Protecting Your Children From Pornography? Once They Stumble?

[Somebody]

I know this is a rather sensitive subject, but I don't know where to go at the moment and it's nice to go somewhere where you are anonymous as you try to get a perspective on some things. I've had a bit of a "surprise" this morning, and I'm not sure what to do. My 12yr old son has always been the kind to turn his head, look away when something/someone is really unmodest, seem embarrassed by it, etc. Basically avoiding stuff leading along those lines. He's also proven himself to be very trustworthy up until now. Apparently, not anymore.

Hubby and I know he's masturbated- caught him at it. DH has talked to him about it and has given him "the talk" previously. DH tries to be very kind and nice and open about talking about sex stuff, as his parents were so hard core the opposite way that there were NO such conversations and when they found porn in the house they went into denial and insisted that it must be the neighbor kids, not even questioning their sons- which caused a lot of problems, obviously. DH doesn't want to repeat that mistake and tries to keep the lines of communication open with our children, to let them know that they can always come to us and we will always love them, even when they make mistakes. You know, that sort of thing. And our 12yr son has come to hubby, and asked questions, and talked about the bad language at school, the dirty talk and even occasional porn that he's been exposed to at school. (This is his first year of public school since kindergarten, we've homeschooled previously.) Communication was happening, we thought he was getting the message, that he was armed with info and strong enough to resist.

So this morning, I ran into some really ugly stuff in my internet history. Apparently, my son has been looking at pornography online. Five separate times last month, nothing so far this month, that shows up anyway. It started with a search for sexy girl images and searches on how sex works and related stuff. (Isn't this why we talk to our kids about sex, so they don't feel the need to go looking elsewhere? I guess it didn't work...) Then he started looking up stuff related to nudity, sex and his favorite fantasy characters (Star Wars, Ben 10, video game characters like Zelda. Scarey what happens when you internet search using such a combination of terms- just evil). This led him to some really graphic stuff, which he searched and clicked on over and over and over again. I looked at some of it and was really disturbed. We're not talking about suggestive pictures of girls in scanty underclothes here, it was bad. A handful of it was video. I couldn't stand to look at all of it. I've estimated 150-200 searches/hits between those five days. Some of it was for sure while he was supposed to be doing homework, while we were right around him in and out of the room- search for geography landmarks- next, search for porn- next back to geography. I remember that day. This is for sure him.

We've talked with him about computer rules, what to avoid, how to just click out if something bad pops up. He doesn't have unlimited access, he gets on for school work and we give him permission to be on there on occasion for fun (if he asks first) but where our computer is in the main room where everyone comes in and out and because he's not given us reason in the past not to trust him and the open talks he and DH have, we thought things were okay. Stupid, stupid. No wonder when we asked him this month if was interested in getting a temple recommend so we could take him to go do (proxy) baptisms for the dead (I have some ancestor names I've saved for him) he just said he'd think about it- when previously he had expressed interest for when the time came. I had wondered what was up.

DH says it's a hard age- says the wind can blow wrong and stir up feelings it can get so bad with all the hormones, and that it's common for kids get curious- plus such stuff is everywhere. DH understands, but he also knows we need to nip this now before it gets worse. We thought things were okay though already, this has come as a surprise that it got this far- where son was actively looking for porn. I could just cry.

How do we handle this so it helps him and doesn't push him away? I also wonder about the boys he walks home from school with. One of them we know- a neighbor. The others we don't. Son has never liked one of the boys (a friend of his neighbor friend) but suddenly last month started saying how great he was. It makes me wonder if there's any connection, and if/how to pursue it. If we asked son, would he even be honest? If we contacted other parents to be aware that their sons might be looking at porn, too, would it help or would it just shame son and push him away? I've been taking him to school, maybe I need to pick him up, too. He takes an hour or more to get home- says he's talking with friends. I did that when I was a kid, stand on the street corner with my friends and talk for an hour, so I never thought anything of it, but now....

Is there any software I can put on my computer to prevent him from getting this stuff again when he is online for homework and stuff? The less expensive, the better, as money is very tight and we're already trying to squeeze blood out of turnips around here. Hubby is going to talk with him tonight (no boy wants to talk about this with his mother) and any free and even slightly unsupervised for a moment computer time for him is over.

What about other ways to help him and keep pornography away without pushing him away? At what point does he need to talk to a bishop? He was just made deacon quorum president last month, he's the kind of boy people look at and say "amazingly good kid". I don't want to embarrass him in front of anyone, or make him feel like we "tattled" on him or force him to go in. We want him (to do whatever is necessary) because we want to help him and want him to repent and do better because he wants to. We've never pushed him to "be good", at least we haven't thought so. My parents were the pushy "you will do this because I said so or you will go to hell, end of discussion" types while DH's parents were the "my kids can do no wrong, don't talk to me" types so we try to be careful to remember honest communication and agency and kindness in our house. Guess this shows that even when you think you are doing okay, you aren't.

Oh, and do porn sites have a way of blocking their site being recorded in the internet history? I noticed a lot of google image and regular type searches and just some actual websites. When I clicked on some of the regular type searches in the history, it pulled it up and some of the links on the search page showed up purple instead of blue, indicating they had been clicked on, but those pages don't show up in the internet history. It seems odd to me that he would only delete some of the relevant browsing history and not all of it, so was wondering if it was possible it got blocked from being recorded in the first place. If so, he looked at a lot more than is showing up in the history.

This is our oldest son, we've never had this level of parental concern/issue before, and it's a bit overwhelming at the moment. Please, advice. Thanks!

Edited November 8, 2011 by Somebody

[Just_A_Guy]

As far as filters go, K-9 is a decent beginning--it's free at least. It certainly isn't foolproof; but it will slow him down.

Most browsers today have "stealth mode" that will let your web activity be untraceable later. I don't know whether that's what you're running into or not.

I would try to make him a part of the process--have him openly suggest ideas and ways to keep away from the stuff. Once you've got him into "problem-solving mode" rather than "I'm caught mode", it might be a good time to gently suggest that the bishop may have some good ideas, too.

[Dravin]

I suggest using a router or DNS based filter instead of something local as it cuts down on access. I talk about OpenDNS here: http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/41406-monitoring-internet-history-computer-other-states.html#post614247

[HEthePrimate]

I don't know what you may have already taught him, but one thing I would suggest is that you make sure he knows the facts about sex. Not only the mechanics of it (though that's important), but also about relationships. It might help to talk a bit about the differences between the way men and women think, how to bridge the "gender divide," and how to communicate respect for girls and women. Your son probably already knows that the Church frowns on pornography use, but it might also help to talk with him about how pornography can distort one's thinking about sex and relationships, and create unrealistic expectations (real women don't look like those pictures!), and how pornography use can disrupt relationships with real-life women.

Another thing: Don't panic. Viewing pornography is not at all uncommon, even for LDS boys. Even though the danger of addiction is very real, just because he has looked at pornography does not necessarily mean he has an addiction. That remains to be seen. Overreacting and dumping guilt and shame on him could actually be counterproductive, make it more difficult for him to stop looking at porn, and make him less likely to feel comfortable talking with you. Let him know the problematic nature and potential dangers of pornography, but you don't want him feeling as though he is evil, or that all hope is lost, because then he might just give up.

A couple of practical options: You could get an Internet filter. They may not single-handedly solve the problem, but they can help. You obviously already know how to check a browser's history. Also, you might consider putting the computer in a public place like the living room, where he's less likely to be alone.

I'm glad you're looking out for your son--he's lucky to have a parent like you.

[Windseeker]

Protect your system without installing anything -

The first thing you should do is configure Family Filter OpenDNS on your router.

OpenDNS - Parental Controls

It's really simple and free and will cut out 99.9%.

If you have Vista or Windows 7 setup Family Safety.

Protecting your kids with Family Safety

If you don't mind installing a program on your computer look into K-9.

Do everything you can to secure your home and after your home is completely secure know that the chance of him encountering Porn again is 100%.

So you need to explain what to do when encountering porn. Pretty much turn it off, leave, flee whatever and then sing a hymn or something to get the image out of his head.

Just some thoughts -

He needs to understand there are victims of pornography, and how people are trafficked and exploited. With each click he's in a small way enabling and encouraging the victimization of women and children. Let him know that if it goes unchecked it could bind him in chains and destroy his marriage and family. If you think he's mature enough do a search thru the marriage folder on this site and see all the marriages that have been affected by it. Let him know also that his desires and feelings are natural but they need to be held within bounds. If he does he will be free and will enjoy a beautiful relationship with his spouse where he can one day share and explore all his desires.

Edited November 8, 2011 by Windseeker

[annewandering]

Oh and be sure to scan your computer right now if you havent already. Those sites have are infested with viruses and malware.

[girlygirl]

My heart goes out to you. I would say guilt only can make this seem more 'taboo' and forbidden and can become a BIGGER problem, so voice yourself, but don't lay on the guilt so thick, it can be counter productive.

Something you might want to try is teach him to 'love' these women. I know it sounds weird, but put it in this perspective, we should care and respect these women. By objectifying them to gratify ourselves we are not doing this.

We are supporting these ladies selling themselves short, losing their self respect, and furthering themselves as individuals. You should maybe show him a documentary the passionate eye on human trafficking in Russia. There are tons of sexy Russian lady ads then you see that these ladies thought they were going to someones home to be a nanny and get kidnapped into being a sex slave- crazy stuff!

Again, monitor his internet usage. My husband is extremely respectful to woman and had this problem when he was younger. He often fought with himself about what he was doing was wrong to his fellow sex, but it is so tempting when so many sites link up to this stuff

Its tough. I do not envy you. Also educate him about pavlovs dog, if he 'trains' himself to be turned on by only those types of women, he will not be able to preform with a real life woman.

Pretty tough stuff for a 12 year old- poor little guy!

[RescueMom]

Tony Porter: A call to men | Video on TED.com

Maybe this video will help.

Also, can his computer he does homework on be moved to a place that is more open? where he can't be alone with it?

I made the move of one computer in the den, when my son and his friends got curious, and made new computer rules.

[RMGuy]

Good catch Mom!

You have gotten good advice above. I'll reiterate a few, and add a couple of items.

1. Address it.

2. Don't overreact to it. (A lot of kids, including LDS kids and girls not just boys look at this kind of stuff. That doesn't make it right or ok, but it also is 'normal').

3. Remember that anything YOU do isn't as important as what HE does. What I mean is that you can put filters on the computer, you can limit his computer time, you can pick him up from school, drop him off, prohibit him from certain friends. All of those might be good ideas or bad ideas, but unless he decides he doesn't want to look at this stuff then all that will happen is you won't know about it, because he will still find a source. This has to come from him. You can help him, but you can't force him.

4. How you act will in large measure determine how he reacts. You know him better than anyone here. Use that knowledge wisely. Tailor what you do, to what he needs. Some kids need dropped on like a ton of bricks. Others just need a caring ear that says, I know you did this, do you want to talk about it? The wise parent knows which is called for when.

Best of luck

-RM

[Martain]

I see someone already mentioned K9 webfilter. Personally, I use it and it's great! If you use it, make sure to also check the category for image searches.

However, this is a two fold issue.

On one hand you have the pornography which leads to masturbation.

On the other hand you have masturbation which leads to pornography.

Like a hydra, cut off one head without cutting off the other, and it will simply just grow back.

A deadly poison, more addictive than alchohol, your son is playing with liquid fire that will burn him hotter and more deeply than you know.

Also, just like smoking and alchohol are gateway drugs into a wider field of terror, unchecked, these too will lead to those sins which if committed are second only to murder.

If he hasn't already, he needs to confess what he has done to his bishop. He needs to understand the seriousness of what he has done and go through the repentance process.

Ultimately though, it will be upto your son whether he truely repents or not.

What you must make sure of though, is that he has a complete understanding of the atonement process because once these chains bind him, there is only one power in the universe which can free him. That is the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Definiately remove all potential for him to access such material in your home lest some of the responsibility of his sins be visited upon your own.

I like the suggestion above about having him read the heartbreaking stories of the women whose marriages have been destroyed because of these things.

In thinking about his situation though, I thought to say something that I otherwise might not.

Please prayerfully seek and rule out the possibility of an external individual have sexually interacted in some way with your child.

Prayerfully because if someone has, children will often disassociate or repress the memories of such events. Though repressed, such events are not forgotten and unresolved, like a seed, similar to how violence begets violence, hatred begetting hatred, will often give birth to more sin.

If such an event has occurred, and you are able to bring it forth through the light of personal revelation, based on your rights to receive such due to your responsibilities of stewardship, and you do what you can to resolve it now, you will save your son untold suffering and sorrow.