abandoned by family and children

[shebish]

I am posting to this forum and seek any comments or suggestions to ease my burdon. I have been divorced for almost 2 years and remarried. My ex husband was physically, emotionally and financially abusive with me. I endured being shaken, yelled at and being controlled in many ways. I was never allowed any money, never allowed to have friends or to even go anywhere without him. In order to stay with him I was taking meds for depression, anxiety and sleep to be able to withstand the way I was treated. Finally when I could take no more after 19 years and he had started to push me and cause bruises and hold me hostage I decided to divorce. This caused the greatest anguish to my soul as I knew that I could no longer have that wonderful loving eternal marriage. It caused my children great anguish and anger towards me that I would "dare to destroy our family." I know that I did the right thing but I am feeling such anguish to my very soul. My parents would not support me in my decision. My family chooses not to believe the torture and agony I was in for 19 years of marriage. My father told me that perhaps it would be better to stay than to be single and that perhaps we were just angry with each other. My children know how my ex spouse treated me and how he would abuse them but they choose to live with and support him. I feel so very alone except for knowing that the Lord knows the truth of the situation and I feel his sustaining love. It is so difficult to endure the loss of support from my family and feel that I am all alone in this world with the exception of the Lord in my life. But I know that the day will come even on the judgement seat of the Lord that the light and truth will come forward. But how does a person get through this difficult situation of standing alone in this life, enduring the lies and deciet that others inflict upon you even though you pray and read the scriptures for there are many times that I feel so totally alone in my life. Please help me to know how to bear such a burdon as being abondoned by your family and children.

[RMGuy]

What you have experienced, if it happened as you have described it, is pure evil.

-RM

[Guest mormonmusic]

I have felt some of that, but in a different way. When I joined the Church, I lost my parental and sibling support in many ways. There is still a huge gap that I regret....but your situation is more intense from the sound of it.

How do you get through it?

1. I would write down your reasons for making the decision you did in your journal. Read those reasons, as well as the liberation you feel now that you are free of the marriage. They will strengthen you in carrying the burden. You may even forget some of those reasons years hence and the reminder will strengthen you in bearing the burden.

2. Forge new friendships. This can be on your own terms, with who you feel drawn to reach out to. I currently reach out to a family that struggles financially, providing them with services of a kind that are meaningful to them on a regular basis. Although I'm not seeking this, it has led to great kindness and love from them. It warms my heart and makes me feel a sense of belonging in this world, outside my regular family.

3. The BoM indicates that when people are suffering, fasting can help you feel better "by degrees" -- I can't remember the quote, but fasting when you are hurting can ease the emotional pain.

4. Recognize that it will take time. I hate to say that, but "Patience Mode" is a place that each member of the human race needs to get familiar with. It is everywhere, from trials in health, family and relationships. Learning to persist during Patience Mode is an important skill to achieving personal peace. Recognize that and look at what you're experiencing as development of that important skill.

5. Keep reaching out to your family members even though they are rejecting you for now. Do it in ways that are meaningful looking at it as fertilizer that will take an unknown amount of time to make the relationships blossom again. When opportunities arise, and family members ask, share your reasons, the tension with the eternal family concept, etcetera. Avoid saying or doing things that feed their belief that what you are doing wrong. Feed the relationship, starve the conflict.

6. I wouldn't rule out connecting with other divorced women; the support of other people in similar situations can be wonderful. One person in our Ward attended a divorce recovery group and found it VERY helpful.

[garryw]

I have been divorced for almost 2 years and remarried.

It is so difficult to endure the loss of support from my family

If you are remarried your parents are not your family. Your husband is. It boggles my mind that someone in her 40's would care what her parents think. As far as the kids go, again, they are secondary to your marriage relationship.

[Vort]

3. The BoM indicates that when people are suffering, fasting can help you feel better "by degrees" -- I can't remember the quote, but fasting when you are hurting can ease the emotional pain.

Pretty sure you're talking about Alma 47:18. Lehonti would most certainly have felt much better by fasting.

On a more serious note: garryw, salting a wound is both unkind and unnecessary.

[Sunday21]

I went through similar with my husband but my family supported me. A big difference I know! I try singing hymns when I remember the situation. Afterall what can you do about the past? Your family and friends will understand in the next world. You may have to wait for that! Sometimes all you can do is to move on!

[JudoMinja]

shebish- What you have gone through is horrible. I've experienced everything you've described and more in my relationship with my ex-husband, and that marriage only lasted about a year. My experience was quick and intense and very scarring. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil caused by enduring through an abusive relationship over a long period of time, though many people have done so. Add to that the emotional turmoil of familial rejection and I am sure there is no depth to your pain. I was lucky to have a supportive family, or I would not be where I am now. That you have been able to bring yourself to heal enough to remarry in two-years time without family support is exemplary.

First, I want you to understand that you cannot blame your children for not understanding. Having been raised in that environment, they will naturally expect it to be the "norm". Children who experience abuse are far worse off than adults, because they have no foundation, nothing to compare it to in order to know that it is wrong. They may not be as psychologically scarred from the experience as you are, but they are certainly suffering the reprecussions and just don't even realize it- as they have never known anything better. They love their father and do not want to be separated from him. It is going to take much time, learning, and empathy for them to ever understand your position or why you chose divorce. They love you too, and because they do not understand why you would break the family apart your decision has hurt them deeply. It will take time for that to heal.

Your parents are another matter. Many adults will blind themselves to abuse right before their eyes. While they should have been supportive of your decision, it sounds like they are fooling themselves into believing what you went through wasn't "all that bad". They didn't go through it. They don't want to believe it. They probably like your husband and think you are being stubborn. Shame on them for discounting your turmoil, but it is simply a part of human nature that we try to hide from the bad things we just don't want to believe.

Writing has always been a great help to me, and I wrote quite a bit about my experiences right after separating from my ex in order to cope with them and come to terms with them. I went to therapy, and did a lot of reading and studying to try and understand what I'd gone through and how to avoid something similar in the future. Two books in particular helped me a lot, and I recommend them to everyone I come across who has gone through something similar-

Dangerous Relationships by Noelle Nelson and

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward

[Sunday21]

I found it helpful to do volunteer work with abused women - just a thought. One day in a support group, the counselor went aroung the room asking each woman if her husband had performed the following behaviors, e.g. cried to get his way, hide things, lied about things that didn't matter. It was really healing to find that EVERY woman had experienced the same behaviors as if the men were reading off the same script! What was amazing was the wide range of personalities and ethnic backgrounds in the group. We had everything from very agressive to very agreeable women, everything from nurses, professors, consultants, and those on social assistance. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the victim's personality or life circumstances.