Found the perfect guy, but...

[jellybelly]

I am currently in a relationship with a guy who is everything I have ever looked for in a man. He is a perfect gentleman, served a mission, and is a righteous and faithful person. My problem is this: I don't think I am the kind of girl he wants eternally. My past before I joined the church involves a physical relationship with another man, one that I regret more than anything in my entire life, and one that made me make a mistake in breaking the law of chastity shortly after joining the church. I thought I was going to marry that guy, and my family led me to believe that the law of chastity wasn't that important, and that I would lose him if I didn't.

Now that relationship is long gone, and I have found someone that I have grown to love. But he doesn't know. I know how much he values a virtuous woman and I am afraid that he will change his mind about me when he finds out I've been "that way" with another person (for two years out of a four year relationship). Should I tell him? How far into the relationship should I bring it up? I have repented of these things, and I have been told that once I do so, it is between me and the Lord and no one else. But when my boyfriend calls me a virtuous woman, I feel my stomach plummet because I do not feel that way. Any advice?

[Vort]

Tell him.

[Jenamarie]

If he's as wonderful a guy as you think he is, then he'll understand that your past is your past, and sins that have been repented of are forgotten by the Lord, and should be "forgotten" by him as well.

If he lets it drastically alter the way he sees you (in the negative), then perhaps he's not the wonderful guy you think he is.

(and remember, since you HAVE repented you ARE a virtuous woman )

[girlygirl]

It could go either one of two ways, he can be understanding, or get upset.

Either way you need to tell him, preferably sooner then later, and make sure the moment is right. Be aware that the longer you prolong telling him could make him feel that you will hide secrets in future without telling him right away.

I think it is understandable if he has a hard time with it, it bugs him, but he is willing to get over it. I think we are human and all have that initial 'ouch' feeling- but of course we all make mistakes and as long as we repent from them things are good to go.

If he makes a big stink about it, makes you feel worthless OR even just carries on endlessly about it I would take it as a warning sign and run.

Either way honesty is the best policy, and more likely then not he will respect you more for being upfront with him.

[estradling75]

Tell him... the exact timing is up to you but it should be once you reach the point you are both talking about getting married. (Its one of those pre-marriage talks you should have)

Why should you tell him? Simple, it is going to come out at some point. If he finds out you aren't what he was expecting you to be (especially after marriage) from some other way its going to look like deception, betrayal, and lies. You don't want that. It could destroy everything you have built with him.

He needs to hear it from you. Then he needs to be given time to come to terms with it and decide what he wants to do. He might choose to break it off with you. If so that simply tells you more about him and how far along he is on being Christ-like.

[livy111us]

I disagree. DON'T tell him! That is between you and the Lord. What benefit would either one of you get if he knows? What would change? How would telling him that be good for your relationship? It would only hurt him. Believe me. I have been in his shoes and wish I would NEVER have known what happened with my spouses past and would have been content going to my grave not knowing. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

[Guest Godless]

How serious is your relationship? If it's a casual thing, then I'd say don't worry too much about it. But if you guys are throwing around the M word, then he has a right to know about your past, especially if you think this is something that could cause issues. Better for it to cause issues now than after you're married.

[Vort]

I disagree. DON'T tell him! That is between you and the Lord. What benefit would either one of you get if he knows? What would change? How would telling him that be good for your relationship? It would only hurt him. Believe me. I have been in his shoes and wish I would NEVER have known what happened with my spouses past and would have been content going to my grave not knowing. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

So there it is. If you're marrying livy, don't tell him. If you're marrying any other man, tell him.

[FunkyTown]

I would want to know, if only to let her know it was okay. That's a burden that takes some time.

Regardless, a marriage based on a lie isn't a marriage. If this is getting serious, tell him. It might change things between you, or it might make it better. Regardless, lying to him would just show you don't love him enough to trust him.

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

Yes, you need to tell him. Pray about it, and for him to have understanding. It will be tough, but he needs to know.

[JudoMinja]

If you don't tell him, and your relationship does lead to marriage, he is going to eventually find out. It's not the kind of thing you can hide from a spouse forever, and if he figures it out on his own instead of you telling him, he is going to feel betrayed. There cannot be secrets between you and your spouse. Something like that is a part of you- it's a part of your past and made you who you are today. You ARE a virtuous woman. You've repented and cleaned your slate. Just because you are no longer a "virgin" does not mean you are no longer a woman of virture.

Yes, now that you have repented it is between you and the Lord... However, it is also between you and those who were "wronged" by your actions. Though you did not know this guy then, your future spouse (possibly this guy) was "wronged".

I suggest you watch the movie "Charley" together, and tell him when the movie is over. Explain to him how you feel about it, and then give him whatever time he needs to come to terms with it. If he will be okay with it, you may have found your catch . If not, perhaps it is time to move on.

[NeuroTypical]

Why on earth would you NOT want to know if this boyfriend of yours knows how to deal with repentence and forgiveness? I mean, if he throws a huge fit over something you have repented of, isn't that worth knowing before marrying him? Do you want a lifetime with someone who flips out when they hear about a sin, or would you prefer someone who is supportive and forgiving when there's genuine repentance involved?

Figure out who he is. Tell him and see what he does. Keep in mind - he may have some skeletons in his closet too.

[Vort]

Several answers are some variation of the theme, "If he has a problem with your past fornications, he's a jerk and you're better off without him."

Why the judgmentalism? People are allowed to marry whom they wish. If a man doesn't want to marry a woman because he doesn't like the color of her hair or that she's too fat for his taste, or maybe she doesn't play the piano, or her feet are too small, he has that right. It doesn't make him evil or even petty. If he wants a woman who is into camping, is he to be condemned because he doesn't marry some young woman who doesn't like to camp?

It's possible the man will not want to marry her any longer if he finds out she is not a virgin. That is his right. Condemning him for it is ridiculous. He gets to marry any woman he wants, for whatever reasons he finds sufficient, as long as the woman agrees. And he gets to refuse to marry any woman he wants for whatever reasons he finds sufficient. The condemnation of his possible refusal is unwarranted.

[Jennarator]

Should this boy be told and he decline to marry her, then that is his choice. Could be that he decided long ago that he would keep himself for someone the did the same for him, could be that he doesn't want to be knows himself well enough that he knows it would bother him years from now. Could be many things.

Also he could be ok with with it. Point is it is up to him to decide and he should know the facts to make a good choice.

I agree with those that say it will come out, at some point so be upfront.

This reminds me of another thread where the guy knew about the past and didn't know if he should marry the girl.

http://www.lds.net/forums/young-single-adults-college-institute/41671-forgetting-my-fiances-past.html

I wwould read this thread and see if you can get any insights from it. Similar, but the OP was the person trying to get over it.

[JudoMinja]

I agree with you Vort, and I hope my post didn't sound condemning. Advising her to move on if he cannot handle her past does not necessarily mean the guy is a "jerk". It just means it would be better for her (and for him) to find someone who CAN handle it, than to get married to someone who is always going to have a hard time coping with it.

[RescueMom]

I would tell him, but only as disclosure in honesty of the past.

The fact is you've repented, you are virtuous, your sins have been forgiven. He doesn't need to forgive you, you committed no sin against him at all. That is the power of forgiveness, and if he is the decent loving good man you say he is, it won't mean much at all to him. If he understands the power of the Atonment and that you are human and made mistakes in the past and really loves you...it won't matter and it shouldn't matter. God has forgiven you, you are in good standing with the church, you are virtuous now and have learned from your mistakes...that's all he should care about. If not, then perhaps he isn't the right choice for you.

[Vort]

Having written what I did above, I will add that if he refuses to marry her because she is no longer a virgin, despite her repentance, then his understanding of the atonement is faulty and/or his priorities are confused. Still, better that he refuse to marry her than that he marry her against his own desires and end up condemning her wrongly throughout a miserable marriage.

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

I'm going to add that even if his understanding of the atonement lets him fully know she is forgiven, the physical act itself cannot be undone. His issues maybe that he is physicaly uncomfortable, knowing she has been with another man, and as the OP states, for a two year period.

Were you married to this other man jellybelly? That may also influence his decision.

[craftqueen1000]

Don't tell him

I think it's between you and the Lord

I did the same thing a few years before I meet my husband and ended up meeting the most amazing guy ever thought where have you been all my life. tried to tell him but he broke down at me saying I kissed other men so I stopped and felt this is not going anywhere just hurting him for no reason so he still does not know. we have been married a long time

I think people who where born in the church have unrealistic expectation and it's not possible to live up to them all.

still love him to bits and he loves me. The Lord has forgiving me why bring it up all the time it's forgotten learn to forgive yourself and move on. I've never done anything like that again and never will. I asked my bishop before getting married and he also said it was between me and the Lord and the sin will be remembered no more.

The UP side is we have an amazing sexual relationship and I don't think he would have got that from a molly mormon lol

[Just_A_Guy]

I remember sitting in a BYU class with Randy Bott, who advised against making such a disclosure on the grounds that the info often gets used as ammunition the first time the happy couple has a fight.

Personally I'm kind of agnostic on the issue; but just wanted to toss that out.

[mrmarklin]

If you have seen your bishop and followed the steps he gave you for repentance, you are a virtuous woman. It's as if the sin never happened in the eyes of the Lord.

There is no need to tell anyone anything.

[SuperChris]

You are probably best off only telling him if marriage looks like a probability, but before he asks. And if it does look like like a probability, then absolutely, tell him. As others have said, if you marry him then he will inevitably find out, eventually. It's best to be honest up front.

It will hurt him. That is unavoidable. There is the very real possibility that it will never stop hurting. And believe it or not, that's okay. Serious sins cause grief, even after they have been forgiven. I would only fault him for it if he decides to use it as ammunition to hurt you. As a pair of examples on opposite sides of the spectrum, I know one woman whose first husband always made it clear that he viewed her as 'used meat' (and she didn't even commit any sin - rather, she was abused). The other example is my own; I do speak from experience. It hurts. Occasionally it hurts a lot. But whatever. So I smile at her, and do everything I can to support her emotionally. I would never dream of using it to try and "win" an argument, and in fact the only time her past has even been so much as mentioned in our conversations after two years of marriage was when we were discussing how we wanted to deal with sex-ed for our future kids and she talked about things she wishes her parents had done.

The major points I'm trying to get at is that, first, if it's somebody you're going to marry, then he (and he alone) needs to know. Second, the possibilities that he'll be hurt by the revelation and the possibility that he might still be a good guy are not mutually exclusive.

Edited September 10, 2011 by SuperChris

[jellybelly]

I'm going to add that even if his understanding of the atonement lets him fully know she is forgiven, the physical act itself cannot be undone. His issues maybe that he is physicaly uncomfortable, knowing she has been with another man, and as the OP states, for a two year period.

Were you married to this other man jellybelly? That may also influence his decision.

No, I wasn't married. I was sixteen and a non-member in a family that didn't discourage such things. I joined the church at eighteen and besides the slip-up at first, stopped the physical part of the relationship and dated the guy until I was twenty. I am twenty five now.

Thank you all for the responses. Some of them were hard to read, but true nonetheless.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I would let the relationship deepen before telling him. Don't let it go off the skids immediately if you think your past will hurt the relationship. If he asked you point blank at some point, you should tell him and definitely not lie, but I wouldn't volunteer the information until the relationship is very serious, or if he asks you directly.

When I was a recent RM, the whole marrying a virgin thing was important to me. Less so now, but at the time, I wanted to marry someone who was free of sex experience. However, if I met someone who I totally loved and felt was a righteous person now, I think I could overlook that past, particularly since the atonement is central to the gospel.

In fact, if this person is a righteous as you say, and rejects you because of your past, you should raise the whole atonement concept -- as if he's truly righteous, he has to overlook that indiscretion.

Whatever you do, spend a lot of time with this person and his family. One person suggested going on a vacation with them to see how they are under a variety of circumstances. And if your experience is like mine, you're not only marryhing him -- you're marrying his family. Even if there is physical distance between you and his family, their unconscious values and traditions will reign in this attitudes and interactions with you unless he's consciously thought about those values and changed them.

I speak from long, hard experience. I went on a vacation with my in-laws a couple months ago, and then a Sister in Law visited my home for 3 weeks. There were some really disheartening values and habits I saw in that side of the family that made my home life really hard for a long time, which I finally saw purged from my wife by open discussion, and conscious attempts to remove those values and habits by my wife.

And then, I saw the family source of existing values and habits in my wife that drive myself and mychildren nuts in those visits/vacations. I indirectly married my mother-in-law, and whish I had've seen with both eyes wide open the habits that women would instill in her children, which then permeate the homes of their spouses.

Please take my advice -- you'll learn lots about whether this man really is who you think he is.

[JudoMinja]

No, I wasn't married. I was sixteen and a non-member in a family that didn't discourage such things. I joined the church at eighteen and besides the slip-up at first, stopped the physical part of the relationship and dated the guy until I was twenty. I am twenty five now.

Thank you all for the responses. Some of them were hard to read, but true nonetheless.

That context alone means that if he is truly a righteous man he should be capable of being understanding about your past. We don't expect people who were not raised in the church to be living the Law of Chastity, because they haven't made any commitment to it. What you did, you did at a time in your life when you thought it was okay. Now that you've joined the church, you've done differently and worked to make some changes in your life. If/when you do tell him, include all the context so he knows it is truly something of the past and should not be a concern.

And definitely watch "Charley" together . She basically did exactly the same thing you did. You could tell him after/during the movie as that should give you a good setting for him to be understanding, or if you are really nervous about letting someone know that might not become your spouse, one way you could do it is wait until he seems like he's thinking about proposing. Then sit him down, tell him that you recognize things are getting serious and want to give him some info to think about before he pops the question. Be honest and heartfelt, and if he asks questions about it answer them. Make it clear that you wanted to make sure he knew about that before you guys made any commitments.

Honestly, if you explain it in full context, he most likely won't have a problem with it. I don't think there are very many LDS members in todays world that wouldn't be understanding about your situation.