What do I do?

[Gwen]

This is something I've seen before.

I want you to stop for a moment and think about the last conversation you had with him.

What was it?

If it was "So and so got in to the peanut butter." "She pooped her pants." "She cried and cried today. It was so hard!" then maybe... And don't take this the wrong way... Maybe he's right and you really have nothing to talk about.

For the most part I agree with you FT but..... lol

I don't know a man that doesn't come home from work and want to tell his wife all the details. My husband comes home and tells me about all the trials they are putting in and bleaching chemicals and issues with wood chips and pulp, etc. No it's not my favorite subject in the world. The subject of wood chips doesn't excite me. But that is his life. That is what he does. He goes and works very hard to support our family. His work isn't always fun and glamorous and easy. He needs to be able to talk about that. I willingly listen. It's important to me because it's important to him.

I know the kids made a mess and got sick and threw up on me 10 times today isn't the most fun conversation and I'm sure no man really wants to come home from a day of work to that conversation. But the reality is that is her life. That is what is going on. She needs to be able to talk about her life too.

What she is often saying behind the play by play of her not so pleasant day is "This is my life. It's not glamorous, maybe not even what I planned. It's what it is. I need some support and understanding. Help me not lose myself in all the throw up, to not define myself as one that it's ok to throw up on. I need a friend, partner and help meet too." As mom's we also talk about all the mess because we are worried about it. If I'm giving a play by play of how one of the kids has had a fever for 2 days and such that's important. I'm worried, maybe it's worse than I thought. I'm worried about dehydration, etc. I need to be able to talk it out and process it, get another point of view and make sure I didn't miss something.

These are our children and should be the most important part of our world. To dismiss that and tell her you don't care or want to hear it (or that subject is "nothing to talk about") is to tell her her work isn't important and your children aren't important. That hurts.

All that said you are right. For the sake of both of them (her probably more than him) she does need other things to talk about.

[Bini]

Funky, while you make good points, I feel your evaluation of the situation is off track.

I think a relationship with good communication can handle all the small talk that exists. There's days I'll talk about the most trivial day to day things and my husband is such a great sport about it. He's even said he loves that I just talk to him, and that I'll talk to him about anything and everything underneath the sun. In fact, just recently, I recall a conversation about smeared Nutella on the side of the kitchen counter that has somehow been missed for a couple of days because it was dried on hard! Not a terribly exciting discussion but we chuckled over it, and hubby then couldn't resist pointing out how he couldn't believe it because I'm such a clean freak. It goes the other way too. My husband is a contractor and works long hours throughout the day. He's a professional while on the job, so when he gets home, it's an opportunity for him to unwind and give me the 411 on "the goods, the bads and the uglies" of his current project. A lot of the time it's the same report.. He's tired, a couple foreman aren't pulling their weight or taking instruction well, etc.. But I listen and I feel great that he can share whatever is on his mind. I don't see it as griping, and days that I feel like he is, that's my cue to then say, "What can I do to help with the stress?".

Eta: Oops, no you DO make a good point Funky, after all we're talking about a relationship with seemingly poor communication. I just wanted to add that in general, a relationship with good communication should be able to handle all the small talk that one can muster up. But I'm seeing your point more clearly. I agree that if there's poor to no communication, small talk may come across as absolutely nothing to really talk about. Definitely, finding a hobby or as I've suggested, doing date-nights, is one way to make new memories and start new conversation.

Photogirl, I didn't see a comment regarding one of my first suggestions. Have you considered this? If so, hopefully the two of you can plan something soon and get the ball rolling! If you need to make the initiative - do it.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Bini

[photogirl]

I'm not the one with nothing to talk about. I have a million and ONE things I would love to talk about with my husband. But it's hard for me to strike up a conversation about anything with him when I don't feel as though he listens or wants to talk and that's why the other day I asked why he never talked to me anymore. And after hearing, we have nothing to talk about, I felt a little troubled and sad. I certainly didn't want to talk to him then! [i have some anger issues and if I'm upset I say really horrid things so try no to have conversations if I'm upset.]

And no, not all of my conversations are about my daughter, but geez louise! She's our daughter! Since when is it okay for a wife/mother not allowed to talk about her child with her husband. That's just silly.

And Bini, yes I've considered date nights, but we don't have a babysitter. At all. So we'd have to take out daughter, which is what I'd prefer, but sometimes I'd love a little time to ourselves.

And I have lots of hobbies. I read, write, walk, I'm a photographer, I play with my daughter, I'm a young women's leader, I am a co-captain of a new Young Parent Group that meets every month.

I'm not without fault in this situation, but I don't feel as though I'm the one lacking.

[Bini]

[i have some anger issues and if I'm upset I say really horrid things so try no to have conversations if I'm upset.]

Me again..

I've been there too. In fact, I've dealt with bipolar and manic depression for years, and during those times I've said some pretty awful things myself. When you're on the verge of exploding with anger, I agree that walking away is the best answer for the moment. There are just some things that once said can never be unsaid. I don't know whether you struggle with depression yourself but if you do, this is something to address, even if you're currently on a medication. It's not uncommon for the body to adjust to dosages and even the drug to where it is no longer effective. Just another thought..

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

I'm not the one with nothing to talk about. I have a million and ONE things I would love to talk about with my husband. But it's hard for me to strike up a conversation about anything with him when I don't feel as though he listens or wants to talk and that's why the other day I asked why he never talked to me anymore. And after hearing, we have nothing to talk about, I felt a little troubled and sad. I certainly didn't want to talk to him then! [i have some anger issues and if I'm upset I say really horrid things so try no to have conversations if I'm upset.]

And no, not all of my conversations are about my daughter, but geez louise! She's our daughter! Since when is it okay for a wife/mother not allowed to talk about her child with her husband. That's just silly.

And Bini, yes I've considered date nights, but we don't have a babysitter. At all. So we'd have to take out daughter, which is what I'd prefer, but sometimes I'd love a little time to ourselves.

And I have lots of hobbies. I read, write, walk, I'm a photographer, I play with my daughter, I'm a young women's leader, I am a co-captain of a new Young Parent Group that meets every month.

I'm not without fault in this situation, but I don't feel as though I'm the one lacking.

If you really feel you are doing everything right how do you expect us to help him? We are only communicating with you, not him. There have been a few good suggestions to start, but we can only do so much to give you advice. Now if you were the one telling us you have a hard time talking to your husband and what could you do to change YOU it would be different, but he is not here asking, what more advise can we offer than support for you?

At the same time, I will add a bit more. It seems like you mentioned he is willing to goto counseling with you, this maybe a good start for both you and him. Also the date night doesn't mean you need to leave the house, just put the kids to bed and watch a movie, play a board game and talk with some snacks, cuddle on the sofa etc, etc.

Again, if you are convinced the issue is not with you, then he will need the desire to change before anything we've suggested or will suggest will help.

[photogirl]

If you really feel you are doing everything right how do you expect us to help him? We are only communicating with you, not him. There have been a few good suggestions to start, but we can only do so much to give you advice. Now if you were the one telling us you have a hard time talking to your husband and what could you do to change YOU it would be different, but he is not here asking, what more advise can we offer than support for you?

At the same time, I will add a bit more. It seems like you mentioned he is willing to goto counseling with you, this maybe a good start for both you and him. Also the date night doesn't mean you need to leave the house, just put the kids to bed and watch a movie, play a board game and talk with some snacks, cuddle on the sofa etc, etc.

Again, if you are convinced the issue is not with you, then he will need the desire to change before anything we've suggested or will suggest will help.

I know no one can change him unless he wants to change. I know that I can talk until I'm blue in the face and he won't change.

I just wanted to hear some suggestions for things that I could try to help him. That's all.

Also, we live with his parents. We sleep on the floor in the living room. So, we don't really have control over the television or the couch. [not making excuses, but it's a little challenging to go and do anything or have alone time when you live with inlaws.]

I never said I was without fault though. I'm sure I've got something to do with it. Sometimes it's harder to see faults with yourself.

[photogirl]

Me again..

I've been there too. In fact, I've dealt with bipolar and manic depression for years, and during those times I've said some pretty awful things myself. When you're on the verge of exploding with anger, I agree that walking away is the best answer for the moment. There are just some things that once said can never be unsaid. I don't know whether you struggle with depression yourself but if you do, this is something to address, even if you're currently on a medication. It's not uncommon for the body to adjust to dosages and even the drug to where it is no longer effective. Just another thought..

I'm not on any medication, but I've been struggling with depression ever since our daughter is born. [And I don't want to take medication for it.] I had a bout of depression before I met my husband, but it was situational and as soon as that situation disappeared, my depression resolved it's self.

[Bini]

I'm not on any medication, but I've been struggling with depression ever since our daughter is born. [And I don't want to take medication for it.] I had a bout of depression before I met my husband, but it was situational and as soon as that situation disappeared, my depression resolved it's self.

If you are currently struggling with depression of any kind, you need to consult a physician and talk about options. If that means talking about medications, it's a conversation that should be done. The quality of your life and your family life is important.

[photogirl]

If you are currently struggling with depression of any kind, you need to consult a physician and talk about options. If that means talking about medications, it's a conversation that should be done. The quality of your life and your family life is important.

I understand that. But it's not affecting my life really. It's only slight sadness. I'll be okay. I've been praying and reading about how to stay happy.

[rameumptom]

I didn't read all the responses, but I would suggest you begin by just having one night/day a week for a date. Develop a joint hobby, perhaps one of his interests, where you CAN have something in common to discuss.

I'm guessing that with the child, you have focused so much on the baby and him on his video games that the commonality is no longer there. For a lot of guys, having to go out of the way to get some special wife attention soon grows old, and so they find their companionship elsewhere (often in video games). So, regrow your romance. It won't happen overnight, as the problem didn't just occur overnight. Little by little, by having one special evening together without the baby, will allow you to reconnect and redevelop your relationship.

My wife and I have been married for 25 years, and we still have to work on our relationship. Just last night, we started our first clog dancing class together. Now, we'll have something common to do together every Wed night for at least a year. Just like the family car, Marriage relationships require regular maintenance, or they begin to stall and finally die on you.

Edited September 15, 2011 by rameumptom

[Dravin]

I don't know a man that doesn't come home from work and want to tell his wife all the details.

I'm such a man, so is my Dad (that is don't tell the spouse all the details of the work/school day). There is also a difference between having a conversation about your day and just recounting a bunch of stuff that happened. The "she pooped", "she cried", "she got into the peanut butter". Is the same level of stuff as "I drank 6 cups of coffee", "the bathroom was out of soap", "Joe was listening to Glee without headphones again" Those kinds of things are different than, "They are cutting hours at work so the budget is going to be tight this money, we need to talk about how we can tighten things up." and "Jimmy was an absolute terror this morning, I think we need talk about on being consistent in disciplining him."

[Note: The key here isn't the direct invitation to talk about something, but that what is being shared is being shared in an effort to engage in an effort to start dialog on the subject being presented.]

Also, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with venting in moderation or in extenuating circumstances. It's just the little vents like "he puked" or "Sam was doing that weird breathing thing he does when he's working on an Excel formula" aren't really conversation starters, not in isolation, as you mentioning it's often seeking commiseration/sympathy (to some degree or another) which while it can lead to conversation isn't primarily doing so. At least I don't consider, "Excel breather again." being responded with, "That sucks." or "Timmy cried all day." being responded with, "I love and appreciate you, let me make dinner." to be a conversation.

It is communication though, and that's a key point. Communication is not the same thing as conversation, and it sounds like for the OP that break down of conversation is because of a breakdown in communication. Though maybe I've just got weird ideas of what constitutes a conversation.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Dravin

[MarginOfError]

though maybe i've just got weird ideas of what constitutes a conversation.

grunt

ugh

hirrr

[Dravin]

grunt

ugh

hirrr

You left out, "Binford 2000" and "More power".

[Gwen]

Maybe part of it is I'm from the south. We can turn anything into a conversation. Say hi to someone waiting in the line at the bank and you will end up in a conversation. So yes "you wouldn't believe what this idiot at work did" or "the kids are sick and i got puked on 8 times today" are conversation starters. lol

[Dravin]

Yeah, for me "Hi" is not a conversation starter, it's an acknowledgement of existence, but then I grew up in the north. :)

Edited September 15, 2011 by Dravin

[Guest Godless]

Yeah, for me "Hi" is not a conversation starter, it's an acknowledgement of existence, but then I grew up in the north. :)

There's parts of the north where people acknowledge your existence? Weird.

[Dravin]

There's parts of the north where people acknowledge your existence? Weird.

Yep, we're friendlier then supposed. We even have a one fingered hand gesture to acknowledge someone's existence while driving.

[yodabrooke]

Sounds like to me your depressed, I Know how it can be if your at home all day and with kids. Get out of the house and do some really fun stuff. Like ask your local sears for some Refrigerator boxes and build your daughter a play house. That is something to talk about. Do some fun play date with friends now with that said......

Also every once in a wile get a baby sitter for when he gets off work and do something special with just him :) you need and and so does he. Get your friend back girl crying wont do it i know Ive done both.

[FunkyTown]

I don't think it's really about "Did you talk about the kids?" but "Do you only talk about the kids?"

It's expected that one will say something about the kids - They're a major part of the couple's life.

But if they become the sole reason for one's existence, then one becomes two-dimensional, flat and dull.

For the most part I agree with you FT but..... lol

I don't know a man that doesn't come home from work and want to tell his wife all the details. My husband comes home and tells me about all the trials they are putting in and bleaching chemicals and issues with wood chips and pulp, etc. No it's not my favorite subject in the world. The subject of wood chips doesn't excite me. But that is his life. That is what he does. He goes and works very hard to support our family. His work isn't always fun and glamorous and easy. He needs to be able to talk about that. I willingly listen. It's important to me because it's important to him.

I know the kids made a mess and got sick and threw up on me 10 times today isn't the most fun conversation and I'm sure no man really wants to come home from a day of work to that conversation. But the reality is that is her life. That is what is going on. She needs to be able to talk about her life too.

What she is often saying behind the play by play of her not so pleasant day is "This is my life. It's not glamorous, maybe not even what I planned. It's what it is. I need some support and understanding. Help me not lose myself in all the throw up, to not define myself as one that it's ok to throw up on. I need a friend, partner and help meet too." As mom's we also talk about all the mess because we are worried about it. If I'm giving a play by play of how one of the kids has had a fever for 2 days and such that's important. I'm worried, maybe it's worse than I thought. I'm worried about dehydration, etc. I need to be able to talk it out and process it, get another point of view and make sure I didn't miss something.

These are our children and should be the most important part of our world. To dismiss that and tell her you don't care or want to hear it (or that subject is "nothing to talk about") is to tell her her work isn't important and your children aren't important. That hurts.

All that said you are right. For the sake of both of them (her probably more than him) she does need other things to talk about.

[skippy740]

Yep, we're friendlier then supposed. We even have a one fingered hand gesture to acknowledge someone's existence while driving.

That's probably the same sign people tell me that I'm "#1" all the time!