FunkyTown Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Judo? I respect what you're saying, but I disagree:It could be that he wants to grow in that aspect of his life at the same time as his wife. He might be intimidated, or feel cheated, or just not see himself with someone who isn't like him. He has that right, and wouldn't be wrong for deciding that he didn't want to be unequally yoked.Tell him: It might cause problems, it might not, but he deserves to know.That context alone means that if he is truly a righteous man he should be capable of being understanding about your past. We don't expect people who were not raised in the church to be living the Law of Chastity, because they haven't made any commitment to it. What you did, you did at a time in your life when you thought it was okay. Now that you've joined the church, you've done differently and worked to make some changes in your life. If/when you do tell him, include all the context so he knows it is truly something of the past and should not be a concern.And definitely watch "Charley" together . She basically did exactly the same thing you did. You could tell him after/during the movie as that should give you a good setting for him to be understanding, or if you are really nervous about letting someone know that might not become your spouse, one way you could do it is wait until he seems like he's thinking about proposing. Then sit him down, tell him that you recognize things are getting serious and want to give him some info to think about before he pops the question. Be honest and heartfelt, and if he asks questions about it answer them. Make it clear that you wanted to make sure he knew about that before you guys made any commitments.Honestly, if you explain it in full context, he most likely won't have a problem with it. I don't think there are very many LDS members in todays world that wouldn't be understanding about your situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Judo? I respect what you're saying, but I disagree:It could be that he wants to grow in that aspect of his life at the same time as his wife. He might be intimidated, or feel cheated, or just not see himself with someone who isn't like him. He has that right, and wouldn't be wrong for deciding that he didn't want to be unequally yoked.Tell him: It might cause problems, it might not, but he deserves to know.Point taken. I do think, however, that even if he decides he wouldn't want to marry her, he wouldn't be harsh or judgemental about the decision. I think it is very rare now to find an LDS person who would be judgmental about jellybean's particular experiences.It is something important to consider, and you are very right that some people want to look for someone with a similar level of sexual experience, whatever that may be. Maybe thats why I know I wouldn't have a problem with someone who has a "past" (as long as they are currently worthy), because I have one too. In fact, I'd probably prefer that, so that we can be- as you put it- "equally yoked".I guess what you can take away from this jellybean, is that this is something important for him to know about if you two are going to consider marriage. What he decides won't be a reflection of your virtue, but rather his preference and comfort with the situation. I doubt he will judge you, and if you two really feel you are "perfect" for each other, I think he will be understanding and okay with it though it may be hard for him at first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ctr123 Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I read a book about this once and the only thing I remember out of the whole book was that the girl told the guy and he started to feel that he didn't want to marry the wonderful woman. In a meeting with them and their bishop the young man started to tell the bishop how he wanted to marry a women who was (don't remember the exact words) righteous. The bishop than turned to the young man and said (i do remember these exact words) Young man may I please have your temple recomend. I feel that your past is between you and the Lord but I also believe that sharing such things can really bind two people if the two people will allow it. I don't feel that you should have to tell him but I also feel that if it bothers you not to tell him that won't go away. Not sure if this helps but here you go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
levrafsgirl Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 You don't have to tell him, but it sounds to me like you will always feel guilty about it. If you tell him after you are married, he might feel trapped, like "it's too late now". You don't want him to feel that way. If you tell him now and he really is the right guy for you, he will understand and even be grateful that you told him beforehand. I have no idea when a good time to tell him will be, but when it feels right, just go for it. He needs to know, and if he is as perfect as you know he is, he will stay with you. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jollyroger Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) I'd say ask him has he or would he date anyone with 'a past'? If he asks why just say you're curious. You're not his first girlfriend and maybe he already has and split up for another reason. Sometimes me and my husband discuss hypothetical situations for fun. For all you know he might be hiding something from you. He might not be as perfect as you think. You could ask him, would he want to know. He might not be bothered. Think about the consequences. Once you've done it you won't be able to undo it. We're all sinners, that's life, that's what the Gospel is for. We are commanded to forgive everyone. If the worst happens and you tell him and he ditches you for it then you'd be better off. Love is acceptance, I love my friends and my husband despite all the stupid things he's said and done in the past and vice versa. If he can't love you despite your sins then it's not love at all. Better to deal with it now than after you marry. It does seem to me that you're scared of losing a guy and that's why you broke the law of chastity in the first place. Now you're scared of losing this one. Whatever happens don't do something you'll regret you've already done that. I think you have some good advice from others here. It might not be worth bringing up at this stage. To be honest I don't know why it's such a big deal. People change and abandon sins all the time, isn't that what matters? I've had friends that broken and sinned against everything, drink, drugs, sex, porn etc and then they give it all up. I've never understood how one sinner can expect perfectness from another sinner. Edited September 13, 2011 by jollyroger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bcguy Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 Its simple, just be true-full from beginning to end. If he goes around telling everyone what you did, then he is not worth it to get married to! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 People change and abandon sins all the time, isn't that what matters? I've had friends that broken and sinned against everything, drink, drugs, sex, porn etc and then they give it all up. I've never understood how one sinner can expect perfectness from another sinner.Expecting chastity is not expecting perfection. Maybe someone does not want the possible disease or the psychological baggage or the inevitable comparisons that come with a previous promiscuous lifestyle. I hardly see why we should judge someone harshly because he or she has decided on certain requirements for his/her future spouse, even if those requirements include things like chastity or virginity.For heaven's sake, we don't judge someone harshly because he or she doesn't want to marry someone he or she finds unattractive, so why be condemnatory for a preference in an area of far greater import? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother_Anon Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 So, did you tell him? Are you happily married? Did he freak out and dump you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 Old thread. Thread closed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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