Abuse Of Elder Parents

[illustrator1]

It is hard to know where to begin to describe how I feel. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I try every day to live as a committed Christian. I believe in and love Jesus Christ with all my heart, but I am not a fanatical evangelist trying to convert other people.My youngest son (aged 31) does not attend church and says that he does not believe in God which is his choice, of course! He does not live with me,but now I come to the point. Three years ago I was widowed, my husband was a good and kind man with a love for our church. My son has become increasingly controlling and psychologically abusive. He curses me, using the most profane language, and gets very nasty and aggressive. He humiliates me in front of friends and on occasions when we have attended the supermarket together, he takes things out of the shopping cart telling anyone at the top of his voice that I am a useless shopper and wasteful with my own money and I am nothing but a so-and-so idiot. His abuse has escalated recently with him telling a visitor that I owed thousands of pounds to a bank. This was a blatant lie, and I was so shocked and hurt because he seemed to want to hurt me. On the one hand my faith teaches me that I should be a loving mother who should never give up on her children, but how do I continue to cope with a son who does not seem to respect me, although on some level I think he loves me. I live on a very low income, being on a widows pension, (I am 56 years old), yet he is always demanding money and never returns the favour.

Does anyone know what I should do? I must also add, that this has been getting increasingly worse over the years.

[shanstress70]

Just for your info, this is a non-LDS perspective...

It is horrible that your son talks to you in this way. I don't think you should be around him until he stops it entirely. I definitely don't think you should give/loan him money.

You are not giving up on him if you choose not to be around him when he treats you this way. He would be the one making the choice.

I would give him an ultimatum.

It sounds like he has some issues of his own that he needs to deal with. Perhaps you should suggest therapy for him.

I'm sorry, and I hope this gets better for you.

[Gwen]

Hannah, i'm not sure from your post, do you live with or very close to your son?

I agree with shanstress70 you do not, nor should you put up with this. i know this is your son and you love him not what he is doing. as a child of god you must respect yourself enough to know when to say, my son is grown, i can not make choices for him, i did the best i could, now i must let his heavenly father deal with him.

we had a sister here whose grown son lived with her, he started bringing home drugs and when on those drugs became abusive. she ended up having to call the cops and get him tresspassed away (simmilar to a restraining order). he got very angry and would stand across the street yelling ugly things at her. i spent a lot of time on the phone convincing her it was the right thing and to ignore him. several months later she got a long apology and he began getting help for the drugs. he is still not allowed in the home, but they do go for walks and he is finaly getting it and coming around. every case dosen't end this way and i don't know where things will be two years from now, drugs can be an up and down ride. but she now knows it was the right thing, and he knows mom will not allow that behavor around her. if this is his choice he is choosing not to see his mother.

if you do live with him or rely on him for financial or matinance help around the house talk to your bishop or rs pres. they can help you with those things and help release you from the abusive situation. this is not ok.

god bless

ALmom

[StrawberryFields]

Great Replies Above :)

Okay so this son does not live with you so why do you allow him to be part of your life?

Where are your other children? I would think that they would be very unhappy with him treating you this way.

You mentioned that you lost your husband I am sorry to hear this. Could this be part of the reason for this sons abuse? Is he taking advantage that his father isn't around to do these things?

If I were to see someone acting the way he did the the store HE would be the one I would think was being foolish not you.

I think if this were happening to me that I would call a family meeting and inform the rest of the children what was going on. They should be the ones to see that your needs are met and that the youngest son stays in line. They might also be able to shed some light on why this is happening.

[illustrator1]

Thankyou for those people who replied to my topic. I have felt so desperate to know what to do in this situation. My mother (who is 87 years old and a very strong lady) has been telling me much the same thing, but as she wasn't a member of the church I was worried that I was shirking my duty as his mother.My son doesn't live with me but he has harassed me by calling around every day. When his Dad was alive he did not break the rules, we never smoked ourselves (my husband had cancer and couldn't breathe) so he was asked to smoke on the back doorstep. After my husband died he would walk into the house with the lit cigarette hanging from his mouth. Then about a year ago the abuse began. It was a gradual thing, firstly just the occasional bad tempered remark, then came the insults and the abuse grew in strength as the weeks went by. What I cannot understand is what I did to precipitate this but I cannot put my finger on it. I know that he has friends who do smoke wacky baccy and take other drugs, but my son always said he was clean. Yet there are times when he has come into my house and gone through the food cupboards like a tornado and binged on platefuls of food. I never minded feeding him, even though I do struggle on a widows pension.

I once jokingly said to him, if he was a husband I would have sought a divorce, but how do you divorce a son who is your youngest? My other grown children are abroad. There are no other relatives apart from my mother who lives in her own home close by. Maybe one day I will come to understand why this is happening but right now it just breaks my heart

[illustrator1]

Hi! Almom, Thankyou for your helpful comments. My son lives very close to me. about ten minutes walk away. I was grateful for your comment to let Heavenly Father handle him. I have seriously wondered whether I have somehow contributed to this situation, by not standing up to my son more. I hate confrontation, and he knows it. I do feel better for having brought it out into the open and having shared it with someone. Thankyou once again for your advice.

Hannah2

Hannah, i'm not sure from your post, do you live with or very close to your son?

I agree with shanstress70 you do not, nor should you put up with this. i know this is your son and you love him not what he is doing. as a child of god you must respect yourself enough to know when to say, my son is grown, i can not make choices for him, i did the best i could, now i must let his heavenly father deal with him.

we had a sister here whose grown son lived with her, he started bringing home drugs and when on those drugs became abusive. she ended up having to call the cops and get him tresspassed away (simmilar to a restraining order). he got very angry and would stand across the street yelling ugly things at her. i spent a lot of time on the phone convincing her it was the right thing and to ignore him. several months later she got a long apology and he began getting help for the drugs. he is still not allowed in the home, but they do go for walks and he is finaly getting it and coming around. every case dosen't end this way and i don't know where things will be two years from now, drugs can be an up and down ride. but she now knows it was the right thing, and he knows mom will not allow that behavor around her. if this is his choice he is choosing not to see his mother.

if you do live with him or rely on him for financial or matinance help around the house talk to your bishop or rs pres. they can help you with those things and help release you from the abusive situation. this is not ok.

god bless

ALmom

[Gwen]

Hannah it doesn't matter if you did something to "bring this on" or not. he is an adult and responsible for his behavior reguardless of how anyone acts around him. this is true for all of us. no one "makes" us behave badly, we choose to in response to their behavior. in my view you are shirking your motherly duties if you do not set this straight.

The Family A Proclamation To The World "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, ...,to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. ... mothers and fathers will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."

Although he is an adult and responsible for his own choices you are still his mother and teacher. his behavior is in violation of Gods commands in many ways, but most obviously honor thy father and mother. it is in violation of what is socialy ok, and as his mother you need to make this clear to him. he may not hold the same beliefs as you, but you have the right to have your beleifs respected in your home. if someone cannot respect you and your beleifs in your home they have no right to be there, not even your children. i know this is not easy. teaching our children is not easy, i have been chastized by the Lord on more than one occasion. loving our children dosen't mean letting them get away with wrong, sometimes it means letting them deal with the natural consequences of behavior. if you are concerned about how he will handle being confronted ask your bishop or home teacher to be there to support you since no other family is close enough. you have the right to be safe. also seek a priesthood blessing of comfort, your father wants to be there for you.

Pray, he was Heavenly Father's son first. our Heavenly Father loves you and him, he will know what to do and how to guide you to set this right. it seems like you already have ideas of what you need to do, you just need some support and encouragment to do it. i am not here yet, but when i have something hard to do i say a prayer, confirm that is what must be done, read this quote and then do my best to go forward in faith.

"… If you have that testimony [of truth] on your side, you can pass through the dark valley of slander, misrepresentation, and abuse, undaunted as though you wore a magic suit of armor that no bullet could enter, no arrow could pierce. You can hold your head high, toss it fearlessly and defiantly, look every man calmly and unflinchingly in the eye. … You will know that all will come out right in the end; that it must come; that all must flee before the great white light of truth, as the darkness slinks away into nothingness in the presence of the sunburst."

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, 17: A Testimony of the Truth, Introduction, 163

pray and stand on truth, your Heavenly Father will guide

ALmom

[illustrator1]

It is with tears that I write my words of thanks. I think that I have been so close to the problem that I could not see the truth, although I went on the web and tried to read as much as I could to try and see what it was that was happening to me,This morning my son let himself into my house with the key, and I was sleeping, (it was quite early) I opened my eyes and looked at him quietly as he stood over me. You needn't look at me', he said. So I said I want to talk to you and he said 'I'm not discussing it'. I knew then that he was not sorry or repentant for his past abuse, and he is so arrogant, sneering at me and grinning, I told him that I did not want him coming to the house whilst he was so angry and that I needed my key back, He took the key off the key ring and just threw it at me, then he stormed out of the house banging the door,In a way I feel a sense of relief that he did not get physical but I just have the great sense of sadness that he wouldn't talk to me.I do pray hard every day about this, and I have prayed in the London temple, I got so desperate before I posted my message that I even thought that I would have to pack up my home and move, but I am happy here and I didn't really want to leave all my friends and neighbours. I agree with you that he is an adult now and must take responsibility for what he does, what makes it so hard is knowing that of all my children, he has received more support and help than any of the others. I kept thinking 'If I do this, he will change,' or 'if I do that he will see the error of his ways' but my patience has made him worse. I never thought to read the family proclamation though I have it in my home. It has been such a blessing to read another viewpoint and gain insight into this desperate situation, I am so grateful to you. In regard to my beliefs, despite the fact that he was brought up in the faith and attended Primary and Young mens, he has rejected all that he has been taught, He has never held a job and dropped out of University after we had funded him for a year, He says that the only thing that he loves in the world is his dog. He won't allow me to mention my church calling (I am Second councillor in Relief Society) a calling I love,and he now lives on welfare! he says that he intends never to work because he hates people 'they do his head in'. I sometimes wonder how it is possible to love this son of mine, when he frightens me with his abuse and aggression, what part of him do I love,but the truth is I remember him as a little boy and a young child and he was so loving and gentle, and we all loved him. Now my mother says she doesn't want to talk to him because of his treatment of me, that is so sad.

Hannah2

Hannah it doesn't matter if you did something to "bring this on" or not. he is an adult and responsible for his behavior reguardless of how anyone acts around him. this is true for all of us. no one "makes" us behave badly, we choose to in response to their behavior. in my view you are shirking your motherly duties if you do not set this straight.

The Family A Proclamation To The World "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, ...,to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. ... mothers and fathers will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."

Although he is an adult and responsible for his own choices you are still his mother and teacher. his behavior is in violation of Gods commands in many ways, but most obviously honor thy father and mother. it is in violation of what is socialy ok, and as his mother you need to make this clear to him. he may not hold the same beliefs as you, but you have the right to have your beleifs respected in your home. if someone cannot respect you and your beleifs in your home they have no right to be there, not even your children. i know this is not easy. teaching our children is not easy, i have been chastized by the Lord on more than one occasion. loving our children dosen't mean letting them get away with wrong, sometimes it means letting them deal with the natural consequences of behavior. if you are concerned about how he will handle being confronted ask your bishop or home teacher to be there to support you since no other family is close enough. you have the right to be safe. also seek a priesthood blessing of comfort, your father wants to be there for you.

Pray, he was Heavenly Father's son first. our Heavenly Father loves you and him, he will know what to do and how to guide you to set this right. it seems like you already have ideas of what you need to do, you just need some support and encouragment to do it. i am not here yet, but when i have something hard to do i say a prayer, confirm that is what must be done, read this quote and then do my best to go forward in faith.

"… If you have that testimony [of truth] on your side, you can pass through the dark valley of slander, misrepresentation, and abuse, undaunted as though you wore a magic suit of armor that no bullet could enter, no arrow could pierce. You can hold your head high, toss it fearlessly and defiantly, look every man calmly and unflinchingly in the eye. … You will know that all will come out right in the end; that it must come; that all must flee before the great white light of truth, as the darkness slinks away into nothingness in the presence of the sunburst."

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, 17: A Testimony of the Truth, Introduction, 163

pray and stand on truth, your Heavenly Father will guide

ALmom

[Gwen]

Hannah, my heart aches for you. i see my young ones and their potential now as you talk of your son and the beauty you remember in him. that little boy who seems to be lost that you are morning, as though they are not the same person. i want to be able to tell you something that will make all this less difficult, but i can't. we will all be tested even as abraham. though our tests may seem hard, as a mother i can only imagine that watching my children go through their test will be harder. but the gospel is full of hope. there will be justice, but also mercy and love. i found something i thought could help you with the hopeful side, but i couldn't pick just one peice so i will quote the whole thing. so i will say now sorry for the length. also let me get the logical protective side out first, even though the path is started down and he gave you back your key i would suggest you call your home teacher to help you change all the locks in the house. this journey is not over yet. now for what i see as the beauty and hope the gospel can bring. :)

God Bless,

ALmom

Hope for Parents of Wayward Children

Joseph Smith

(1805–44)

First President of the Church

“Hope for Parents of Wayward Children,” Ensign, Sept. 2002, 11

“The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught a more comforting doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

Brigham Young

(1801–77)

Second President of the Church

“Let the father and mother, who are members of this Church and Kingdom, take a righteous course, and strive with all their might never to do a wrong, but to do good all their lives; if they have one child or one hundred children, if they conduct themselves towards them as they should, binding them to the Lord by their faith and prayers, I care not where those children go, they are bound up to their parents by an everlasting tie, and no power of earth or hell can separate them from their parents in eternity; they will return again to the fountain from whence they sprang” (quoted in Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols. [1954–56], 2:90–91).

Lorenzo Snow

(1814–1901)

Fifth President of the Church

“If you succeed in passing through these trials and afflictions and receive a resurrection, you will, by the power of the Priesthood, work and labor, as the Son of God has, until you get all your sons and daughters in the path of exaltation and glory. This is just as sure as that the sun rose this morning over yonder mountains. Therefore, mourn not because all your sons and daughters do not follow in the path that you have marked out to them, or give heed to your counsels. Inasmuch as we succeed in securing eternal glory, and stand as saviors, and as kings and priests to our God, we will save our posterity” (in Collected Discourses, comp. Brian H. Stuy, 5 vols. [1987–92], 3:364).

Boyd K. Packer

Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

“The measure of our success as parents … will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible.

“It is not uncommon for responsible parents to lose one of their children, for a time, to influences over which they have no control. They agonize over rebellious sons or daughters. They are puzzled over why they are so helpless when they have tried so hard to do what they should.

“It is my conviction that those wicked influences one day will be overruled. …

“We cannot overemphasize the value of temple marriage, the binding ties of the sealing ordinance, and the standards of worthiness required of them. When parents keep the covenants they have made at the altar of the temple, their children will be forever bound to them” (“Our Moral Environment,” Ensign, May 1992, 68).

[john doe]

Call the cops. I don't know about the Uk or whever it is you live, but here in the US most states have laws specifically against elder abuse. You could start with the cops telling him what his boundaries are to actually getting a restraining order against him.

[Jason]

If you're in the US, perhaps you could contact the Division of Family Services. They could assign you a Social Worker who could maybe help you out.

Good luck.

[Traveler]

It is hard to know where to begin to describe how I feel. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I try every day to live as a committed Christian. I believe in and love Jesus Christ with all my heart, but I am not a fanatical evangelist trying to convert other people.My youngest son (aged 31) does not attend church and says that he does not believe in God which is his choice, of course! He does not live with me,but now I come to the point. Three years ago I was widowed, my husband was a good and kind man with a love for our church. My son has become increasingly controlling and psychologically abusive. He curses me, using the most profane language, and gets very nasty and aggressive. He humiliates me in front of friends and on occasions when we have attended the supermarket together, he takes things out of the shopping cart telling anyone at the top of his voice that I am a useless shopper and wasteful with my own money and I am nothing but a so-and-so idiot. His abuse has escalated recently with him telling a visitor that I owed thousands of pounds to a bank. This was a blatant lie, and I was so shocked and hurt because he seemed to want to hurt me. On the one hand my faith teaches me that I should be a loving mother who should never give up on her children, but how do I continue to cope with a son who does not seem to respect me, although on some level I think he loves me. I live on a very low income, being on a widows pension, (I am 56 years old), yet he is always demanding money and never returns the favour.

Does anyone know what I should do? I must also add, that this has been getting increasingly worse over the years.

I have read some but not all the posts in this thread - There is a lot of good advice about not putting up with abuse. Sometime ago I had a problem in my home with some in-laws at a family get together. I responded that certain things were not allowed in our home and that if they insisted on doing them they would have to leave. My sister in law responded that I could not make her leave and if I touched her she would sue me. I then went to the phone and called 911 and asked for the police to come to my home and remove a unwanted person before there was violence. My sister in law, is in her heart a wonderful person but is bipolar and requires meds. Some of the in laws were upset and felt I was too harsh. However, I have never had a problem with the bipolar sister in law even when she is not taking her meds. I am one of the few she will not cross. We get along very well now.

I would add one other thought. Often individuals are influenced by unclean spirits. For some reason we modern people think we can solve all personality problems with meds and do not consider the influence of unclean spirits to be a problem. Protecting yourself from abuse is not giving up on your children. Making it clear where they cannot cross boundaries is not giving up on them.

The Traveler

[illustrator1]

Thankyou almom and all the others who have replied to my problem. I felt so grateful and humbled by the words that I have read, that if I continue to love the Lord and seek to be a righteous woman that one day my son will love me as much as I love him.Last month I visited the temple and stayed for a few days. The peace and tranquility was wonderful, and it also helped that the summer sunshine was gorgous and I was with friends who I love and who love me. I came home to my house, and once again the abuse began. The truth is that I turned to this web site in absolute desperation feeling too that I wanted to run away and hide. Instead thanks to some very kind new friends I can try to continue on with my life and hope that in time my son will see what he was doing was wrong. Thankyou for the suggestion of using my home teachers to change the locks on my house. I hadn't thought of that, but I will do it. Sometimes prayers can be answered in the most mysterious of ways! I am so glad for this web site! Thankyou almom for your time and effort.

Love

Hannah2

[shanstress70]

Hannah2,

It sounds like you are on your way to being free of your son's abuse. I hope you can be strong and take this stand against the way he treats you, and hopefully one day when he sees the error of his ways, you guys can repair your relationship.

It breaks my heart to think that a man can treat his mother this way. I have an almost 4 yr old, and it kills me to think that he could ever grow up and be anything but the sweet, loving boy that he is now. But I know anything is possible.

I hope you find the comfort and support you need at this website. You sound like a very sweet person.

[pushka]

Hi Hannah2,

I too am sorry to hear of your situation, and hope that you find a satisfactory way of dealing with it asap.

I'm in the UK, I'm presuming that you are too, and if so you should be aware of the Police's new 'response' to any sort of Domestic Violence (Abuse)...Zero Tolerance...most people assume that domestic violence (abuse) is only committed by one partner to another, but I am certain that the situation you are in with your son would be classed as this too.

I agree wholeheartedly with the suggestions made by the previous posters...

Contact church members who can be supportive to you, including your Bishop and others in positions of authority.

Call upon your friends/neighbours for moral support and practical help if necessary whilst sorting out this situation.

Contact the Police for help and advice and also consider contacting Social Services if you feel you need any practical help from them too.

Good luck, and don't forget to change those locks at the earliest!!! :)

[Gwen]

Hi Hannah, just wondering how you were doing? I hope all is well.

[Laureltree]

I wouldn't treat anyone that way, its aweful, lay some boundaries...