ViolinGirl Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 I'm expecting my first baby this fall. My husband told me yesterday that his sister wants to come visit after I give birth and help out for awhile. I told him that I didn't care if she comes, but I requested that she stay at a hotel. He didn't seem to think it was an issue to have her staying at the house, but the last thing I want to have to worry about while I'm trying to figure out how to care for a newborn is cooking meals and cleaning the house for a house guest. I understand that she is family and I do like her, but all I can do is picture myself being tired from all the night time feedings and taking care of the baby and house while husband is at work. And I think that time should be mine to spend with the baby to find a routine and get settled into parenting. Am I really off-base on my thinking? Am I being selfish? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 If she is there to help you out, then wouldn't she be doing the cleaning and cooking? If not, then what is she helping you with? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenamarie Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 If she is there to help you out, then wouldn't she be doing the cleaning and cooking? If not, then what is she helping you with?Ya, find out exactly what she means by "helping out". My SIL came to stay with us after each of our babies was born, and was a HUGE help! She folded the laundry, did the dishes, cooked some meals and/or took care of the baby's needs while DH or I did that, she watched the baby while I rested or got in some "me time". It was great! It wasn't a host/guest relationship at all. She truly was a huge help. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 My mother in law came to stay with us when my twins were born. The only thing she would help out with is feeding them. I did all the cooking, cleaning and everything else that needed to be done even after a C-section and both boys being in NICU. I finally drew the line when she brought me down a basket of her clothes to wash. I told her I would show her how to use the washer and dryer. She took the clothes back and I noticed after that she handwashed what she needed in the bathroom sink. Six weeks was long enough. Found out she had planned on staying for 6 months. The next week we had her on a plane back home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ViolinGirl Posted April 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Unfortunately, husband wasn't very specific as to how long she planned on staying. I probably need to find out. I'm the kind of person who would rather be alone and just do what I have to do and not worry about anyone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Unfortunately, husband wasn't very specific as to how long she planned on staying. I probably need to find out. I'm the kind of person who would rather be alone and just do what I have to do and not worry about anyone else. That's exactly how I am so I can totally relate to you right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ViolinGirl Posted April 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Thanks, Pam. It's good to know I'm not the only one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Me three. Especially with in-laws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Me four... most especially with inlaws. Speak with your SIL yourself if she's set on coming. Set some expectations before she gets there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 My mother in law came to stay with us when my twins were born. The only thing she would help out with is feeding them. I did all the cooking, cleaning and everything else that needed to be done even after a C-section and both boys being in NICU.I finally drew the line when she brought me down a basket of her clothes to wash. I told her I would show her how to use the washer and dryer. She took the clothes back and I noticed after that she handwashed what she needed in the bathroom sink.Six weeks was long enough. Found out she had planned on staying for 6 months. The next week we had her on a plane back home.I was just thinking of how I've been in similar positions before. It makes my blood boil to think about. But now that I'm older, wiser, and markedly ornery-er, I've learned something. No one can make me do anything. No one can force me to cook their dinner, or clean up after them, or anything else. If I were in a place like this, I would clean up after myself and the babies only as much as I had to, and that's it. At dinner time, I'd start making assignments, and if no one helped I'd make myself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal, and corn dogs for my kids. I'd ask MIL to throw a load of baby clothes in. She might or might not, but she'd get the point that she wasn't there to have the full-service hotel experience and that I was expecting help. Worst-case scenario, she'd start helping. Best case, she'd leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ViolinGirl Posted April 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Fortunately, I don't have a 'helpful' mother-in-law to deal with, but I AM surrounded by 'helpful' sisters. Husband has 2 and I have 1. Eowyn, I like your attitude and I may have to adopt it as my own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 I don't know if it's my attitude so much as my issues. I have my own set of luggage when it comes to in-law baggage. But good luck, and congratulations on your impending motherhood! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Everytime I read these type of posts I feel inclined to go on my knees and thank God and His Beloved Son Jesus Christ that they blessed me with a family such as mine. Yes, we are dysfunctional. Yes, we fight. A lot. Yes, we one-up each other. A lot. But, when it comes time to dig in the trenches to help somebody out, we know we can always rely on the family to help. My parents used to stay with me 6 months at a time. They live in the Philippines, so they come to the US to visit the grandkids. I would go psychotic if my husband suggests they stay at a hotel. But then, my husband likes having my mom over because... ahem, I can't cook and she can. :-) So yeah, one time, my mom washed my dry-clean Gorgieu suit in the washer. Another time, she scrubbed my All Clad pots with steel wool. And we used to have daily arguments about my lack of a cream and sugar server... (Mom, we don't drink coffee. We don't need a cream and sugar server. Anatess, you need a cream and sugar server for your guests, if they want to have coffee. Mom, I don't offer coffee to guests. Anatess, you are a very bad host and a disgrace to Filipino hospitality!). LOL! Yeah, my husband tells his friends this and they say, I can't believe you just won't kick her out! And he's like... are you nuts? She's my wife's mother! Yeah. I love my husband. He completely understands the Filipino family culture. So yeah, I really can't help with this because I believe very strongly in families. If I can't rely on my and my husband's family for help, who can I? Having a baby is one of the craziest time of a mother's life. I'll take all the help I can get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Setting and keeping boundaries within a family doesn't mean they're not strong or tight-knit. Your culture is different, not better or worse. Trying to have relationships that operate in healthy ways isn't a bad thing. In my family, we do our best to not sweat the small stuff and overlook one another's quirks, but we also expect to be spoken to if we act rudely or overstep bounds. My family is amazing at helping when help is needed. My husband's family is amazing at turning a blind eye to anything but what they want. The main difference in what you're talking about is that your mother is at least trying to help. She's not coming and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 My sister in law at the time, explained to me that part of the issue I had was because of the culture that my ex mother in law grew up in. In their culture or country, the daughter in law is to cater to the mother in law. As well as daughters to their mothers. Well I didn't grow up in that culture or with that ethnic background so.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Exactly. When in Rome. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) Setting and keeping boundaries within a family doesn't mean they're not strong or tight-knit. Your culture is different, not better or worse. Trying to have relationships that operate in healthy ways isn't a bad thing. In my family, we do our best to not sweat the small stuff and overlook one another's quirks, but we also expect to be spoken to if we act rudely or overstep bounds. My family is amazing at helping when help is needed. My husband's family is amazing at turning a blind eye to anything but what they want. I never said it was.The main difference in what you're talking about is that your mother is at least trying to help. She's not coming and expecting to be waited on hand and foot.It comes with the culture. You can pick any of my cousins and they wouldn't do that either. It's a Filipino thing. It's also a Filipino thing to WANT to wait on someone hand and foot. So it's like a crazy balance. Like, for instance, this is a very common Filipino exchange: Anatess: No, no, mom, don't wash the dishes, I'll do it, please! Mom: No, no, just sit and relax, I'll wash the dishes. Anatess: Mom, no, really, just go and watch your favorite show. Mom: So, you think I'm a guest here now? Am I not your mother? (Well, in reality, I was trying to save my dishes from the steel wool. But she took it as the common, I'll do it, No, No, I'll do it, exchange. LOL!)Oh, and here's another thing that my husband took a while to get used to. My Husband: Mom, I'll make you breakfast this time, you've been doing it so much already I have to repay you somehow. Mom: No, it's okay, son, I love making my son-in-law breakfast. My husband: Okay.Oooh... that would get my mom upset. You're supposed to insist on doing it and have it go for another round before you say Okay... because, if she really was super pleased about you making the breakfast, she'll say Okay on the 3rd round. It's part of the respect thing to offer to do something for someone even if you would rather not do it. Make sense?It's also a Filipino thing to leave the room cleaner than you entered it when you're at someone else's house. So, it makes it so that you're always welcome everywhere. I can go to any city in the WORLD and not have to pay hotel if I have a traditional Filipino cousin or friend that live there. When I migrated to the US, my dad gave me a small book full of all our cousins' names and addresses who live in the US. People I've never met even. And he called all of them advising them I'm setting foot in the USA. Edited April 24, 2012 by anatess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 Setting and keeping boundaries within a family doesn't mean they're not strong or tight-knit. Your culture is different, not better or worse. Trying to have relationships that operate in healthy ways isn't a bad thing. In my family, we do our best to not sweat the small stuff and overlook one another's quirks, but we also expect to be spoken to if we act rudely or overstep bounds. My family is amazing at helping when help is needed. My husband's family is amazing at turning a blind eye to anything but what they want. The main difference in what you're talking about is that your mother is at least trying to help. She's not coming and expecting to be waited on hand and foot.Sounds like my inlaws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 It's also a Filipino thing to leave the room cleaner than you entered it when you're at someone else's house. So, it makes it so that you're always welcome everywhere. I can go to any city in the WORLD and not have to pay hotel if I have a traditional Filipino cousin or friend that live there. When I migrated to the US, my dad gave me a small book full of all our cousins' names and addresses who live in the US. People I've never met even. And he called all of them advising them I'm setting foot in the USA.I leave my ironing board up in my room ALL THE TIME! I don't see the point in putting it away just to get it out again. That is time I can spend doing something more important. Flash back 31 years ago.... wow... was it really that long ago? 1981.... Anyway... I got our apartment ready for when the baby came home BEFORE I went into labor. I hated the brown lace bassinet skirt my aunt had made so I had some fun colorful fabric draped over it. I had my sewing machine set up IN the closet (I was always sewing something). The ironing board was under the window. It was a large bedroom with two large closets. Lots of room to move around in. Nothing was cluttered.I go to the hospital...have the baby...come home two days later and my MIL has cleaned my bedroom. The brown lace is on the bassinet and there is no sign on my ironing board. I was blowing steam out my ears. It was a long difficult delivery and I was not in the mood for this nonsense. Before I could rest I had to put the ironing board back up where it goes. My husband wouldn't let me take the ugly brown lace skirt off the bassinet because I'd hurt his mothers feelings.Back to today: I wish I'd been a witch to begin with because the issues just got worse over the years instead of getting resolved. Now my in-laws don't come visit unless specifically and formally invited because they didn't understand "Please call before you come over" and got offended when I insisted they call first. Their solution was to not come over.... sadly, that works for me. I could go on and on.Anatess, my point is....Even in the same ethnic culture there is a sub-culture in families. When I was growing up we always helped out family --- a new baby born: call first, then go help out. Ask what needs to be done before scrubbing the pots with steel wool just in case you really don't understand and ruin something expensive. Our family was very service oriented and "charity begins at home" was something I learned almost before I could walk. LOL But... my husband's family culture is different. They are service oriented as long as it looks like they are and its their way or no way. After so many, many problems... no way works for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 So yeah, I really can't help with this because I believe very strongly in families. If I can't rely on my and my husband's family for help, who can I?Sounds like any family different from yours or one like yours doesn't believe strongly in families. This is a sentiment I've felt from you before. That's the way I took it. sorry if I'm off base.They are service oriented as long as it looks like they are and its their way or no way. After so many, many problems... no way works for me.Are you my sister-in-law? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted April 25, 2012 Report Share Posted April 25, 2012 Are you my sister-in-law?Maybe we'd better compare our genealogy and figure this mystery out. LOL (with all the sarcasm I can muster) There couldn't possibly be TWO families of inlaws who act like this. Could there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 25, 2012 Report Share Posted April 25, 2012 Oh gosh, I hope not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 25, 2012 Report Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) Sounds like any family different from yours or one like yours doesn't believe strongly in families. This is a sentiment I've felt from you before. That's the way I took it. sorry if I'm off base.No need to be sorry but yes, you're off-base. That's not what I meant. You presented a false dichotomy. I love pink, I'm a girl. You don't like pink, you must not be a girl. False dichotomy.The sentiment you may have felt is my strong belief that the Filipino culture is more family oriented than the American culture. Personally, I believe a family-oriented society is a stronger society. LDS agrees with this so it's safe to assume you and I agree on this. Where you may get the wrong impression is when I present my family as an example of traditional Filipino culture and you take it as "my family is better than your family". My husband's family is American. They are just as family-oriented as mine is. I'm sure being LDS has a lot to do with it. None of my in-laws are divorced (a Filipino's ideal of family). Even my husband's grandma did not divorce her alcoholic husband who beat her up constantly and knocked all her teeth out. They're separated but not divorced. A Filipino thing to do. One of my uncles is separated from his wife and living with another woman. If divorce was legal in the Philippines, he'd be one. Yes, he's traditional Filipino.Filipino culture versus American culture - Filipino culture is definitely better at keeping families together. My Filipino family versus your American family - that's a different story. Even my uncle is not "worse" than my husband's grandma nor vice versa.Did that make sense? Edited April 25, 2012 by anatess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 25, 2012 Report Share Posted April 25, 2012 That does make sense. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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