband. I suppose the excuse on her side would be that she was provoked, but there are better reactions. So I guess I hold both of them at fault.

3. No one likes to be preached to. If your sister was egging on your husband all weekend, is it so shocking he exploded? Maybe your husband should have spoke his mind before things got out of chaos--we all have our choice of reactions. But I can't justify your sister in harassing him. No, your husband was not right to explode, but it wasn't right for your sister to bring him to that point.

One of my husband's faults I've told him about before is the fact that he does hold things in. In his mind, it's better to try to ignore things that bother him. The problem is that it can lead to him snapping when he can't stand it anymore.

4. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain, but keep praying and I'm sure you will pull through. Allow your parents the time they need to gather their thoughts and feelings. I'm thinking since it was your brother's wedding they were already stressed enough. When you and your parents talk again--as I'm sure you will-- be calm. Use "I phrases" as much as possible. Make apologies where apologies need to be. Do not be accusing, but at the same time stand up for yourself and your husband. thank your parents for the values they instilled in you. If they bring up anything wrong your husband did, only address what is valid. Only when your parents are calm should you bring up your husband's perspective--they'll be less likely to see his actions as "excuses" by then.

Thanks for the tips. I think I needed the week to cool off and sort out my own thoughts and feelings on this. I do want to be fair about this conversation. My mother texted me not too long ago to remind me it's Soup Night (a traditional multi-family thing) and that she's ready to talk. I don't know if I am today, though. I guess I'm still nursing my wounds.

[Backroads]

So... I'm on good terms with family again. I've kept husband and family separate. I'm feeling pretty good about everything, and family even says they are okay with everything. That's what they say. In the same breath, my mother has said she is good with everything but also wants to tell my husband off. She's willing to debate if that is a good idea or not, but the fact that it is something on her mind leads me to serious doubt to if she has actually forgiven him. She wants us to come to dinners and such, but I'm afraid it will just be an opportunity for her to pull my husband aside and start World War III.

What's the best way to tell if family can coincide again?

[Guest mormonmusic]

What's the best way to tell if family can coincide again?

I would go to the event you're invited to. I would coach hubby about how to respond to any baiting or suggestions that you revisit the old event that was the source of this family contention.

I would also implement a code word between you and your hubby...(isn't this getting full of intrigue, and excitement by my reference to the use of code words? oooooh!!!). I'm serious, though. My wife and I have a code word we use when we want to leave a situation and don't want to say why (such as not being able to stand the company anymore, being offended, on the verge of losing it). Find a word that you don't use much in conversation, like Bonanza. If your spouse uses it in conversation, then that's the clue it's time to leave.

That way you can jettison out of the situation if something goes wrong without having to get private somewhere and talk about it. If your husband needs to Bonanza, then respect his desire and leave....nip any further tension in the bud.

I'd love to know how it goes!!!

[JudoMinja]

That "code word" advice is awesome! I'm sure I will be using it at some point in my future.

[mrmarklin]

It's lucky your sister didn't marry your husband!!!!