marriage and death

[ptsmith86]

Hello everyone.

I posted in another thread about dating and impending death due to a terminal illness and received some pretty good advice.

If a man had some type of terminal illness, but met someone very special, someone he cared deeply for, and she has similar feelings, is it right to get married? What about temple marriage? Is there a way to get a "quick" temple marriage if both already are endowed? Is it right to even try to do something like that if he only has a few months before returning to the Heavenly Father?

What happens if we both passionately love one another but are not married? is it fair for her to be left a widow and to have to potentially have to chose to get unsealed? Are we doomed to be tormented for eternity?

I thought this was a really nice short article and very on point:

Young Widows in the Church: Are they disadvantaged? |

Thanks for any help in this.

Paul

[JudoMinja]

Death is impending for everyone and has little effect on the eternities. Those who have terminal illnesses are just much more aware of it than anyone else as they have a potential "expiration date" ever present in their minds. The decision to marry needs to be a careful one, no matter your circumstances. Knowing specifically what challenges you may be facing in the future can be helpful in making that careful decision, but there are many people who marry with absolutely no idea what is going to be thrust their way. Is it any less fair to marry someone who dies in a car accident shortly after the wedding?

What happens if we both passionately love one another but are not married?

To this- I have a scripture:

Alma 34:34 "Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world."

If you truly "passionately love one another", do you want death to separate you? If you are unmarried in this life, then you will be unmarried in the next. While that may mean that the still living person can then find marriage with someone else, it also means that your relationship meant nothing as far as eternity is concerned. I think it would be wrong to have a passionate relationship with someone you don't intend to marry, no matter the reason. There should either be no relationship at all, or you should get married. There is no inbetween, no fence sitting.

The two in this relationship would need to counsel together and pray together and come to a decision. Either you love each other enough to marry and enjoy what short time you have together, knowing that you will be together again in eternity. Or, you need to break th relationship off altogether to avoid living in a sinful state that will remain with you in death.

[Tyler90AZ]

I still love my wife the same and it has been worth it every step of the way.

[ptsmith86]

Thank you for the advice Judo, I think you replied to my previous post on this topic,

Just to be very clear, when I say passionately, I don't mean anything beyond such overwhelmingly strong feelings of the most pure sort of love and kindness between us. In fact, we have never kissed.

I have never thought or ever been taught that feelings like this would be considered wrong or would even remotely be considered living in sin.

How in the world could this be cosidered living in sin any more than a couple who are engaged are? And more in her defence than in mine, neither one of us has broken the Law of Chastity as of yet.

P

[JudoMinja]

Thank you for the advice Judo, I think you replied to my previous post on this topic,

Just to be very clear, when I say passionately, I don't mean anything beyond such overwhelmingly strong feelings of the most pure sort of love and kindness between us. In fact, we have never kissed.

I have never thought or ever been taught that feelings like this would be considered wrong or would even remotely be considered living in sin.

How in the world could this be cosidered living in sin any more than a couple who are engaged are? And more in her defence than in mine, neither one of us has broken the Law of Chastity as of yet.

P

Sounds like you're fine then. I interpreted "passionately" as how one might love a husband or wife and either having broken the LoC or having the potential of breaking it. I still think though that it would be wise to make a decision one way or the other. Much as I feel that once a decision has been made to get engaged, the couple should hurry the marriage along as quickly as possible while still giving a respectful timeline for those who want to attend.

Your last topic (the one about dating) and this one, keep getting me thinking about the film "A Walk to Remember". If you haven't seen it, I think you should watch it. Very touching, and... I think based on a true story? Can't remember.

Anyway, I still hold to the addage "Live each day as if it were your last, while planning as if you have forever". Or, as stated in another great film "Sieze the day"- from The Dead Poet's Society. Don't be afraid to LIVE just because death is right around the corner. In fact, because death is so obviously imminent, one should be that much more willing to make every moment count.

[Jennarator]

I stand by my post from the other thread. 'tis better to have loved and lost....

I feel the same even after reading the link. I tried to put myself in the situation and I feel that I would still marry a person that I knew was going to pass away.

See your bishop for a temple refferal. He can helpwith the timeline on how long it will take.

[ptsmith86]

I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with leaving her behind alone for so long. Why should she have to live her life in torment like that.

[Bini]

I don't have an answer for you but on a much smaller scale I can relate to your concern. My husband and I have a big age difference. The gap between us was big enough that friends and family were initially unsupportive when we were courting. Before we got married my husband confided in me his concerns about him being so much older and the reality of him passing long before I do. There was even a point where he began to back-pedal and told me he felt it would be wrong of him to marry me because I still had my whole life ahead of me. It was a difficult discussion to have but it was addressed. I'm under no illusion that our age gap will become more of an issue as time goes on. I understand that there may come a day when my husband will be entirely dependent on me to care for him. But I know that I love him with all my heart and I would and will do anything for him. We just had a baby and although this chapter may be much later in life for him - we're both overjoyed with having started a family together. My point is that time is not always on our side but what's important is what we do within that time.

[Jennarator]

I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with leaving her behind alone for so long. Why should she have to live her life in torment like that.

I can understand this, however if she is aware, it is as up to her as it is, you. Remember this life time is so short.

Bini mentioned her husband is older, so he just might leave her or become a burden. Yet, she realizes it will be worth it. SHe is excited to have a family with him, and knows what she is doing.

[ptsmith86]

I don't have an answer for you but on a much smaller scale I can relate to your concern.

It sure seems like a sucky plan from my point of view and I mean that in a respectful but nieve and indeering way!

[ptsmith86]

Oh that sounded bad, I didn't mean that Bini was sucky, just some of the decisions and choices we are forced to make to learn from seem challenging.

[Jennarator]

Oh that sounded bad, I didn't mean that Bini was sucky, just some of the decisions and choices we are forced to make to learn from seem challenging.

I didn't think you thought that!

I was just pointing out that this woman you are thinking of marrying know what she is getting into. Talk about with her, as I am sure you have. Just stay open with her.

[ptsmith86]

There was even a point where he began to back-pedal and told me he felt it would be wrong of him to marry me because I still had my whole life ahead of me.

This is EXACTLY where I am at! She has her whole life ahead of her.

For me, and she has already told me she feels the same way, it seems like the most right thing we have ever felt in our lives. But when you think aobut it, how can it be right? Chances are we will never have children together. What are we doing this for, a few weeks of bliss?

[Vort]

I can't answer your question. I am so sorry for your position.

If it were me, I think I would marry the girl. Selfish? Perhaps, but if a righteous action (marriage) feels right, it seems the thing to do. I cannot answer the eternal marriage/multiple sealings question, but I do not believe that God gave us this knowledge to prevent us from marrying, nor do I believe that following the Spirit into marriage could result in eternal bad things.

My feelings, for whatever they are worth to you.

[ptsmith86]

Thanks everyone for the counsel.

-Paul

[JudoMinja]

I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with leaving her behind alone for so long. Why should she have to live her life in torment like that.

I've been thinking about this and wanted to add:

It is not your fault you are going to die. If she truly loves you, she is going to feel torn with your departure no matter what. She is going to mourn and grieve your passing and wish you could have lived a longer life. That is inevitable, and not your fault. There is nothing you can do to change it.

You can however, make the moments you have memorable. Make your life FULL even if it will be short, and share every moment of joy and happiness you possibly can together. This will give her good memories to look back on when she is missing you.

In a way, it sounds like you are grieving before the day has even come. If you spend your time grieving now, the opportunity to build wonderful memories will be lost. Make each moment count. "Sieze the day". Be the best you possibly can be, the brightest, the kindest. Fill your moments with love, and she will thank you for it.

[ptsmith86]

Thanks Judo!

You sound exactly like she does in this post

I've been thinking about this and wanted to add:

It is not your fault you are going to die. If she truly loves you, she is going to feel torn with your departure no matter what. She is going to mourn and grieve your passing and wish you could have lived a longer life. That is inevitable, and not your fault. There is nothing you can do to change it.

You can however, make the moments you have memorable. Make your life FULL even if it will be short, and share every moment of joy and happiness you possibly can together. This will give her good memories to look back on when she is missing you.

In a way, it sounds like you are grieving before the day has even come. If you spend your time grieving now, the opportunity to build wonderful memories will be lost. Make each moment count. "Sieze the day". Be the best you possibly can be, the brightest, the kindest. Fill your moments with love, and she will thank you for it.

[Madriglace]

This is EXACTLY where I am at! She has her whole life ahead of her.

For me, and she has already told me she feels the same way, it seems like the most right thing we have ever felt in our lives. But when you think aobut it, how can it be right? Chances are we will never have children together. What are we doing this for, a few weeks of bliss?

You are thinking in the here and now ... alter your view to an eternal perspective. If you love each other as much as it sounds take a look at it another way ... would you rather be without her now or without her for eternity? The way I see it the choice is simple. Asmall time here or all blessings promised for eternity.

I have to remember the first thing I thought when Pres Hinkley died ... now he gets to be with his sweetheart forever.

[Bini]

Madriglace, great post.

This is something I personally wish to strive towards, a temple marriage for time and eternity. My husband and I may have a little more time than some, and less than others but to be worthy and have a temple marriage is what will ultimately keep our family together. We still have a long ways to go until we get there..