Don't feel like I belong

[dsholly59]

I do not feel like I am a member of my ward's Relief Society. I am epileptic and bipolar. Sisters are constantly telling me that giving me rides is an inconvenience. When I sit ouside of the RS room no sister invites me to come in and join them. When I do sit in the RS room no sister sits next to me. I feel like a leper. People don't invite me to activities in their home because "I might have a seizure." I have not had one in 6 months. I am coming close to leaving the church or going inactive because of this. Any advice greatly appreciated.

[rameumptom]

I suggest you quit acting like a victim, and start acting like a servant. When you serve others, you will find they will be more generous back to you. Those sisters have many issues of their own, including their own families and struggles. Perhaps some of them could use a little assistance from you?

Yes, you have some disabilities. That does not make you unable to help others. When people take you to church, when was the last time you gave them cookies, or something nice to show them you appreciate their going out of their own way for you?

Then, consider this. A social life is not the primary reason to go to church. If you are thinking of going inactive, because the sisters ignore you, then the problem lies with you, and not them. You should attend as part of your worship of God. Perhaps you need to look at your priorities. They seem out of kilter.

BTW, you are not the only person who has ever felt left out at Church. Unless someone needs something from me, I'm almost never called by members of my ward. No one hardly ever invites me over to their homes. Yes, it would be nice to be invited on occasion, but I do not take offense. We are all busy. We all have our struggles. I focus on what I can do for others, rather than sit around waiting for them to entertain me and my ego. Sundays are for worshiping God for me, and so the friendships I sometimes make are only an extra blessing for me, and not the main reason I attend.

[skippy740]

I'm going to be a little bold and it's going to sound rude (but that's not my intention). Nor do you need to directly respond to these questions.

Okay?

1. Do you shower before attending church?

2. Are your clothes clean?

3. Do you brush your teeth?

4. Is your breath fresh?

5. Is your hair clean and brushed?

6. Do you smile? (Or do you have a "oh woe is me" look on your face?)

In order to attract good things in your life, you must be 'attractive'. The first part is how you take care of yourself on the outside.

(BTW, if you need help in those areas or in cleaning your house up... that's part of how the Relief Society helps. And I've seen some really dirty homes of members of the church.)

If you're sitting OUTSIDE the RS room... other sisters may think that you're more comfortable 'in your own little world' and don't want to disturb you being comfortable.

Not having had a seizure in 6 months is still not a long time. My father is epileptic and had a couple of months ago had 3 seizures in one day (a record for him).

However, no one shys away from my father because 'he might have a seizure'. He smiles and is usually pleasant to have around. He doesn't see too well, but he has learned to laugh at himself.

[LeKook]

I do not feel like I am a member of my ward's Relief Society. I am epileptic and bipolar. Sisters are constantly telling me that giving me rides is an inconvenience. When I sit ouside of the RS room no sister invites me to come in and join them. When I do sit in the RS room no sister sits next to me. I feel like a leper. People don't invite me to activities in their home because "I might have a seizure." I have not had one in 6 months. I am coming close to leaving the church or going inactive because of this. Any advice greatly appreciated.

I know from experience, that if my demeanor is negative, people respond to me negatively. When you're with the sisters, what do you discuss? Is what you have to say encouraging, edifying, positive? People are drawn to the positive. Keep negativity at home and get involved.

Why are you sitting outside the RS room? If you're outside, insist on being let in!!!! :) Participate. Smile. Where you can, in whatever capacity, serve.

[Jean]

I have found the most friends when I'm serving with them. If I sign up to help with a dinner (funeral or whatever), a service project, cleaning the church, etc. there is usually plenty of people to talk to. It is much easier to get acquainted with people when you do activities together. Christmas is coming and there are usually plenty of activities associated with this. Talk to your Relief Society president or the compassionate service leader on what needs might be out there. Sitting in a Sunday meeting or even sitting beside someone is not the best way to have any indepth conversations with people.

[bettyjbass]

Hello, I have so much diffrent reasons that is to not like the relief society. I feels inside my heart, and mind the gossip between women, and my spirit becomes very lowly. When someone may ask me at church are you going to come into the relief society. I am very annoyed of how women takes the meaning of relief society wrong, where as it suppose to be a relief society for women of God, daughters whom suppose to have love, peace, and compassion. It is not for us to be discussing negative against one another. Although I have never been a person who likes to sit around a bunch of complainers. We suppose to go to service our hearts to God, and invite peace into our lives for service as women who should love everyone.

[LeKook]

Betty, I understand where you're coming from. I've had similar thoughts about Relief Society. But I went to the monthly meeting on Wednesday, and really enjoyed it.

Sometimes what I think is negative talk about another is just concern for the person being spoken of - the concern is expressed differently than how I'd express it, so I think it's negative or gossip. But it's not. We all express ourselves differently.

There are a few women in my ward who are a little bit standoffish, they just don't want to be bothered with anyone. I've found it best to just leave them alone, that they don't want to talk to anyone. I'm not going to push them to talk if they don't want to.

If you don't really know anyone, walk up to them and strike up a conversation. Most don't mind!

The best way to stop feeling left out is to work your own way in - find the folks who aren't looking like they fit in either (they're easy to spot) and make friends with them. Look around for things you can do to make everyone's life a bit happier, and do those things. Share something from a book you've read that helped you, and then loan them the book to read for themselves. Make a plan to go to lunch with someone. Invite them to an activity that you think they might enjoy. Ask what their needs are, or if you spot a need they're not mentioning, offer to help fill it.

If you're not one to sit around a bunch of complainers, then don't be a complainer, LOL! :)

Try a couple of these ideas. I felt left out and on the sidelines, too. As I allow myself to accept these women for who they are - including their weaknesses - I'm finding I have more love for them, and am less inclined to judge them based on how I perceive them. I don't have any children, and am married to a non-member of the church, so it's difficult for me to fit in, but I'm working on it. :)

[deka55]

I think most of us would be surprised at how many sisters in Relief Society do not feel like they belong. Most of us have felt that way at one time or another. It is often even more pronounced in areas where there is constant change such as college wards or military wards. Our Relief Society recently underwent a change of presidencies. The previous presidency was made up of a variety of ages and ethnicity. The new presidency is all very young mothers who previously did not attend Relief Society. It is difficult for the older sisters to feel they are represented or understood. I think we have to remember the reason we attend. We attend to be uplifted, edified, instructed and to serve. The Gospel is true and will always be true. Sometimes it is not easy to feel we belong. We just have to believe Heavenly Father does not make mistakes. It is not as if what happens in our lives and the lives of those around us takes him by surprise. If we focus upon others and not upon ourselves, we often find we gradually feel we belong without realizing when it happened.

[pam]

I think most of us would be surprised at how many sisters in Relief Society do not feel like they belong. Most of us have felt that way at one time or another. It is often even more pronounced in areas where there is constant change such as college wards or military wards. Our Relief Society recently underwent a change of presidencies. The previous presidency was made up of a variety of ages and ethnicity. The new presidency is all very young mothers who previously did not attend Relief Society. It is difficult for the older sisters to feel they are represented or understood. I think we have to remember the reason we attend. We attend to be uplifted, edified, instructed and to serve. The Gospel is true and will always be true. Sometimes it is not easy to feel we belong. We just have to believe Heavenly Father does not make mistakes. It is not as if what happens in our lives and the lives of those around us takes him by surprise. If we focus upon others and not upon ourselves, we often find we gradually feel we belong without realizing when it happened.

And perhaps this very young group of mothers called to the presidency are called just for that reason. To learn to have an appreciation for the older sisters in the ward. It gives the older sisters an opportunity to support and sustain and to teach these new young sisters. It's all about attitude.

[annewandering]

some wards are just more welcoming to everyone. i have been in some wards that take a saint to want to go back. :) others just pull you in like you have been there since you were a baby.

I would not take it personally even though that might be hard. Maybe they need you there to cheer them up. :) Maybe you need to be there to learn to be more outgoing and welcoming yourself. Just look hard at the situation and you most likely can find a place.

Its a lot more easy to be cynical and hurt. Been there, but its not worth staying there. :)

I have found that people tend to discuss other people because they are concerned or happy for them not because they want to gossip. its part of taking an interest in the people around you and relating to them. of all the parts of the church the relief society is the most supportive and encouraging to me. Lately they havent been coming and i really miss them. have to remember to call and ask about that. :)

[bettyjbass]

I think most of us would be surprised at how many sisters in Relief Society do not feel like they belong. Most of us have felt that way at one time or another. It is often even more pronounced in areas where there is constant change such as college wards or military wards. Our Relief Society recently underwent a change of presidencies. The previous presidency was made up of a variety of ages and ethnicity. The new presidency is all very young mothers who previously did not attend Relief Society. It is difficult for the older sisters to feel they are represented or understood. I think we have to remember the reason we attend. We attend to be uplifted, edified, instructed and to serve. The Gospel is true and will always be true. Sometimes it is not easy to feel we belong. We just have to believe Heavenly Father does not make mistakes. It is not as if what happens in our lives and the lives of those around us takes him by surprise. If we focus upon others and not upon ourselves, we often find we gradually feel we belong without realizing when it happened.

deka55: Praises out loudly to what you have posted back in respond. I truly recommend the words you have spoken that is effective to the heart of mine. I know entirely about how in women we come to serve and not to be serve. I am and very people person to know that to be loved is to give love back press down shaken together and runnth over. Where as a woman with provision, purpose, prayers, positive, and position to interreact with the scriptures being understood that women are great inspriration to the church to fellowship together loving one another for God, inside the church. That is enabled me, through many gifts and talents for our heavenly father God. I just sometimes feels a long for the many of reasons being different to be understoof, when dwelling with such a srong spirit where many people/women do not understoof the great faith that can be a much more cleaner with strong dicernment of the spirit of God. I find myself to be look upon mistakely, and by my husband whom a pastor, and having to interceed with my faith daring in many performance by God, to be tested with the belief that is so strong and determine not to lose the true church in authority for my belief is very spiritual with effective faith baring, and daring in pondering daily with the Word, of God on many levels with everyone all around the globe, even networking with many other minitries. I am such more than can be explain, with being part of the true church for eleven years baptized as only the heavenly father knows, not just to be look at because of my skin color or whatever else displaced, that includes to even how the women in relief society has few women that I can feel the strong outward flesh so quickly to judge. I look pass alot when the heavenly father knows whom working to be in the higher heaven celestrial kingdom, as the moroni mormom church do know about the three heavens. But I will keep devoted, and fastng, praying more than what is asked, and praise to God, in reading the scriptures no matter what the world say. I have suffered so much from a littlie girl, now as a woman/daughter of God, who is it to make one feel not belong? I have belong to the heavenly father before I was concieved even out of the womb of my mother sinnful womb. Amen!

[bettyjbass]

Sister annewandering: I trutly understand what you posted, because there is nothing like being around sister's on many levels whom needs to experience answers from interceeding in guideness through one another. I can reach out and ignore those whom just are women that complains, gossip. where as my spirit could be more needed for women that will help there spirit to rise above in belonging, and learn from each other that will enables our strength to build as sister's. I love everyone seen and unseen. Amen!

Let's start this prayer interceeding for women whom may need this: Heavely Father God, whom is in the heavens, allow these words to touch whom may feel that they do not feel belong in the church, and allow your word to interceed through your power for the believers and unbelievers to come together in ever diffculty of trials from the world or homes we are around, and gives us our daily bread to ponder and read agaisnt those who do not believe, as to touching the hearts of those that believe that have not the feeling they do not belong, and make a new testimony within the growth of our minds to lay down gossip and evils from other's that do not see the true hearted workers that inspired by the bible and book of mormon to aid the soul that comes together for the purpose plan by you father God, for we love you, and all that you have done in our lives. In Jesus Name. Amen!

[LeKook]

I joined the church on Sept. 4 of this year -- felt like an outsider. Since the last time I posted here (what, a month or more ago?), I have been to all the RS meetings, participated in service projects with other sisters, and joined the choir. Yeah, it was tough for me, I'm a bit of a loner. But people are getting to know me and vice versa, and it's all good. :)

[bettyjbass]

LeKook, Amen sista you stay strong with the buliding of faith abides within your heart whom over come and outlast the thoughts of it in all. Because there are other women that may need your assitance, so you to hang in RS society for those that feels they do not belong. I am blessed to here of your post it has inspired my heart that interceeds answers in prayers. Amen, with a double Amen!

[elsbeth]

I suggest you quit acting like a victim, and start acting like a servant. When you serve others, you will find they will be more generous back to you. Those sisters have many issues of their own, including their own families and struggles. Perhaps some of them could use a little assistance from you?

Yes, you have some disabilities. That does not make you unable to help others. When people take you to church, when was the last time you gave them cookies, or something nice to show them you appreciate their going out of their own way for you?

Then, consider this. A social life is not the primary reason to go to church. If you are thinking of going inactive, because the sisters ignore you, then the problem lies with you, and not them. You should attend as part of your worship of God. Perhaps you need to look at your priorities. They seem out of kilter.

I know this might be a radical idea, but maybe -- just maybe -- the members of her relief society are closed-off, judgmental shrews. Just because someone is Mormon that doesn't mean that they're automatically a good, friendly, welcoming person. It's entirely possible that the women of her RS are cliquish.

Furthermore, I find it very unhelpful, and perhaps even mean, to tell someone who is feeling sad and alone that they're being a "victim," and then berating them for not "serving" others. dsholly59 came to the boards obviously upset and wanting help, and all you've done is judge her.

Those who are feeling left out and isolated are most in need of attention and acceptance. dsholly59 is dealing with problems that are going to make her feel out-of-place. The problem is, church is the one place where she SHOULD feel accepted, and the behavior of the RS women has failed to enforce that feeling. For all the talk of feeling "one with God," most women who are attending RS and talking about bake sales and whatnot are probably not "bake selling" for the Lord.

dsholly59 still human, with human emotions and perceptions, and expecting her to not be affected or influenced by her surroundings is irrational and insensitive. Furthermore, she doesn't need to go to church to have a strong relationship with God.

dsholly59, or any other women who are experiencing something similar: do your part to build a relationship with your RS members, but if they're unwilling to befriend you, don't worry about it. Not everyone fits in with certain groups. If it's important to you, attend the RS meetings, but don't make it a social thing. When church is over, go home and spend time with people who value you for you.

[jayanna]

I have had some extremely negative experiences in and with RS. I have in the last couple of years discovered that it is becuase a certain sister has a personal problem with me, and just about a dozen other sisters in the ward. I cannot possibly convey the disappointment I have felt with my ward leadership concerning their acknowledgement and total lack of response in this issue. Unfortunately there are cliques everywhere, everywhere including the church. Sometimes they like to pick a victim to squash and smother and hate until they get tired and move on to someone else.

For a while I wanted to go to another ward just so I wouldn't have to deal with the hate, gossip, and vicitmization. I tried sneaking in to help in the nursery, volunteering in Primary, the library, sitting in the hallway... and it didn't matter, she would actively seek me out and complain about me to anyone that would listen, inluding my bishop who chose to believe her and my husband who didn't.

I finally spoke with the stake pres. about it. He helped me so much. He already knew about it! I thought I had to stay at church to keep my recommend. He said that I did not have to go to RS to keep my recommend, or even stay for that hour at all if I didn't want to. He did suggest that I go, and said that whatever it is that is said I should make a note of it and study every thing there is to study about it in the gospel. That way when it is my turn to be in a leadership calling I'll be prepared and I'll know right and wrong about how to treat people.

It is strange, but I feel so empowered now that the bullying that has been done to me and several others has been acknowledged. I have been able to move on and I have been doing a ton of missionary work through the family history center and my job. I have been getting a lot of family names ready for the temple and have gone to the temple to do them. I have made friends with a new member in the ward who joined in a similar situation to mine when I joined. I have developed in just about every other direction, so that one hour of the week seems so small as to almost be insignificant.

[Lysesses]

I suggest you quit acting like a victim, and start acting like a servant. When you serve others, you will find they will be more generous back to you. Those sisters have many issues of their own, including their own families and struggles. Perhaps some of them could use a little assistance from you?

Yes, you have some disabilities. That does not make you unable to help others. When people take you to church, when was the last time you gave them cookies, or something nice to show them you appreciate their going out of their own way for you?

Then, consider this. A social life is not the primary reason to go to church. If you are thinking of going inactive, because the sisters ignore you, then the problem lies with you, and not them. You should attend as part of your worship of God. Perhaps you need to look at your priorities. They seem out of kilter.

BTW, you are not the only person who has ever felt left out at Church. Unless someone needs something from me, I'm almost never called by members of my ward. No one hardly ever invites me over to their homes. Yes, it would be nice to be invited on occasion, but I do not take offense. We are all busy. We all have our struggles. I focus on what I can do for others, rather than sit around waiting for them to entertain me and my ego. Sundays are for worshiping God for me, and so the friendships I sometimes make are only an extra blessing for me, and not the main reason I attend.

Your right she does need to revamp her thinking and discover her worth. Perhaps she and other sisters who are feeling the same way are acting like victims because up until now that is all they have known in their life. What a blessing it is to have relief society to help women who have been treated like victims all their lives to learn there is a difference between being a servant and being submissive. Suppose you are in a garage and it's filled with cars and tools of every kind to fix these cars. And all the mechanics are looking at you and saying be of service and grab the right tools and fix the ping ping noise in this car. Yes, the tools are all there but, do know what they are or how to use them much less figure out what and how to take what ever apart to fix it. Being a mechanic is a learned skilled. Doesn't mean that you don't know how to utilize skills of service out side of the garage shop. If I happened to be in a garage with my son in-law and his friends who are mechanics, I will not just jump in to help because I don't know the ends and outs of the garage shop and my efforts to help may end up slowing the process of their work. Instead I will stand back and watch, if someone were to say hey grab the tool that looks like.... and bring it here for me. Cool, I have been of service. Maybe a small step but, I know that I have helped which makes me feel good. I have learned about a new tool and something else it can be used for. Sometimes as a sister in a new environment such as relief society feels the same and shouldn't be expected to know all the ropes even if they were born members. And for most of us self esteem and self worth is also learned and gained in small steps. Perhaps instead of feeling annoyance (which trust me, your sister who feels out of place can and will read, will internalize your vibes as she is not worthy enough and will eventually effect the sister hood as a whole) you could be part of the solution by inviting the sister who doesn't feel she fits in to help with a meal at a church function or to tag along and be a chaperone for the youth. If she says she doesn't know how or what to do, just smile and assure her it will be fine that you just need an extra hand. This way she can transform into the beautiful sister she is meant to be while gaining herself respect and self-worth at her own pace. A win win for everyone. You would be surprised at how much a sister who feels out of place can feel accepted and also so humbled honored and blessed by such a kind gesture. How awesome you will feel about yourself watching that transformation grow a step at a time.

Edited December 14, 2011 by Lysesses
miss spelling and more clarification.

[sister_in_faith]

If going to RS is bothering you enough that you are considering going inactive, I would suggest giving it a break, and not going for a couple months. See if that helps.

[shine7]

I'm not saying I didn't learn from each of you, I read all of your posts and did learn good things from you and your insights. My feelings/response:

Oh really????

Relief Society isn't a place for some social interaction and acceptance???

Well, then that must be why I am a lonely widow and neglected in my ward. And why I look for other people in R.S. that seem to be alone so I can hopefully lift their day, whether that happens for me or not. That's why my R. S. presidency counselor brushed off my need to talk briefly to her about an upcoming activity and acted like I was offending her by talking to her.?? That's why the current R. S. presidency in our ward doesn't visit the widows, every so often?? (when I was in the presidency, we visited 3 to 5 sisters per week, for whatever that's worth in this post)

That is why I agree with elsbeth's comments above. Lay off this dear sister.....she came here to get comfort and she mostly got chastised. What would Christ do if she went to Him, to tell Him what she was feeling?? Would He send her on her way without emotional comfort?

Maybe our society as a whole is waxing cold in love, but is that any reason we as lds women should follow the world in waxing cold in our love and compassion???

Edited December 19, 2011 by shine7